January 31, 2012

I need to be hospitalized I think

Today was by far the hardest day regarding getting out of bed.
I need to come off all medicines and start over. If my psychiatrist won't do it, I'll go to the emergency room.
I've never felt worse it may be the epilepsy medicine.
I really want to go home and stay in bed or just die. I'm way too heavy to exist and there is no end in sight

Daily scope

Sagittarius Jan 31 2012
Are you doing what you're meant to be doing right now, at this very moment? Have you made the right choices and wound up in the right place? Yes, of course you have Sagittarius. You may be feeling that you have lost your bearings. You may be wondering if you have made mistakes that prevented you from reaching your true destiny. That's because you've had a few rough breaks recently, and you're doing a lot of introspection. But if you are wondering if it's too late to pursue a special goal, the answer is NO - it is NOT too late. In fact, you are now in precisely the right place to begin your pursuit.
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January 29, 2012

proud of my son

he is in first grade and already reading on a second grade level. his birth was difficult and he has some speech and language issues but with his public school speech therapist and the private one that I pay for myself, and my husband working with him he's doing great.

I'm not the homework parent, we both have Add and its hard enough working with my issues but I do his art projects with him that is my strength. I'm just so proud of him he works so hard and its paying off.

part of why I try to stay employed despite my many mental health issues is so he has what he needs academically.

I just learned something from him.

I need to work harder on my issues which will benefit him in the long run. I owe him that much, I love my son more than myself.

We keep playing phone tag

Its my exboyfriend and I but I can't show up he's in another state... We keep missing each other

Sagittarius Jan 29 2012

You know how it goes: someone calls you, misses you, and leaves you a message. You then return the call, miss the person, and you leave a message too. It's an old game called phone tag. Maybe, to make up for your lack of communication, you will opt for texting or email. But there is no substitute for the real thing. Make a point of scheduling some face time with an important person in your life, Sagittarius. You seriously need to catch up and nurture that relationship. Besides, there may be some important news you'll want to hear.


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Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile I cannot do my job anymore actually I've never been able to do my job.

I want to quit my job...

For the past five years, of which I've been in management three of these years, I have not been able to adequately do my job. It was first because I needed to clean house and that took about two of my three management years. Now I have positions to fill and constant priority shifting is causing a significant delay and making me have to rely on one employee who does not take direction well, I cannot trust and is very very slow at doing his work.

I have a deadline for this big project that is unmanageable and him to rely on? Great. I can't even screen my potential employees this week. I want to scream. I have my medical problems that are going unattended and won't be surprised if I collapse again. I have to change pdoc's because of the vyvanse issue (the only drug keeping me working) if that goes away so does my career. I want to cry but can't for some reason. I'm numb. I'm constantly fighting whether its at work, with my doctors, especially pdocs who think they know me better than me. I'm viewed I feel as this sick little bipolar/borderline chick. I should be able to work with these doctors they are smart and knowledgeable but they can't work with me it has to be against me.

Pdocs for me either focus on the bipolar or the ADD. I can't get both for some reason. For five years vvyvanse has been my life saver, one drug that the drug company got right. There are no ups and downs...just a steady flow of focusing. Its a lifesaver. Once I got on this I finished one certification and almost another I have one part left. My career took off so this pdoc wants to get rid of it by telling me to go off 70mg to zero without taking me down slowly and without even knowing my workload this week. He doesn't care it doesn't affect him. I don't even know why he is asking me to do this just received an email saying "dr. so and so feels that you should stop vyvanse for now". Hell no!!!! I told him I am willing to come off everything and start over with the mood stabilizers and antipsychotics but not this one or the lorazepam and temazepam. These two plus the vyvanse work for me. Keppra causes rage so I am taking B vitamins and doing better.

The suicidal feelings are creeping back in again...I feel it and I'm trying to stop it but I can't. I'm misunderstood or misdiagnosed maybe. I have temporal lobe epilepsy but there is no test for bipolar. There is no ADD test BUT plenty of evidence of my significant improvement. But that's being ignored again.

I'm sick and tired of being sick, depressed, suicidal and unwell physically. I need a doctor who will listen and understand the whole picture of me...can't find that though in the psychiatry world...why???????????????

January 28, 2012

sex and BPD...

I was reading some blogs last night about sex with a girl with BPD and was quite dismayed at some of the comments made. I can say that when I feel sexy, which isn't much these days, sex with someone I care about is intense, very intense. Its almost like every feeling that I have comes out and I get lost in it, completely lost. I often confuse this with love and have been hurt in the past.

So, some of the comments were "have sex with a BPD but marry a real woman". This one seems to hurt me the most because I identify with it. I've had countless relationships in the past where a guy comes to me for sex but goes home to his boring wife. Not my term on the boring wife...but his. Men have no idea how hurtful this is to both parties. They want it all but can't find it in one woman so they need two. The love of my life is married to someone else. Admittedly, we both love each other still today, sex between us was magical and passionate. He and I both married the opposite. I often feel cheated because the man I'm married to now is not someone I'm sexual with at all anymore. Its been about a year. Who knows anymore whose fault it is, it doesn't matter.

I have a child though so I stay. I have strayed...a bit but I'm just being used and that's hard to admit. So, the one guy I migrated to once in awhile I've left behind. He's married, a marine which I absolutely find sexy but he's also bisexual so I'm not his focus anyway. I have some guilt feelings towards his wife because she seems to be a lovely person but he talks about her so badly that I can't help but feel for her. So I'm staying away from him partly because when we are together, it's all about him and then off he goes for another month or so. I think he's more into men anyway.

I'm not sure if my husband and I can get back what we had once. I haven't been stable enough to give it much thought. Perhaps maybe if allow it but I'm barely available to my son right now who really needs me. My heart bursts with love for him but then I sit and isolate like right now.

This post has morphed a bit from the title but I just type the way I'm feeling which often changes in the same post. I need to leave soon for my hair appointment that is far away, I love this new stylist I have. My hair is the only thing attractive about me anymore so I try to take care of it. I think I'll go darker today...I'm in a dark place so why not look the part?

Don't fight dirty

Wow this one is timely... I'm mad at my psychiatrist, my boss, my husband, this stupid project, my employee, the world.

The only one I'm not mad at is my therapist. I'm truly blessed that I have him, too bad he's not blessed with me. I need to remember he's not the problem, I am as usual.

Aunt Helen thank you for the gift you have given me, now give him one... What I asked for at your grave site. He deserves it.

Sagittarius Jan 28 2012

If you have found yourself in the midst of a power struggle with an authority figure, you will need to be diplomatic and use your common sense. Giving in to explosive emotions now can only result in mayhem, and will cause you problems for quite awhile. That's not to say that you should back down if you feel that you're right, but you have to behave like someone who is running for office. Use discretion in what you say and do, and don't throw mud. Fighting dirty will only make neutral parties think less of you. Take the high road.


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January 26, 2012

Just click find and replace...

Once again I need to find a new doctor. I emailed him about medication problems. I take the following;

1. Keppra 500mg every 12 hourss
2. Seroquel 200mg
3. Vyvanse 70mg
4. Lorazepam .5 three times per day
5. Latuda 80mg
6. Coumadin 5mg
7. Robaxin 500mg
8. methacarbamol another relaxant.

I didn't feel stable Keppra causes rage but I found the solution. Take B6 and B12 and it worked. So, my pdoc get this email minus the vitamin information because I didn't know about it yet. His solution is to come off Vyvanse immediately. the one drug I've taken for five year with NO FUCKING PROBLEMS. It will cause me immediate problems now and I might as well quit my job, my high level career gone just like that.

The other drugs are newer to me, its the mood stabilizers/antipsychotics that cause my problems. But here is another doctor that doesn't want to listen. So I emailed him back and said if this is his final analysis, I'm gone. I need to protect my fucking job not that these doctors care. Does he want to pay me my $88K salary that I never would have if it wasn't for this drug?

So tommorrow I'm on the hunt again for another pdoc. Just when I thought I had what I needed finally. Just like that its over again. My fourth psychiatrist. At firsst I thought my therapist recommended this to him he just spoke to his assistant over there. But who knows, I'll never know the truth. My therapist doesnt' like me on Vyvanse either.

Just because I have bipolar doesn't mean I'm flying into mania, if that were the case it would have happened multiple times over the past five years. I hate all of these doctors and the power they have over me. Just hit find and replace.

my daily scope

Sagittarius horoscope for Jan 26 2012 by DailyHoroscope (http://bit.ly/DHmobile)

keep an open mind

January 25, 2012

self esteem takes another hit

Last night in therapy, my therapist said on one side I come off as this street smart tough girl and on the other hand I missed how this former friend used me and was naive about her.

He pushed that wild animal button again and did not keep my fragile self esteem together. He knows I'm not medically stable and how much pressure I'm under at work and then hits me in my weakest area hard.

So again I left therapy hurt and demoralized. How is this therapeutic?

January 20, 2012


I don't know much about different types of therapy even though I've been in therapy almost six years. I came across something called Schema Therapy and found these classifications interesting:

Core Childhood Needs
• Safety
• “Stable Base,” Predictability
• Love, Nurturing & Attention
• Acceptance & Praise
• Empathy
• Guidance & Protection
• Validation of Feelings & Needs

In some cases, I got some of these needs met with my Aunt Helen for sure but for the most part most of these needs went unmet and I still look for ways to get them met. Mostly, in an impulsive manner.

Eighteen Early Maladaptive Schemas - I don't know what all of these mean but noting the ones I bond with.

•Abandonment (obvious number one problem of mine)
•Mistrust & Abuse (number two issue for sure)
•Emotional Deprivation
•Dependence (I allow this now but only in therapy)
•Vulnerability (I find myself way too vulnerable to the wrong people)
•Social Isolation (I do this all the time)
•Approval-Seeking (I used to care about this but lately less and less)
•Failure (often feel like a failure as a mother, woman, person, patient, friend, etc.)
•Unrelenting Standards
•Negativity (well, I'm certtainly not a positive person)
•Entitlement (I guess at times I feel entitled to something...how about validation?)
•Insufficient Self-Control
•Punitiveness (I can be quite punitive to those who hurt me or I perceive as hurting me)

I'll have to think these through some more I have no idea how to fix any of this.

Fantasy versus reality

I often do this and end up disappointed.

Sagittarius Jan 20 2012

You may be feeling disappointed because your fantasy about the outcome of a situation was much better than the reality turned out to be. You were so focused on your idealized dream of a certain conclusion that you are failing to see the merit and the phenomenal possibilities that exist in what you now have. Let go of your old, outdated vision. Allow some light to shine in on what has actually transpired. If you can open your mind and your heart, you may discover that the reality is actually much, much better than the fantasy could have been.


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Having a good time

My daddy is with me I've been waiting for this for years.

January 19, 2012

Defense mechanisms part two

Here are some that I believe I employ sometimes.

Denial- I often am in denial of my issues and how myctions more affect others. Recently, I was told I am demanding. I certainly don't intend to be demanding but I do remember some times in therapy that I've wanted more than my therapist can give me. I am working on this.

Projection-my therapist sees this quite a bit in me. If I understand this one I project my negative feelings on to other people.
I need some examples to understand this better.

Displacement - taking out my anger on the wrong people I think is one I've been guilty of. I often am mad at one person but take it out on others. My husband mainly, I'm often mad at him but take it out on people at work.

Regression - I think many times I have thrown temper tantrums or have reverted back to a response that would come from a teenager more so than an adult.

These are some of the bigger ones. I'm sure there are more. But I can't think of them right now. This is hard for me to even go down this path. I'm so used to being blamed for everything gone wrong in the world with my family. References are made between me and my mother and how I'm like her in certain ways. Most times I just don't want to hear anything negative about me anymore.

Rarely do I hear anything good about me. I guess that means there isn't anything. we don't talk in therapy about the good in me, the focus is on stuff like this and I fall deeper and deeper into depression and spin out of control.

I often distort my own reality. I struggle with knowing what is real or perceived. Its been a constant struggle all my life. My dad is good at helping me talk this through. Tonight on the way home he said "why can't you just move on from what my mom did to me". He seemed focused on what she's done to him which is way worse than anything she did to me in his mind.

My dad doesn't know anything really, I kept him in the dark all these years. He worked on his business on weekends, when he left my world turned into chaos, hell, verbal assaults, accusations of coming between my dad and my mom and their marriage as if I was competition or something. How sick is that?

Oh, enough for tonight already...I took my medicines. We talked today about them I really only want Seroquel to go the rest of them I need for now.

My triggers

I don't always know my triggers but here are a few that I am aware of

1. Eating while watching TV
2. References between my mom and me
3. Hearing from my mom
4. Feeling criticized in therapy
5. Believing my therapist is pulling away from me

6. Isolation
7. Feeling inadequate in my job
8. My father saying I'm not his strong child anymore
9. Feeling inadequate as a mother
10. Feeling abandoned or rejected which leads into suicidal thoughts
11. Weight issues seeing the scale go up.
12. When I am blamed and others do not take responsibility

Not in any particular order...but my weight and body image are the highest priority and I feel unsupported in this quest of mine to have surgery. Well, I'm pursuing it because I believe its all I have left. I don't need anyone to support me really, I just need cash, a doctor willing to do it, and the courage to move forward knowing I am alone in this quest.

So what else is new? Nothing.

Today my dad joins my therapy session

I am nervous about it because I'm going to hear how I'm the problem especially in my marriage

Sagittarius Jan 19 2012

You may be feeling restless, irritable, or nervous. As a fire sign, Sagittarius, there are two ways you  might be likely to handle this anxious energy. You could become abrasive and wind up having a conflict with someone in your world, which would lead you to feel even more restless, irritable, and nervous. Or, you could channel your agitation into something productive. Just think, if you pour yourself into something positive, you could accomplish quite a lot right now, and you would wind up feeling much better too.


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January 18, 2012

Defense Mechanisms - and Me

We talk about in therapy the removal of defenses. I initially took it as breaking me down but no matter. I have defense mechanisms and I use them all the time to protect myself from further pain. Of course, it doesn't always work. On my end, I fall apart but I try never to let the person on the other side see that. My therapist though, he knows it. I can't hide who I am to him. Why should I want to anyway. The man has gone above and beyond for me, I didn't always deserve it either.

During my drug addiction, I put him through hell not to mention what I did to my own mental state. Interestingly, both my dad and my therapist asked me if I was back on the diet pills. Um, at 215lbs I thought that would be obvious....no. If I was I'd drop some weight for sure. My therapist says I'm acting similar to when I did during that time. I'm not sure what would be causing this perhaps its one of the newer drugs. I'm not abusing any of my regular drugs or any new drugs. He's seeing something and so is my dad.

It's interesting because my dad a long time ago taped my phone conversations because he swore I was on drugs. I was about 15-16 years of age. He found out very quickly that nope, it wasn't drugs that was making me rage...it was just rage..moods...shifting moods..up/down...angry...sad. you name it. That's kind of how I feel now like he's seeing my mental health issues but no it has to be that I'm doing drugs.

Oh well, time will show them both that I'm good. What is amazing to me is now all of he sudden, I don't like or crave martini's anymore. WTF?? These were my favorite, the purple haze, cosmos, vodka anything really. Somehow now it turns me off. That is what I am talking about when I say there are different parts of me that change like the wind. I don't know whats up with this, I'm not the professional.

Well at least I got my muscle relaxers for my back tonight. 500mg of Braxtan. Lets see if I can move tomorrow morning. Nighty night all.

my personality "traits" vs "parts"

I wonder how many of you that suffer from BPD feel like I do. I change frequently how I feel about a decision I made, someone special in my life (there aren't many) my job status quit vs stay vs disability vs job abandon. Seriously, in therapy we talk about moods but also personality disorder traits.
I am not afraid anymore of labels like I used to be. I call my changing all the time "parts" of me because that is how it feels, like a different person almost is what I become during certain situations. Triggers are involved in the angriest part of me that I call the "wild animal". This part is one is the one that gets me in trouble in my relationships. Its the part that had me running away over the summer to hotels so my son wouldn't see this side of me. I was abusing diet pills at the time so everything was in turmoil.
Let's discuss the diet pill period. I was drinking a lot as well to come down from the highs of these pills. Now, the thought of alcohol of any kind turns my stomach. Now how is that possible? I love martini's, have always been a vodka drinker but now it turns me off to think about it. I quit smoking only to gain even more weight so I'm smoking a little bit again. I was admonishe with not bonding with the fact that my addiction was the same as the crack head in my group. this is where the chronic uniqueness comment came from. Yes, sorry I am leaps and bounds better than this particular person.
But lets talk about the smoking. I had quite for over fifteen years and then four years ago, picked it up again in full force. I wasn't abusing diet pills back then or alcohol...so why did I just make this switch? there are clothes in my closest that I got rid of that I would never wear so why did I buy it and when? I don't remember buying some of it.
Okay so traits discussed in therapy or have been discussed at some point:

1. borderline - specifically abandonment, rejection, black/white thinking,
2. antisocial - problems with authority and following rules, prone to homicidal thoughts (wild animal) and physical fights.
This was more prominent in high school but I'm always ready to take someone down...if I need to.
I do not violate the rights of others like a friend of mine recently has. She is unreal and I'm pathetic
for how I got involved with her in the first place. Not smart.
3. narcissist - chronic uniqueness which I now call terminal uniqueness, demanding, and I will say that at one time
I felt beautiful, sexy etc. much more so than others but now he joke is on me, I look 100 times worse than
most people. Although I never kept anyone out of my life or treated them different if they weren't attractive.
However, now that I am heavier I feel like I'm treated differently. If I have any other of these traits its
definitely a false self....I'm way to insecure to love myself as a narcisisst does.
4. dependent - I become dependent on some for help, my therapist most notably. I see this as a strength because it took me
so much time and many years to find him, trust him, and not walk out the door. Some dependency on my part needs
to occur because if I start thinking fuck him, I'll take care of myself I'll be in trouble emotionally again.
He may disagree whether this is a positive or not. The fact that I am able to attach to him as far as I'm
concerned is progress. If that attachment breaks, its over for me. I'll never recover.
5. OCD - Perfectionism, this is my biggest problem especially at work. I take this to a whole new level. I am far from
perfect. I need to be perfect to feel secure in my job or else I think I'm getting fired all the time. I also have
high expectations of my staff. This must change, they do not deserve to be forced to be perfect by me. I have
already started with my one and only employee right now. I told him my door is open, we will make certain
decisions together, I value his feedback and respect his need to work a little slower. I am learning to be
negotiable on this I don't want to lose him he's a good employee overall.
6. hypersexual - This is not a problem any longer. All 215lbs of me can and does fight this feeling. I'm disgusted with myself.
However, I do miss the sexual thoughts and fantasies I used to have and share in therapy. I was learning about
myself a bit more but now feel like discussions on my sexuality whether I'm bisexual or not, are just not a
priority right now.
So they are some of the major traits, now for the parts which I view differently:
1. Child - At times this side of me was prominent in therapy looking back. I wanted him to take care of me and protect me
like a big brother would. I wanted to feel special, his favorite client (yeah how many borderlines are actually
therapist favorites) shows how out of touch with reality I am.
2. Fighter - This isn't the wild animal, this is more like arguing and getting somewhat aggressive but not quite at the wild
animal stage. I am prone to tearing someone down verbally into tiny little pieces without much effort.
3. Jim Carrey - This one has been dormant, I used to entertain my son for long periods of time with facial expressions to make
him laugh, playing jokes on people, laughing all the time, being the life of the party at home or whereever I
am. Once in awhile I think this side came out in therapy. Not making faces and noises to make him laugh but more
of a joking around a lot during session type thing. Who knows though.
4. Identity - Sometimes feel bisexual, or feel heterosexual or asexual. Now this one is most confusing of all. I want to explore
this side of me but first I must lose 50lbs then I'll think about it.
5. Protecter This one can turn into a fighter quickly. I protect those I love and care about who have gone out of their way for
me. I'll do anything to protect them. My brother comes to mind mostly. I fought all his battles in high school.
He wasn't yet the tough guy his is today. I'm protective of my therapist. No one better get out of hand and
yell at him when I'm around. Of course, I often don't see him with reality so I get mad at him but no one else
can...get it?
6. Wild Animal - Now this one is dangerous and I have no idea when this trait of mine will strike. But when it does, all hell
breaks loose. Right before Christmas I tore half the house apart. Earlier today my husband compared me to my
mother because of my health issues and maybe not being able to work. I freaked out on him. She is a complete
loser I have real problems that I am suffering to fix. He later apologized but every time he compares me to her
I hate him more. I have some of her problems sure but I am an overachiever not a loser. She has't accomplished
anything in life worthy of praise. Nothing. If I end up going out of work again, its because being in a high
level position with high level stress, medication changes, and severe body image issues is taking over.
It does not mean I won't work ever again like she did and still does. I took this to heart this morning.
My husband is lucky he was at work when he said this to me.
7. Mother - This is where I am at my best with my son and I tend to take on this role with others. Last week, at student
where I work was looking for the truancy office. He asked me where it was and got a lot more than that from me.
In my own joking around style I kept at him about why he's missing school and doesn't he realize that this is
the time in his life that defines who he will be...a leader....or a follower. He told me "I'm a definite leader".
I then said good I'll expect you to continue to attend scbool and lead by example. Anything less is not
acceptable. I told him its decision time. I didn't even know this kid but he was listening to me. I expected
him to tell me to go to hell but he didn't. He said okay I understand what I need to do now to make it.
I'm sure he has a very capable mother but I often step in as mommy to many.

I think for now that is it for traits that i am aware of. Now how about defenses:

1. Denial, projection, etc. I'll go into those another time...I am guilty of quite a few of them. They serve as protection of my very fragile self...very fragile. But at times, I'm not fragile at all. I could fight six people at once during the wild animal stage, my strength is quite amazing some have said. I feel like I could pick up a car. Normally thought I can barely open a can of vegetables. How odd is this?

January 17, 2012

Another one

Sagittarius Horoscope for January 17, 2012 Why ask why? Your quest for knowing all the answers all the time has led you to some rewarding experiences in the past, but right now it is leading you down a dead-end street. Obsessing about a certain mystery will only give that mystery too much power over you. Don't try to figure out why things are happening the way they're happening. Just roll with the punches and try to get comfortable with a bit of ambiguity -- it's a natural part of life.

This is what I need but don't have

sagittarius January 17, 2012

Click on the link

what a day it was today

My husband had to help me out of bed this morning. My back is killing me. The MRI found nothing remarkable. Its got to be the extra weight I'm carrying. Anyway, I woke up upset and then my therapist's office asked for me husband's number which triggered a flurry of activity.

My husband wouldn't answer my calls, the office at first didn't explain why they wanted my husband's number. It turns out its all about my suicidal feelings and some plans I started to make. My therapist just needed my husband's opinion which I signed off on and I'm fine with it. I don't need to know about their calls but the way today was handled sent me over the edge. I talked to my therapist and said that I don't want hospitalization it won't help anyway. My pdoc gets word of all of this and that is where I'm headed. My dad is coming in two days I was about to pack and leave out of town so they couldn't find me. Top this with all the pressure at work, and my weight is so central to my mental state. I want the surgery, I need the surgery, I am a candidate and feel like I'm now not entitled to it because I was honest about my suicidal feelings.

Honesty is an option I tell people I investigate at work this all the time, but in therapy it gets me in trouble. I only pushed my therapist last night because he doesn't talk about what I can do during times like this so I pushed him and laid out a plan. What else could he do but now involve my pdoc. I'm not 100% sure he did but if he did he was justified.

Some subjects are off limits in therapy after all. No talk of surgery, no talk of suicide, no talk of wanting and needing diet pills again to get this weight off. I'm so sad and depressed what do I do now? Who can I talk to? I don't want and will not get another therapist. I've known him six years and he's done a lot of good and I've made progress under him its this weight topic. I am having a hard time getting past the surgery decision. I basically have to lie about my entire health condition in order to get the gastric sleeve done. I wanted to go the honest way but that isn't possible now.

I've tried Jenny Craig its too expensive. I've tried shakes and tuna/crackers...got bored. I've been down the diet pill path. I have no energy for my trainer or the treadmill because of these drugs and the embolism. I get short of breath.

I feel so helpless...215lbs. Wow...never saw this coming. its mostly mid section I look 8 months pregnant and I used to feel sexy and now? I feel like a monster and ugly disgusting monster. I'm only 5'4". this is so sad even coming off of seroquel isn't going to help me drop 50lbs. It will take work real hard work. I don't see that in my future without a surgical option.

I just don't.

January 16, 2012

do I or don't I go tonight...

I'm already feeling over the edge, too many flooded emotions. I just saw my pdocs assistant. I'm surprised she could even follow everything I was saying I said so much. I'm worn out and lately I haven't left therapy in a good mood, I have gotten worse. Do I really need that today after everything else going on at work, at home, with my dad coming? No.
I'm lounging in my chair just wondering why not go climb in the truck, turn it on, take about 600mg of seroquel to fall asleep.I won't even feel a thing. Then it's over all of it. No more tears, no more broken promises, no more wondering if I'll ever find my true love (male or female) no more wondering and praying that I just get through the day.

Its simple, two pills, turn on the truck....go to sleep. there are too many conflicting thoughts in my head and I can't think straight, can't talk straight and honestly for the last fucking time, I don't want to be here anymore. No one is listening to me anyway.

My body image issues are first and foremost my biggest problem. I got on the pdoc's scale now I am 215. I told my therapist I'm inching up every week now. its simple psych client....just go to sleep...I'll never be what I once was she is gone forever. I see myself in the pictures from even a year ago and can't bond with who I was....

Relationship issue who will it be?

my horoscope for today

You're inclined to lightheartedly gloss over a significant relationship issue that arises today. You might believe that concentrating on a problem could actually make it worse. Unfortunately, avoiding your feelings now is more damaging to a relationship than directly facing the truth, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Be brave; slow down so you can dig into the juiciest material. If you do your emotional processing right away, you should feel a lot better tomorrow.

January 15, 2012

I need the parts of me to eiher agree or shut the hell up

I swear it isn't easy to go away, no matter how many pills I take I'm still here...what is a suicidal person to do? Now something is going on at work and I'm being pushed out of something because I know too much. Lovely. I just want to disappear. I wish I had a real session on Friday but no the traffic blew that one and I'm not worth another 25 minutes...see I'm seeing my therapist through evil glasses again.

I don't really mean that but this is what I'm talking about. There is no cure for me and my borderline selves and I say selves because there are too many different conflicting thoughts going through my head and I can't stop them, can't talk to him about them today and IT WON'T RESOLVE. No matter how much pushing away I do in my head they are still there. One says don't trust him, another says what are you talking about he's the only one here for you in the flesh, another says he's pushing my buttons on purpose so that I will feel these emotions and go insane without him here to help me.

who the fuck is right? I need help serious long term help. why did the traffic have to ruin my session when I really needed it? I couldn't even hear my therapist on my cell I had to keep asking him if he was still there. Is there a real me that says this is all nonsense what you are thinking is wrong, he loves you, he's here for you and asking him to wait is being demanding? I've never asked that before in six years but yes its demanding so there we are folks, I'm awful as a person, a patient that he should dump immediately because emotions are coming up whether he's pushing it or not its happening and there is no safety net....my dad will be here soon perhaps his timing is good...just in time for a funeral.

Now I ask any of you? Who thinks like this? I just took more seroquel I don't know what to do...I am sliding into the abyss where there is nothing but darkness. Where the hell is Aunt Helen...help me please...come to me in my dreams at least that has never happened. You sent me to him for help there is no doubt but did you realize what you were doing to me? How could you have there isn't a part of you that doesnt' love and care for me. Not one part. You just didn't realize that pain is part of this process and I've been hurt so much in my life that I can't take it aunt helen...I can't handle this kind of pain it isn't physical, that I can handle. I wish he'd hit me that I can handle. Instead he's far off into the distance and I can't remember his face right now. How fucking odd is this??????

Please someone tell me what is happening to me before I run off again and not return. Am I dissociative? we talked about it once and I don't know anything about this but I know I am conscious of my different parts. Actually, that isn't true my therapist said one session he was talking to a certain part of me and I said "she isn't available right now".

Who the fuck is she? why don't I remember her or this? How many times has this happened and I don't recall? I need to be hospitalized again damn it. I just know that is where I am headed. I can't handle therapy that is stupid and illogical right? He can't be supportive forever he has to push but I don't have a safety net only drugs. He's told me to take an extra Seroquel so I did just now...what is that going to do? Why are there so many other parts of me, who are not me? Does my pdoc know about this? He commented that is a part of me that is worried about what is written down about me and at any point I can ask him to read it back even his assistant. How does he know I have this part and yet I can't remember ever letting this on about myself. I hide these parts.

I know he hasn't talked to my therapist what the fuck did he see in the hospital? Whatever it was several people told me it was like the parting of the red sea when I emerged from my room for the first two days. I have no memory of this. Everyone was afraid of me. WHY??? What did I do or say?

I apparently called my therapist and demand that he pick me up and take me home that i wouldn't stay at the hospital. I called at night apparentlly. I would never ever do that consciously. I don't even know his cell number right this second without looking. My husband says I called him and got it. No memory again. No memory talking to my therapist at my house before the hospitalization. My doctor had tripled cymbalta that I remember. After that nothing until the third day of being in the hospital.

When my pdoc said welcome back as he was sitting on the edge of my bed with his laptop. He's a nice guy he saved me. I think. Now all I think about is dying because of how I look, how I feel.

There's more. My husband, son and I went to the mall a few weeks ago. I went down the escalator without any problem. He asked me are you over this going down the escalator thing? No, I'm not but somehow I did it and didn't even realize what he picked up on. why does this part of me come and go?

Crowds and escalators are a big problem for me. Crowds still is a problem but what happened with the escalator? I don't stay the same. Not long ago I was an addict now I can't even believe I took too many diet pills never did that before. Alcohol? I haven't even wanted to drink since July. I haven't had anything to drink without a thought process. I told that damn IOP I wasn't an alcoholic but they wouldn't believe me. They treated me like absolute shit and denied it to my therapist.

One of the reasons it didn't go well at the hospital the first time was because I wasn't nice to the girl who checked me in. She was antagonistic so i gave it back to her. This resulted in me not being able to have even a hair brush. I'm sorry I looked good back then and it bothered her. She commented on my expensive shoes etc. I went off on her. then my first pdoc tried to tell me my therapist wasn't helping me and he wanted to push another one on me. I went off again. So once I got the the IOP they hated me there. They all took turns triggering me and watching me react in various ways again with no safety net. I believe they even tried to set me up as a coke addict. My sample was compromised.

They didn't count on me getting my own results the very afternoon i was confronted with the test of lies. I proved them wrong so they had no choice but to void that record. I'm not a coke addict. This is all in the past now isn't it? It feels like it happened yesterday.

I want to call my therapist...but I can't. It isn't fair its his weekend. I'm falling apart into various pieces that all feel different and I don't know what to do about it? He knows what to do he always does. Instead I'm just going to take more seroquel until I pass out.

I need the different sides of me to shut the hell up once and for all. Just shut the hell up.

January 14, 2012

so it didn't work last night...maybe tonight then

I took a good amount of medicine to fall asleep for a long time but no. Still woke up to see another day. Called the suicide hotline but I was drugged up on Seroquel probably didn't make any sense. I do remember him saying write down five good things about myself.

Um, if I thought there was one good thing about myself would I be writing this post? drugging myself? hoping I never wake up again?
Nope. I guess they have some script or something I'll never call them again. Just need to get it done...I'm sure this is looked at by some as attention seeking since I'm posting about it and then I survive the next day. I'm looking for peace not attention. Nice quiet peace with someone who loves me...aunt helen. Please if there is a God, let me go to her once and for all.

I've prepared, I took my son shopping tonight to get his favorite toy for getting a good score in hia advanced reading. We had a nice dinner, the family photos have been taken at JCPenney's....the videos are made. I'm almost there....

January 13, 2012

so angry so suicidal so sick of it

I am about to take my medicine like a good compliant fucking patient. There will be too much of it and I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I really do...please let that happen tonight. There is so much anger in me right now I could pick up this fucking house I feel like. Hopefully, a long long long good night forever.

I have all of the below so its time to go.......................

• Threatening to hurt or kill oneself or talking about wanting to hurt or kill oneself

• Looking for ways to kill oneself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means

• Talking or writing about death, dying, or suicide when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person

• Feeling hopeless

• Feeling rage or uncontrolled anger or seeking revenge

• Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities - seemingly without thinking

• Feeling trapped - like there's no way out

• Increasing alcohol or drug use

• Withdrawing from friends, family, and society

• Feeling anxious, agitated, or unable to sleep or sleeping all the time

• Experiencing dramatic mood changes

• Seeing no reason for living or having no sense of purpose in life


What therapy I'm in hell and sitting here with extreme emotions that are bound to leave me in a bad situation as I struggle trying to deal with disappointment and sadness. Of course, I will not handle it well because I doing know what to do except go over the deep end.

My husband won't be home all weekend this is the time to make a move.

There is nothing left to decide or do. Tomorrow I will go to the bank and leave my video message and a note. Of they care to listen to it fine or not that is fine too. I need to send a message to my family, the helping profession, and the rest of the borderlines who are suffering like me.

Maybe then we'll be taken more seriously maybe then things will change for the better. If I can help others to learn to survive by my not being here anymore then it will be worth the effort. Doctors hate us don't want to deal with us and wish we would disappear.... Okay then lets see how this will be taken. Most likely they will blame me, the illness, etc. I hope though that I will send the right message so the rest of you can heal and recover. I pray that is the outcome my friends

January 12, 2012

Overdose or not

I feel like doing this right now. I can't have my weight loss surgery so why not do the very thing that ruined my chance?
Its over no surgeon will touch me too many health problems to much honesty and I want the pain of being this ugly monster to be killed. Besides I am nothing but trouble for everyone who knows me.
I just need to wait until my husband and son are out of the house and I'm sure they will be gone for hours.
Now I have a plan just need to execute it

January 11, 2012

People are not who they portray to be

the challenge is spotting them early enough before they destroy you. I have trouble with this but not anymore

January 9, 2012

Liar, liar....

If its one thing that drives me insane it's being lied to or lead astray. a supposed friend violated me I shouldn't have trusted her not one bit. I didn't listen to others when they warned me. I had good intentions, I treated her like a sister, a sister I've always wanted and never had. I never will have either. Lost a best friend of almost 30 years and now I've been taken and my family put in jeopardy. That isn't all of it though...there's more.

For almost a year or so I was supported for weight loss surgery until I was HONEST about suicidal feelings. I trusted that what I was telling wouldn't hurt me but it did, it's being used against me now. I've had two hospitalizations so my therapist has abandoned me on the weight loss surgery. My biggest issue is body image it goes right along with my suicidal feelings. I tried the diet he put me on that was positive I just had a hard time sticking to it. I did start to lose weight though. Broken promises leaving me in pieces again. I've had these feelings since childhood it means absolutely NOTHING. It will improve exponentially when my weight issue is taken care of. He pushed me along with Seroquel which has made me into a fat freak but now won't support me in the one quest I need to go on to lose weight and be happy. He wants me to be happy but on his terms. His way but not listening to me AT ALL. I know myself better than him. I won't be suicidal after the surgery I will be HAPPY, FUCKING HAPPY.

So, he tells me to seek out other doctors, don't mention him...abandoned once again. Okay then I'll do it my way and if I get hurt in the process so be it. I was ready to be honest totally honest with the surgeon and lay everything out on the table...no lies.

I'm on my own he's all about liability now I suppose. Most doctors are right? Think of themselves only. No problem then I will do this on my own and find my own surgeon who will do it. There out there just waiting. I can't afford to wait until I hit 220 damn it. How would he like taking these medications and being given hope only to have it taken away. He wouldn't like it. this doesn't build trust it destroys trust with me when I'm led on like this. I went and got help for my diet pill problem, also being used against me now. I trusted him to hear the truth and still support me. But no...that's over now. He doesn't trust me either is what that means. How we move forward now I'll never know. Anyone who gets in the way of me taking care of my weight problem is not someone I want on my team. God damn it why do I fall for this shit? Be honest, tell me everything don't hold back....but wait...I'll use it against you when it suits me. I got off the pills but am not given any credit for this. None at all.

I'm devastated but have to move to action now. I will search out my own doctor and he can sleep at night. My dad's coming soon...out here to "choke" me for being taken in by my friend...my daughter my joy....my bullshit. I'm so hurt right now I can't see straight. Gotta watch us borderlines can't be trusted, we are liabilities, no good...bad....attention seeking...needy. I told him tonight quite defensively no problem...don't do anything for me anymore. I'll take care of myself. It hurt to say that but I was pushed into it.

I'm tired of talking, trusting, hoping, and waiting for true support that will never come. I'm labeled borderline and that means run for the hills for most doctors. They laugh at us, they write about us as if they understand, they make judgments and sit on their high horse while I lay destroyed. I'm not loved or cared for I'm a liability how is it possible to love and care for such a person like me? Fucking whatever.

I'm going to pursue the gastic sleeve at all costs full speed ahead. My body, my risk. It didn't have to be this way. It could've been done right. Now I'll be lucky to survive the procedure. Someone someday owes my son an explanation about why his mother is no longer aroundd because that is who everyone is playing with. My son's mother. She isn't availablle right now only the part of me that wants a normal body that I am being denied.

I am in pain intense emotional pain right now...yeah I'm being helped. Who exactly is being helped? what part of me? none.
Aunt Helen I love you more than me or anyone else. Watch over me others have given up on me. I love you

January 8, 2012

Depressed and miserable

I can't do anything right not even as a mother I just sit in my room and don't even play with my little boy what kind of horrible mother am i? I don't deserve him and he deserves better me.

I just wish I could fade to black.... Gone forever

January 7, 2012

No friend at all

A supposed friend of mine orchestrated a make believe potential burglary to try and scare me yesterday. I can't prove it but I got her to admit she set up her boyfriend and now he's on jail for trying to break into her apartment again yesterday.

I met this girl while in treatment and have helped her financially and been there for her on ways that I normally would be more careful. Now I need to back out of this false friendship and have more scars that need to heal. My therapist knew she was trouble and on some level so did I but now its obvious she sent someone to my house to either scare me or to make her situation more believable.

Now an officer is calling me on her end to confirm details about a night we were out with our kids.

I think she set up her own burglary and used me as an alibi. I really did not need this on top of everything I've already lost financially.

Another lesson learned from another female friend.

Thats it... No more looking for friends I'm better off alone. I was vulnerable to this because I feel so alone all the time but I'd rather be alone than have this happen with my family in jeopardy.

I took my topamax today the pharmacy ended up filling it after all and I need something because my seizures are back. I took 100g and already tonight feel slightly suicidal.

I'm inclined to put up with it though its the only medicine that is supposed to cause weight loss and I'm desperate.

Besides I forgot to call my neurologist about  a new medicine and I need to drive.... Damn it  maybe these feelings will subside or I'll just have to deal.... I'm over 200 and can't take out anymore....

January 3, 2012

desperate for your guidance

The woman I feel is my real momma, aunt helen. I need you tonight to guide my thoughts. I lost someone, or a part of someone tonight as a friend. He views parts of our relationship as a mistake. He cited some ways in which I've been hurt. It wasn't the kind of comment I was expecting totally but somewheree deep inside me, I've always known he would tell me what he did tonight.

I feared it and it happened and it happened because I'm not normal in certain circumstances. If I could've just been normal and shown normal reactions to certain situations, I wouldn't be sitting here tonight desperate for your guidance. But I couldn't do that and once again someone regrets being a friend of mine. I lost something huge is my perception but I'm going to try and move on from it. Its how he feels, he owns those feelings and I can't change them. the abandonment button has been hit even though I hoped it wouldn't. I just wish you were here to hold me and tell me its okay that I still have you. Maybe I wouldn't be crying at all right now I'd be happy. But you're not here and never will be again...until we meet again.

Where do I go from here now? Part of me says shut up your not medically stable yet to analyze any of this but he thought I was ready to hear it so I've heard it. It can never be erased, modified, or even forgotten.

I've not regretted anything about our friendship. Should I regret it? I don't. I never did but he does that all that matters now. So somehow I'm supposed to function tomorrow. I hope this new drug works but I have doubts about it. Nothing will heal the deepest wound I have and thats the realization that I am alone but from time to time have friends. Eventually, they leave me...some slowly, some abruptly, it doesn't matter they go.

Lets face it, I'm a borderline who is needy, lonely, chronically suicidal or I'm enraged and become someone else. Somewhere there is me I guess but I'm not in touch with her. I have to face yet another tragedy...but now? I tried not to even type this post. But its here that I come to talk to you too. Its not just about me. I get to write to you and hope somehow you read it. Why do you never enter any of my dreams? Not even one? where are you? I need you to tell me how to fix this if it can be fixed.

I need to go to bed but I'm afraid to...because I know you won't enter my dream and explain this to me. If you had lived longer, I wouldn't be this false person I am today. I'd have friends perhaps and maybe wouldn't have lost what I did tonight. I'm turning my comment section off on this post. I can't handle any comments right now. Its all I can do to just try and go to bed.

I am supposed to find new doctors tomorrow that was one goal and now I don't want to bother. I haven't had a PT test in two weeks. I had a thyroid test but don't know the result because I want to change family doctors. I'm supposed to call my neurologist tomorrow for a new drug...but I think I'll let that one go. I don't need it. No embolism doctor either. Who cares what happens now...not me.

January 2, 2012

topamax, weight, and no solutions

Well coming off of this drug cold turkey was hard but now that I have, unless this is temporary, I feel much better emotionally. Perhaps this is what was making my suicidal feelings much worse. I had a horrible morning but it passed. I almost went back to bed and left a message resigning from my job because I was unable to prepare for the meeting due to coming off the drug.

Epiepsy or not I'm not so sure I want another mood stabilizer. I'm afraid I'll have a set back. If this good feeling lasts, I'm not so sure yet that it will because I've been down so low for so long, this could just be my bipolar returning...its happened before. How can I all of the sudden feel so good?? I don't trust that feeling because its all of the sudden and I don't have a mood stabilizer in me right now.

The type of epilepsy I have isn't convulsions anyway...its staring for seconds not minutes. I don't feel any confusion right now and the most recent EEG showed no seizure activity. So, perhaps I can forego this type of drug. Next is Seroquel...that one has to go big time. So I will feel bad for about a week or so then that's it. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.

But there is bad news...while typing this post I just had to view our family photos....

we took family photos yesterday at JCPenney's...I look even worse than I see in my own mirrors. We didn't have the best photographer helping us shift around but honestly how much shifting can be done when I weigh 210lbs. I had started with a trainer but was unable to go Thursday night due to the drug withdrawal. He doesnt' do weekends only Monday-Friday. I can't afford much of the monthly plans and just want to go $25 per session but honestly I am so discouraged. I need to do something drastic but what is left to do? I was already addicted to diet pills that got me nowhere.

Weight loss surgery is the only thing left but with my embolism I won't get clearance I bet. I would have to be completely dishonest about my health. If I have a surgery without telling them I'm on coumadin or that I'm prone to clots and now embolisms that could be bad....or hey that could be just what I'm looking for...now there's an ending I can handle. See, I just saw those photos and now the suicidal feelings are much much worse. I can handle how I look and that other people are seeing me like this.

I guess these family photos were a rotten idea. I just felt bad because we haven't kept up with this since my son was born we've only done them a few times. I've got to think there has to be a way to get at least 20lbs off fast...there has to be.

Topamax was supposed to help with weight loss. So many people I read about lost weight...not me. Not even a pound. My options are closing in worse than ever. I've told most people close to me that I won't live this way and I mean it...but yet I fail to take the fatal step I need to not live in this world anymore. Where is my courage. These photos should be all I need to take that step.

January 1, 2012

treatment team and BPD

So in between spending time with my son, I read something about when someone has BPD and I happen to have more than that, there should be a treatment team. Well, that implies that professionals want to do that number one, and number two who do I assessmble this team?

I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday at lunch and I'm going to approach him about this. Perhaps he should be in charge of me officially if that is what is done. I so far really like him. He's very nice and he listens, doesn't interrupt. He did say something interesting to me last time we met. He said I know that part of your issue is what others are documenting about you in your medical files.

He said that at any point that I want to see my file, have it read to me or have a copy of it, that I should fee comfortable to make that request. I'm not sure other than my former p-doc who would have told him that about me but I'll tell you this. I was very impressed that he brought it up and addressed it from the beginningg. He said both himself and his nurse practictioner will tell me what they write in my fie if I am interested just to ask.

I was so shocked at the kind way that he said it in and that he even brought it up was amazing. That's the mark of a good doctor in my mind. Open and honest from the beginning. We have such a short time together that I was glad that mentioned it and I didn'thave to say anything. I wonder what his thougths will be on what took place this week.

I definitely need treatment leader on this side while I fix my physical side. I think my psychiatrist is just the man to do it. But of course that is his choice so we'll see what he says. I just know that medically I am overwhelmed and he is a calming personality. I still have to work on a new family doctor, new hematologist, new embolist...I haven't had my coumadin blood tests timely so I have no idea what my level is. I am behind on everything and with this new medication shit....its held me back.

Personal training part two

Okay so due to the medication issue I didn't feel well enough to go to Thursdays session. My trainer is also my massage therapist for my back problems. He keeps on me with texts. He understood my dilemma this week so far but I really want to continue this.

I think it's only 25$ per session. I need to try and he is perfect for me. He stays in touch with texts asks how I am feeling even said happy new year yesterday. This is the kind of caring I need. I realize its income for him but its more than that. He has really lowered his prices for me with the massages and training.

He sent me texts the whole time I was on disability for four months.

He's not pushy he just says hello how are you etc.

Once I am with him he gives me his entire attention. I embarrassed myself last time by breaking down about my appearance. He was so good with me and said we all have challenges that seem insurmountable but with focus on my goal and his plan he can help me reach my goal of becoming the girl I once was.

He has experience working with men and women who take medications that put weight on us. He knows what wet go through emotionally. Perhaps this might work for me and I share this with all of you because even though we lose motivation this just might work my friends. If it ends up working for me and I'm impossible when it comes to sticking to something it could work for some of you who feel drugs for your condition have wrecked your body.

What I most that I am getting from this trainer is his contact here and there telling me not to give up he truly cares about people and it shows.  I just hope my mood doesn't ruin it for tomorrow.