June 27, 2012

pain continues

my primary doctor refused my pain medicine refill! I'm pissed. not only do I have some unknown infectious disease my injured right elbow still hurts. I went to the specialist he recommended the jerk wouldn't do an MRI to see if there is a hairline fracture that the XRay didn't pick up. said it was too expensive. thats my call my insurance is good very good. I don't need referrals or permission for anything really. being in the hospital on two different days since to find out what I have is expensive. I'm at this doctors office right now for a blood test I plan to find out why it was denied. I hate the back up doctor who had me in tears at the hospital as it is I'm fuming!

June 25, 2012

I want to give up

It's all too much pressure. Health problems unidentified, mental health problems identified and causing major problems for me. All sorts of disability paperwork overwhelming me for a measly 1,700 a month when I'm used to 4,400 a month in salary.

Everything I worked so hard all my life for going down the drain. Working three jobs, putting myself through school, graduating magna cum laude even though it took ten years, getting a certification, rising at work all being taken apart piece by piece.

Doctors who are insanely rude and insensitive. I don't do well with people like this. Judgements without knowing me at all. Taking a vulnerable person further into the depths of despair.

Loss and regrets over my mothers death. I still send her text messages very surprising to me. No she doesn't respond her phone will be turned off someday soon I'm sure. Trying to handle her estate because my brother the sunshine child can't do it.

My husband getting close to being over it with all of my problems. I can't even function as a proper mother. Any chance this unidentified bacteria could kill me and get it over with? I'm a burden to my husband and son. Truly at this point a burden. More guilt but what can I do about it?

I have no quality of life and no motivation right now to get it back. Why not just stop the presses, the doctors, the tests and let whatever happens just happen. Sounds good to me after all I'm just a borderline taking up space for a healthy person in my mind. I'm worth zero at this point. My only caring people in my life are paid professionals without that they wouldn't see me or even try. I'm pathetic.

June 23, 2012

bad day

so here I am at the hospital, finally trying to get some answers to having a low grade fever for over a month, body aches etc. two doctors had me in tears. it was more the second doctor, my primary care doctors back up. I finally worked up the courage to point out the scars I'm trying hard to heal them but because I have this unknown fever of origin and were looking for answers I told him because of the solution I'm using to heal them. so this guy says why did you do it for attention, you were angry... I burst into tears and said no mother died it was the day of the viewing and he cut me off and said okay if your ultrasound goes well we will release you. attention? fuck off is what I should have said. see where honesty gets me? more pain and tears on top of my other issues. he just set me back today at my sickest moment hope he feels better about himself

June 18, 2012

I'm sad today

I feel do empty now that my mom is gone. I thought I hated her and despised her and have valid reasons for it but in the end all I have are regrets that I hurt my dying mother. I did try to work it out but she couldn't do her part. I should have let it go my pain is twice as bad now.

June 9, 2012

if only I could do this

I love taking care of others because for most if my life, the love or caring isn't returned. but then again I'm not being helpful to gain from it
all I ask from anyone I give my full friendship to is try and care about me just a little bit? how sad



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if only I could do this

I love taking care of others because for most if my life, the love or caring isn't returned. but then again I'm not being helpful to gain from it
all I ask from anyone I give my full friendship to is try and care about me just a little bit? how sad



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Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile'>Sagittarius horoscope for Jun 9 2012 by DailyHoroscope (http://bit.ly/DHmobile)

June 5, 2012

just more pain

I read these daily scopes hoping they will jump start me into letting go of resentments, and recently I realized that I am not only suffering the loss of a complicated mother but my brother as well. events occurred the day of her viewing that should not have happened. I apologized for my part, he didn't. he doesn't even respond to me while I'm trying to wrap up mom's affairs. he just left this all on me as sick as I am... do I'm suffering another loss that I didn't realize I never had.

I don't think I'll make it this time. if he abandons me I'm done.



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June 1, 2012

this is probably about my mom

she is the regret that I am suffering from and I can't seem to stop crying over her death and even though our final conversation was positive we didn't resolve the past. she was a borderline mother, I also have these traits and bipolar, and a drug problem. so did she... its sad I couldn't break through to her or her to me. this is a devastating disorder


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