July 28, 2014

An exercise in futility....

I love and adore my son I am the luckiout woman in the world. I enjoy helping with his homework,plaing learning games on mu IPad.what is then the exercise in futility? My son has all my problems. Some people think because we share DNA that I am the parent that who better to help him that isn't always the case.

I watch him struggle through school, same as I did. We have him in two supplementary educational programs. One for math, the other foe reading, spelling, handwriting and language arts.

However, the noise in my head just gets louder and louder. I blame my genetics for his problems, guilt sets in a significant decline in my depression happens. I've made good bye videos to my husband, my son, as well as my brother and father. A special one for my therapist apologizing that I've lost the battle and it's not his fault. My problems are many garden variety clinical labels, major depression, bipolar, ADD, and borderline personality disorder. On top of that I have a seizure disorder, two chronic pain conditions, and other medical problems.

11 days of rage

That's how I classify my last trip back home with my son. My son loves his Grandfather so much. My dad loves him equally. Just one huge problem. My son is sensitive, loving, compassionate and much more. However, at 9 years of age he's not much of a fighter in the physical sense. My father has told me I've ruined him. He called him a baby and a wimp several times. My son was crying and for the remainder of the trip had "tummy aches". I was mad the first time dad made him cry. I tried to explain that my son believes him, doesn't think he's joking. The truth is my dad wasn't joking.

I know this first hand. My dad beat sensitivity out of my brother and me. My brother was so much like my son is now. He once put one of my dresses on my brother because he was crying over something my dad said to him. I told my dad what my son said that he doesn't know if my dad was telling the truth or lying. This statement broke my heart. You might think that would stop my dad well it didn't he kept it up. I screamed at my dad to stop it and then we had a huge fight which my son heard. I'm glad my son heard me. I've always told him as his mommy I will protect him at all costs and from anyone.