November 26, 2014

My Sanctuary

I used to post so much here. I'm going to try and talk more. It's been helpful. 

The holidays always remind me of what I've had and what I no longer have. It's lonely where we live. All our families are in other states.  My brother has twin girls. I miss them so much.

My son is missing out on growing up with his cousins. My dad recently told me in a somewhat emotional way that one of the twins is so much like me that he is watching his first born child growing up again.

He's not emotional with me very often but this means a lot to me. My parents rarely referred to me as a child positively. There was always a complaint. This makes me love my nieces even more. They aren't identical twins so at least there is only one of me repeating history.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

July 28, 2014

An exercise in futility....

I love and adore my son I am the luckiout woman in the world. I enjoy helping with his homework,plaing learning games on mu IPad.what is then the exercise in futility? My son has all my problems. Some people think because we share DNA that I am the parent that who better to help him that isn't always the case.

I watch him struggle through school, same as I did. We have him in two supplementary educational programs. One for math, the other foe reading, spelling, handwriting and language arts.

However, the noise in my head just gets louder and louder. I blame my genetics for his problems, guilt sets in a significant decline in my depression happens. I've made good bye videos to my husband, my son, as well as my brother and father. A special one for my therapist apologizing that I've lost the battle and it's not his fault. My problems are many garden variety clinical labels, major depression, bipolar, ADD, and borderline personality disorder. On top of that I have a seizure disorder, two chronic pain conditions, and other medical problems.

11 days of rage

That's how I classify my last trip back home with my son. My son loves his Grandfather so much. My dad loves him equally. Just one huge problem. My son is sensitive, loving, compassionate and much more. However, at 9 years of age he's not much of a fighter in the physical sense. My father has told me I've ruined him. He called him a baby and a wimp several times. My son was crying and for the remainder of the trip had "tummy aches". I was mad the first time dad made him cry. I tried to explain that my son believes him, doesn't think he's joking. The truth is my dad wasn't joking.

I know this first hand. My dad beat sensitivity out of my brother and me. My brother was so much like my son is now. He once put one of my dresses on my brother because he was crying over something my dad said to him. I told my dad what my son said that he doesn't know if my dad was telling the truth or lying. This statement broke my heart. You might think that would stop my dad well it didn't he kept it up. I screamed at my dad to stop it and then we had a huge fight which my son heard. I'm glad my son heard me. I've always told him as his mommy I will protect him at all costs and from anyone.

March 27, 2014

Well I finally tried it

I have been spiraling out of control since starting a new depression medicine Fetzima.
I tried to end it but it didn't work. Imagine my frustration. It's been my son that has stopped me before. I feel now he deserves a better mom. He's home from school now so I'll come up with something that might work this weekend when my husband and son are gone for hours on Saturday
I've been suicidal most of my life. Nothing new. My dad says I'm no longer his strong child, my brother would rather embrace his new wife's family and their neighbors.

I'm going to make some videos for each of them. I will really miss my adorable, loving son.he has similar issues to me ADD, speech and language problems, he's a target for bullying. I can't watch this unfold anymore. I spend every waken moment with him the minute he comes home. I organize his binders, folders, homework, help him study for tests, I've got him in two additional academic programs. It's working. But this deep depression is so so strong. I was on Pristiq. Also four other potent medications. Pills are not my method not at all.
I don't think it works.

March 18, 2014

when suppressing anger is no longer an option

Many who know me wouldn't believe for a second that I suppress frustration for quite a while until one day, one moment, in a split second or less, my anger/rage comes out. Often a surprise to doctors, coworkers, teachers and school administration, one day the somewhat compliant or nice me rises to a level that is unexpected.

I see it in their faces, the element of surprise and sometimes confusion. Lately, it's my sons school administrators that are on the receiving end of the dark side of me. It was a terse email last week that has set the stage for a meeting on the Monday after Spring Break.

My son has struggles similar to mine. He has ADD, a speech and language disorder that affects reading comprehension. Since Kindergarten, the school has had several copies of a detailed assessment performed by a top children's hospital in our area. The results of the assessment documented the above diagnoses.