August 31, 2012

can I really do this

my horoscope says to drop the long term thoughts of my career, yet as we speak there is a woman destroying my department or trying to convince the board to out source my group.

with no thought of me or my employees who were just hired and are counting on me coming back and having a good job.

I swear the evil in this woman knows no bounds. only my therapist can stop me from returning to that place with some logic. because I have such a strong fighter instinct if the board decides to give me more time, I know I will go right back there and fight for my department, my employees, and my hard work turning the department around. I've been there five years, three of which in the director role.

then when I thought I had it tough enough with difficult employees that needed to be terminated came a spider on the body of a chief financial officer.

she roped me on the first year like a predator finding my weak spots and filling temporarily filling those needs. then when I wouldn't carry out her agenda against others well that was the end if the honeymoon phase.

she withheld information from me, cut my staff by two and left me over worked, stressed, and I reached for pills to deal with not sleeping because I was working too much plus I had a dress to squeeze into.

she trashed my reputation with upper management but that didn't work. they hated her too. none of us knew she had a hit list and since she told me who they were, and they are good people. I was added to the hit list.

this is my second time on leave last year it had to do with her mostly. this year somewhat but I'm having serious medical problems. and what is she focused on? making sure I have nothing to come back to or at a minimum talk the board into getting rid of me.

I can't comprehend people like her. I need to write that book on bullying not just what I went through in school but at various jobs twice now both high powered women who survive and I either leave or will be fired because I'm not better yet.

if she outsources my group I will sue her civilly for the hostile work environment that everyone knew was going on, a false allegation she made against me, how she didn't lose her job over a 3 million dollar mistake etc.

I won't sue my employers because she's too good at this, they don't realize what she's doing. I need to talk to the board president he needs to hear my version. I'm all about the truth, bring her in the room lets get this going before its too late.

August 30, 2012


I love you show me somehow you know this. Aunt Helen does all the time why not you? even in death I'm not worth it?

August 26, 2012

about my mom

what will never be said, what will never be fixed, and what will never be forgotten. we both made mistakes but I was supposed to be the child. your first born at 908 pm. I was reading your old texts today and you did try to get through to me but it only took one little comment from you and I backed off again.

there is a picture of you and my brother at his wedding you gazing into his eyes with tears of joy, happiness, or maybe you knew that was your last dance and you would never see his children. I don't know what was in your mind at that moment but you never looked at me that way just like you said in your email, I am jealous because of how you look at him.

no mom, its the daily abuse that I received growing up that bothered me. I lost hope long ago for you to look at me lovingly. why bother the only one who does that now is my son. I've broken the cycle of abuse, as for my fate that depends on whether what I'm doing is going to kill me or not.

August 16, 2012


my liver enzymes are very high doctor said yesterday they have been higher. my primary doctor never told me. I saw an endocrinologist today.

found out I probably will be terminated from my job. one off my employees was questioned about me, her, and if she was behind. its the only way they can terminate me if she can't handle the department which she can I hired the best person to take my place. I'm still sick do I can't return, I've been crying for my mommy every day.

if only I could have one more chance I would have brought her out here like she asked, instead, I turned my back on her. now all I have is a small urn to hold which I do every day asking her to forgive me. why should she? I couldn't do it for her.

I just had to be right instead pig opening my heart to her. I should never be forgiven. no matter what she did, she needed her first child to take over and take care of her.  I'm so sorry mommy

maybe this three month mystery illness is God's way of punishing me. I deserve it all of it. I failed her

August 8, 2012

lets face facts

my husband no longer has my large salary its time for him to get a better paying job and take care off his wife. I went from the hard making bread winner to disability both physical and mental.
he can make double what her makes and I'll have to do my part best I can with my son if he travels or work long hours.
my therapist didn't seem interested in helping me but I may have heard him wrong now I need a letter from my primary doctor to beg my job to renew another if that is a no then I lose my job and disability and wait forever for social security to deny me then appeal, might have to hire a lawyer in fact
this could mean long periods if no money on my end.
he got mad when  i questioned his manhood he said.

he also said in sickness and health but only meant health apparently. he's so smart he can double his salary but instead walked out the door on his sick wife.
great guy eh?

everyone can fuck off today enough said

August 4, 2012

watching less than zero

that 80's movie, I identify with it. I just heard from my very first crush before Jimmy. his name is Tony and we were neighbors for like twenty years our dads were best friends and wanted Tony and I to someday marry.
but as has happened in every case with all my exboyfriends he married a blonde near where his mom lived. we hung out on weekends as kids two years apart I was older we would make out in his fathers basement out of my dads vision which was no easy task. I thought when I was 12 when I met Tony I would die without him.
two years later I really meet the guy I still wait for at 42 years if age. sadly, I think we want to be together but are married with kids to others.
my biggest loss as guys go we vow friendship forever, if he only knew what I go through to forget the pain of us not being together. no matter which state I run away from him to, my heart is his.

there are other movies that explain us. sweet home Alabama and especially this other movie I can't remember the title to from the 80 s gene was Jimmy and I was the other girl with the controlling boyfriend but one look, it was gene she wanted it could be our life story. John Travolta s wife was in it.... what is the name of that movie??