April 26, 2015

The danger that is about to loom over my family…

I can't believe it. A few weeks ago my father called me and gave me the bad news that my two nieces, my two beautiful twin nieces, are going to have parents that are divorcing at their age of two. Divorce is a new right? we're all familiar with it. The problem is that I never expected this particular family to divorce for specifically no reason. My sister-in-law claims she just doesn't get enough affection in the marriage and has immediately filed for divorce my brother, who is somewhat bewildered. Although, says that he fell out of love with her almost on the day they got married. So where's that leave my two beautiful nieces well it leaves them without mom and dad together in the home. They won't be creating memories like we had like waking each other up on Christmas morning my brother telling me what my big present of that Christmas was before I even made it down the stairs. there are a lot of memories that won't be created because my nieces parents will not be living under one roof.

All sorts of thoughts of going through my head. how was this possible? neither one of them is cheating, abusing each other or has committed any crime or has any drug addictions or other problems that come to mind immediately.

No!! simply it's two people who fell out of love with each other so quickly. I just find this hard to believe. they have been dating for almost 10 years before they got married, they got engaged and and had their wedding before my mother died of cancer.  they went through multiple IVF treatments to have these two beautiful little girls they went through so much. my sister-in-law lost her brother at the age of 38. I guess there's been a lot of loss in the family loss that you would think would bind a family seems to actually pull them apart.

I have a major issue with the way my sister-in-law went about this divorce.  unbeknownst to my brother on a Friday night she packed up the girls clothes and snuck them out of the house in the early morning hours of a Saturday. when my brother woke up the house was eerily quiet. he was scared he thought something was wrong he didn't see the girls in their cribs he didn't see his wife's car in the driveway. he called her on her cell phone and the first words out of her mouth were we are getting a divorce. My brother dropped to his knees.

One would think that my brother must've done something terrible to her in order for her to leave leave in the middle of the night the way she did. Well, you couldn't be more wrong.  he's done everything for her. he bought her the house she wanted. Made sure she had the wedding she wanted he made sure that he attended every single doctor appointment when she was having fertility issues he attended every IVF attempt he did everything. he spent the night in the hospital side-by-side with her until the girls were born and amazingly he did most of the work when they first came home with the two little girls. I was so proud of my brother. I'm still so proud of my brother. maybe there is another version of the story. I don't know but it's so confusing to me these girls will be two years old in June.  I don't like and all I can do is cry cry cry cry.

I'll be visiting back home shortly. I think we're leaving in June at some point. my brother is still living with his soon-to-be ex-wife in their house it just makes no sense to me and I just feel so terrible for the little girls. one thing my brother did mention to my father was he's okay with his in-laws taking care of his girls half the time, but not so okay with his wife taking care of the girls alone. he doesn't think she can handle it. That's the first time I've heard anything like this. I'm guessing there is more to the story.

My sister-in-law and I used to be close. practically the whole time she was dating my brother all the way up until the engagement. after that, she became a different person or should I say maybe she reverted back to the person she really was. it didn't take long for her to make everything all about herself.  everything with her was me, me, me. I'm getting what I want me, me and me. I overlooked it I mean we all can be a little selfish right? but we virtually have no relationship she doesn't even try to extend anything to our family maybe because she knew something we didn't. The marriage was temporary. I'm truly sad and feel helpless like there isn't anything I can do. More later on this

November 26, 2014

My Sanctuary

I used to post so much here. I'm going to try and talk more. It's been helpful. 

The holidays always remind me of what I've had and what I no longer have. It's lonely where we live. All our families are in other states.  My brother has twin girls. I miss them so much.

My son is missing out on growing up with his cousins. My dad recently told me in a somewhat emotional way that one of the twins is so much like me that he is watching his first born child growing up again.

He's not emotional with me very often but this means a lot to me. My parents rarely referred to me as a child positively. There was always a complaint. This makes me love my nieces even more. They aren't identical twins so at least there is only one of me repeating history.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

July 28, 2014

An exercise in futility....

I love and adore my son I am the luckiout woman in the world. I enjoy helping with his homework,plaing learning games on mu IPad.what is then the exercise in futility? My son has all my problems. Some people think because we share DNA that I am the parent that who better to help him that isn't always the case.

I watch him struggle through school, same as I did. We have him in two supplementary educational programs. One for math, the other foe reading, spelling, handwriting and language arts.

However, the noise in my head just gets louder and louder. I blame my genetics for his problems, guilt sets in a significant decline in my depression happens. I've made good bye videos to my husband, my son, as well as my brother and father. A special one for my therapist apologizing that I've lost the battle and it's not his fault. My problems are many garden variety clinical labels, major depression, bipolar, ADD, and borderline personality disorder. On top of that I have a seizure disorder, two chronic pain conditions, and other medical problems.

11 days of rage

That's how I classify my last trip back home with my son. My son loves his Grandfather so much. My dad loves him equally. Just one huge problem. My son is sensitive, loving, compassionate and much more. However, at 9 years of age he's not much of a fighter in the physical sense. My father has told me I've ruined him. He called him a baby and a wimp several times. My son was crying and for the remainder of the trip had "tummy aches". I was mad the first time dad made him cry. I tried to explain that my son believes him, doesn't think he's joking. The truth is my dad wasn't joking.

I know this first hand. My dad beat sensitivity out of my brother and me. My brother was so much like my son is now. He once put one of my dresses on my brother because he was crying over something my dad said to him. I told my dad what my son said that he doesn't know if my dad was telling the truth or lying. This statement broke my heart. You might think that would stop my dad well it didn't he kept it up. I screamed at my dad to stop it and then we had a huge fight which my son heard. I'm glad my son heard me. I've always told him as his mommy I will protect him at all costs and from anyone.

March 27, 2014

Well I finally tried it

I have been spiraling out of control since starting a new depression medicine Fetzima.
I tried to end it but it didn't work. Imagine my frustration. It's been my son that has stopped me before. I feel now he deserves a better mom. He's home from school now so I'll come up with something that might work this weekend when my husband and son are gone for hours on Saturday
I've been suicidal most of my life. Nothing new. My dad says I'm no longer his strong child, my brother would rather embrace his new wife's family and their neighbors.

I'm going to make some videos for each of them. I will really miss my adorable, loving son.he has similar issues to me ADD, speech and language problems, he's a target for bullying. I can't watch this unfold anymore. I spend every waken moment with him the minute he comes home. I organize his binders, folders, homework, help him study for tests, I've got him in two additional academic programs. It's working. But this deep depression is so so strong. I was on Pristiq. Also four other potent medications. Pills are not my method not at all.
I don't think it works.