my baby turned five...

we had his party on saturday and so much went wrong with it. of course he didn't really notice but I feel so bad for him. he is such a good loving child and actually has manners and cares about people.

I wish the same could be said for the other kids and their parents. I wanted this to be a special birthday and some things happened to ruin that and I'm sick over it.

I'm so upset I can't even type it out...more later

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please calm down

I wish I could calm down. I am sending myself over the moon. I have my session tonight, didn't act right last session, and my nerves are off the charts.

Luckily, I am home and no one can see me like this. I've tried everything to calm down from listening to music, to driving around, to watching tv. It's not working.

At least I am off the diet pills and the seroquel has kicked in...but I am coming apart at the seams. I did this to myself by pushing at my T...now I'm in hell.

Let that be another lesson to me. thank god for my blog and blog friends...love you all!

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home now...

I figured it out...diet pills are why i have been crazy the past month
And why i am on edge. That plus no seroquel equal disaster...

So i took my seroquel and will go off the diet pills immediately and everything
Will improve...i still end up learning the hard way this is why my fingers are so raw too

I hope this is the last time to learn this lesson

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daddy

I need my dad. He can fix me. I am fighting the urge to call him because i know I'll break down and what can he do from another state?

growing up, sometimes I would collapse emotionally and he would be there to pick me up. tell me its okay, he understands and make me laugh we'd go to lunch or he'd tell me funny stories and all is well. I love him completely.

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Losing it...

omg, this is the worst I have felt ever. not taking seroquel even last night is not helping. I need to go home, can't work, can't think, can't function.

the suffering is unbearable and it needs to end now. right now. right now....my husband said leave work, go home and take the seroquel...but i can't move from my desk. i feel frozen.

i hate myself and life....hate everything

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now what?

so what does one do when they ruin a friendship? what can be done with all of the sadness and regret? sit up all night...call out sick tomorrow from work...disappear?

I've been here before, slowly realizing how I got here again, and just don't know where to go from here. If I could turn back the pages of the past month, I would handle myself differently but I can't.

I can't sleep but never really could without Seroquel. The good news is I can't cry, the bad news is I'm lost having hurt someone I care about.

This is the point in a relationship when I realize it is time to fade to black. Perhaps save some humiliation...if that is possible anyway.

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mom says she's "finished"

and I think she is. Her lung cancer is back and her doctor's use the word "containment" rather than "kill it". Her chemo has plants in it and is not the type that kills cancer. That starts on Monday...we'll see how it goes.

My mom and I have a very difficult relationship. Not close but yet somewhat close, in defined moments I guess.

I was mad at her tonight. She called my brother to say she won't live to see him get married in 2011. Well, probably not but why say that to him?? He's beyond sensitive and she knows what kind of reaction that will have. My brother is 36 but still a hurt child in many ways.

She wasn't really a mother to us at all. Always sick, always on the couch with her hand over her forehead...always an ailment...disease...problem...always angry...rageful...hateful...always at death's door but managed to scream at me daily.

I ended up saying to her the following "so your whole life, since I was a small child, you claimed to be at death's door...now you are. Happy?

A mean thing to say I know. I had to say it for some reason. I've been quiet for the past year with all the cancer stuff. I haven't said much just listened. Odd feelings are coming up in me. This isn't the time for anger is what I tell myself but it still came out.

I don't know what I feel right now...but whatever it is...it's not sorrow, sadness or worry. I guess I've accepted it. It's just the way it is.

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why bother feeling anything

what good are relationships really? do we need them to survive? aren't we just fine being alone? I am...I've done it.

I am a good friend to people, good to my family, have looked forward to friendships both in and outside of work...and honestly it all seems like too much work half the time. Often it seems when I need someone...they aren't there.

so why bother? am I missing out on anything? the way I see it tonight, no not really.

relationships are just too taxing emotionally for me....at least this week.

if I can just turn off my feelings for good, then I'll be happier

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seeing the future

I don't see a good future where I live. In fact, I have this overwhelming sense that something bad is going to happen. It makes me want to run...move. Is it me, my husband or god forbid my son?

I feel like it is me...I can't say why I feel this way but I do. Sometimes when people feel like this and then something happens, others say the person knew it before it happened.

The strange thing is I feel a calm about it if it is me. A sort of acceptance. Isn't that strange? scary? odd?

If I had a preference, it would be me. I wouldn't want it to be my husband or son. I had told T awhile back I feel this...I'm not sure why but its been a few months now.

Do you think we can change the inevitable? Our destiny? Maybe my depression is coming back who knows but I can't shake this feeling...it won't go away.

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stay with me...

Wow I thought this woman at work hated me and found out that she and I are almost one in the same. She had a very difficult time with someone else at work.

She almost had a break down and I put my hand on hers and said 'stay with me'...at that moment, she looked down and both of us have torn apart fingers...wow. she said 'you do understand don't you'? I nodded and managed a weak 'yes, I do'...

It was a touching moment between two tortured souls. Thats the way I see it anyway. In the end, we are all human. No matter what our title at work is, we are reduced to being human and being there for her, for anyone in pain, comes natural to me. I don't want anyone to feel the pain I often feel.

I don't know where her and I go from here. It doesn't matter in the end, at that moment, she seemed to feel okay and that is what I wanted for her.

I told T about it tonight. I probably made more jokes than necessary. I often use humor to escape letting out embarrassing feelings, of course, he sees through this I'm sure.

We had a very good session tonight. I try not to judge it but tonight was everything I needed and more. It's always interesting finding out how wrong I am about most interactions both in and outside of his office. I ended up suffering more than I needed to as usual.

One day, I'll get it right I suppose. One day...

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