Aunt Helen, I'm coming home

And I'll be visiting you at St. Denis' Cemetery. I love spending time there. I hope the weather is not too cold so I can bring my blanket and sit on the ground with her.

I used to love going to visit her. It's very calming for me. Two more weeks and I'll be there. Last time I visited her head stone was chipped. If I could afford it, she would get one of those stone house-like tombs. I'm going to find out how much they are.

I had my session tonight and was all over the place. I must've brought up 20 topics. I told him I'm not afraid of death. Should I be? I've been through hell on earth anyway so maybe that is partly why.

I've faced death with an ex-boyfriend a long time ago. I've seen evil so why be afraid of death? What I am afraid of is LIVING. That is scarier to me than death.

I'm close to completely breaking down. I can feel it...too many losses, too many decisions, too much work at work, too much weight on me...too much of everything.

Life is just not worth living at the moment.

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invisible

I love my t he knows what words i am trying to say about how i feel.
He picked the right word invisible....like i dont matter no one loves me and
No one cares....no one sees me either because i am invisible.
Now all that is needed is for the ending to this nightmare existence.
That hopefully will occur in two weeks. When it all comes full circle...

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feeling unlovable and overwhelmed

I just feel unlovable. It's hard to feel loved when those closest to me abandon me or show in other ways that I am not for them.

I am overwhelmed with work to do that I am behind on. I feel like I am drowning in an avalanche of work with no one to help me out of it.

I'm getting through the to do list but very slowly. I am just not as productive as I can be. I'm not motivated and often just depressed. I want to stay in bed for a long long time.

I feel like crying...nothing is coming out though.

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I'm back to "who really cares"

Seriously. It is my hallmark quote. If we die tomorrow who really cares? And for how long would they care? My child would care, maybe my parents and brother, husband I guess. A close friend or two...but for how long?

Most people, I am told, don't obsess the way I do so...does caring go from days to weeks to months..years...every other year...every so often or when a certain song comes on the radio?

This might be a good question to ask in therapy tomorrow...how long would he care of I died? A couple days at most is what I think. In fact, I think I said that to him once and got no response...I just remembered that. No response!!! That means, one of two things. He doesn't want me to know "yeah, I'd forget about you pretty quick" or " he doesn't believe me"...the latter is dangerous...he might just find that out one day.

I can get no response at home, at work, from my parents, brother, husband...why continue to subject myself to it from my therapist. Any ideas anyone?

I'll tell you why because just like my abusive mother who told me on more than one occassion, she would have been better off if I hadn't been born, oh and dad joined her in this thought process for a few years. I am used to it. I'm used to chasing after some kind of acceptance, love etc. and getting something short-lived, superficial or nothing at all.

I think love is on the other side of the world...it isn't here on earth. Can you tell I need to take more medicine. I'm starting to really flip out.

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My husband likes grandma

Yes you read that right. I found something disturbing on my husband's computer over a week ago. He fantasizes about grandma. Not mine or his because they are deceased (well one of his isn't deceased) but he's looking at grandma porn.

Wow, I can't compete with that. I am only 40 and still get carded when I go out. I haven't confronted him because I have no idea what to fucking say. I have always prided myself in being so open sexually. Well, not "that" open I guess.

It's no wonder we don't have a sex life. I'd have to age about 30 years. Forget that shit. I need to find someone who is attracted to me at my natural age.

I cannot believe how my life turned out...I just can't. It's like a cruel joke or something.

I've actually felt bad about some things I've done in this marriage but not anymore.

I started picking at him tonight. Went and had a few drinks with the neighbors and when we got home...it starting eating at me. Grandma porn...what the fuck???????

All I said is you aren't attracted to me...and he denied it. I then said you probably should go and think about that for awhile and let me know what you come up with. He stormed out...yeah that's right papi...go watch more grandma porn and I'll see ya in the morning. I didn't say the last part but I wanted to.

I'm really starting to implode....

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rage

Well...almost got into another fight today. Girl in starbucks parking lot...i told her you are about to mess with the wrong fucking bitch. Basically she tried to walk in front of my moving car and slowly too...so i had to jam on my brakes and waved her on. She started mumbling some shit and i rolled the window down and told her off. She said sometging igborant and then i really went off.

Word to those who walk in front of moving cars...you might just get squashed so watch it!!!!

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splitting headache

I couldn't go tonight. The weather is crappy...raining...snowing lightly. On the way to the restaurant, I got an immediate splitting headache. I was almost frozen in the pain. I had to pull over and wasn't sure I could actually get home.

I searched my truck and found two advil tablets. It was like a gift from god at that moment. I waited about 20 minutes and then drove home. My head is still splitting but not as bad.

I feel so lost right now. I talked to my dad tonight and he made me laugh a little bit but then I became sad again. I just want to be with him right now. He's in therapy too very briefly through the VA.

My dad...a typical tony soprano...really likes his therapist. I am amazed at this change in him. He's been diagnosed with PTSD to which I replied I have it to and got it from you....:)

He laughed at that concept. He has Leukemia and is so far controlled by Gleevec but honestly he can't keep his business going much longer. The drug is too hard on him and his body is breaking down.

He could tell something was wrong with me but I distracted him and we went on to another subject. I'll be visiting back home middle of march. Honestly, I don't want to come back to where I live here.

I feel like life has come full circle and the circle ends back home. I'll be staying with my brother and his fiancee and I would love to stay with him until I find a job out there. I'll have my son with me and that is all I need.

I'm thinking about this seriously...I'm going to breakdown back home. I can feel it and I don't want to come back here. It's a thought I can't get out of my head.

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bipolar group tonight

I go to this group once in awhile. I went two weeks ago and plan to go tonight. It helps me to know that there are others experiencing what I do on a regular basis. Just like my blog friends.

I want to ask some of my friends if they feel they destroy relationships. Perhaps in an unconsious way? Sometimes I wonder if I do that with my T. The last think I really want is to destroy it but I feel like he is being distant with me. Or am I being distant with him? I don't think I am...but whenever I feel something about him I ask myself if I am the one who is the culprit.

Often my relationships end up destroyed...who is to blame? are both parties to blame? I am referring to my old boyfriend in this example. How did I encourage this or did I encourage this somehow?

I thought I did everything right. I didn't push him, let the friendship continue naturally. I thought I was so much better this time. In the end, it didn't work. He left again. So when I was needy...he left. When I wasn't needy...he left. I am really confused about this.

I need to let go of him once and for all. For whatever reason, we do not work as lovers or friends. So I need to live with that reality.

I look for rejection...I expect it. I accuse T of rejecting me all the time and one day he probably will...I must encourage this somehow...I need to think it through and ask my friends in group tonight.

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Feeling every emotion

I can actually feel the shifts of emotions as they are happening today. For example, I look in the mirror and see my awful looking body and my mood shifts...my son runs in the room to hug me and my mood shifts...a friend calls and makes me laugh...again my mood shifts...

I had a rough week last week. The reality of ending one relationship, a life long relationship, took me over the moon. We've known each other since we were 14 so it is going to take me awhile to deal with this.

Mistakes were made while on my trip but I just need to move past it somehow. I think about my job and my mood shifts again. I don't want to go back on Monday. I want to sit in my room and never leave. Not even for therapy...I have no idea how I'm going to tell T what took place last week.

T's say that they don't judge us...do you think that is really true? Everyone else in my life judges me so why not him? Well not everyone but close enough.

I will assume his highest motive...he'd like that statement. We'll see what I am able to get out on Monday.

Anyway, I took about four Lorazepam tablets might that help? Top it off with Seroquel and Trileptal...sounds good to me.

Nighty night everyone

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Ending the pain...

What does that mean to us? Is there an end to pain? Does death end pain? We don't really know do we?

I was watching this show about Jim Jones. Remember the 900 suicides in Jonesboro? I had forgotten that story but on Oprah, his son was on and it was so sad. He had kids drinking cyanide in the koolaid.

Wow...I can't imagine as a mother ever doing that to my son. Oprah made that point pretty good I think. His son thinks Jim had mental illness that spun out of control.

I'm sure he did because how can you manipulate 900 people to commit suicide and not have some long standing issue. It makes me wonder if he had gotten help would those 900 people have died?

A gruesome thought I know, I was pretty "up" this trip and now I feel myself coming down...I was very depressed today and wanted to come home early...I feel miserable about alot of things that went on this week.

I don't have the energy to type it out...I'm just not feeling good at all...

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