Today was by far the hardest day regarding getting out of bed.
I need to come off all medicines and start over. If my psychiatrist won't do it, I'll go to the emergency room.
I've never felt worse it may be the epilepsy medicine.
I really want to go home and stay in bed or just die. I'm way too heavy to exist and there is no end in sight
Borderline Mess
January 31, 2012
Daily scope
Sagittarius Jan 31 2012
Are you doing what you're meant to be doing right now, at this very moment? Have you made the right choices and wound up in the right place? Yes, of course you have Sagittarius. You may be feeling that you have lost your bearings. You may be wondering if you have made mistakes that prevented you from reaching your true destiny. That's because you've had a few rough breaks recently, and you're doing a lot of introspection. But if you are wondering if it's too late to pursue a special goal, the answer is NO - it is NOT too late. In fact, you are now in precisely the right place to begin your pursuit.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile
Are you doing what you're meant to be doing right now, at this very moment? Have you made the right choices and wound up in the right place? Yes, of course you have Sagittarius. You may be feeling that you have lost your bearings. You may be wondering if you have made mistakes that prevented you from reaching your true destiny. That's because you've had a few rough breaks recently, and you're doing a lot of introspection. But if you are wondering if it's too late to pursue a special goal, the answer is NO - it is NOT too late. In fact, you are now in precisely the right place to begin your pursuit.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile
January 29, 2012
proud of my son
he is in first grade and already reading on a second grade level. his birth was difficult and he has some speech and language issues but with his public school speech therapist and the private one that I pay for myself, and my husband working with him he's doing great.
I'm not the homework parent, we both have Add and its hard enough working with my issues but I do his art projects with him that is my strength. I'm just so proud of him he works so hard and its paying off.
part of why I try to stay employed despite my many mental health issues is so he has what he needs academically.
I just learned something from him.
I need to work harder on my issues which will benefit him in the long run. I owe him that much, I love my son more than myself.
We keep playing phone tag
Its my exboyfriend and I but I can't show up he's in another state... We keep missing each other
Sagittarius Jan 29 2012
You know how it goes: someone calls you, misses you, and leaves you a message. You then return the call, miss the person, and you leave a message too. It's an old game called phone tag. Maybe, to make up for your lack of communication, you will opt for texting or email. But there is no substitute for the real thing. Make a point of scheduling some face time with an important person in your life, Sagittarius. You seriously need to catch up and nurture that relationship. Besides, there may be some important news you'll want to hear.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile I cannot do my job anymore actually I've never been able to do my job.
I want to quit my job...
For the past five years, of which I've been in management three of these years, I have not been able to adequately do my job. It was first because I needed to clean house and that took about two of my three management years. Now I have positions to fill and constant priority shifting is causing a significant delay and making me have to rely on one employee who does not take direction well, I cannot trust and is very very slow at doing his work.
I have a deadline for this big project that is unmanageable and him to rely on? Great. I can't even screen my potential employees this week. I want to scream. I have my medical problems that are going unattended and won't be surprised if I collapse again. I have to change pdoc's because of the vyvanse issue (the only drug keeping me working) if that goes away so does my career. I want to cry but can't for some reason. I'm numb. I'm constantly fighting whether its at work, with my doctors, especially pdocs who think they know me better than me. I'm viewed I feel as this sick little bipolar/borderline chick. I should be able to work with these doctors they are smart and knowledgeable but they can't work with me it has to be against me.
Pdocs for me either focus on the bipolar or the ADD. I can't get both for some reason. For five years vvyvanse has been my life saver, one drug that the drug company got right. There are no ups and downs...just a steady flow of focusing. Its a lifesaver. Once I got on this I finished one certification and almost another I have one part left. My career took off so this pdoc wants to get rid of it by telling me to go off 70mg to zero without taking me down slowly and without even knowing my workload this week. He doesn't care it doesn't affect him. I don't even know why he is asking me to do this just received an email saying "dr. so and so feels that you should stop vyvanse for now". Hell no!!!! I told him I am willing to come off everything and start over with the mood stabilizers and antipsychotics but not this one or the lorazepam and temazepam. These two plus the vyvanse work for me. Keppra causes rage so I am taking B vitamins and doing better.
The suicidal feelings are creeping back in again...I feel it and I'm trying to stop it but I can't. I'm misunderstood or misdiagnosed maybe. I have temporal lobe epilepsy but there is no test for bipolar. There is no ADD test BUT plenty of evidence of my significant improvement. But that's being ignored again.
I'm sick and tired of being sick, depressed, suicidal and unwell physically. I need a doctor who will listen and understand the whole picture of me...can't find that though in the psychiatry world...why???????????????
I have a deadline for this big project that is unmanageable and him to rely on? Great. I can't even screen my potential employees this week. I want to scream. I have my medical problems that are going unattended and won't be surprised if I collapse again. I have to change pdoc's because of the vyvanse issue (the only drug keeping me working) if that goes away so does my career. I want to cry but can't for some reason. I'm numb. I'm constantly fighting whether its at work, with my doctors, especially pdocs who think they know me better than me. I'm viewed I feel as this sick little bipolar/borderline chick. I should be able to work with these doctors they are smart and knowledgeable but they can't work with me it has to be against me.
Pdocs for me either focus on the bipolar or the ADD. I can't get both for some reason. For five years vvyvanse has been my life saver, one drug that the drug company got right. There are no ups and downs...just a steady flow of focusing. Its a lifesaver. Once I got on this I finished one certification and almost another I have one part left. My career took off so this pdoc wants to get rid of it by telling me to go off 70mg to zero without taking me down slowly and without even knowing my workload this week. He doesn't care it doesn't affect him. I don't even know why he is asking me to do this just received an email saying "dr. so and so feels that you should stop vyvanse for now". Hell no!!!! I told him I am willing to come off everything and start over with the mood stabilizers and antipsychotics but not this one or the lorazepam and temazepam. These two plus the vyvanse work for me. Keppra causes rage so I am taking B vitamins and doing better.
The suicidal feelings are creeping back in again...I feel it and I'm trying to stop it but I can't. I'm misunderstood or misdiagnosed maybe. I have temporal lobe epilepsy but there is no test for bipolar. There is no ADD test BUT plenty of evidence of my significant improvement. But that's being ignored again.
I'm sick and tired of being sick, depressed, suicidal and unwell physically. I need a doctor who will listen and understand the whole picture of me...can't find that though in the psychiatry world...why???????????????
January 28, 2012
sex and BPD...
I was reading some blogs last night about sex with a girl with BPD and was quite dismayed at some of the comments made. I can say that when I feel sexy, which isn't much these days, sex with someone I care about is intense, very intense. Its almost like every feeling that I have comes out and I get lost in it, completely lost. I often confuse this with love and have been hurt in the past.
So, some of the comments were "have sex with a BPD but marry a real woman". This one seems to hurt me the most because I identify with it. I've had countless relationships in the past where a guy comes to me for sex but goes home to his boring wife. Not my term on the boring wife...but his. Men have no idea how hurtful this is to both parties. They want it all but can't find it in one woman so they need two. The love of my life is married to someone else. Admittedly, we both love each other still today, sex between us was magical and passionate. He and I both married the opposite. I often feel cheated because the man I'm married to now is not someone I'm sexual with at all anymore. Its been about a year. Who knows anymore whose fault it is, it doesn't matter.
I have a child though so I stay. I have strayed...a bit but I'm just being used and that's hard to admit. So, the one guy I migrated to once in awhile I've left behind. He's married, a marine which I absolutely find sexy but he's also bisexual so I'm not his focus anyway. I have some guilt feelings towards his wife because she seems to be a lovely person but he talks about her so badly that I can't help but feel for her. So I'm staying away from him partly because when we are together, it's all about him and then off he goes for another month or so. I think he's more into men anyway.
I'm not sure if my husband and I can get back what we had once. I haven't been stable enough to give it much thought. Perhaps maybe if allow it but I'm barely available to my son right now who really needs me. My heart bursts with love for him but then I sit and isolate like right now.
This post has morphed a bit from the title but I just type the way I'm feeling which often changes in the same post. I need to leave soon for my hair appointment that is far away, I love this new stylist I have. My hair is the only thing attractive about me anymore so I try to take care of it. I think I'll go darker today...I'm in a dark place so why not look the part?
So, some of the comments were "have sex with a BPD but marry a real woman". This one seems to hurt me the most because I identify with it. I've had countless relationships in the past where a guy comes to me for sex but goes home to his boring wife. Not my term on the boring wife...but his. Men have no idea how hurtful this is to both parties. They want it all but can't find it in one woman so they need two. The love of my life is married to someone else. Admittedly, we both love each other still today, sex between us was magical and passionate. He and I both married the opposite. I often feel cheated because the man I'm married to now is not someone I'm sexual with at all anymore. Its been about a year. Who knows anymore whose fault it is, it doesn't matter.
I have a child though so I stay. I have strayed...a bit but I'm just being used and that's hard to admit. So, the one guy I migrated to once in awhile I've left behind. He's married, a marine which I absolutely find sexy but he's also bisexual so I'm not his focus anyway. I have some guilt feelings towards his wife because she seems to be a lovely person but he talks about her so badly that I can't help but feel for her. So I'm staying away from him partly because when we are together, it's all about him and then off he goes for another month or so. I think he's more into men anyway.
I'm not sure if my husband and I can get back what we had once. I haven't been stable enough to give it much thought. Perhaps maybe if allow it but I'm barely available to my son right now who really needs me. My heart bursts with love for him but then I sit and isolate like right now.
This post has morphed a bit from the title but I just type the way I'm feeling which often changes in the same post. I need to leave soon for my hair appointment that is far away, I love this new stylist I have. My hair is the only thing attractive about me anymore so I try to take care of it. I think I'll go darker today...I'm in a dark place so why not look the part?
Don't fight dirty
Wow this one is timely... I'm mad at my psychiatrist, my boss, my husband, this stupid project, my employee, the world.
The only one I'm not mad at is my therapist. I'm truly blessed that I have him, too bad he's not blessed with me. I need to remember he's not the problem, I am as usual.
Aunt Helen thank you for the gift you have given me, now give him one... What I asked for at your grave site. He deserves it.
Sagittarius Jan 28 2012
If you have found yourself in the midst of a power struggle with an authority figure, you will need to be diplomatic and use your common sense. Giving in to explosive emotions now can only result in mayhem, and will cause you problems for quite awhile. That's not to say that you should back down if you feel that you're right, but you have to behave like someone who is running for office. Use discretion in what you say and do, and don't throw mud. Fighting dirty will only make neutral parties think less of you. Take the high road.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile
January 26, 2012
Just click find and replace...
Once again I need to find a new doctor. I emailed him about medication problems. I take the following;
1. Keppra 500mg every 12 hourss
2. Seroquel 200mg
3. Vyvanse 70mg
4. Lorazepam .5 three times per day
5. Latuda 80mg
6. Coumadin 5mg
7. Robaxin 500mg
8. methacarbamol another relaxant.
I didn't feel stable Keppra causes rage but I found the solution. Take B6 and B12 and it worked. So, my pdoc get this email minus the vitamin information because I didn't know about it yet. His solution is to come off Vyvanse immediately. the one drug I've taken for five year with NO FUCKING PROBLEMS. It will cause me immediate problems now and I might as well quit my job, my high level career gone just like that.
The other drugs are newer to me, its the mood stabilizers/antipsychotics that cause my problems. But here is another doctor that doesn't want to listen. So I emailed him back and said if this is his final analysis, I'm gone. I need to protect my fucking job not that these doctors care. Does he want to pay me my $88K salary that I never would have if it wasn't for this drug?
So tommorrow I'm on the hunt again for another pdoc. Just when I thought I had what I needed finally. Just like that its over again. My fourth psychiatrist. At firsst I thought my therapist recommended this to him he just spoke to his assistant over there. But who knows, I'll never know the truth. My therapist doesnt' like me on Vyvanse either.
Just because I have bipolar doesn't mean I'm flying into mania, if that were the case it would have happened multiple times over the past five years. I hate all of these doctors and the power they have over me. Just hit find and replace.
1. Keppra 500mg every 12 hourss
2. Seroquel 200mg
3. Vyvanse 70mg
4. Lorazepam .5 three times per day
5. Latuda 80mg
6. Coumadin 5mg
7. Robaxin 500mg
8. methacarbamol another relaxant.
I didn't feel stable Keppra causes rage but I found the solution. Take B6 and B12 and it worked. So, my pdoc get this email minus the vitamin information because I didn't know about it yet. His solution is to come off Vyvanse immediately. the one drug I've taken for five year with NO FUCKING PROBLEMS. It will cause me immediate problems now and I might as well quit my job, my high level career gone just like that.
The other drugs are newer to me, its the mood stabilizers/antipsychotics that cause my problems. But here is another doctor that doesn't want to listen. So I emailed him back and said if this is his final analysis, I'm gone. I need to protect my fucking job not that these doctors care. Does he want to pay me my $88K salary that I never would have if it wasn't for this drug?
So tommorrow I'm on the hunt again for another pdoc. Just when I thought I had what I needed finally. Just like that its over again. My fourth psychiatrist. At firsst I thought my therapist recommended this to him he just spoke to his assistant over there. But who knows, I'll never know the truth. My therapist doesnt' like me on Vyvanse either.
Just because I have bipolar doesn't mean I'm flying into mania, if that were the case it would have happened multiple times over the past five years. I hate all of these doctors and the power they have over me. Just hit find and replace.
January 25, 2012
self esteem takes another hit
Last night in therapy, my therapist said on one side I come off as this street smart tough girl and on the other hand I missed how this former friend used me and was naive about her.
He pushed that wild animal button again and did not keep my fragile self esteem together. He knows I'm not medically stable and how much pressure I'm under at work and then hits me in my weakest area hard.
So again I left therapy hurt and demoralized. How is this therapeutic?
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