July 31, 2013

Memory problems

The other day a woman called from an adoption agency wanting to continue our discussion. She had my cell phone number. I have no memory of talking to her at all. My husband said I told him I wanted to adopt a baby girl. I noticed this was the same day as a major car wreck that I had and have no idea how it happened. 

I have many examples over the last few months of phone calls, texts, conversations that I have no memory of. I've ruled out medications I take many medications but they are all small amounts.

I need to see my neurologist again. I have a seizure disorder they are called staring seizures. They are about 5-30 seconds in nature. There are even posts on here going back years ago I have no memory writing. I also have a pineal cyst 6mm. All neurologists say it causes no problems and blow me off. I found the skull base institute and they specialize in pineal tumors and cysts. She confirmed my assertion that my life long insomnia is caused by this cyst. I told her all my neurological and medical illnesses and she said other pineal tumor and cyst patients have some of my disorders.

I'm excited about having a consultation with the doctor. He will request all my medical records and then talk with me at length about my entire life's psychological and medical background. I'm excited about this finally some answers to my questions are not being ignored or blown off. Then he'll tell me what course of action he will take stay tuned

July 24, 2013

nervous breakdown

the last two weeks have been hell. my dad's all over me, prescriptions are not getting filled because while in Pennsylvania three of them were transferred and the stupid fucking law is the reason they can't be transferred back. therefore each one had a refill left is useless my doctors are not cooperative and want me to run in my car for new ones. hell no the EZTAG store wouldn't let me change cars and get a new tag because my husband didn't put me on the account earlier my eyeglasses were not ready so I had my fill of running around getting nothing done. I got into a huge argument at the EZTAG store they were twice going to call security I said go ahead I've been looking for a fight. I. guess today is the day. someone was called he took one look at me and retreated. there is no reason they couldn't help me I had all the proof they needed. it was around this time I realized I was going to miss my therapy appointment. I. was looking forward to seeing him today. but it was almost noon by this time so I had to cancel it. little by little it's happening I'm going to blow and when I do I pity everyone in my path. now I have to see if my therapist has something open Friday. I miss my nieces terribly all I want to do is be with them. they are states away. I'm angry about that there is so much I'm mad about

July 18, 2013

Gods plan can be not only mysterious but confusing

Last night my brother called me. Another tragedy in our family. My sister-in-laws brother
Passed away at 38 years old. I didn't realize he had an ongoing heart problem. He was supposed to be the proud godfather of our twin nieces. Me the godmother. It was so perfect two siblings being godparents for my brother and his wife. So god gives us gorgeous twin girls a month ago only to take away their uncle and future
Godfather....I'll never understand.

About a month ago I had a bad car accident. It was my fault. After crashing through a wood fence
I looked in the review mirror and said out loud omg I'm still alive...part of me is suicidal so that is where
That came from. There is alot pain in my life right now. My father rejecting me yet again. He's ashamed
Of me. One day I had a great career then the next I'm out again on long term disability. I had a breakdown and was also diagnosed with two pain conditions. My dad likes to brag about me now I'm 200lbs
I just started changing my life style to juicing several times a day. I'm trying to improve
My overall health. Hopefully, by juicing fruits and vegetables several times a day, I'll lose weight and
Maybe I won't need some of these medications.

Anyway, I'll probably be flying out for the funeral tomorrow. I have yet another question for god concerning the death of my brother in law...WHY and WHY now at 38 years of age

July 11, 2013

It's time now for real change.

Really. How much longer can I sit in bed depressed about my weight and how I look. I am going to start juicing fruits ans vegetables. I hear people are losing significant weight and feel good and in some cases aren't as depressed. I wonder if this could help me reduce the number of medications I take after awhile of changing my entire way of eating.

My therapist talked about schema therapy and I read his handouts he printed for me. Scary territory in some areas but he knows what to do. Since my mom died over a year ago, I basically checked out of therapy, for awhile there I thought it really was time to stop. Not because I've finished what I wanted to accomplish, but because I was really in a state of complete isolation and didn't want to be around anyone. It was like I was emotionally spent and didn't care if it ended. Everything in my life does end this is the first time I allowed myself to connect with someone this long for sure.

It's time to get down to work. I know it won't be easy but I'm not sure I'm as fragile as I have been lately.

Time will tell and these positive feelings can change in an hour....it's just the borderline way at times.
My son is being bullied and I'm a wreck feeling every emotion he is as if it is happening to me all over again

July 3, 2013

My memory sucks

I keep messing my damn appointments up. Most of all my therapy appointments. The very appointments I need the most. I'm having memory problems. My therapist can vouch that I never miss an appointments.  I had a car accident, a major one but my head wasn't hurt so I see no need to see my my seizure doctor. I'm getting a new car. I was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy. I'm afraid ill lose my license when I'm not even sure I had a seizure. I was over tired and I'm so glad I didn't hurt anyone more than me. I could not concerned about me, what if I hit a pregnant woman or god forbid a child. I better tell my doctor and have all the testing redone. 
Who would want me on the road without testing , so testing it is....the accident has really scared me