November 27, 2013

Another panic attack

I was excited about going home for the reunion, now because I'm significantly heavier than 5 years ago, I'm having extreme anxiety. It's all set I'm meeting my former best friend who I've reconnected with she's lost 55lbs, I have lost about 30 and I have 30-40 more pounds to go. It's my midsection a complete tire for real. I've never had a weight problem my whole life until I hit 40 and I just turned 44 the other day. I'm disgusted with myself. I know my dad is ashamed of me.

I've gone from an average weight girl who had a great career, first college graduate on both sides of the family, graduated magna cum laud, certified as a fraud examiner etc. to this woman with the following diagnoses which have me on disability waiting to hear from social security :

1. Bipolar
2. Major depression
3. Focus/concentration problems
4. Cognitive disorder NOS
5. Temporal lobe epilepsy
6. Polyarthralgia w/ flu like syndrome active 3-4 days a week
7. Myofacial pain
8. Multiple blood clots throughout my life. Pulmonary embolism in 2011

Medications that have ruined my body:

1. Seroquel
2. Lyrica

Let me see what other of my 13 medications that I take for the above diagnoses also may cause weight gain be back soon

November 25, 2013

My friend isn't the only one who freaks out this time of year

I call it inner demons that cause me to flip a switch..it isn't pretty either.
I get into altercations quickly, instantaneously. Today hearing about someone's severe abuse
Has me in fighter mode. Abusers need to be dealt with in a whole new way, talking doesn't
Cure the inner and outer scars. One of my biggest Abusers was my mom. She was dying of lung cancer. Instead of trying again to heal old wounds her constant denial awakened part of me that wished her dead.
After she died I flipped another strip emerging myself into a variety of prescription drugs that I really really want right now. They calm my thoughts, the beating that goes on in my head. It's so bad some days I want to die

November 23, 2013

finally out tonight but...

It's 49 degrees NOT helping my pain conditions at all. I hope this new doctor I see early December can find a medication combo that works. I feel the flu like syndrome already. I've had to cancel therapy sessions and move other doctor appointments around. I'm still waiting for my MRI to be approved. Cigna is denying all of my radiology tests. I'm fucking pissed. All my doctors need to do is provide Cigna with more medical records or make sure they are coded right. I'm upset. Besides the MRI I need a back xray and mammogram. Guess they don't care if I'm having mini strokes etc. It's not on me if I end up with a full on stroke. My neurologist can answer for that

November 13, 2013

I'm unsettled at a minimum

So much stress going making my mental and physical conditions worse. I'm faced again with despair. I've lost my long-term disability, can't get a much needed MRI due to insurance, I've lost my career, more self-esteem if that's possible, I'm in more physical pain trying so hard to be available for my son. I am a failure at so much lately wondering once again why God keeps me on this earth. My son deserves better than me. I deserve to be free from a lifetime of pain. Please God take me away

I do this all the time.

Sagittarius horoscope for Nov 13 2013 by Daily Horoscope (http://bit.ly/DHmobile)