April 29, 2012

I need to win this time its critical

Sagittarius Apr 29 2012
They say that it isn't whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. Who are "they" anyway, Sagittarius, and don't they know how important it is for you to win? You are intent on conquering a challenge, or beating someone at some kind of game right now. In fact, you probably feel that losing is not even an option. But that's a lot of pressure, and it may even be counter-productive. No one is trying to dampen your spirit for success, but you do need to pay attention to the purpose of your goal. If it's to make you happy, that's great. But if it's to beat someone else down, it's not. Tune in to a higher purpose.
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April 26, 2012

just face it

he's not mine, never will be mine, doesn't want to be mine. I love him with all that I am and all that I have.
he's with someone else, he's got two Kids, he's not leaving them. he was abandoned as a child, he vowed never to leave his my only question is why this all didn't happen with me instead of her. he doesn't love her, he's told me that, he's not been real direct with me but implied he made a mistake. we both made a big one.
he could have been mine but we made another permanent choice.
we can't undo it, we can't turn back time, we can't have a future either.
I rarely get what I need, very rarely.
others have friendships, lovers, are happy, look and feel good..
me I have none of those things. not really a pity party just my reality my very painful reality.
why did I talk to him today and try to press this deep conversation? maybe because I've been waiting and waiting for nothing.

April 25, 2012

better listen to this...

Sagittarius Apr 25 2012
Someone in your inner circle - someone you care about - is telling you that everything is okay. This person's demeanor and appearance may even suggest that it's true. And yet your sixth sense is telling you something altogether different. Being a forceful and assertive Sagittarius, you want to get to the bottom of it. You may be tempted to start asking questions. Even though you are probably right about what you're feeling, the timing is not right for delving into that person's personal emotions right now. Keep your thoughts to yourself until you are approached.
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April 24, 2012

maybe I'll call out tomorrow

Sagittarius Apr 24 2012
There are people who investigate and check and then recheck everything they do. A lot of people born under the sign of Sagittarius fit into that category. Sometimes you are such a control freak that you fail to have a good time because you spend so much energy making sure you haven't done anything incorrectly and that you aren't being taken advantage of. This week you will have the chance to do something strictly for fun. Don't worry about being judged, or measuring up. Just let go and be carefree. You deserve a break from perfection!
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April 22, 2012

can I just say I hate..

exercising and its because of the weight I am starting at. I gave up a weekend with my family because not one pair of jeans fit me right. I am on weight watchers but its slow and I still have the occasional binge eating issue.
I called my personal proud of even doing 40 minutes even though I'm practically dead at the end. he said I have to do a full hour.... nothing I do is ever good enough.
my calories need to come down but they are not as bad as they were.
I'm trying to change a lifetime of bad habits, survive this job be a wife and mother.
I'm failing at least I feel that way. so in addition to Saturday and Sunday I will go Tuesdays and Wednesday s afterwork. there is meeting Monday that I'm worried could end my job.
I shouldve seen my therapist and not backed out of sea world.
now I'm full of guilt and hate myself

April 19, 2012

I don't care

words that are hurtful when they are said to us by those we look to for help, friendship, possibly love.
recently, someone said this to me he's done it once before.
the context doesn't really matter what does matter is he really doesn't care what happens to me so why should i?
I care for people too much way too much... fuck em... let them fend for themselves like they do to me all the time.
just don't be fake and cry at my funeral and explain someday to my son why exactly you didn't care about his mother.
I need to make a mover and fast

isn't this the truth

Sagittarius Apr 19 2012
You are doing your best to make someone, or a group of people, happy. It has required you to do a very rigorous tap dance to maintain the peace, and that was your goal. However, internally you are probably agitated, upset, and maybe even resentful. You may feel like someone who has hosted a party, and worked so hard at making all the guests happy that you have forgotten to take some enjoyment from the party yourself. Stop worrying about pleasing everyone - it isn't possible anyway - and start pleasing yourself.
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April 17, 2012

lost in my head

right where I want to be. I can control my future my way despite others attempts at blocking me
I didn't realize the power within me until now. no one cares about what seroquel did to me more than me.
I'm alone in this fight and I will win it my way.
how dare my doctors deny me the same surgical technics available to others. I will find a way around this. probably end up being harmful because I'll have to take myself off coumadin I should be under a doctors care but that isn't possible now. I'm on my own may even have to pay without insurance thanks to one of my doctors saying I'm not a good candidate. that hurt the most.
I may need to quit therapy he's getting in my way and I'm so hurt right now, I still need him. this is my last run with therapy if this doesn't work then I try my own options and eventually death.
he shouldn't be around to see how this all turns out. I care about him too much. I'm so confused right now

April 16, 2012

this is so me...

Sagittarius Apr 16 2012
If you bring out the big guns to solve a small problem, you may cause more trouble or conflict than you are already dealing with. In fact, Sagittarius, a current problem isn't nearly as big or foreboding as you are probably imagining it to be. Your mind is amplifying the issue - most likely because of cosmic confusion in your sign that is causing you to feel agitated and restless. Find some activity to center yourself, and you'll begin to recognize that you really have nothing to worry about. So don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.
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April 14, 2012

exploring the darkest places of my mind...

I have to write this out. Its become an obsession and an obstacle to my healing process. Its about one woman in power, we are both in a power struggle at work. I have the most support, that should be enough to get me by and just do my job. Its not though because she has taken her hatred of me to a new level.

This workplace bully has told legal and HR that I am bullying her. Imagine my surprise on Friday to find this out. It was quickly and easily proven wrong when I demanded that she immediately bring these supposed emails and meet me in legal to discuss the matter. The lawyer began the conversation and bullying turned into "well, I feel like you are documenting me". So, against company policy she falsely accused me of bullying her. She admitted it with her responses and did not bring any emails to the meeting.

I work closely with general counsel and have five years of history at this company and have never in my career been accused of bullying anyone. General counsel thinks she's afraid of me because I must be getting close to something she is doing. She's controlling the external audit, feeding information to them to get others in trouble all the while keeping them out of her area. She is CFO, I am the Audit Director. We are not teenagers this is not high school but it sure does feel like it.

I was so enraged at her latest tactic. She can't get me on my work because I do my job, get along well with everyone and she can't stand it. She has one ally maybe two. She is part of the reason I was on disability and I may get to that place again because of her.

A huge part of me wanted to reach over and just slap the shit out of her as she lied that I am documenting her. I've reached out to her several times because we need each other at work to be successful and for the good of our company. And then she pulls this. The external audit was put on hold until my boss could return and this makes me nervous because the external firm wants to talk to the audit committee and believe me, they are on her side and and not objective at all. Independence does not exist between her and this firm. She wants me out and is trying to use this firm to accomplish this.

It shouldn't work but who knows. My staff was reduced, I was left with unskilled staff, not much work got done. But the tide has turned. I got my positions back, one a higher level I can now achieve what I could not before. I'm excited but at the same time afraid to lose my opportunity to show the Board who I really am. I had to fire two bad employees first and the third resigned, this has taken time but I'm so close now to success. She knows it and is acting now.

This woman isn't afraid of me or anyone. its an act, a tactic and pretty desperate one at that. But its all she has I guess. My emais are an open book go look, there is nothing there. She should be fired for lying about me. But I'd have to file a complaint so I'll talk to legal to see if this is wise to do at all.

This woman has told everyone at the executive level I'm no good, I don't know what I'm doing etc. Lies...lies...and more lies. All against policy we're a government agency. All I can do is leave but why should I? I have struggled my whole life to achieve what I have despite my mental health conditions. Its been hard, very hard...scary sometimes.

I feel like she is trying to destroy me. So as my post title says...I have a dark side too. If she triggers that I just don't know what will happen. I went and worked out today at the gym, I'm taking my medications. Thank the lord for Xanax XR. What a life saver. I don't want to ruin my life over this one person. I have a son who is way more important than she is. I feel like she is taking money from him by trying to get rid of me. He has some special needs and this is a trigger, a big one.

The truth is I have no idea what my future is. She's higher than me and has political connections. I don't. So who will they choose? Not me. I am slowly watching everything it took me so long to achieve be chopped into pieces by an evil woman and no one at work is stopping her. If they would just intervene, do something...anything....then I would feel better.

I'm not the only one she is targeting, there is a list mostly at the executive level. Moral is at an all time low. Please if there is a God....stop her and do it fast.

April 12, 2012

I hope so because I'm about to be fired

Sagittarius Apr 12 2012
You may feel that you have reached an impasse with a difficult person. You are probably in a situation that requires you to work as a member of a team with this individual, but he or she is very hard to deal with. If you are about to give up, give it some more time instead. You have made some very convincing points, and you are getting closer than you think to an agreement. Don't put the pressure on, and don't become frustrated. Just wait patiently and the other party will come around.
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April 8, 2012

it's easter and I'm obsessing about my weight

I'm trying to get all set up and ready to go on weight watchers online and use the mobile app. I took my measurements because I can track these too and almost fell apart ready to quit. This is not the time to quit but I'm sinking deeper into depression. I know its all part of the process but this is very hard work for me.

I have other problems going on at the same time. My job situation, my other medical problems, lack of a medicine to calm my anxiety appropriately which has resulted in me smoking more and damn it, I had almost quit completely. I hate this last psychiatrist who would not work with me on properly dosing that medication. He's harmed me to protect himself like many doctors do. Its so hard to find a good one who can treat all conditions a person has even when some of them compete with each other. This is why I am going back to a guy I used to see but had to wait for hours to see him. So what...shouldn't have left. He'll get me stable at least I hope he will.

He knows me as a patient I was with him over a year I believe so trust between us should be there.

control...

Sagittarius Apr 8 2012
You may be feeling rather carefree these days, Sagittarius. You think of yourself as carefree in general, but others probably wouldn't agree with you. First of all, you have a powerful need to be in control. You are a planner and a take-charge kind of person. Many people see you as someone who likes to be a leader, and who gladly suffers the side effects of leadership. But today there really is a spring in your step and a sense of joyful abandon in your spirit. Keep this feeling alive so that you can call on it in the future whenever you need it.
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April 7, 2012

committed but frustrated

so I'm finally ready to enter the world of exercise. I renewed our Ymca membership, got ready just now and went and they just closed for the holiday.... bad luck charm again. now, I'm committed right? OK so I have a treadmill at home so use it. its the weights after that I was looking forward to.
unless I want to try mornings, the next time the Ymca is possible is Tuesday.
but I will not give up. on Friday, I walked with a friend for an hour it was very hard on me but he was willing to invest time in helping me get going so I need to stop rejecting his help.
its all mental for me I'm learning that has been holding me back. my body and its parts move just fine so what's the excuse?
it is hard to breathe, I get disoriented a little bit but I have to keep going, I just have to

April 6, 2012

I'm not ready yet...

Sagittarius Apr 6 2012
You may be avoiding a topic or a problem or a person that you imagine will cause you a big conflict or a lot of aggravation. But in avoiding this topic, problem, or person, you are going out of your way and missing out on other things that you might enjoy. Wouldn't it be wiser, Sagittarius, to just deal with what's bugging you and get it over with? Then you could move past it. The way things are now, you're just creating a whole new set of aggravations. A solution is so much easier than you're imagining.
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April 2, 2012

control... it better end tomorrow

I am still so mentally messed up from the last conversation with that narcissistic psychiatrist. not willing to help me function and that arrogant tone... of the bastard was in front of me I'd drop him in seconds.


my state of mind is so bad, I canceled my therapy session for the first time on years  tomorrow I have to see this arrogant bastard for my refills I don't want to see his smug face because one wrong word or more arrogance and he'll be sorry he fucked with me.

I should not have called him buti couldn't wait, I assumed he would help me but instead he rejected me and told me to take an over the counter medicine


he better have changed his mind when I get there tomorrow

what kind of session it ends up being is in his hands

I'm tired of doctors shutting my options down. my therapist even told my insurance that I'm not a good candidate for weight loss surgery.

so he's controlling me to. he had no right to get in my way of dealing with the amount of weight I need to lose


he was the biggest pusher of seroquel on me and now blocked an attempt for me to get the surgery paid for by insurance

the rage inside me right now is taking me to that dark place.


I will not tolerate being controlled by anyone and the next person who tries to is going down. I was doing better until that fucking psychiatrist wouldn't consider raising my night time dose off lorazepam or consider clonazepam. why doesn't anyone want to help me? ami that worthless? I'm not pm the right dose it's too low

I wonder if my therapist weighed in on this? probably did. he didn't like me being pm this medicine


okay boys bring it because I don't care anymore about what happens to me...it ends tomorrow one way or another