July 28, 2014

An exercise in futility....

I love and adore my son I am the luckiout woman in the world. I enjoy helping with his homework,plaing learning games on mu IPad.what is then the exercise in futility? My son has all my problems. Some people think because we share DNA that I am the parent that who better to help him that isn't always the case.

I watch him struggle through school, same as I did. We have him in two supplementary educational programs. One for math, the other foe reading, spelling, handwriting and language arts.

However, the noise in my head just gets louder and louder. I blame my genetics for his problems, guilt sets in a significant decline in my depression happens. I've made good bye videos to my husband, my son, as well as my brother and father. A special one for my therapist apologizing that I've lost the battle and it's not his fault. My problems are many garden variety clinical labels, major depression, bipolar, ADD, and borderline personality disorder. On top of that I have a seizure disorder, two chronic pain conditions, and other medical problems.

This is no quality of life for me. It affects my son. We play games on the iPad mostly educational games. I've taken him to some fun places but I should be doing more I try to hide my problems when he's around me. I make his dinner every night, buy him some kind of desserts.

I also developed my own academic help for him that starts with homework and other learning tools I created for him.

I often think he would be better off without me. I've lost my dad and brother. I used to be the strong person in my life and not believe in my diagnoses. I've had to lie about medications telling them I'm off my psych meds. I feel so alone. My dad and my brother say I should come to them not a therapist. I tried that once when mom died. I had a problem with prescription drugs, I finally kicked that but the one time I tried to rely on my brother about all the meds my mom had in her house, I brought them to my brother and he flipped a switch resulting in me with a knife to my throat and cuts to my right arm

Needless to say I'll never rely on anyone after that. I'm getting sleepy again good night

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