April 2, 2014

An exercise in futility....

I love and adore my son I am the luckiout woman in the world. I enjoy helping with his homework,plaing learning games on mu IPad.what is then the exercise in futility? My son has all my problems. Some people think because we share DNA that I am the parent that who better to help him that isn't always the case.

I watch him struggle through school, same as I did. We have him in two supplementary educational programs. One for math, the other foe reading, spelling, handwriting and language arts.

However, the noise in my head just gets louder and louder. I blame my genetics for his problems, guilt sets in a significant decline in my depression happens. I've made good bye videos to my husband, my son, as well as my brother and father. A special one for my therapist apologizing that I've lost the battle and it's not his fault. My problems are many garden variety clinical labels, major depression, bipolar, ADD, and borderline personality disorder. On top of that I have a seizure disorder, two chronic pain conditions, and other medical problems.

This is no quality of life for me. It affects my son. We play games on the iPad mostly educational games. I've taken him to some fun places but I should be doing more I try to hide my problems when he's around me. I make his dinner every night, buy him some kind of desserts.

I also developed my own academic help for him that starts with homework and other learning tools I created for him.

I often think he would be better off without me. I've lost my dad and brother. I used to be the strong person in my life and not believe in my diagnoses. I've had to lie about medications telling them I'm off my psych meds. I feel so alone. My dad and my brother say I should come to them not a therapist. I tried that once when mom died. I had a problem with prescription drugs, I finally kicked that but the one time I tried to rely on my brother about all the meds my mom had in her house, I brought them to my brother and he flipped a switch resulting in me with a knife to my throat and cuts to my right arm

Needless to say I'll never rely on anyone after that. I'm getting sleepy again good night

March 27, 2014

Well I finally tried it

I have been spiraling out of control since starting a new depression medicine Fetzima.
I tried to end it but it didn't work. Imagine my frustration. It's been my son that has stopped me before. I feel now he deserves a better mom. He's home from school now so I'll come up with something that might work this weekend when my husband and son are gone for hours on Saturday
I've been suicidal most of my life. Nothing new. My dad says I'm no longer his strong child, my brother would rather embrace his new wife's family and their neighbors.
I'm going to make some videos for each of them. I will really miss my adorable, loving son.he has similar issues to me ADD, speech and language problems, he's a target for bullying. I can't watch this unfold anymore. I spend every waken moment with him the minute he comes home. I organize his binders, folders, homework, help him study for tests, I've got him in two additional academic programs. It's working. But this deep depression is so so strong. I was on Pristiq. Also four other potent medications. Pills are not my method not at all.
I don't think it works.
I won't say how I tried today so no one else who reads this gets any idea. I told someone once and he used my method and was successful.
Is there a chance I can pull out of this and fight on. I'm not sure. I've suffered enough in this damn life. Suffered enough. My pain will never go away, 8 years of therapy, I've learned a lot, love my therapist. He's the only one who knows and accepts the real me. Maybe I'll try another call to the suicide hotline. It's worked in the past. The last thing is a hospital stay. I'll just try again when I get out
My family deserves better. I love my twin nieces as much as my son. I just don't see how I can add to their life. My husband and son and I live so fair away.that's a big part of my problem. I'm extremely lonely. My husband won't move back home. I live now on social security. My stellar career gone, no friends here, total isolation I live in my bedroom most days.
Maybe typing about this and reading it back will snap me out of this. Is there no damn depression medicine that works!! I've tried them all. We'll see how I do tomorrow maybe this feeling will go away?

March 18, 2014

when suppressing anger is no longer an option

Many who know me wouldn't believe for a second that I suppress frustration for quite a while until one day, one moment, in a split second or less, my anger/rage comes out. Often a surprise to doctors, coworkers, teachers and school administration, one day the somewhat compliant or nice me rises to a level that is unexpected.

I see it in their faces, the element of surprise and sometimes confusion. Lately, it's my sons school administrators that are on the receiving end of the dark side of me. It was a terse email last week that has set the stage for a meeting on the Monday after Spring Break.

My son has struggles similar to mine. He has ADD, a speech and language disorder that affects reading comprehension. Since Kindergarten, the school has had several copies of a detailed assessment performed by a top children's hospital in our area. The results of the assessment documented the above diagnoses. 

However, the school continually forces me to ask and ask and ask for services he's entitled to. This time, I've been requesting a formal accommodation for testing in April mandated by our state.

While I can appreciate the fact that my son is not their only student, forcing me to be a bitch to get what he needs has consequences for all of us. I know public school regulations better than they do. I was an Audit Director for a different school district in our state for several years. I could've pointed out their noncompliance three years ago but I didn't want to be one of those parents who doesn't play nice.

As of last week, I know have no choice but to use the knowledge I have to make them take my sons needs more seriously. I can report them to the state, I can bury them in open records requests that each time they have ten days to respond to determine if their noncompliance is a bigger problem campus-wide. They could lose federal funds if their noncompliance is severe enough.

Their only option at our meeting next week is to do exactly what they are obligated to do. No doubt my position will be quite a surprise to them. When I was in rehab a few years ago the social workers pointed out that I have quite a big ego or become narcissistic, when questioning their methods. As if we all should sit by quietly as they shove information down our throats as if we are all the same with no individuality. I'm sorry but although we all abused substances that is where our similarities ended. Everyone in group is an individual with different personalities, diagnoses, traumas, and life experiences.

Thank God we are all individuals and not robots with our own minds. I've been told by more than one person including my family that I should continue to play nice with my sons school at this upcoming meeting. I won't be screaming at them but I will be blunt and serious when I outline for them what their responsibility is to my son as well as my expectations.

I've been an advocate for my son since the day he was born. If not me, then who? Who knows exactly what will be said at the meeting but it will be informative for sure.

December 30, 2013

worst trip ever

I'm trying to have a good time away. However, so far a nice bracelet my husband bought me is lost at the airport, my expensive eye glasses are lost as of today. Praying to saint Anthony is not going well. I finally have crawled out of bed taken a trip with my husband and son. If I would've stayed home none of this would've happened. Its a holiday I'm out of town and have no glasses to see. I want to go home

December 22, 2013

More panic attacks

No known source unfortunately....never is that I can point to. Just need a bit higher on lorazepam like 1mg 3x per day instead of two. Good luck trying to get that these days. I try other methods of reducing anxiety but to no avail. Any advice on other medications from anyone I'd be happy to hear about it

December 19, 2013

a day at the spa

And my pain conditions persist. I have my typical fever and flu like syndrome. How in the world can I make this work. My husband bought me this for my birthday can't cancel. Just hoping my body cooperates.

November 27, 2013

Another panic attack

I was excited about going home for the reunion, now because I'm significantly heavier than 5 years ago, I'm having extreme anxiety. It's all set I'm meeting my former best friend who I've reconnected with she's lost 55lbs, I have lost about 30 and I have 30-40 more pounds to go. It's my midsection a complete tire for real. I've never had a weight problem my whole life until I hit 40 and I just turned 44 the other day. I'm disgusted with myself. I know my dad is ashamed of me.

I've gone from an average weight girl who had a great career, first college graduate on both sides of the family, graduated magna cum laud, certified as a fraud examiner etc. to this woman with the following diagnoses which have me on disability waiting to hear from social security :

1. Bipolar
2. Major depression
3. Focus/concentration problems
4. Cognitive disorder NOS
5. Temporal lobe epilepsy
6. Polyarthralgia w/ flu like syndrome active 3-4 days a week
7. Myofacial pain
8. Multiple blood clots throughout my life. Pulmonary embolism in 2011

Medications that have ruined my body:

1. Seroquel
2. Lyrica

Let me see what other of my 13 medications that I take for the above diagnoses also may cause weight gain be back soon

November 25, 2013

My friend isn't the only one who freaks out this time of year

I call it inner demons that cause me to flip a switch..it isn't pretty either.
I get into altercations quickly, instantaneously. Today hearing about someone's severe abuse
Has me in fighter mode. Abusers need to be dealt with in a whole new way, talking doesn't
Cure the inner and outer scars. One of my biggest Abusers was my mom. She was dying of lung cancer. Instead of trying again to heal old wounds her constant denial awakened part of me that wished her dead.
After she died I flipped another strip emerging myself into a variety of prescription drugs that I really really want right now. They calm my thoughts, the beating that goes on in my head. It's so bad some days I want to die

November 23, 2013

finally out tonight but...

It's 49 degrees NOT helping my pain conditions at all. I hope this new doctor I see early December can find a medication combo that works. I feel the flu like syndrome already. I've had to cancel therapy sessions and move other doctor appointments around. I'm still waiting for my MRI to be approved. Cigna is denying all of my radiology tests. I'm fucking pissed. All my doctors need to do is provide Cigna with more medical records or make sure they are coded right. I'm upset. Besides the MRI I need a back xray and mammogram. Guess they don't care if I'm having mini strokes etc. It's not on me if I end up with a full on stroke. My neurologist can answer for that

November 13, 2013

I'm unsettled at a minimum

So much stress going making my mental and physical conditions worse. I'm faced again with despair. I've lost my long-term disability, can't get a much needed MRI due to insurance, I've lost my career, more self-esteem if that's possible, I'm in more physical pain trying so hard to be available for my son. I am a failure at so much lately wondering once again why God keeps me on this earth. My son deserves better than me. I deserve to be free from a lifetime of pain. Please God take me away