May 24, 2012

I become a monster

I said things about my brother I don't mean. I've loved him and still do since the day he came home from the hospital.
I forgive him but not myself there has been enough anger and rage lasting a lifetime.

May 23, 2012

possibility who knows

Sagittarius May 23 2012
The people we know best - our families and the friends we've grown up with - are the most vulnerable to us. We understand where they're coming from. We can see through their frailties and we recognize their strengths. We get their subtle jokes and we know their secret aspirations. All too often, though, we use this deep knowledge in a negative way. Instead of using your place in someone's life to knock them down, use it to strengthen your bond. If you can form a united front, you will all benefit immensely from your union.
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May 22, 2012

consequences and the finality of them

Failure. I failed again I usually do fail but until the past few years I haven't been able to shake a few bad habits. More than a few. Add to this the resentment I continue to hold on to like a life line. I'mn not normal. My brain doesn't work right I need medications to function and heal and then there are others....those are the bad ones but I can't shake them.

Maybe part of me wants to die, the right combination at the wrong time. But my son, my love what will he do? Suffer like I am now? I was out of town for a week and he acted out at school. He said he is sad when I'm not around, he loves me, I love him but something is in the way major mental health issues, old and new resentments. I turn into someone or several someone's that are horribe. Say horrible things. My brother the latest target. I never saw that coming. Never. He doesn't need me anymore anyway. He has a perfectly great wife.

He also has a very loyal father. I however have neither of these things. I have to pay for someone to pay attention to me. There are two in my life one is special my therapist, the other is a friend with benefits and not all of them healthy. He says he likes taking care of me and I need that right now. But I pay him too for spa services. Lonely life I lead but its okay I don't need friends that go away anyway or aren't there for me. They have their own fulfilling lives, I'm jealous but not to the point that its envy or ugly. Its just sad and painful.

I am thinking of leaving with my son for another mommy and son weekend. We had fun and he likes the hotels I pick. I want good memories for him of me and him having fun. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. Either by accident, fate, or personal intervention.

I'm destined to turn out like my mother, its a fact now. I have to end the cycle. I can't focus on work anymore and I don't want to. I don't want to feel or cause any more pain for anyone. First on the list my son. He deserves and will get better. His mommy will always be with him. Always.

I also talk too much and again this may backfire on me...but at least I have an exit plan this time if it happens again.

May 19, 2012

I don't care anymore

if anyone loves me, likes me, doesn't want to hear me anymore, or ever wants to see me again.
plan is in motion. I love my son with all that I have in me to love I hope you understand mommy did all I

May 17, 2012


Thursday, May 17, 2012 (Scorpio - Third Decanate) Don't mope around

loss, loyalty, and lies

my mom passed its complicated. she has borderline personality disorder as I do. we just have different parts of it. she continued a cycle of abuse, I broke it. my son runs me for now the little turkey.

my reaction has been a nightmare for me and my brother and his wife. my mom was a substance abuser. when I say there were pills every where I do mean it. hundreds of them. it was to much for me. I have a similar issue and although I was able to throw out much if it, i, on the day if her viewing took some extra pills combined with my meds.
later that night I asked my brother to help me get rid of them. I didn't get a chance to explain anything. he flew into a rage, didn't believe the empty bottles were the ones I threw out. he said turn them over or I call the cops. I already was giving them to him. I couldn't turn over what I flushed away. I did have a few bottles to the side of oxycodone. never tried it before but thought about it. once he mentioned the cops there was no way I was telling him about those two bottles.
he called 911 and hung up. I said they're coming anyway so I grabbed a knife sliced up my arm and was seconds from the carotid artery when he threw me apparently to the ground.
thinking I was facing 25 to life because of all my mom had there but was untouched dying was the only option. in my head I said goodbye to my seven year old and thought I had done it. my eyes popped open and I realized no I'm still here and the cops are coming.
all this because I asked for help? I had just seen my mom in a cardboard box not embalmed because they were going to cremate, and this happens.
I take blame for my part, my brother who I protected his whole life from her and anyone claims he was trying to scare me. my son was three seconds from losing his mother because my brother thought if he hung up 911 wasn't coming?
remember this is the same family that doesn't believe in my six years of therapy or any of my conditions.
my whole body hurts, my arm looks bad, I came to him to help me and this happens.
I take full responsibility for my part but he and I are done.
I want nothing more to do with him I don't care that he thinks he's a hero for saving my life. he put me at deaths door, he trapped me I saw no other way out.
he's spoiled, was the favorite and still is and my dad doesn't blame him for anything.
more later.

May 14, 2012

this is happening as we speak

my brother and I view my mom any minute and were fighting

Sagittarius May 14 2012
You and so-and-so have been going back and forth on a point of contention. You passionately express your side of the story, and then your adversary does the same with his/her side of the story. The problem is that there is probably a lot of pleading, shouting, and persuading going on, but no one is actually listening. That's no way to settle an argument, Sagittarius. If you really want to be fair, and you really want to be objective, then you will both have to agree to listen to the other person. Now doesn't that sound logical?
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May 12, 2012

will it work

my mom died I'm not ready to write yet but this seems to apply somehow

Sagittarius May 12 2012
You can certainly base your approach to a current problem with a solution you found for a similar problem in the past. But before you apply that solution, make sure it still fits. After all, the circumstances have changed dramatically - haven't they, Sagittarius? And, more importantly, YOU have changed dramatically. The old solution may not work very well with your current dilemma. But if you learn from the past, and you apply the wisdom you have now, you will succeed. Take your time to really think about the issue, and be creative.
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May 6, 2012

could be just fine

Sagittarius May 6 2012
You may be feeling nervous and worried about something that hasn't even happened, and may never happen. It isn't wise to expend good energy chasing bad thoughts. Think back to a time not long ago when you were equally anxious. You were certain that a problem would arise and cause you trouble, but it didn't. Think about all of the time and emotion you wasted on something that turned out pretty well. Don't give in to a sense of foreboding. Use your energy instead to propel a goal further, and take command of your thoughts. You are in control.
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May 5, 2012

someone is in my way

I know who it is too, she needs to step out of my way

Sagittarius May 5 2012
Someone or something is standing between you and what you want, Sagittarius. If it's a person who is blocking your path, he or she may be doing so just to get your attention. Give this individual your undivided focus, and you'll be able to work things out. But if something else is standing in your way, it's probably an issue from your past that you don't want to face it, but you will have to deal with it before going any farther. If you deal with it, you will kill two birds with one stone... you will unblock your path, and you'll free yourself of a burden that's been on your shoulders for too long.
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its never good enough

I'm trying so hard to lose weight. tracking almost everything I eat which has been eye opening. I can't seem to stick to 1,220 calories that my fitness pal says I should be at.
I exercise at least twice a well now for an hour at about 3.0 on the treadmill. I play with the incline going up and down from 1.0-2.0.
I am not feeling much on results. I'm not going over my calories more than 600 but its hurting my progress.
my therapist said to be more intense or something like that. I immediately felt like he was saying what I was doing wasn't good enough. I ended up skipping the gym last night I was so upset and had a small milkshake.
he's trying to be helpful but I'm difficult to talk to about my weight especially since I skipped therapy on Wednesday because I couldn't find a comfortable outfit to wear, got severely depressed, and went to bed.
I know stupid reason not to go. thats exactly when I need to go. he helped me become director, he can help me get this weight off but he's not willing to go the surgery route which is what is messing with my head right now. I've proven I can work out and do weight watchers but its not enough, never will be