Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

November 26, 2014

My Sanctuary

I used to post so much here. I'm going to try and talk more. It's been helpful. 

The holidays always remind me of what I've had and what I no longer have. It's lonely where we live. All our families are in other states.  My brother has twin girls. I miss them so much.

My son is missing out on growing up with his cousins. My dad recently told me in a somewhat emotional way that one of the twins is so much like me that he is watching his first born child growing up again.

He's not emotional with me very often but this means a lot to me. My parents rarely referred to me as a child positively. There was always a complaint. This makes me love my nieces even more. They aren't identical twins so at least there is only one of me repeating history.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

January 20, 2012

schemas...interesting!



I don't know much about different types of therapy even though I've been in therapy almost six years. I came across something called Schema Therapy and found these classifications interesting:

Core Childhood Needs
• Safety
• “Stable Base,” Predictability
• Love, Nurturing & Attention
• Acceptance & Praise
• Empathy
• Guidance & Protection
• Validation of Feelings & Needs

In some cases, I got some of these needs met with my Aunt Helen for sure but for the most part most of these needs went unmet and I still look for ways to get them met. Mostly, in an impulsive manner.

Eighteen Early Maladaptive Schemas - I don't know what all of these mean but noting the ones I bond with.

•Abandonment (obvious number one problem of mine)
•Mistrust & Abuse (number two issue for sure)
•Emotional Deprivation
•Dependence (I allow this now but only in therapy)
•Vulnerability (I find myself way too vulnerable to the wrong people)
•Enmeshment
•Defectiveness
•Social Isolation (I do this all the time)
•Approval-Seeking (I used to care about this but lately less and less)
•Failure (often feel like a failure as a mother, woman, person, patient, friend, etc.)
•Subjugation
•Self-Sacrifice
•Unrelenting Standards
•Negativity (well, I'm certtainly not a positive person)
•Entitlement (I guess at times I feel entitled to something...how about validation?)
•Insufficient Self-Control
•Overcontrol
•Punitiveness (I can be quite punitive to those who hurt me or I perceive as hurting me)

I'll have to think these through some more I have no idea how to fix any of this.

December 27, 2011

focus on who wants me...

Let me see if I can figure out who these people are right now. I know for sure my brother, father, and a few of my cousins have demanded that I move back home. Especially my brother and his wife. After today and other recents events, I think I am ready to start making plans to move back home again.

There isn't anything for my husband, son and I here really. It isn't great back home where I grew up, there are ghosts, past traumas but there is also good stuff brewing, things to look forward to. My brother and his wife will be having kids any day now. They moved right in a neighborhood near one of our closest cousins and I would love to also buy one of those houses near them.

It's time to leave this place behind. Lots of bad memories here. I haven't made friends here and some friends I thought I had, I really don't have and probably never will. Some of that reality I got today and I'm done trying anymore. No more pursuing people who are out of reach and not interested being within reach. At least back home, people understand me, out here I'm seen as someone I am not. I am often misunderstood, good things I do for people are discounted or forgotten altogether. I am not always an easy person to be around but my heart is in the right place. When I care for someone truly care for them I'll do anything for them and not hurt them in any way on purpose. Too bad it doesn't work the other way in my favor.

I'm not given the benefit of the doubt even back home but I can handle it back there now. Watching my brother's wedding video clip really hit me deep in my heart. He may be 37 but he's still my baby brother to me. I need to be with him and eventually his kids. Back home I don't need to explain myself to anyone because we are all alike. I still won't have any "friends" back there because my best friend is no longer but so what. I have my family and that's all I need. I have my cousins too. Not sure what the job front will look like probably not as good as I have it here but so what.

What I really want to leave behind is this roller coaster I am on...searching and searching for someone to take care of me just a little bit and care just a little bit and not resent me for it. Well, that is not out here where I live. That is back home where I need to go. At least back home I am appreciated for some things and probably even more since I've lived out here. I think things will be different this time. At least I hope they will.

I know I have my faults. I'm needy, I wear people out at times, I can be selfish, I get angry, enraged and destroy things like I did around the house this weekend. I've been horrible to my husband and others who don't even know me. Most of this due to my condition I suppose but no excuse really. There are some answers I still don't have about myself that I thought I'd learn in therapy but haven't so far. Why I change so much? Why are there so many parts of myself that change so quick? I don't know if there are answers to this or even a cure. Maybe I don't need to know...maybe its best I don't know. All I know is what happened the other night has never happened like that before.

All my therapist said was take another Seroquel. I can do that but who was that? Seriously? who was that? That's what I want to know?

April 16, 2011

I'm a fighter, that's just who I am...

This weekend so far today has been real interesting. I am either put on the defense about my parenting style (helicopter mom aka I baby my son) or I am defending my husband at my son's game.

Let me be very clear, when someone is put on the defense, there is and should be a response. I am not going to sit by and let someone walk all over me, my son and my husband. It just isn't going to happen.

However, whenever I do this, there are consequences. I am direct and blunt at times and other times quite aggressive. However, in both of these instances I was direct and blunt. I have a problem to solve and I solve it with the person I needed to.

December 26, 2010

Miracles

I do believe in them and my Aunt H proves over and over just how much they can happen. Minutes after my I'm falling post, she came through again. If I were to share this story and the other incidents no one would believe me.

But I do believe. She is always there when it matters. Always. I love you and miss you.

February 27, 2010

My husband likes grandma

Yes you read that right. I found something disturbing on my husband's computer over a week ago. He fantasizes about grandma. Not mine or his because they are deceased (well one of his isn't deceased) but he's looking at grandma porn.

Wow, I can't compete with that. I am only 40 and still get carded when I go out. I haven't confronted him because I have no idea what to fucking say. I have always prided myself in being so open sexually. Well, not "that" open I guess.

It's no wonder we don't have a sex life. I'd have to age about 30 years. Forget that shit. I need to find someone who is attracted to me at my natural age.

I cannot believe how my life turned out...I just can't. It's like a cruel joke or something.

I've actually felt bad about some things I've done in this marriage but not anymore.

I started picking at him tonight. Went and had a few drinks with the neighbors and when we got home...it starting eating at me. Grandma porn...what the fuck???????

All I said is you aren't attracted to me...and he denied it. I then said you probably should go and think about that for awhile and let me know what you come up with. He stormed out...yeah that's right papi...go watch more grandma porn and I'll see ya in the morning. I didn't say the last part but I wanted to.

I'm really starting to implode....

February 23, 2010

splitting headache

dI couldn't go tonight. The weather is crappy...raining...snowing lightly. On the way to the restaurant, I got an immediate splitting headache. I was almost frozen in the pain. I had to pull over and wasn't sure I could actually get home.

I searched my truck and found two advil tablets. It was like a gift from god at that moment. I waited about 20 minutes and then drove home. My head is still splitting but not as bad.

I feel so lost right now. I talked to my dad tonight and he made me laugh a little bit but then I became sad again. I just want to be with him right now. He's in therapy too very briefly through the VA.

My dad really likes his therapist. I am amazed at this change in him. He's been diagnosed with PTSD to which I replied I have it to and got it from you....:)

He laughed at that concept. He has Leukemia and is so far controlled by medicine but honestly he can't keep his business going much longer. The drug is too hard on him and his body is breaking down.

He could tell something was wrong with me but I distracted him and we went on to another subject. I'll be visiting back home middle of march. Honestly, I don't want to come back to where I live here.

I feel like life has come full circle and the circle ends back home. I'll be staying with my brother and his fiancee and I would love to stay with him until I find a job out there. I'll have my son with me and that is all I need.

I'm thinking about this seriously...I'm going to breakdown back home. I can feel it and I don't want to come back here. It's a thought I can't get out of my head.

December 25, 2009

merry christmas!

The morning opened with my son waking us up first to help him to the potty and second to his presents...he was so cute.

Most of the presents that "santa" got him are puzzles and games that he can play with us. I'm excited about playing games with him. He's at that age now.

I'll be cooking tonight. Baked italian chicken, pasta and my italian gravy.

I hope you all have a good day, thanks for listening to me and I'll be here for you as well. Hugs~

November 27, 2009

major headache

I'm still on vacation in Florida. We leave to return home tomorrow and I have been in bed all day until now with a major headache. It won't go away...I'm ready to cry.

I did forget one of my pills last night (trileptal) but that can't be it. Maybe i don't want to go home. We have an 18 hour drive ahead of us...starting early tomorrow.

My son is having a blast down here, we all have had a good time. I hate to see it end.

Happy thanksgiving everyone

August 1, 2009

Latest pictures of my mother

My mom has stage 4 cancer and she sent some pictures today of her. I just saw them and wow, I wasn't expecting the dramatic change in her appearance. She sent some pictures before and I didn't look at them but this time I did.

Her best friend Edna came to visit her for a week in Florida. So I wanted to see Edna and mom was next to her in the picture. I guess I just didn't want to see her reality. I tend to back off from any harsh reality and have been doing this when it comes to my mom.

We have a weird relationship. It isn't close but it isn't non-existent either. There is a long history between she and I and most of it isn't pretty. She's different now in a lot of ways but I haven't been able to just let it go and try and be close. Judging from the pictures, time is getting near for her I think.

I am taking some vacation time but it is to do nothing, get some sleep and get some things done that I haven't been able to get done.

We are planning to see my mom in Florida for thanksgiving...all three of us plan to go but the airfare is astronomical. It could be her last holiday though so we'll go.

I can't type much more, I burned my hand earlier today and I need more ice...it is always something. More later

April 18, 2009

Family Biology

I found this cool mood tracker at moodtracker.com. I think I'll use it and then maybe I can identify what is causing some of my ups and downs (externally). I guess there is a biological part to Bipolar II...I wonder who in my family has it.

If I had to guess, I'd say my dad's dad definitely. He used to disappear for days on end (drinking binge). He had his own masonry business and was a hard worker but he drank and my dad said it would rev him up and he'd work from dawn til dusk.

My grandfather was also what they called back then a bar room brawler. He was 100% Italian and had an attitude. My dad jokes that grandpop would say "time to turn out the lights the party is over" and then he'd start knocking guys around. People were afraid of my grandpop for sure. They would not make eye contact with him and some were known to walk down different streets so not to pass his house. I'm not too proud of that fact but he came from a different time. It was a rough neighborhood and he had no fear, no fear of anything. He was in and out of jail for fights and being drunk. My dad and his brother bailed him out most weekends.

On the good side he did love his family and he was an athlete in baseball. He was a pitcher for the a minor league team and pitched against Satchel Page. He had a wife, six kids, a business and I'd say not bad for a guy who had serious mood problems.

I wish we could turn back the clock and he could have been helped by medication. He did mellow with age and all I remember was him sitting on the couch with his arms crossed across his chest, legs crossed on the coffee table, he would turn and look at me with a half smile and a slight chuckle. I guess I amused him or something.

I can't remember his voice, I don't remember if he spoke much. I sort of remember my grandmother, his wife. She was high energy always running around cleaning and yelling at everyone to pick up after themselves. You figure she had six kids and there were spouses so that is twelve plus thirteen grandchildren.

A total of 25 people in the house every Sunday!!!! I'd be yelling too (giggle).

Grandmom had three sisters and two of them had regular shock treatments for "anxiety and nervousness". That is what they said back then.

On my mom's side there is plenty of mental illness. Her parents were alcoholics like my grandfather was. I just don't know how many were actually bipolar on either side. I'm not much help there.

I just know that I am and hope my son never is. Part of me doesn't want to try for a second child I'm afraid of what I might pass on. Anyone else ever feel like that? I have too much work stress going on now anyway to think about it but I, like most any parent, don't want my children to suffer in any way like I did and still do.

I do know that my son will never suffer the emotional, physical and sexual abuse that I did. I know I can only control his family environment and I worry about the external world. I want to always shield and protect him.

He's such a happy child always running up to people and hugging them. That's not the world we live in though and I'm scared too. If someone takes my child's smile away and replaces it with pain, they will face me and there is nothing I won't do to them in retaliation. Nothing.

Sounds harsh but this is my child and I didn't bring him into this world as someone else's target. My heart breaks for other families who have suffered such a loss of a child or had to watch them go through pain. I see it on TV and just shake my head and wish I could take that pain away from them.

Well my post is turning depressing so perhaps I should go out into the sunshine for awhile...take care everyone.

November 20, 2008

Remember Me

I found this poem on-line, re-wrote some of it and read at my uncle's funeral.

When I first found it, I cried. It made me think of my real "mother". She was my aunt and my saviour. She wasn't my biological aunt because my mom was adopted. She gave me everything a biological mother should give to her child. She held me, loved me, protected me, and is the only person that walked this earth that gave all she had to give to me.

I was too young to understand what she would come to mean to me later. Alzheimer's stole her from me when I was 10 yrs old. I never got to take care of her, hold her and protect her. Both my uncle and my aunt were from a different generation. There is a permanent hole inside of me that will never heal.

I know my cousins feel the same way about my uncle. His last words when he saw a picture of his grandchildren were "how beautiful and precious they are, how lucky I have been to be their grandfather"...he died 10 minutes later. So this poem is for both of them. How lucky I have been to be their niece.

Remember Me

To the living, I am gone.
To the sorrowful, I will never return.
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to my family, know I am at peace.
I cannot speak, but I can listen.
I cannot be seen, but I can be felt.
So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea- Remember Me.
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity-Remember Me.
Remember me in your heart,
Your thoughts, and your memories.
Of the times we loved,
the times we cried,
the times we struggled,
and the times we laughed.
For if you always think of me, I will never have gone