February 29, 2012

I talk too much....

I had my session tonight and made a bad move. I said too much as usual and then expect my therapist to do nothing about it. I'm sitting in my room wishing I hadn't said I tried to overdose a few times. But I'm at my wits end and need to go to a place that can fix me. Going from psychiatrist to psychiatrist has eft me worse off. I have too many conditions but they all need treatment not just one or two.

My doctors need to work together but I guess they don't do that. I am referring to my neurologist, primary care doctor, psychiatrist and therapist. My therapist is just about the only one willing to work with all of them. But he can't do it alone.
This is I hate the most about psychiatry. They need to get over themselves. I see a psychologist and have for many years, if not for him I would have been dead way before now. I find psychiatry to be arrogant and elitest. They have all the answers yet I'm not any better. Finding out I have these incomplete personalities has thrown me over the edge so yes, I tried to overdose a few times. How in the world am I going to solve that problem???? I don't even know how many I have and who they are, I know about some of them but not all.

I know that people in my life tell me I say and do things to them that I don't have any memory of doing or saying. This scares me. I have a child damn it and I need to go and get fixed somewhere even if it is for a few weeks so he has a mother again. Someone tellme how to tackle this list of problems:

1. Bipolar II
2. ADD inattentive type
3. Major Depression
4. Temporal Lobe Epilepsy
5. Borderline trais
6. Eating Disorder
7. Dissociative "incomplete personalities"

and hold a high level job, be a mom, be a wife, try and find friends which I don't have. My family doesn't believe a word of any of this. I will never tell them about no. 7 My doctors are talking about ECT because medications are not working. Before I cosider that I want to go somewhere that can handle complex cases and see what happens.

Back to my therapy. So I tell him what I tried to do, he didn't say too much and then as soon as the clock hit the final minute it was okay see ya next time. That is when I felt stupid telling him. Why do I talk so much?

I'm tired of being hurt in this therapy process, I really am. Whether these are techniques or him just being cold about the situation I'll never know. I need to stay with safe discussions only. I cannot function even more when things go left in therapy. He's all I have right now.

I don't know what to do now. I make it worse when I tell him not to tell my psychiatrists certain things. He probably does anyway because he has to. When I figure it out I change psychiatrists again. They don't want to listen to me yet they have the prescribing power so I have to find one that is good and won't judge me or treat me badly if they hear some of this stuff.

I hated the way our session ended tonight becaue now I feel even worse again. Mostly my fault. This is why I want out of this life.
I wasnt meant to be here I just know it. I do so many self destructive things which are all attempts to deal with the pain that is constantly in me....this shit never subsides for me. Never.

There is a part of me that want to quit everything....therapy....psychiatry....and life. Who is that part and how the hell was he created. He needs to go and this is where the overdose tries come into play. I want him OUT, GONE, DEAD

perceptions

Sagittarius Feb 29 2012
Someone you think highly of is blowing something out of proportion. This may be out of character for your friend or loved one, but it could be causing a rift between the two of you now. You have probably tried to explain why this person's perspective is incorrect, but you aren't able to get through to him or her. Could it be that this once-rational person has suddenly become irrational? Could it be that something else is going on in this person's life that is causing the discord? It could be. But it could also be that YOU need to take a fresh look - your own perception of the situation may be wrong.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile

February 28, 2012

going to bed so I won't eat

its the only way sedate myself away from food even if I have to die trying.
all my options cut off I'm backed in a corner no other choice. will those who denied me other options be sorry if this turns out badly?
I doubt it... will my dad who refuses to listen to me anymore be remorseful? doubt it. no one can save me but me, I'm worn out.
this body of mine odd evil and must be destroyed along with all parts of me.
my turn now

crying in class

I may need to leave early and go home. people can see me crying and are asking questions.
how embarrassing.
I'm so fragile right now for some reason I hate that about me

fact from fiction

I'm not sure of my post last night. I always overreact when the abandonment button is pushed.
I cried all the way home like a child not an adult at all.
six years and I'm afraid of these feelings actually terrified more later. OK, I'm back. why do I always assume it's over with my therapist? I'm not going to bring it up, I'll just have to deal with what he says, cry it out and file it away. this is very familiar to me it's what I grew up doing. I was not entitled to any negative feelings. no crying, no questioning my parents on anything it only caused more problems for me. what were the consequences? i isolated myself, dated the wrong guy for years, eventually turned to drugs and hung around the wrong people, I would over eat, etc. I was to blame for everything especially my reactions to their faults. this is still true today no one like my reactions why is the other person never to blame

February 27, 2012

well its almost over

my therapy that is. he said I need to rely on him less as a therapist. in translation it means I'm being a burden.
I will then try and find someone else if I go to a hospital. I finally told him how wonderful he's been and what I got back hit the abandonment button hard. I can't go to my conferences now. I'll be in bed all day where I belong.
I don't think anyone will notice. if I'm alive after tomorrow then I'll cancel the Friday appointments.
I'm not going to be humiliated anymore. I'm pushing myself on him.
I bet he's enjoying his night but I'm not.
no more therapists after this. I opened up to him and he slapped me down.
I have enough seroquel to end this all maybe tomorrow I'll do it and he can explain to my son why I'm gone

I'm about to explode

I'm enraged right now over my meeting being commingled with other topics the Cfo wants on her plate. I have ten minutes to summarize a 30 page report. my scope below is right on the mark


Sagittarius Monday, February 27, 2012 You might grow discouraged today if political pressure on the job prevents you from doing what you think is most important. It's particularly demoralizing if you are anticipating success, only to discover that you have additional tasks to complete before calling it quits. However, it's not wise to let any setbacks bother you now. Maintain a positive attitude so you can meet any problems head-on. Don't give up; you're closer to your goals than you think.

major stress

I am supposed to be in a class for this all week conference but need to leave in a few hours to prepare for a mandatory meeting.
I hate this job sometimes and I'm worried about this meeting.
i apparently went to sleep at 400 and didn't wake until 500 am.
I was hoping to not wake up art all.
wearing this skirt that doesn't fit is also throwing me over the edge.
I want of all antipsychotics

February 26, 2012

its not easy to die is it

My brain won't shut off, I am nervous about a meeting tomorrow and really don't care to go to the meeting.
Once I'm fully staffed if I can make it that long, I should find a program to help me because I'm suffering and
no one seems to care much except my therapist.

I want to fight my enemy at work;
I want to have just an average sized body
I do not want to keep changing doctors
I need a muscle relaxer for my lower back again
I just want to sleep right now until tomorrow morning and I have
the drugs that will do just that.

I have to register for a conference tomorrow then run back to work and get reading for a heated meeting.
I hate my life
I don't need any friends they just disappoint me anyway. I don't sleep anymore since stopping seroquel. looks like
I better take a bunch and let whatever happens...happen.

I'm in a rotten mood and wish I were dead.

I want to quit my job tomorrow

but will I do it. my husband wants me on disability but my therapist wants backing by a psychiatrist first.
I just found the gut and went once.
then there is paperwork that needs to go to the leave department.

I'm not up for Mondays meeting the cfo has ruined my audit findings I might just knock her on her ass before the meeting. I'm not fit to be around people when I'm angry.

maybe I'll check in somewhere, I can't take it anymore

massage... wow

yesterday was quite interesting and lets just say, I feel somewhat sexy again. even if it's a time limited feeling at least yesterday I felt alive

February 25, 2012

actions and consequences

Sagittarius Horoscope for February 25, 2012
A person you know very well has been hiding things and playing childish games, and their foolishness is going to be exposed for all the world to see today. You'll be the lucky one who gets a ringside seat when the bell goes off and they are forced to explain themselves. Even though you may feel bad for them, do not try to defend them. Stay out of the situation and let them handle it alone. They have to learn that their actions have consequences.

unwanted and unloveable

what a painful thing to face but its true. eventually everyone wants me to go away. I'm in my room in bed struggling to survive this.

many people know I'm having a hard time but they don't call or come see me. my family thinks my diagnoses are wrong. they don't know the worst of it.

I could never have a parts discussion with anyone. I tried with my therapist but there is one part of me he doesn't accept I'm not supposed to give a voice to. I'm not supposed to question him anymore. the schedule has triggered me.
he wants me to move on.
what therapist says in the heat of the moment that i can leave if I want to and he doesn't care if I do.
I am having a hard time medically, at work, in marriage, and my therapist says I can move on.
I may quit but there won't be another therapist. I'm not interested in starting all over again.

February 24, 2012

hospital bound or dead

I'll have to do my own work on myself by going into yet another hospital
my therapist can't help me so its up to me now.
I don't need any doctors anymore I'll take care of myself just like I did
growing up. I took care if everyone and I care too much about a friendship that will never
happen. I'm to messed up and he's over it.
tonight I'm going to load up on seroquel and maybe if I wake up ill go to the
hospital and he won't need to bother.
everything is my fault, I'm bad, unbearable.
there is no one to help me now or back then. I'm dying inside and no one cares.
so to hell with all of them do without me. I never mattered anyway. tonight was the last time
I plan to hear about mistakes others make are my fault its always my reaction well I say

fuck everyone since I an such a problem then away I will go. my therapist said again to go seek another
opinion he's done right? not according to him how confusing it ends this weekend.

with no phone call to anyone none of them care

February 23, 2012

balance a word to live by

I need to balance work stress with seeing realistic goals for what I can accomplish and know my limits.
I'm a workaholic another addiction problem along with food and my overall body image. somehow balance that against being a wife and mother.
then balance that with all my mental health issues. I often ask myself how am I still alive after everything I've been through and continue to go through?
I have no idea, I feel worthless, helpless, and broken most of the time.
I isolate way too much and miss out on having fun with my son or taking care of myself.
I feel steps away from being hospitalized but still manage this job from hell. actually every job has been from hell most of my life. at least my bosses leave me alone pretty much.
I hope I can open up more tomorrow in session last night was a disaster, I just couldn't talk. I don't know why but I felt angry about everything going on with me.
I'm off to the spa right now maybe will help who knows.

wait for better visibility

Sagittarius Thursday, February 23, 2012 It's difficult to stick to your current agenda today because it's apparent that circumstances are unfolding differently than you expected. But you're hardpressed to come up with a new plan if you cannot see where you're heading. There's a shift coming in the next few days, so give yourself time before deciding what to do. Instead of pushing ahead while the future is still foggy, wait for better visibility before making your move.

Couple's Love

Look to an old friend in a stable relationship for advice and guidance. They can offer you stories of their own life experiences that you can apply to your own relationship.

Flirt

When that one friend of yours comes calling, step up and take care of their needs or at least those needs that you can take care of easily. Don't worry about their deep-seated angst, for example!

Finance - Money

Are you the arrow or the target or is this a metaphor you can no longer use? It might be time to consider your situation in different terms altogether, Sag. What is your root motivation?

Career - Work

The mystical merges with the actual to create a strong vision of where you could be in an ideal situation. You're able to view the future and open up options for the present like a true professional.

February 22, 2012

how true this one is

Sagittarius Feb 22 2012
You may believe that you need to appear forceful and aggressive so that someone will think you are strong. That's why you may be pushing an issue now that actually requires a much lighter touch. You are an assertive sign, Sagittarius. Not too many people have been successful at pushing you around. You're no doormat. But at the same time, not everyone responds so well to that kind of approach. You are dealing with a person now who will be much more amenable to a softer touch. Tap into your more sensitive side, and your ideas will be well received.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
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I feel so much pain

but I couldn't talk about it in session tonight. I couldn't find my voice and I wasted my time and my therapists time.
I wanted to talk about how scared I feel about whether or not I'll survive much longer and my fear turned to anger instead. again I failed.
I need to go back into a hospital for a complete medication over haul. the problem is I despise mental health hospitals.
I can't have all these medication changes and have a roommate, plus go to group therapy which I no longer trust thanks to the program I was in over the summer. I don't want to discuss my former addiction, air all the abuse I suffered my whole life..
I just want my medication fixed my therapist is the only one I trust with everything else. but that isn't how it works so I'm screwed. I can't work like this now and most likely I'll lose my job that pays good money.
I'm dying inside a little more each day.
I'm grateful for my blog where I can feel safe to say how I'm feeling. I feel safe with my therapist but certain parts of me don't and I can't control them. I'm sad and alone in my mind because I shut everyone out who tries to help me.
Aunt Helen please help me to find out who I am because I don't know.
I only recently realized I have certain parts and they get on the way of my healing. my therapist says think of them as aspects of me but that is hard because I feel like they are separate of me and I want them to go away. I don't even know how many I have and how they help or hurt me. I think my therapist knows but he says he can't just tell me. I guess I have to do this alone and I'm lost and confused. I feel like shattered glass. my appointments are fixed I think. this episode has really triggered me badly.
who was in the room tonight? I have no idea.
the pain I feel is intense and I couldn't talk about it so now I feel worse much worse. how will I ever be fixed now that I know there are parts of me saying and doing things on auto pilot.
I'm in hell and I can't get out. I also can't sleep lord help me tomorrow and everyone around me. my work stress is at a high peak and I keep walking out except today

February 21, 2012

angry beyond words

I left work today to try and fight a ticket in another city and decided to come home instead of going back to work.
I hate out there and I'm unstable right now. but out gets worse. my therapists office messed up two of my appointments this week and now I had to cancel a session for Friday because they won't honor the time they said I had. this is actually the fourth time since November this has happened. instead of telling the other patient there was a mistake I'm expected too move my schedule around. well I couldn't do it so I had to cancel Friday.
these aren't mistakes not at this point. there is many of them. I can't rely on my therapy anymore. I am close to a breakdown and made it worse.
I'm the one that always had to accommodate others growing up my needs were pushed aside for others and this is now playing out in my therapy.
maybe I'll just quit since I am this disposable.
them I'll quit my job and finish myself off permanently. who cares right, it's just me after all

February 20, 2012

crisis plan

1- call therapist
2- if he doesn't answer go to emergency room
3- if they blow me off then overdose
fuck it then.

daily scope

Monday, February 20, 2012 (Scorpio - Third Decanate) A tense day

sleep cycle is off

well, I took to many pills yesterday afternoon and slept most if the afternoon and night and have been up since 430. part of me was hoping I wouldn't wake up if I'm being honest.
I was so depressed yesterday and full of guilt and shame. my trainer wanted to hook me up with one of his friends but I'm still too heavy to feel even remotely pretty or sexy.
I'm afraid once they see me they will be disappointed.
I can't take any more rejection of a body I can't get out of.
I hate my body even though my trainer said I'm sexy I don't believe him. I need to lose 50 lbs and am struggling.
this is my second day off seroquel and I'm not hungry which is good. in time, I'm going off latuda as well.
I'm miserable in my marriage even though we had sex I don't feel any closer to him.
my son would be devastated if we left him. my husband said he's not letting me take our son anyway.
I just know he'll use my mental health issues against me so, I'm trapped.
I have no friends, at all. the last one I had turned out to be a bad experience for me. I give up on trying to find a friend don't need the hassle.
what a life I'm living. useless

February 19, 2012

breakfast with my son

our Sunday ritual is I take him to breakfast just the two of us. I'm trying to pull myself out of this depressive cycle. I'm having a hard time still but I'm trying.

I can't sleep

coming off seroquel has a down side I am awake. I took a geodon but its the same as latuda it wakes me up a few times a night. not good because my hypomania could return.
on another front a friend of mine is trying to hook me up with a couple of guys to play with. interesting but I really want to pursue a girl this time.
I know I'm married but my husband didn't say no when I told him about my interest.
this guy is a good friend and my personal trainer so I trust him.
I wonder about whether another part of me is out or its this the real me?

February 18, 2012

need to go somewhere and get better

I don't want a mental hospital again. I want a treatment center that is residential and just go away for a few weeks. I can't do any of this without being on disability again. I have a new psychiatrist and don't know him well enough to first tell him why and second to solicit his help. The SI feelings are back again, I'm started to slide down into deep depression. Maybe its the realization of my parts issue, partly medication problems, marital problems, no friends, family is out of reach and they don't understand anything I'm going through.

I'm asking myself "will I make it" or will I do the unthinkable". I've convinced myself my son wouldn't be hurt. That isn't true, he loves me. He's always hugging and kissing me and says "mommy I love you". He says it with such conviction and I feel like the best mom in the world. But what I am is the luckiest mom to have him. He's so in tune to me at age 7 he knows that I'm different, I'm isolating myself (except for the massage I got today).

Being off Seroquel means waking up several times a night. The temazepam isn't working and Latuda isn't keeping me asleep. This is a nightmare. I can't go back to Seroquel I tell myself but I have some 300mg Seroquels I haven't thrown away. I need sleep but damn it all the weight its put on me I have to pull back and not take it. I can't keep waking up though what am I going to do? Maybe stop Latuda and then temazepam will work. I'm not sure I need these antipsychotics anyway. Its not like I'm feeling great taking them so tonight no Latuda. I'll see how it goes then? I told my husband I called the suicide hotline over a month ago. I forget what was going on at the time but all they said was "name five good things about yourself". It was like 2:00am and feeling suicidal and hearing those words just made me mad. Of course there are good things I could name but what is that going to do? I take medicines that are supposed to help me not feel suicidal.

I think I need an antidepressant again. Prozac is what I'm used to. I don't see the new guy until March 8th. I know I'm not supposed to take myself off anything without him knowing but we haven't been working together long so I don't feel comfortable calling him. It seems at night is when these feelings come up again. I'm not calling my therapist and worrying him, what can he do anyway except send me to a hospital. I wish I could call him but its not a good idea this is his time not mine. I don't have a crisis plan, I've read about them but he and I have never talked about having one. He doesn't want to hear from me tonight.

I feel guilty enough over how ineffective I am in therapy. I was supposed to walk for one hour this weekend but its raining. I have a treadmill but can't bring myself to do it. I'm too depressed as I sit here again in my lounge couch in my room talking to myself on this blog. The more I type the more desperate I feel. I better sign off for now.

feel guilty about my problems

I feel bad that my therapist and family have to hear my constant complaints about my body image, suicidal feelings, my addiction, my running out of my sessions, etc.

I have been hospitalized twice, switching psychiatrists constantly. I asked my therapist yesterday why he even wants to help me.

I have bipolar, add, major depression, borderline traits, and now possibly a dissociative disorder.

I'm every therapists nightmare. mine is an absolute Saint. he's been patient, kind, and helpful. the problem is me and my fears about the pain involved with getting better. its hard work dealing with me. I question his motives still after six years. that I feel most guilty about.

he's never hurt me on purpose even though a part of me thinks so.

like it or not, I need to identify all of my dissociated parts. I know of two maybe three.

Marc its younger around 7 years old probably tied to my neighbor molesting me.

Michael is a teenager and rageful, destructive, and by far the angriest part. he trusts no one, he's the fighter but nor for good only evil.

there is Lauren, she is young not sure of her age but odds tied to my Aunt Helen. she is a caretaker of others but also a very needy child.

there is a promiscuous part without a name or age right now. I'm not clear about this part yet. thats all I am aware of right now.

its hard for me to acknowledge these parts to my therapist because I feel ashamed of this and like a freak.

I know I am not supposed to blame myself but I do anyway.

its only now I am putting this together but I've always known that I am different than normal people.

I'm overwhelmed because of all my issues and how to fix any of them. I wonder of my body image odd tied to a part. the same with my addiction because addiction comes and goes but I went years between my drug use in my twenties to the diet pills in my forties.

thats why I don't identify with narcotics anonymous. because it comes and goes.

what symptoms go with each part? the real question is who am i?


finally it happened

I had sex last night with my husband after almost a year going without. I may get his permission to fulfill a fantasy of mine. he didn't say no but part of me wants to be with another woman. its been hard to locate someone because I don't want to go alone to a club so I think I can convince him. but I also have a friend on the swinger lifestyle.
who knows maybe I can table the suicidal feelings for awhile...
thank you to all my blog friends that have sent me encouraging comments. I may not always respond but I read them all and appreciate them.

February 17, 2012

drinking champagne

with some of my relaxers and maybe some sex is in my short future.... its a new day

I'm happy today!

I don't know why but I'm actually happy. my son got invited to a party at school because of his advanced reading score and I finished screening candidates for both my job postings and may actually be employing them soon if they interview well!
but I was happy before I knew any of that. will it last?

February 16, 2012

deeply distressed

my session didn't go well last night. I started this parts discussion and I've known for some time that I'm not normal.
I couldn't talk about it last night and ended up crying like a hurt child and feel ashamed and awful that I am on fact dissociative. the adult in me disappeared and I wanted my therapist to make this all go away but thats not going to happen.
many people who have this worse than me can see the positive and work through it but me? no, I ran out of the session and want to die. then there ate no more parts.

February 15, 2012

I'm almost ready to walk out

of this job. I just can't handle it anymore. I'm still not well

let go? challenging for me

Sagittarius Feb 15 2012
Even though you are very self-possessed, determined, and organized does not mean you have all the answers, Sagittarius. Yes, you are a very take-charge person with a gift for planning and for leadership, but it's okay to feel uncertain from time to time too. It makes you nervous when you don't have complete knowledge or a carefully constructed plan, but there are some circumstances under which it's best to let go of the wheel and allow life to point you in the right direction. If you are too demanding or controlling with a certain situation, you could miss out on a wonderful opportunity, so welcome a few surprises.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile

February 14, 2012

I feel sick

I have a headache, a bad one. my whole body hurts and I can't call out of work. I thought they could just dock me for the time I missed. what a shame that I work overtime but that doesn't count.
how am I going to make it to July first with no time off options. this is partly why I should still be on disability. thats not going to happen now. I have a new psychiatrist who barely knows me. my only option is top resign. doctors don't like the paperwork involved or being responsible for the outcome. resigning hurts my son, I pay for his speech therapy outside of the schools therapist.
so I'm trying to stay but no work is getting done. my eyes hurt, my back too. but this headache is terrible.
I just want to see my therapist and thats tomorrow what if I'm still feeling bad? I should not have come off disability but its weird how I was approved until end of December then ran out of unpaid time so I had to go back or file for an accommodation under Ada for more unpaid time. I don't want all my medical information known but then again I don't want to go back... I think I better sign off and take my cocktail of medications and go to sleep.
problem is I'll wake up tomorrow and go through this all again

what to do when parts of me take over

I feel like a total freak. I also feel lost and confused, in some dense fog that I can't see the light.
too many competing voices i guess. I wonder how many parts are there, can I be cured or are they with me forever.
I only know two by name not sure how many others there are. I'm scared because I'm a mom, I hold a decent job, I'm a bad wife. one minute I think I'm the real me but who am i.
this won't be cured and I should be on disability until I have a handle on this. I'm severely depressed today. not good. because of my job I couldn't see my therapist yesterday and I need him before tomorrow.
but can't bring myself to call and bother him with my nonsense.
I never know who I'll be from minute to minute and I'm afraid Marc will ruin my therapy. he trusts no one, he's unpredictable, violent, rages at people, he must go now.
I'm sitting in a parking lot contemplating going inpatient. its sunny out today and my head is in a dark place. I almost resigned today after how I was treated by my own bosses. I just want to go home slide into the bed and stay there or run away again.

February 13, 2012

todays scope

Sagittarius Monday, February 13, 2012 A well-meaning colleague may ask you what's wrong today because he or she thinks you're acting out of character. Although you might not express the warmth that people expect from you, it's just because you're occupied with important matters. You can tell that there's a narrow margin for error now and your disinterest in trivial pursuits stems from your acute desire to do everything correctly. Follow your instincts and you'll be back to your regular self tomorrow.

Single's Love

Pay attention to what your subconscious is trying to tell you today. Unusual tension and nervous jitters could be the result of bottling up your emotions when you should be confiding in a friend. Don't suffer quietly alone.

Couple's Love

Take a slow approach to romancing and create a mood that's sensual and relaxed. There's no need to rush you've got plenty of time to explore your love with your partner tonight.

Flirt

A power shift in an old relationship might throw you off balance, but only for a moment. Be honest with yourself about how you feel about this change. If necessary, you can bring it up with the other party.

Finance - Money

When you're in an off-mood, don't waste your time trying to figure out why just push on with whatever task is at hand. You can do all the navel-gazing your heart desires once the important deadlines are out of the way.

Career - Work

When forced to choose between sharing personal information and remaining aloof, you're the intrepid soul who will venture into friendship. It's part of your charm, and it will serve you well next week.

I need my therapist and can't see him today

its due to work again. now one of my tires went and I'm stuck at discount tire.
I am severely depressed and have to pull myself together for a very difficult board meeting tonight.
i just want to walk out and take a few days off and isolate somewhere and figure out what to do next.
I'm going to mess up tonight because my work was all throughout the binder which makes no fucking sense to me. I cannot prepare now. I tried to find a suit jacket but nothing fits me. I want to die, just disappear. I mean irs no joke

February 11, 2012

guess I'm in hell on Monday

at least I am at Starr pizza with my friend from work.... we're on our second glass. our kids get along well.


Sagittarius Feb 11 2012
It's wonderful to be in the spotlight. All of your fabulous qualities are highlighted. You can show off your best attributes and talents. You can get a lot of attention. And, as an attention-loving Sagittarius, you will shine. But being in the spotlight has a downside too. All of your flaws will be exposed. Any mistakes you made will be very obvious in the glaring light. And with all that attention, everyone will see it clearly if you screw up. You are probably experiencing fears and insecurities about an upcoming opportunity to shine. But you needn't. You're a star, and a star is best when shining.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
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February 10, 2012

this may be my last post

Everything came full cycle for me tonight. My loving, caring therapist took me for a long walk to get me going on walking some weight off. I love him for that. He's a special person who I have always thought highly of. I am referring to the real me whoever she is.

The parts discussion is hard, I just feel like a freak. 3 or 4 incomplete personalities. Makes sense now so much of what I go through does. How quickly I can change, on a dime. Marc, Lauren (I was afraid to tell him she's the child in me). Marc is most destructive and we have so much work to do to heal me. I'm just not sure I can be healed. I'm crying right now my son is at the movies and here I sit on my lounge couch in my bedroom. Wishing I was someone else. Someone normal and I fear that day may never come. I am reading a book called "got parts" and they talk about how these annoying incomplete personalities stay for life.

I can't wait that long. My body is destroyed, I am a terrible wife and I try so very hard to be momma to Alex. That boy loves me so much. I want to sacrific myself for him. Possibly move away or something more permanent. I don't know. I'm making a video to my son I hope he hears it. I hope one day my therapist can tell my son that I did try to correct myself for him. Everything is for him. Staying in a high stress yet high paying job for him, his speech therapy. He deserves so much better than me so much better.

I enjoyed being pregnant with him every day. I rubbed my tummy and talked to him all day long. He would move around and kick. He heard me. What a special child I have. He wants a brother or sister badly. I'm on too many medicines to try it but I want to do that for him. I need to get out of this job for at least a year to heal and possibly give him what he wants. Or, my husband will remarry better than he did this time around.

My husband is a good man, he does love me and adores our son. My husband deserves better than me too. I'm sure he's questioning marrying me with what he once said as "you have all these mental health issues I knew nothihg about". I forgive him though. He knows more now than he did back then.

I'm lonely in this state away from my family. My brother will have kids I guess I'll miss that too. My brother the light of my life. I protected him as a child and teenager in so many ways. I love him to pieces. I'm not sure how he feel about me but I believe he loves me.

Tonight though my therapist is my hero. He didn't have to have me walking with him as he pointed out very beautiful things. He is a special person and deserves everything he wants in life. He has probably known for a long time about these incomplete personalities. His patience is made of steel. I don't always treat him right. I see or perceive things about him that are not true.

Telling the difference between fact and fiction. My therapist is just the person to tell Alex who his mommy really is. She's the girl who cherished him these past seven years. I'm so proud of him. I will miss him the most. I feel torn up right now dealing with too many different voices, moods, my head is foggy. I don't believe I will ever live normally. I can do that to my son.

My father now theres a topic. The only real parent I had besides Aunt Helen. I love my daddy more than I can express to him. I modeled myself after him. He's a hard worker, strong, protector and someone I had hoped would open up to me some day and tell me how he really feels but he's too tough for that. A good man, smart man and the rock in the family is who he is.

Unfortunately being both borderline and bipolar means a higher suicide rate. I can see why I live it everyday. As for the most rageful self destructive part is taken over me. He wants me gone and I want him gone. There is only one way to ensure that happens.

I took my cocktail of pills tonight. I took a high dose of seroquel so I'll be out soon. My life that I imagined all my life wasn't how it is right now. Except for my son, my treasure. I wish he could come with me but he can't he has a great life to live. I'll always be watching him from afar. I need to pack my bags now they will be home soon. Gooodnight bloggers.

Thank you all for your help, kind words etc. I needed to hear every bit of it. I pray you all do well. I really do.

no motivation

I need to be home to get better and heal. I need to figure out who I am
and solve my parts problem. right now Marc us messing me up.
I'm back to old ways of managing my problems. then there is lauren the child who needs
to much from my therapist. I don't know who the hypersexual one is there
but she will do just about anything sexually. I know she is bicurious and I putactually
like this part.
but who am i? so much us said or done by me that I can't remember. I feel like a freak and am obsessing
over what my therapist thinks of me. is he story he took me on? does he think I am a freak or what?
I'm scared of doing this work I'm afraid this will all end badly for me because I want to get then out of me even if I have
to kill myself to do it. I shouldn't be a mom, a friend, or at work. I'm frozen and can't get my work done

focus the final goal understanding parts

Sagittarius Feb 10 2012
Surfing is a potentially dangerous sport. The ocean is unpredictable. There is the current to deal with, and the possibility of an undertow. And you never really know when some gigantic wave will suddenly appear behind you. But the practiced surfer doesn't focus excessively on any of these things. He/she relies on skill and experience, and rides the wave in an almost intuitive way. You are now focusing on potential problems with a current endeavor, but you should be focusing on doing your best and reaching the shoreline triumphantly.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
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okay I'll admit it

I miss my best friend of some 25 years. she was my only high school friend left and my sons godmother.
she was my other half, I want to know what it is that I did. she won't return my calls. a part of me wants to tell her to go away, I never want to see her again, the other said but you still love her call her.
its always me making the first move. I do feel that if she wants me she knows where to find me.
I'm done chasing anybody. I just have to accept I'm alone and be okay with no love, no friends, no fun on my life anymore, no sex, not even someone to hold me once in awhile.
other people have much more to live for than me. my only love is my son he won't leave me, he loves me and I adore him.
everyone else is subject to change.
I can try and go out alone tonight we'll see.
art least I have my therapist he deserves a medal

February 9, 2012

oh no the spiral again...

I managed to leave work early again and go to see my sadomaochist massage therapist. He wants to be my personal training.
However, I can't commit to more than two days a week and then practice on my own on the weekend when he isn't around.

But today was a bad day. I hate my job, hate this project and want it all to stop. I am way much more vocal to anyone who will listen after what I went through last year that landed me in patient and detoxing.

I don't know if I like my new psychiatrist. He actually had the nerve to want to change out two other medicines that are working. Hello Mc Fly, its the antipsychotics that are the problem. He supports ECT too. Great. I am terrified of doing it. My brain is messed up enough. I'll never be the same again never. I want to see real people and have them sit and talk to me about how they've improved. I want proof.

I'm spiraling again because of work stress. I got my back fixed so I can walk outside tomorrow. But honestly, I don't want to live anymore, I really don't. Can a car run me over tomorrow? doubt it. What is my damn purpose on this earth that I am actually achieving at. I'm a bad wife, bad mother, bad friend, and just overall BAD. Is this Marc or me? how the fuck do I know how I really feel.

I hate psychiatry. They want to put their own medication regimin in plade to hell with what is already working. I'll have to keep searching until I find the one who will listen and not just talk over me as if I don't know anything. I know more about these drugs than the doctors do. I have all the apps and I read up constantly.

If he changes me around, I'm out off to someone new. Therapist wanted a punishment phase it seems when Marc is around. I've said this many times, i'll say it again. I have no control over this one. One word can turn a smile of mine into the look of evil. Just ask those around me long enough. What is his purpose. He's self destructive. Probably the one who scarred my left arm. Its embarrassing people can see it and comment on it.

Look here is the deal both bipolar patients and borderline patients die 10% of the time to suicide. that's where I'm headed. I have a huge headache right now and can't think anymore. I took my cocktail good night everyone. Be better than me, do better than me, just be the best you can and feel good about it.

I'm not quite that positive yet. Medically I'n fine now but he'll fuck with my medicines and I'll get up and leave him too. My body, my bain, I get to decide what they change around and throw at me. I get to decide that not them.

unable to work

I just can't do this anymore. I've tried but I can't heal in this stressful place. I have too high level of a position. I want to walk out after the project is done... really do

what does it feel like to be truly loved?

by a significant other? it has been so long since someone loved me and on a passionate way. first I'm told to love myself but I don't. what have I done that is lovable?
I'm a mean person who lashes out at people for looking at me the wrong way.
I hate elevator talk while going up to my office.
all this and I wonder why no one wants to love me. I'm too heavy right now do thats part of it.
I need to develop anorexia, can't believe I'm suggesting this the problem is I am to hungry all the time to be anorexic.
no one can possibly love me the way I look right now.... very sad

February 8, 2012

the truth

Sagittarius Feb 8 2012
Hearing the whole truth and nothing but the truth is highly overrated at times. Someone may have sugarcoated something recently, and omitted some portion of a story. You may feel left out or even deceived, but that probably wasn't the intention. Communication may be foggy for you right now, but it may be because there is some aspect of a situation that you aren't ready to hear or absorb just yet. That doesn't mean it's bad news, it just means it's news that you will need to evolve a bit more to fully understand. Accept what you know for now, and allow yourself to grow from it emotionally.
--
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February 7, 2012

left work early

just walked out the door with my laptop but I won't work tonight, I can't I have too much to worry about.
I'm 217 pounds unreal. my normal weight is 160 I can't believe this is who I am now. I'm ugly, a monster, no matter how much I beg my therapist won't help me with the gastric sleeve. not one bit, he abandoned me on that. I get angry knowing he approved patients all the time but not me. no matter how many times I say this is the answer to my suicidal thoughts he won't do it. he wants me to accept myself as I am now. I will never do that. I want to feel sexy again, like a normal person and he won't help.
now I have to find any doctor I can to do it and I could get hurt or die if they aren't good.
he doesn't care, the answer is no. I don't respect that he helped me start the process then dumped me because I was honest about feeling suicidal. he used my honesty against me and I'm hurt, very hurt. I don't want to leave my house, I will eventually kill myself over this how will he feel then? my husband too he won't pay for it. half our savings is mine and I want it now for the surgery.
let whatever happens to me happen if I die on the table so be it. men do not get to control my body like this. I won't allow it

fed up with life

I just want to walk out of my job. I can't do my job like I'm supposed to and my therapist was going write me out but now he's suggesting social security disability. I highly doubt I will get it. although my condition is very poor at this point, I do need it even if its only six months, I won't qualify.
first, you can't have a job and apply, so I'd need to resign first and there are no guarantees. my husband will implode.
I can barely get out of bed every morning. this job is extreme high stress so I haven't made much progress. I think I'm going to sneak out in a little bit and go home and back to bed. I'm not mentally here and haven't done any real work today. too worried about too many things.
therapy is about to get a whole lot harder now that we are talking about parts of me. I'm scared actually because I doing know if I can handle whatever feelings and pain might surface.
but what else can I do? I've suspected that I have several parts or personalities whatever this is called is scary to me.
my therapist and I agree that the side of me that rages needs to disappear but I can't control this side. its a teenage boy and his name is Marc. this much I know. I know there is a sexual girl who is ready for anything and extremely open minded. I like this part but I don't have a name. there is a caretaker part of me her name is lauren but I'm not sure of her age. question is who the hell am i?
an empty shell right now is how I feel. oh there is an abandoned child she is young not sure how old but she comes out when my therapist hits the abandonment button.
I can't control her either she's frequently suicidal and I can't function when she's around.
I frequently say I want my dad thats how I know she's present.
thats all I have figured out. I feel even more freakish now than ever.
I didn't want to tell my therapist any of this because of what he might think of me. he's probably known for a long time, he's brilliant and patient keeping this to himself all these years. I didn't really know any of this until I had a nightmare that I told my therapist about months ago. its been bothering me ever since.
so my therapist wants to have me agree that when Marc is out, he'll end our session. he's the raging part. this scares me how much damage he may do on the way out I don't know. but then Lauren will eventually appear and I just may end my life over it. this all feels do out of control. I wonder if this can be fixed. see I need to go home I can't concentrate on work.

dealing with conflict

Sagittarius Feb 7 2012
You may have been dealing with a conflict that has really begun to get to you. As a Sagittarian, you are fabulous at dealing with conflict. You are strong-willed, you have a thick skin, and you can be diplomatic and practical too. But you have to recognize when you reach a point that conflict becomes unhealthy, and when you reach an impasse that just can't be negotiated. You may be at that point with someone now. Instead of pressing the issue, let it go for awhile. If you keep going, you risk a small war with this person. If you give it up, you may find that it resolves itself amicably.
--
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February 5, 2012

collapse is coming

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. my therapist and other doctors can't work with me and the other parts of me that are evil. I've mentioned parts to my therapist but we haven't talked about it. it's why I have my Friday sessions but I've been acting up so we can't get anywhere. then the very thing I feared that the wild animal would come out and ruin everything is exactly what happened.
now I don't trust myself anymore. I can't control him, he's too difficult to control or work with.
what is worse is I now think I have a dissociative disorder and there is no cure. I wonder if he's known about it? we have been together six years. he says he doesn't want to label me anymore.
no therapist can handle this part of me even me. I get very tired and confused after an episode. I need the Menninger clinic but its too expensive. my husband checked its 30,000 up front then we get reimbursed.
in the meantime my therapist is yelled at by me, and not always trusted but i, myself really do trust him. see if I were still on the diet pills, he would be suppressed,I don't even drink anymore. I'm easier to handle under the influence of something.
what do I do now?

Deep sadness

We are on our way home and I don't want to come home. I have work to do that I am not up to doing. I need someone to hold me for awhile, just a little while. But who? My husband tried but I didn't feel safe. It was awkward. I am full of pain and guilt or shame. There is no easy way out.
This all started in me so long ago, I was bullied by neighborhood kids, kids at school, at home with mom, and sometimes dad. I spent time protecting everyone at home and school but forgot about me.
My first protector is no longer on this earth, the closest hug I get from her is when I hug her headstone. I go back home every spring and see her wishing the dirt beneath me will suck me under. I used to feel her around me but I feel like she's gone, mad at me that I rarely show anyone the best part of me that is her. I feel dead inside.

February 4, 2012

all by myself

my son, his best friend, and my husband are at the museum and here I am all alone in the room with my thoughts and fears. this is how I am spending time with him.

I feel like taking the whole bottle of seroquel and making this my last day on earth.

they will be gone long enough. then I cant hurt anyone anymore especially those who cared for me. I ruined all of that now, the wild animal in me wont die until I kill him.

I wonder will t come back once he is dead? or do I die with him?

I've been feeling he is separate from for the first time ever.

I had to take seroquel twice just to get through therapy but I didn't tell him why. I don't know what else to do with this part of me.

I bet you all are wondering who he is... he has no name but he is ruining my life and those around me.

I have no pdoc right now but I can't wait any longer to get rid of him before he succeeds in chasing everyone away from me. will I live though or come back to my son and be normal?


I cause my own problems

How do I do this? By overreacting, trusting too much for some and not enough for others.
I really can get on a treadmill but what stops me is my medications I really have to fight so lets hope I can do that or else stay fat forever.
I isolate too much and dream about either what will never be or what had been done that I can't change.
I take my frustrations out on everyone and use the excuse of what I've gone through my whole life.
The bullying, fighting, avoiding a raging mother and my father was absent working all the time, the abuse by a few sick men, the teachers and their disapproval, the pain of losing Aunt Helen she is gone until we meet again. I do have a part of me that is her. I pay her back for her love by giving mine to the chosen few. It scares them though, I tell them call me if you need me, I'll be right there. They never do because they have who and what they need. I can't add to their lives so I should drop that part of me. No one needs me.

This is a bit sad

sagittarius February 04, 2012

Upcoming verdict

Must be about work


Sagittarius Horoscope for February 04, 2012
Are you on pins and needles about an upcoming verdict or decision? You shouldn't be. It doesn't matter what other people think right now, because ultimately the outcome is up to you, and the way your life changes (if it changes at all) is totally up to you. You can allow people to voice their opinions about what you are doing, but you do not have to obey them. Now is not the time to hand the steering wheel to someone else. You are in charge, so flex your muscles -- it will feel good!

Honesty with compassion

Friday, February 3, 2012 You could feel a bit uneasy as the changeable Gemini Moon visits your 7th House of Partnerships. You're not trying to offend anyone, but your need to be honest outweighs any other desires today. If you're not walking your talk now, you'll end up diminishing your spirit. As long as you remember to act compassionately to others, your journey of self-discovery will continue to be a source of inspiration.

February 3, 2012

Vulnerable again, hurt again

I allowed myself to be vulnerable for so long but I thought it was safe. I now know it was not safe. I just didn't realize it. Its okay though because someday I will meet someone who feels for me as I feel for him.
It is then that my rage will go away. When I'm truly loved by the right person, at the right time, in the right way

Please come true

Sagittarius Feb 3 2012
You may find an ally today or this week in someone you would never expect to take your side. That's why it is very important to dismiss any preconceived ideas you may have about any person or situation you encounter in the coming days. If you build up a fear that a problem will be unsolvable or that you'll face a scenario where it's you against the world, then it will be harder to conquer a challenge. But if you are open to the possibilities and to accepting help from an unexpected source, you will have a fabulous outcome to a problem.
--
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February 2, 2012

I'm sick very sick

My head and heart have been spinning all day. Pressure from this project that just took another lousy turn. I am unable to work at any level and had to meet with the top attorney half the morning. She didn't seem impressed by me, who would be today, I'm off, not well, not stable and very sick.

After lunch, I went to CVS to pick up a drug that my Neurologist wants me to combine with Keppra. I took it and five minutes later threw up all over the side of my car and parking lot. I was so embarrassed. I was feeling that way before I took it so I don't think its related to that. I took a pain pill which I never do but my menstrual cramps were absolutely the most painful ever today. I started yesterday of all days which added to my troubles later in therapy. Anyway, I can't take pain pills I know this I need something to combat the nausea but I was desperate and advil wasn't working at all. The cramps almost felt like labor pains for some reason thats how bad they were. So I've been sick all afternoon feeling like I'm going to throw up then don't. Awful. How exactly to people get addicted to pain meds again? This is a nightmare I can't imagine it.

I left work early I think I need a hospital but we are leaving after my therapy appointment tomorrow for my sons birthday weekend in San Antonio. I don't feel up to going now. I'm not mentally right, I lost or actually fired my psychiatrist and now I don't have one at all. I made my therapist mad, really mad so tomorrow he'll most likely tell me to move on. If that happens I'm definitely checking in somewhere. I don't want to ruin my son's birthday weekend but I think I have already just with how this week played out. Things were said last night on both our ends that we can't take back. I'm lost now, just lost. He felt abused by me which he was, I can't lie about that I did it.

I have reasons but they don't matter to him. Somehow I'm hypomanic and paranoid. I haven't felt paranoid until yesterday in a long time so I'm not sure why he sees me that way. What is going on at work is real not paranoia. The woman after me is telling everyone we don't need my department I can be outsourced. Well okay then, outsource me. One way or the other I'm gotten rid of so just do it I say. I'm in no shape to run the place anyway.

I lost so much yesterday and so much is changed now. I could've just kept what I learned to myself but couldn't. I am hurt and the whole story wasn't provided to my psychiatrist, just a list of symptoms. I see why now he wanted me off vyvanse. I can't blame him after all he had help with his decision whether or not it was intended that way. He wasn't told Keppra might be to blame, he wasn't told the truth about my supposed paranoia. When before last night did that show up? Even my husband says I haven't been paranoid and he was glad. Oh well, the pdoc is gone now I can't go back after the way I left. My endings are always messy. I took a seroquel before going to therapy and I'm glad I did because it was bad enough even taking it I can't imagine what would have happened if I hadn't taken one.

I'm afraid to go tomorrow, not sure what to expect. Agree to disagree I guess. He doesn't see it from my point at all. Even I know not to tell a pdoc I'm hypomanic which I haven't been. I've been taking my meds so how have I been hypomanic even? I'm so confused about why this all had to happen.

The ending is the same though...my fault...I'm to blame...the shame is all mine. Same lesson different day. No wonder I'm so sick today. I wanted to send a message apologizing but didn't do it. It didn't feel right this time. He's not sorry so why should I be?
I needed to have the talk and it always goes bad when my reality is denied and invalidated. Always. I saw my mom in him yesterday and that scares me the most. I've never seen her in him but I did yesterday. He doesn't care if I go back or not he said so.

So why am I then? Just to hear it again?

Lost, confused, depressed, and stressed

I need to disappear for awhile. I'm close to walking out of my job.

Today seems like a good day to disappear for good.

February 1, 2012

Two hours ago

I lost everything and everyone. There is no one left that I can be myself with. No one I can tell the truth to and not be labeled and misunderstood. What happens to me now? Aunt Helen please help me. Its just you now and you're gone. Where do I go from here? How do I live through this pain? What happens to me after tonight?
Alex needs his mother but she has been torn apart with no psychiatrist and no one else left to turn to.
A huge part of me died two hours ago and I'll never get back what I thought I had.
It was all a lie just like with mom, I'll be blamed, shamed, and cast in a role I no longer play.
I'm done with my diet pill nightmare but I'm seen through only one filter.
I'm all alone after tonight forever.