July 28, 2014

11 days of rage

That's how I classify my last trip back home with my son. My son loves his Grandfather so much. My dad loves him equally. Just one huge problem. My son is sensitive, loving, compassionate and much more. However, at 9 years of age he's not much of a fighter in the physical sense. My father has told me I've ruined him. He called him a baby and a wimp several times. My son was crying and for the remainder of the trip had "tummy aches". I was mad the first time dad made him cry. I tried to explain that my son believes him, doesn't think he's joking. The truth is my dad wasn't joking.

I know this first hand. My dad beat sensitivity out of my brother and me. My brother was so much like my son is now. He once put one of my dresses on my brother because he was crying over something my dad said to him. I told my dad what my son said that he doesn't know if my dad was telling the truth or lying. This statement broke my heart. You might think that would stop my dad well it didn't he kept it up. I screamed at my dad to stop it and then we had a huge fight which my son heard. I'm glad my son heard me. I've always told him as his mommy I will protect him at all costs and from anyone.

I wanted my son to see me fulfilling my promise. The remainder of the trip was horrible for me. My dad had a checklist of things he believes I need to work on. At the top of the list is lose weight. He's the reason I have an eating disorder in the first place. I was very thin in high school, he thought I was fat. Well, I am heavy now. I have fibromyalgia, Lymes disease, and several mental health struggles as is written all over this blog.

I'm 44 years old and had numerous panic attacks during our stay with my dad. It left me wondering just how did I live in my house growing up with two abusive parents and survived? Add the bullying in school and I'm lucky I even made it. My mom was my ultimate abuser also talked about on this blog. My dad was the better of the two but not by much.

My husband and I are raising a wonderful young man, we love him so much. My dad can think what he wants but I know I broke the cycle of abuse. The evidence is in how happy and well adjusted child. We are proud of him. I will never let my son visit my dad alone now. I was actually considering it because this is the first time my dad acted this way with his favorite Grandson (actually it's his only Grandson) he has two beautiful twin Grand daughters. Dad used to affectionately call me his favorite daughter even though I'm the only daughter.

I've done my best to tell my son that his Grandfather often takes joking too much. My son is over it but I'm not. So many feelings were triggered for me during those 11 days. If we go back, we are staying in a hotel. That will piss my dad off but I don't care. My son and me do not deserve to be treated like we were.

Dad and I argued the whole trip which is normal for me unfortunately. Dad is ashamed of me because I had to give my career up due to my medical problems. It's a long story but he now refers to me as his weaker child and not his strong child. I was not really strong, I hid my feelings, buried them deep inside me and a tough side of me acted as protection from my parents. My brother should not be classified as the weaker child like he was compared to me by my dad.

It's a shame my son has to be taught that sometimes bullies exist in our families too.

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