December 30, 2013

worst trip ever

I'm trying to have a good time away. However, so far a nice bracelet my husband bought me is lost at the airport, my expensive eye glasses are lost as of today. Praying to saint Anthony is not going well. I finally have crawled out of bed taken a trip with my husband and son. If I would've stayed home none of this would've happened. Its a holiday I'm out of town and have no glasses to see. I want to go home

December 22, 2013

More panic attacks

No known source unfortunately....never is that I can point to. Just need a bit higher on lorazepam like 1mg 3x per day instead of two. Good luck trying to get that these days. I try other methods of reducing anxiety but to no avail. Any advice on other medications from anyone I'd be happy to hear about it

December 19, 2013

a day at the spa

And my pain conditions persist. I have my typical fever and flu like syndrome. How in the world can I make this work. My husband bought me this for my birthday can't cancel. Just hoping my body cooperates.

November 27, 2013

Another panic attack

I was excited about going home for the reunion, now because I'm significantly heavier than 5 years ago, I'm having extreme anxiety. It's all set I'm meeting my former best friend who I've reconnected with she's lost 55lbs, I have lost about 30 and I have 30-40 more pounds to go. It's my midsection a complete tire for real. I've never had a weight problem my whole life until I hit 40 and I just turned 44 the other day. I'm disgusted with myself. I know my dad is ashamed of me.

I've gone from an average weight girl who had a great career, first college graduate on both sides of the family, graduated magna cum laud, certified as a fraud examiner etc. to this woman with the following diagnoses which have me on disability waiting to hear from social security :

1. Bipolar
2. Major depression
3. Focus/concentration problems
4. Cognitive disorder NOS
5. Temporal lobe epilepsy
6. Polyarthralgia w/ flu like syndrome active 3-4 days a week
7. Myofacial pain
8. Multiple blood clots throughout my life. Pulmonary embolism in 2011

Medications that have ruined my body:

1. Seroquel
2. Lyrica

Let me see what other of my 13 medications that I take for the above diagnoses also may cause weight gain be back soon

November 25, 2013

My friend isn't the only one who freaks out this time of year

I call it inner demons that cause me to flip a isn't pretty either.
I get into altercations quickly, instantaneously. Today hearing about someone's severe abuse
Has me in fighter mode. Abusers need to be dealt with in a whole new way, talking doesn't
Cure the inner and outer scars. One of my biggest Abusers was my mom. She was dying of lung cancer. Instead of trying again to heal old wounds her constant denial awakened part of me that wished her dead.
After she died I flipped another strip emerging myself into a variety of prescription drugs that I really really want right now. They calm my thoughts, the beating that goes on in my head. It's so bad some days I want to die

November 23, 2013

finally out tonight but...

It's 49 degrees NOT helping my pain conditions at all. I hope this new doctor I see early December can find a medication combo that works. I feel the flu like syndrome already. I've had to cancel therapy sessions and move other doctor appointments around. I'm still waiting for my MRI to be approved. Cigna is denying all of my radiology tests. I'm fucking pissed. All my doctors need to do is provide Cigna with more medical records or make sure they are coded right. I'm upset. Besides the MRI I need a back xray and mammogram. Guess they don't care if I'm having mini strokes etc. It's not on me if I end up with a full on stroke. My neurologist can answer for that

November 13, 2013

I'm unsettled at a minimum

So much stress going making my mental and physical conditions worse. I'm faced again with despair. I've lost my long-term disability, can't get a much needed MRI due to insurance, I've lost my career, more self-esteem if that's possible, I'm in more physical pain trying so hard to be available for my son. I am a failure at so much lately wondering once again why God keeps me on this earth. My son deserves better than me. I deserve to be free from a lifetime of pain. Please God take me away

I do this all the time.

Sagittarius horoscope for Nov 13 2013 by Daily Horoscope (

October 19, 2013

losing a brother before he dies...

I'm totally heart broken. my brother has 100% fused himself with a bunch of neighbors who he says is his real family.
ever since his wife's brother died! it's been worse? all I want is a relationship with him and my gorgeous twin nieces. I'm the only blood aunt they have but since no relationship exists right now and living out of state, it's so heartbreaking for me and me alone. there is history here some my fault! things I can't change.
he wanted me there with him when the girls were born! I hopped a plane for him and the girls? I became godmother! again hopped a plane? it was the worst week of my life.

he verbally tore me apart! broke my heart in two. I'm mourning the loss I never expected to lose.
Facebook can be a bad thing. all these girls calling my nieces their nieces, these are neighbors!!!!

please someone who can relate to this how do I mourn someone who isn't dead and I don't want to mourn.
I've tried everything at least I can see the girls when I go back home. I want to talk to him at least on the phone
but he's abandoned me and my father for his wife, her friends and the entire neighborhood they live in.
it doesn't have to be this way. we lost our mother. this is the source of our problems.
I have written already on here about that long story.

sometimes I wish I was on my death bed, would that bring him back? if I won the lottery that
would bring him back for sure. I love my husband, son and my nieces but maybe they are all better
off without me, it sure would help me to know longer feel this pain.
it's been a terrible week. out of the blue, my disability claim that I've been under for a year just dumped
me for a variety of reasons. now I have to appeal this meanwhile my husbands salary is it.
the life of a bipolar with many medical issues, taking a total of 11 medications is deemed
ready to work. seriously??

October 5, 2013

my son is being hurt I feel to blame

Since birth my son and his best friend havr grown up together and now they are eight. They go to the same and until this year were always in the same school group. For unknown reason his friend was put into a new group. Both boys seemed to be upset about it. My son asked me back then if it was his fault. Shocked I said why would it be because of you. He said he didn't know. I said there is no way its because of you there could be several reasons why that decision was made. If the school had issues with you and they never do. They would meet woth me. Well his friend doesn't sit with him on the bus anymore until my son asks him to I told my son not to force that on his friend. I've been working with my son to branch out and make his own friends but that's hard for my son. He has's a communication disorder. I try hard having him, martial arts. He's friends with my other sons kids. I don't know what else to do

September 20, 2013

what future do I have as sick as I am

both medically and mentally, the most impacting are bipolar and my pain conditions. etc. I'm in hell

September 16, 2013

I want answers!!!!

is there a drug like seroquel, without side effects like weight gain?????? Latuda doesn't work tried Geodon had too many stomach problems, saphris doesn't work either

September 2, 2013

good news for a change

I had a best friend since the fourth grade all the way past high school. she moved to Iowa many years ago. she found me on facebook. I accepted. we both did things to each other but who cares. my life goal is no more resentments. we are going to our 25th school reunion together getting adjoining rooms. I'm just so happy to be back in touch with her I'm so elated. no it's not my bipolar two high, I did wonder about it. I haven't been this happy in years, I'm over the moon

August 26, 2013

I'm afraid of a lot lately...

Children can ask a lot of questions that start with "why?" and no one thinks any less of them because they are still learning and growing. Why is the sky blue? Why is the earth round? Why, why, why? But when an adult asks a lot of questions, we aren't as easy on him or her. You may be afraid of asking a question that needs asking right now, Sagittarius. You may fear that someone will think less of you, or won't think you are worthy of a certain opportunity. But the opposite is true - ask as many questions as you have, and you will be well-prepared when others are clueless.

August 14, 2013

I'm lost trying to find my way without substances

I don't drink o check on that one. my weight is improving since my husband and I started juicing. possible weakness is pills. it doesn't matter what type really. I have pain conditions that are not being treated pharmaceutically.
I need a good muscle relaxer and pain medicine. so many pain medicines make me sick accept one.
sp, I thought I was doing well but my flare up in pain today where I can barely move has me wanting to make me phone call that will help me. I don't abuse them. if my doctors would treat me appropriately and not give me useless medicines like lyrica and traumadol. please it's been a year and a half. I can't take it anymore.
I want my life back. however, if I get caught its me who is in trouble not the incompetent doctors or the impossible regulations that may stop the masses but people like me can't get shit.
it's making me extremely angry like I'm being controlled rather than controlling my own conditions.
who do I turn to so this stops and my conditions can be treated right so that I don't self medicate????

July 31, 2013

Memory problems

The other day a woman called from an adoption agency wanting to continue our discussion. She had my cell phone number. I have no memory of talking to her at all. My husband said I told him I wanted to adopt a baby girl. I noticed this was the same day as a major car wreck that I had and have no idea how it happened. 

I have many examples over the last few months of phone calls, texts, conversations that I have no memory of. I've ruled out medications I take many medications but they are all small amounts.

I need to see my neurologist again. I have a seizure disorder they are called staring seizures. They are about 5-30 seconds in nature. There are even posts on here going back years ago I have no memory writing. I also have a pineal cyst 6mm. All neurologists say it causes no problems and blow me off. I found the skull base institute and they specialize in pineal tumors and cysts. She confirmed my assertion that my life long insomnia is caused by this cyst. I told her all my neurological and medical illnesses and she said other pineal tumor and cyst patients have some of my disorders.

I'm excited about having a consultation with the doctor. He will request all my medical records and then talk with me at length about my entire life's psychological and medical background. I'm excited about this finally some answers to my questions are not being ignored or blown off. Then he'll tell me what course of action he will take stay tuned

July 24, 2013

nervous breakdown

the last two weeks have been hell. my dad's all over me, prescriptions are not getting filled because while in Pennsylvania three of them were transferred and the stupid fucking law is the reason they can't be transferred back. therefore each one had a refill left is useless my doctors are not cooperative and want me to run in my car for new ones. hell no the EZTAG store wouldn't let me change cars and get a new tag because my husband didn't put me on the account earlier my eyeglasses were not ready so I had my fill of running around getting nothing done. I got into a huge argument at the EZTAG store they were twice going to call security I said go ahead I've been looking for a fight. I. guess today is the day. someone was called he took one look at me and retreated. there is no reason they couldn't help me I had all the proof they needed. it was around this time I realized I was going to miss my therapy appointment. I. was looking forward to seeing him today. but it was almost noon by this time so I had to cancel it. little by little it's happening I'm going to blow and when I do I pity everyone in my path. now I have to see if my therapist has something open Friday. I miss my nieces terribly all I want to do is be with them. they are states away. I'm angry about that there is so much I'm mad about

July 18, 2013

Gods plan can be not only mysterious but confusing

Last night my brother called me. Another tragedy in our family. My sister-in-laws brother
Passed away at 38 years old. I didn't realize he had an ongoing heart problem. He was supposed to be the proud godfather of our twin nieces. Me the godmother. It was so perfect two siblings being godparents for my brother and his wife. So god gives us gorgeous twin girls a month ago only to take away their uncle and future
Godfather....I'll never understand.

About a month ago I had a bad car accident. It was my fault. After crashing through a wood fence
I looked in the review mirror and said out loud omg I'm still alive...part of me is suicidal so that is where
That came from. There is alot pain in my life right now. My father rejecting me yet again. He's ashamed
Of me. One day I had a great career then the next I'm out again on long term disability. I had a breakdown and was also diagnosed with two pain conditions. My dad likes to brag about me now I'm 200lbs
I just started changing my life style to juicing several times a day. I'm trying to improve
My overall health. Hopefully, by juicing fruits and vegetables several times a day, I'll lose weight and
Maybe I won't need some of these medications.

Anyway, I'll probably be flying out for the funeral tomorrow. I have yet another question for god concerning the death of my brother in law...WHY and WHY now at 38 years of age

July 11, 2013

It's time now for real change.

Really. How much longer can I sit in bed depressed about my weight and how I look. I am going to start juicing fruits ans vegetables. I hear people are losing significant weight and feel good and in some cases aren't as depressed. I wonder if this could help me reduce the number of medications I take after awhile of changing my entire way of eating.

My therapist talked about schema therapy and I read his handouts he printed for me. Scary territory in some areas but he knows what to do. Since my mom died over a year ago, I basically checked out of therapy, for awhile there I thought it really was time to stop. Not because I've finished what I wanted to accomplish, but because I was really in a state of complete isolation and didn't want to be around anyone. It was like I was emotionally spent and didn't care if it ended. Everything in my life does end this is the first time I allowed myself to connect with someone this long for sure.

It's time to get down to work. I know it won't be easy but I'm not sure I'm as fragile as I have been lately.

Time will tell and these positive feelings can change in an's just the borderline way at times.
My son is being bullied and I'm a wreck feeling every emotion he is as if it is happening to me all over again

July 3, 2013

My memory sucks

I keep messing my damn appointments up. Most of all my therapy appointments. The very appointments I need the most. I'm having memory problems. My therapist can vouch that I never miss an appointments.  I had a car accident, a major one but my head wasn't hurt so I see no need to see my my seizure doctor. I'm getting a new car. I was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy. I'm afraid ill lose my license when I'm not even sure I had a seizure. I was over tired and I'm so glad I didn't hurt anyone more than me. I could not concerned about me, what if I hit a pregnant woman or god forbid a child. I better tell my doctor and have all the testing redone. 
Who would want me on the road without testing , so testing it is....the accident has really scared me

June 21, 2013

accidents, accidents

I had a major crash. I don't know what happened. only prescription drugs no alcohol. I didn't abuse any medication all have prescriptions. after all the testing was done. I wanted to leave they let me go. the citation card says didn't stay in lane. closed report filed. it doesn't say closed charges filed. can this change down the road? I'm in Texas can they decide just because I had my normal medications in my system the should re open my case? I have a seizure disorder but I am medicated my seizure type is left temporal lobe staring seizures. I'm just a mess just a mess

June 14, 2013

best friend charms

remember having these as young girls, well it's the birthday of someone I'm very close to. we used to work with each other, our kids are friends and Mt dearest friend I'll call Lana are closer than ever. I bought us matching necklaces they are beautiful. sterling silver the shape is like a, & symbol but prettier with a small diamond on the bottom half. she will love it. she calls us soul sisters now we will have a symbol to go with it. I see her tomorrow since I'll be out of town for her birthday . this is the perfect time to give it to her.

June 8, 2013

Hope this isn't true

No don't this is about my sister-in-law and my nieces who will be born any day. I so desperately want to know them but once I see them I am sure it will be my last. Long story

Sagittarius horoscope for Jun, 08, 2013

There is something you want now so much that you have chosen to wear blinders. You don't want to see the reality. You don't want to know what's wrong with this goal. You don't want to hear about it from your family and friends. But if you move forward, Sagittarius, you will find out whether you need to listen to your instincts and your loved ones or not. You need to open your eyes wide and see what you are dealing with. That doesn't mean you have to give up on it - it just means that you have to be more objective in your pursuit.

Copyright (c) The DailyHoroscope by Comitic

June 7, 2013

deep depression

I am cycling down today. there are a few reasons all situations I can't control. I'm working hard this time to shut the feelings off. I'm watching reruns of cold case and law and order special victims unit. if this doesn't work I'll pray to the man above to finally put me out of my misery. maybe it will work this time. I've been asking since the age of six to no avail. in fact anytime I prayed to god when I believed as a child he was there for me he was silent. all sorts of abuse continued from my parents, one sick boyfriend and another rape a few years ago. where was he then? I also feel that my mom went to an early grave because I turned my back on her. I. didn't realize that I love a woman who hated me. the child in me wants her back now. if I could only get a second chance to redo my relationship with her. but that is impossible and I want out of this living hell

June 6, 2013

the weirdest thing happened

the other day before bed I heard this loud hollow sound it was my mom's voice she either said geri it's mom but I also she said her full name. the minute my head hit the pillow she was gone. first time in my life I have ever heard a voice it freaked me out at first but want to know what she was trying to say

May 31, 2013

just have no motivation

to get out of bed or do anything else. my depression is bad right now and suicidal feelings are always just around the corner. one day I just may do it. living right now seems like hell on earth

May 22, 2013


it's interesting that I'm missing you since you died last year. I really believed after how much I suffered under you that your death wouldn't matter to me but now you are all I can think about

January 19, 2013

major anxiety

I see my pdoc Monday and I'm nervous he won't prescribe this drug tranxene plus low dose of seroquil. I read up on tranxene and it seems to last longer than klonopin. I had a sleep study done at the request of my neurologist. results? off the charts insomnia. but he didn't want to prescribe anything. so my unreliable pdoc is my last option for both anxiety and insomnia relief. why am I nervous because this idiot thinks he knows what is best. I'm bringing the sleep study this time. I'm frustrated with doctors won't give me what I need including my muscle relaxer. my rhumatologist can only prescribe flexeril that doesn't work on me or robaxin which I had the 500mg dose.... didn't work either. I'm out of steam fighting for what I need no one disputes that I have many competing conditions the doctors pick and choose which ones they want to treat its called defensive medicine. I call it malpractice but I'm powerless to do anything about it. how would they enjoy untreated anxiety and insomnia. I even went off several medications hoping it would change their minds. we'll see on Monday or Tuesday

January 17, 2013

feeling good after a rough spot

talk about withdrawal syndrome! I went off all of my medications 14 in all. Then after violently being sick, I reintroduced prozac, lamictal xr, saphris, klonopin, coumadin, and my thyroiditis medication. I don't recommend my method it can be dangerous but I have to say wow, what a difference. my mind is clear. I also quit smoking which include the patch. weight loss is my next never ending challenge.