March 31, 2012

being controlled by psychiatry

its time for an expose of how its virtually impossible to find someone who can, and is willing to treat all issues

I can't be the only patient that these doctors fuck around with who ha s more knowledge about me than me.

I called him this week because temazpam wasn't working floor the night time dose. all I asked him to consider going up to 2 mg at night and keep the small doses during the day.
he snapped at me saying I am not willing to do that lorazepam of addictive

I wanted so bad to say if i wanted it illegally you idiot I wouldn't call you.
his expert suggestion was melatonin for a night dose.

I wanted to fire him pm the spot but need my refills and then I'm off again in search of a good doctor that can deal with me a my complexity.

I'm convinced that finding a good pdoc in Texas will not happen.
I promise, I'll be dead soon because I can't take these Med changes or refusals to change one small dose

before I go will be a youtube video exposing all off these doctors their game playing and how I went from a decent size 10 to now a disgusting 18

just wait and see

March 24, 2012

desperate for one primary doctor

i'm not sure about anyon else but with my medica conditions,including menta health conditions, and trying to stay empoyed, I really ned a team captain or something. Here is my doctor list and I can't get to them all because of being on FMLA exhausting and that and unpaid time. I can get more time unpaid if I dislose under the American with Disabilities Act.

However, one major issue. Now by mental health business wll be formally documented and my CEO and Board will see it. So, picture X has a Diector over an important function, she reports to the Board nad CEO and oh by the way has bipolar, ADD, major depression, suicidal thoughts and urges at times. They will know what medicataions I take. Once I exercise my rights under ADA then they are entitled to have their doctors review me nd my records.

I'm not ashamed of my illnesses, I'm really not but the stigma is there.I'm developing another blog about this and may use my real nae on it I'm not sure. As a direcor, I keep an eye on my employees and their stress. I understand but can't tell them why. I overlook mistakes they make at times unles it big which is rare.

I want them healthy and often tell one of them to go home not stay so late. Like me, its his nature but health and well being must come first.

Now that you all know I take care of my employees here is what I can't get to for myself and wish one doctor could be in charge and help me make a case for more unpaid time to take care of the following.

1. New hemtologit
2. New pulmonary docto
3. Dentist need a crown and his occurs in multiple visits
4. I need more medical teting due to the embolism and blood clot history. Mean more CT cans and MRI's
5. Lets be honest I need do to another IOP and be engaged in the process and heal maybe even find out what i behind my binge eating.

I need to do genetic testing. Tested positive for lupus anticoagulant which makes me nervous and some A289C enzymye.

I already leave early for psychiatrist appoinments my therapists fit my schedule. I see a Neurologist but not too often and now have a very good family doctor but I'm not sure he could be a point person to help me identify any and all medical problems that could be causing blook clots and embolisims. I already colapased at work time i might not makei irr

I'm scared of living or dying that may not make sense. If this 220 pounds I weigh may be slightly less now due to weight watcher sicks around becaue its the medications and can't be heldped then its ECT or suicide. My aunt may years ago had what they called shock teatments she was never the same. I know its much improved today and I don't judge anyone for making their own informed choice. I say god bless you for working hard on yourself. I'm terrifed that Ill forge how to do my job or something like that

I already leave work once per week for INR coumadin and thank god I have my therapy and new psychiarist. But I'exhausted all time off because of my FMLA leave and unpaid day

I get docked if I call out which was so rare before mmental health issues and I work a lot of overtime. I refuse to ask for specia permission to work from home if Ic call out. Thats not fair to others without my issues.

So, I am waiting impatiently for July 1 to come around where all my time off hours come back! If I live that long . If another embolisum comes my fiest then its iights out.

March 22, 2012

sad, lonely, depressed

thats alli can say today. but there are ways to make oneself better even if it is wrong or might get me killed. there are ways

March 20, 2012

not a good person

today is a hard day for me. some days, I can almost see the light, other days, I'm back to old habits, trouble, don't treat people well. I don't seem to learn from past mistakes either..
I'm suffering inside, totally suffering. I've taken it out on my body and others.
I'm no good really, no good

body image

I wonder how much longer I can go on looking the way I do. my God I put on 40 pounds since last May.
I'm going to try with my personal trainer tonight but my husband scheduled someone to come to our house at 700 so it will be short and sweet tonight.
my back still hurts I'm not even sure I can do anything yet.
I did plan my lunches this week but honestly, those feelings are back about wanting to quit life.
its going to take a miracle to get 70 total pounds off of me long term.
that fucking seroquel needs a ban on it. I now have a thyroid problem too that isn't regulated yet.
I'm sure my therapist is sick and tired of hearing me go off about my body but I can't help it.
eat right and exercise is what I keep hearing. if it were only that simple for me.
accept myself the way I am now? never.
I'm also upset about my visit home sick and tired of fighting with my dad, his constant invalidating comments, no friends, a job I don't feel up to performing.... the list goes on.
I hate myself today

good advice today

I have a meeting with my boss so this is good advice today

Sagittarius Mar 20 2012
Don't show your hand today, Sagittarius. You are involved in a power struggle with someone who has a really good poker face. You may not be able to tell what this person has up his/her sleeve, so you will have to remain cautious when it comes to revealing any of your own secrets. If you play the game right, you will walk away a winner. You happen to be an expressive person, though, so this may be hard for you to pull off. Keep your eye on your goal, and keep reminding yourself that you need to be stealthy if you want to win.
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March 19, 2012

having a crappy day... I'll try

Sagittarius Mar 19 2012
Watch your temper today, Sagittarius - even if someone does something so outrageous it deserves an angry reaction. The more calm you remain and the more you keep your wits about you, the better chance you will have of getting through to someone who has wronged you or someone you love. In addition, if you remain cool and collected, you will impress someone else in your midst - either a child or someone who looks up to you in a childlike way - and imparting that kind of value lesson is priceless.
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March 16, 2012

I'll try...

Sagittarius Mar 16 2012
Someone you know has made a choice that you may not approve of. You have a very strong and outspoken personality, Sagittarius, and it's hard for you to not say what you're thinking. That's why some astrologers would describe you as being "tactless" at times. Actually, though, you aren't really so much tactless as you are forthright. But there is a time and a place for complete honesty and criticism, and this is not it. Allow your friend or loved one to discover for him/herself why the choice does or does not work, and stay out of it. Your acceptance will be appreciated.
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March 15, 2012

I'm about to leave in a blaze of glory

I hope by writing on my blog that I calm down. my dad and I are at a fever pitch right now.
if he invalidated in the past then what he's doing now is triple that.
just now we were in a stand off eye to eye and somehow I walked away.
I want to leave here tonight but my back is in such pain, I can't pack up and go like I did a few years ago.
I'm short of breath and I feel a panic attack coming on.
this is the dad I remember, the abusive one. well sorry dad, I have my own mind and its separate from yours.
I'm having dinner with my cousin and my dads crazy sister who doesn't believe in medicine or doctors when my back is as bad as it us now.
my cousin is coming to pick me up and my dad started yelling at me for putting him out. um, no he offered.
he expects me to drive on pain medication and with my back as bad as it is?
thats just the tip of the iceberg, he's been bitching all week art me.
there is some other reason who knows what it is.
I'm going to explode. and everyone around here wonders why I'm suicidal.
I can only hope for the end to come

of course I did it again

Sagittarius Mar 15 2012
You may have come to romanticize how a certain upcoming event will unfold. In the past you had a similar experience, and it didn't turn out as you planned. Have you done it again? Have you planned the whole thing out in your mind? If so, you may be setting yourself up for a disappointment. If something doesn't happen as you hope it will, that doesn't mean it isn't successful - unless you don't enjoy the moment. In the past, you may have done just that. But an upcoming event will offer you the opportunity to truly embrace the beauty of an experience. Don't cloud it up with preconceived expectations. Just treasure it as it happens.
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still in pain

I'm flying back home tomorrow and I can barely move. I'll have to get a wheel chair and I have my seven year old as well.
there is no way I can bend over and take our shoes off.
my dad is barely talking to me because I want to resign from my job due to health issues.
I have caused some financial problems for us and I'm trying to wait until its paid off.
if I can go back on disability and get healthy that would be best.
I was forced back to work too early and I collapsed a week later with an embolism.
if I ever hope to continue to work in the future, I need to properly heal both mentally and physically.
I used to be able to talk to my dad but not anymore. he shut me down do many times yesterday.
he doesn't want to hear about my problems anymore.
he actually said wait right here and grabbed a picture of me from when I married my second husband and said"where did this girl go" I was about 145 lbs and now I'm 217.
I know he was referring to my weight mostly but he then said that I used to be his strongest child and now.... then he didn't finish his sentence.
I can't wait to leave here I'm never moving back.

March 13, 2012

serious pain

I can't sleep I injured my sciatica on the left side I'm in excruciating pain and its 300 am.
I haven't been able to stay asleep since I got here. my new medicine helps but not with sleep and now I'm eating during the night because I wake up. could be the saphris damn it.
all of these fucking drugs cause weight gain in me, I just want to die and now that I injured myself I can't sleep or go for walks.
I am pissed off!
no sleep will set off my bipolar and then I'll really be pissed.

March 12, 2012

what made me go there

did I think I was going to be validated by my dad regarding my mental health? major rejection this morning about my conditions and how bipolar, add, and temporal lobe epilepsy are real.
he asked me if I am expecting him to change, he is proud to be so ignorant. he doesn't know me at all.
I was doing better until this conversation.
it started because I learned his sister my godmother is under a severe depression from my cousin and his wife. I told my cousin about my conditions and he said maybe I should talk to her because if he suggests depression she'll go through the roof.
what is it with my dad and his brothers and sisters? they are all alike afraid of the truth. its a sign of weakness in their minds and me and another cousin of mine are suffering because our parents refuse the truth and belittle us, invalidate us.
at the heart of me being borderline are two main issues rejection and abandonment.
I couldn't feel more rejected than I do now.
my dad is mad that we medicate our son for his add. well too bad.
he's on 5 mg of focalin and almost immediately his reading improved and he's in advanced reading now and he's in first grade.
I wasn't so lucky. held back in kindergarten I remember the teachers telling him I had fine motor skill issues and was developmentally not ready for first grade.
his response? there is nothing wrong with her.
so I suffered all through school, and college, and went from job to job always under my potential.
then finally diagnosed in my thirties for bipolar 2 and add. the epilepsy came later. my seizures are zoning out/ staring for 5-30 seconds.
my dad demanded my test results and now wants his own second opinion.
so the 30 minute eeg and then a 72 hour eeg I did at home isn't proof enough.
gladly, I handed him the documents and said go ahead knock yourself out.
he's going to look stupid and I bet he will keep going to doctors until he finds one who agrees with him.
he hates to be wrong.
I can feel myself slipping into suicidal thoughts again. its just that easy.

closer to my goal

Sagittarius Mar 12 2012
You are so close to a goal you can almost see it materializing in your hands, Sagittarius. But you're not there yet. Before you get too confident and you say or do something that could jeopardize all of your efforts, hold back. Think about what you still have to do. Think about all the work you've done to get where you are. That's not to say that you should think negatively, just be realistic. Don't start taking unnecessary risks. The stars say that you will find success if you are cautiously optimistic.
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March 11, 2012

feel at home

I feel at home right now. so far so good. saw my brother and his wife last night had a good time. today I'll see their new home it's ready they move in soon.
my cousin Bobby will be there too. they all want me to move back here. I'm not sure about it though. I tend to over romanticize situations act impulsively and get up and go without much thought.
its called running away and I'm famous for it. these are the times I need to ask myself what am I running from? who is involved? what am I not facing? fear is usually involved too. what am I afraid of? and why? I usually end up at the new place or familiar place and after the honeymoon wears off, I'm still depressed and usually hurting worse because I will then realize what I ran from and who. there is always a person involved. then I obsess daily about the person and stay stuck in the past again.
I need to try and process all of this before making any hasty decisions. thats a new concept for me.

March 10, 2012

jealousy or envy

I'm not sure what the difference is or which one is worse. I just know that at times I am jealous of some of the time.
I used to be jealous of career successes until three years ago when I achieved my own promotion at work. then the feeling went away. now I'm jealous of those who are not in charge of department watch what you ask for or wish for!
I'm jealous if anyone that can keep close friendships. I guess being borderline hurts me in this category.
I've pretty much lost all of my friends and acquaintances. I also haven't tried at new friendships. I'm not sure its worth it. the investment and then disappointment once they are gone. the problem is me. I get fed up with someone pretty quickly. or they get fed up with me.
I'm jealous of anyone in a loving relationship. I can still be happy for those of you who have someone.
my husband and I are friends more than lovers and I'm sad and lonely most of the time. I isolate myself and watch my direct TV shows to fill the space. I get lost in my soaps for example but know those relationships are just TV.
I could try and change my situation if I want to hurt my son. he is who keeps me in this marriage. it would tear him apart to choose between my husband and me. so I wonder how long can I live this way? I don't know is the only answer right now.
so I dwell on past relationships that were more loving and I get more depressed and more depressed.
what to do?
I'm not sure anyone else but my husband would put up with me. I wonder if we can ever find our way back to each other... I don't know that either.
more later while I wait for my late flight home.

throw a problem out with the trash

Sagittarius Mar 10 2012
You have a problem you haven't been able to figure out or conquer. You're probably in a state of frustration over this. But the real problem is most likely the way you think about the issue. You've become caught up in the idea that your problem is impossible to fix. Try this visualization technique: Create an image of your problem in your mind. Even if it's intangible, choose some image to represent it. Then lug your problem down to the curb. Go back inside the house, and picture the garbage truck coming along and collecting your problem. How do you feel now that it's gone? Visualization can help you to better identify and deal with whatever is bugging you.
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going home

hope to have a good week. I never can tell how things will go with my dad and me. the arguments start usually the next day.
he'll say where am I going, who with, gets in my business too much.
we'll see

March 9, 2012

I will know the truth soon

if you want answers go to the source I say... I can't help that I just need to see for myself that what I've been told is true. its all part of how I know whether or not I can trust someone.
I've invested so much of myself, told so much of myself that I need to know if I've been a fool.
trust is something I don't just give away and so much happened at the iop over the summer, I have questions that need answers.
question is what will I do if I get some answers that end up hurting me more?

I'm powerful... sure

Sagittarius Mar 9 2012
Something unfair happened to you recently, Sagittarius. There is no doubt that you weren't treated properly, or you didn't get what you earned. But don't allow yourself to feel like a victim. A victim is powerless to change anything, and you are anything but powerless. Before you give in to feelings of disillusion or worse - apathy - rev up your spirit. You are strong, motivated, and most of all - you are powerful. You can correct what went wrong if you keep your wits about you.
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March 8, 2012

daily scope

Thursday, March 8, 2012 Today's concentrating Virgo Full Moon squares your expansive sign, adding stress to an already tricky situation. There isn't much that you can do now to bridge the gulf between the practical details and your broad scope of thinking. Thankfully, the simple act of consciously paying attention to your feelings as they occur can help you navigate through the turmoil. But don't try to force dramatic change; it's enough to just acknowledge your needs to someone you trust.

still sick

I have way too many health issues to continue working. both physical and mental I don't know why I'm keeping myself at this job. doctors can't get my coumadin level right I could barely get out of bed this morning. I'm on new medications for the bipolar. saphris and Prozac. I'm familiar with Prozac but saphris is new and is supposed to be the new and improved seroquel. I hope so because i decompensate more each time we mess with medications.
somehow I'm supposed to work out after work. I don't see that happening..

March 7, 2012

I can only imagine what is said about me by others, nothing good regardless of my horoscope today.

Saggitarius Mar 7 2012
If you were invisible, you could listen in on conversations your friends, employers, and loved ones have about you. Then you would know how they really feel, wouldn't you? Actually, you might not know anyway, even if you have free access to hearing what they have to say. You may have overheard something someone said about you, and you think it was negative. But sometimes people say things just to hear themselves out. Sometimes their opinions change. And sometimes they say things in self defense. Don't worry about what you heard. You are respected and admired, and that will soon become very obvious.
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March 6, 2012

antipsychotics and weight gain

please lord is there one of these drugs that doesn't cause weight gain? why can't drug companies get this right? don't they understand that even though they help mentally in some if us they increase suicidal thoughts because of what they do to our body? tomorrow I plan to tell my psychiatrist no more antipsychotics because of this. I'll suffer in other ways I guess but seroquel may work but now I have a thyroid problem, weigh 214, and had a pulmonary embolism. if there is a lawsuit someday on seroquel I'll be joining it happily for the destruction of my body.


I work everyday with a master manipulator. she is so good at manipulating that others cannot see it coming. I didn't at first either.
I really have to force myself not to go after her with everything on me
I have enough problems of my own it just enrages me to even see her face. I try to avoid her because one day I won't be able to stop myself.
my therapist frequently says I'm looking for a fight and enjoy doing it.
he's right, I am looking for a fight and for some reason need a fight. its been building up for awhile now..
question is can I control myself when that time comes

March 5, 2012

trying to calm down

I said things on therapy I didn't mean at all. I love my son. he's not in the way. he's part of me and my love for him prevents me from killing myself. sure, at times I wish I could just do it but most times, I stop and think of my baby who is not a baby anymore. he's seven years old now and is attached to me. in fact, he wanted to sleep in my bed tonight put of the blue.
he knows when I'm sad, he steps right in and his huge brown eyes and smile greet me every night.
he takes pain away that simply but sometimes my depression is too great like it is tonight.
I'm watching him sleep and he looks so peaceful, i truly love him and hope he is enough to keep me around. he needs me, I just need my medications adjusted so I can enjoy him again like we used to have fun.
the road to recovery is very hard right now.

fattest day yet

okay being over weight has gone to a new level. my midsection really feels like am carrying a 20 lb. tumor or something. I can't breathe and I refuse to live this way.
this is not normal weight gain when I press on it, out feels hard.... something is wrong, doctors can't find out why, no surgery for me.
I need to find a surgeon to cut out my entire midsection.
I want to die, I can't live like this anymore. people at work are staring at me, its do obvious.
I have therapy tonight but think I'll skip it. I'm in no mood.

March 3, 2012

wasted day

I've been in bed all day. depression still looming wondering if ect is the only way out
I'm holding on to the hope that there is a antidepressant out there for me.
I want to give up the antipsychotics completely but don't know if my doctors will agree

March 1, 2012

going home to sleep

I'm going to have to go back to seroquel until I see my psychiatrist. I am just starting to lose some weight being off of it but my depression is so severe I have no choice but to take a sizable dose and sleep from now until tomorrow I can't stop obsessing, crying, and wanting to die.
so this is my last message for now. I'm in such emotional pain it has to stop now.
I almost sent a text to my therapist saying Italy and that is false.
I'm just hurting over my perception of last nights session. I keep heating him say rely on him less and less and I'm feeling abandoned. I said I wasn't ready to address abandonment I'm not stable but he fit it in anyway
so good night everyone more later

worst depression day yet

I woke up very early crying just out of the blue and I couldn't stop.
I can't believe I told my therapist about my attempts last weekend.
on top of this he brings up something about I should be needing him less and less.
part of me wanted to walk out never to return. but I didn't.
he continues to hit the abandonment button when I am already suffering.
I doing even know how it is I am needing him too much now. is it common when a patient odd suicidal to push on the most triggering part off me?
there is no compassion that I could detect but maybe he's numb to my talking about suicide so much.
I had better stop before another hospital trip is in my future.
he looked a little mad at the end when he abruptly said, I've gotta go see you next time.
I just went numb after that. no compassion for a person that not long ago had a pulmonary embolism, is horrified about these incomplete personalities, I'm not medically stable which is partly my fault because of last weekend.
my depression has tripled I'm afraid to go to tomorrows session.
I can't talk about any of this because he gets upset. then I freak out more
I would love to be able to say I'm good and plan for termination but I'm not.
I have two options stay and take what comes or move on which will be hardest on me to just quit but I'm pretty bad off now so maybe it wouldn't be. I've stopped seroquel so there is no medication in me right now to address this. I don't know what to do.
I'm panicked, scared, and feel so deeply depressed I am capable of anything right now.
I feel lost in a dark alley with no flashlight

can't sleep

I'm still hurting over my therapists reaction to the news that I tried to die.
I guess he meant what he said a few weeks ago. he doesn't care if I leave and don't come back he may get boss wish granted.
how can we ever repair this relationship now