December 13, 2012


where are you? certainly not in my dreams


I don't know how many people are into jewlery parties, passion parties or party lite. I love buying anything. now I'm having a jewlery party and none of the people I supported are coming to mine. It is close to the holidays so maybe that's it but maybe if I have a passion party they will come. they are more fun. Anyone experience this?

August 31, 2012

can I really do this

my horoscope says to drop the long term thoughts of my career, yet as we speak there is a woman destroying my department or trying to convince the board to out source my group.

with no thought of me or my employees who were just hired and are counting on me coming back and having a good job.

I swear the evil in this woman knows no bounds. only my therapist can stop me from returning to that place with some logic. because I have such a strong fighter instinct if the board decides to give me more time, I know I will go right back there and fight for my department, my employees, and my hard work turning the department around. I've been there five years, three of which in the director role.

then when I thought I had it tough enough with difficult employees that needed to be terminated came a spider on the body of a chief financial officer.

she roped me on the first year like a predator finding my weak spots and filling temporarily filling those needs. then when I wouldn't carry out her agenda against others well that was the end if the honeymoon phase.

she withheld information from me, cut my staff by two and left me over worked, stressed, and I reached for pills to deal with not sleeping because I was working too much plus I had a dress to squeeze into.

she trashed my reputation with upper management but that didn't work. they hated her too. none of us knew she had a hit list and since she told me who they were, and they are good people. I was added to the hit list.

this is my second time on leave last year it had to do with her mostly. this year somewhat but I'm having serious medical problems. and what is she focused on? making sure I have nothing to come back to or at a minimum talk the board into getting rid of me.

I can't comprehend people like her. I need to write that book on bullying not just what I went through in school but at various jobs twice now both high powered women who survive and I either leave or will be fired because I'm not better yet.

if she outsources my group I will sue her civilly for the hostile work environment that everyone knew was going on, a false allegation she made against me, how she didn't lose her job over a 3 million dollar mistake etc.

I won't sue my employers because she's too good at this, they don't realize what she's doing. I need to talk to the board president he needs to hear my version. I'm all about the truth, bring her in the room lets get this going before its too late.

August 30, 2012


I love you show me somehow you know this. Aunt Helen does all the time why not you? even in death I'm not worth it?

August 26, 2012

about my mom

what will never be said, what will never be fixed, and what will never be forgotten. we both made mistakes but I was supposed to be the child. your first born at 908 pm. I was reading your old texts today and you did try to get through to me but it only took one little comment from you and I backed off again.

there is a picture of you and my brother at his wedding you gazing into his eyes with tears of joy, happiness, or maybe you knew that was your last dance and you would never see his children. I don't know what was in your mind at that moment but you never looked at me that way just like you said in your email, I am jealous because of how you look at him.

no mom, its the daily abuse that I received growing up that bothered me. I lost hope long ago for you to look at me lovingly. why bother the only one who does that now is my son. I've broken the cycle of abuse, as for my fate that depends on whether what I'm doing is going to kill me or not.

August 16, 2012


my liver enzymes are very high doctor said yesterday they have been higher. my primary doctor never told me. I saw an endocrinologist today.

found out I probably will be terminated from my job. one off my employees was questioned about me, her, and if she was behind. its the only way they can terminate me if she can't handle the department which she can I hired the best person to take my place. I'm still sick do I can't return, I've been crying for my mommy every day.

if only I could have one more chance I would have brought her out here like she asked, instead, I turned my back on her. now all I have is a small urn to hold which I do every day asking her to forgive me. why should she? I couldn't do it for her.

I just had to be right instead pig opening my heart to her. I should never be forgiven. no matter what she did, she needed her first child to take over and take care of her.  I'm so sorry mommy

maybe this three month mystery illness is God's way of punishing me. I deserve it all of it. I failed her

August 8, 2012

lets face facts

my husband no longer has my large salary its time for him to get a better paying job and take care off his wife. I went from the hard making bread winner to disability both physical and mental.
he can make double what her makes and I'll have to do my part best I can with my son if he travels or work long hours.
my therapist didn't seem interested in helping me but I may have heard him wrong now I need a letter from my primary doctor to beg my job to renew another if that is a no then I lose my job and disability and wait forever for social security to deny me then appeal, might have to hire a lawyer in fact
this could mean long periods if no money on my end.
he got mad when  i questioned his manhood he said.

he also said in sickness and health but only meant health apparently. he's so smart he can double his salary but instead walked out the door on his sick wife.
great guy eh?

everyone can fuck off today enough said

August 4, 2012

watching less than zero

that 80's movie, I identify with it. I just heard from my very first crush before Jimmy. his name is Tony and we were neighbors for like twenty years our dads were best friends and wanted Tony and I to someday marry.
but as has happened in every case with all my exboyfriends he married a blonde near where his mom lived. we hung out on weekends as kids two years apart I was older we would make out in his fathers basement out of my dads vision which was no easy task. I thought when I was 12 when I met Tony I would die without him.
two years later I really meet the guy I still wait for at 42 years if age. sadly, I think we want to be together but are married with kids to others.
my biggest loss as guys go we vow friendship forever, if he only knew what I go through to forget the pain of us not being together. no matter which state I run away from him to, my heart is his.

there are other movies that explain us. sweet home Alabama and especially this other movie I can't remember the title to from the 80 s gene was Jimmy and I was the other girl with the controlling boyfriend but one look, it was gene she wanted it could be our life story. John Travolta s wife was in it.... what is the name of that movie??

July 7, 2012

I'm done....

I'm not reaching out to my dad or brother anymore. they can have each other without me. I'm writing letters to them and others to be sent upon my death. I will have the last and final word. I already made two videos one more to come. before I die, those will be public on you tube. I've had enough pain and suffering to last my lifetime and soon the whole world will here from me. how invalidated I've been. how much of a burden I've been not worthy to many denied happiness at two jobs because of an evil woman. they both still have their jobs if course. I could go on but there will be names listed, my abusers....

something I do all the time

Sagittarius horoscope for Jul 7 2012 by DailyHoroscope (

July 6, 2012

still detached

I'm losing almost everything again. my job, friends, my mom, my brother, and probably my dad if he is my dad. I'm a burden to everyone so thats probably why. I have to start this iop on Monday and I'm still sick with a low fever and painful body aches in the morning. its five days a week and 9-12. my therapist said I could cut back from our three times per week. I'll think it over and see. its time to pull away from the ones I love. they don't want me anyway. I add nothing to their lives at all. I'm lost... forever

July 3, 2012


I'm feeling detached from others. the need to pull away, its protection for me something that keeps me emotionally safe. things change in life, people die, friends leave, nothing I do ever fills those voids so being detached its all there is other wise, I'll really spin out of control not this time, no more

June 27, 2012

pain continues

my primary doctor refused my pain medicine refill! I'm pissed. not only do I have some unknown infectious disease my injured right elbow still hurts. I went to the specialist he recommended the jerk wouldn't do an MRI to see if there is a hairline fracture that the XRay didn't pick up. said it was too expensive. thats my call my insurance is good very good. I don't need referrals or permission for anything really. being in the hospital on two different days since to find out what I have is expensive. I'm at this doctors office right now for a blood test I plan to find out why it was denied. I hate the back up doctor who had me in tears at the hospital as it is I'm fuming!

June 25, 2012

I want to give up

It's all too much pressure. Health problems unidentified, mental health problems identified and causing major problems for me. All sorts of disability paperwork overwhelming me for a measly 1,700 a month when I'm used to 4,400 a month in salary.

Everything I worked so hard all my life for going down the drain. Working three jobs, putting myself through school, graduating magna cum laude even though it took ten years, getting a certification, rising at work all being taken apart piece by piece.

Doctors who are insanely rude and insensitive. I don't do well with people like this. Judgements without knowing me at all. Taking a vulnerable person further into the depths of despair.

Loss and regrets over my mothers death. I still send her text messages very surprising to me. No she doesn't respond her phone will be turned off someday soon I'm sure. Trying to handle her estate because my brother the sunshine child can't do it.

My husband getting close to being over it with all of my problems. I can't even function as a proper mother. Any chance this unidentified bacteria could kill me and get it over with? I'm a burden to my husband and son. Truly at this point a burden. More guilt but what can I do about it?

I have no quality of life and no motivation right now to get it back. Why not just stop the presses, the doctors, the tests and let whatever happens just happen. Sounds good to me after all I'm just a borderline taking up space for a healthy person in my mind. I'm worth zero at this point. My only caring people in my life are paid professionals without that they wouldn't see me or even try. I'm pathetic.

June 23, 2012

bad day

so here I am at the hospital, finally trying to get some answers to having a low grade fever for over a month, body aches etc. two doctors had me in tears. it was more the second doctor, my primary care doctors back up. I finally worked up the courage to point out the scars I'm trying hard to heal them but because I have this unknown fever of origin and were looking for answers I told him because of the solution I'm using to heal them. so this guy says why did you do it for attention, you were angry... I burst into tears and said no mother died it was the day of the viewing and he cut me off and said okay if your ultrasound goes well we will release you. attention? fuck off is what I should have said. see where honesty gets me? more pain and tears on top of my other issues. he just set me back today at my sickest moment hope he feels better about himself

June 18, 2012

I'm sad today

I feel do empty now that my mom is gone. I thought I hated her and despised her and have valid reasons for it but in the end all I have are regrets that I hurt my dying mother. I did try to work it out but she couldn't do her part. I should have let it go my pain is twice as bad now.

June 9, 2012

if only I could do this

I love taking care of others because for most if my life, the love or caring isn't returned. but then again I'm not being helpful to gain from it
all I ask from anyone I give my full friendship to is try and care about me just a little bit? how sad

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if only I could do this

I love taking care of others because for most if my life, the love or caring isn't returned. but then again I'm not being helpful to gain from it
all I ask from anyone I give my full friendship to is try and care about me just a little bit? how sad

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June 5, 2012

just more pain

I read these daily scopes hoping they will jump start me into letting go of resentments, and recently I realized that I am not only suffering the loss of a complicated mother but my brother as well. events occurred the day of her viewing that should not have happened. I apologized for my part, he didn't. he doesn't even respond to me while I'm trying to wrap up mom's affairs. he just left this all on me as sick as I am... do I'm suffering another loss that I didn't realize I never had.

I don't think I'll make it this time. if he abandons me I'm done.

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June 1, 2012

this is probably about my mom

she is the regret that I am suffering from and I can't seem to stop crying over her death and even though our final conversation was positive we didn't resolve the past. she was a borderline mother, I also have these traits and bipolar, and a drug problem. so did she... its sad I couldn't break through to her or her to me. this is a devastating disorder

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May 24, 2012

I become a monster

I said things about my brother I don't mean. I've loved him and still do since the day he came home from the hospital.
I forgive him but not myself there has been enough anger and rage lasting a lifetime.

May 23, 2012

possibility who knows

Sagittarius May 23 2012
The people we know best - our families and the friends we've grown up with - are the most vulnerable to us. We understand where they're coming from. We can see through their frailties and we recognize their strengths. We get their subtle jokes and we know their secret aspirations. All too often, though, we use this deep knowledge in a negative way. Instead of using your place in someone's life to knock them down, use it to strengthen your bond. If you can form a united front, you will all benefit immensely from your union.
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May 22, 2012

consequences and the finality of them

Failure. I failed again I usually do fail but until the past few years I haven't been able to shake a few bad habits. More than a few. Add to this the resentment I continue to hold on to like a life line. I'mn not normal. My brain doesn't work right I need medications to function and heal and then there are others....those are the bad ones but I can't shake them.

Maybe part of me wants to die, the right combination at the wrong time. But my son, my love what will he do? Suffer like I am now? I was out of town for a week and he acted out at school. He said he is sad when I'm not around, he loves me, I love him but something is in the way major mental health issues, old and new resentments. I turn into someone or several someone's that are horribe. Say horrible things. My brother the latest target. I never saw that coming. Never. He doesn't need me anymore anyway. He has a perfectly great wife.

He also has a very loyal father. I however have neither of these things. I have to pay for someone to pay attention to me. There are two in my life one is special my therapist, the other is a friend with benefits and not all of them healthy. He says he likes taking care of me and I need that right now. But I pay him too for spa services. Lonely life I lead but its okay I don't need friends that go away anyway or aren't there for me. They have their own fulfilling lives, I'm jealous but not to the point that its envy or ugly. Its just sad and painful.

I am thinking of leaving with my son for another mommy and son weekend. We had fun and he likes the hotels I pick. I want good memories for him of me and him having fun. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. Either by accident, fate, or personal intervention.

I'm destined to turn out like my mother, its a fact now. I have to end the cycle. I can't focus on work anymore and I don't want to. I don't want to feel or cause any more pain for anyone. First on the list my son. He deserves and will get better. His mommy will always be with him. Always.

I also talk too much and again this may backfire on me...but at least I have an exit plan this time if it happens again.

May 19, 2012

I don't care anymore

if anyone loves me, likes me, doesn't want to hear me anymore, or ever wants to see me again.
plan is in motion. I love my son with all that I have in me to love I hope you understand mommy did all I

May 17, 2012


Thursday, May 17, 2012 (Scorpio - Third Decanate) Don't mope around

loss, loyalty, and lies

my mom passed its complicated. she has borderline personality disorder as I do. we just have different parts of it. she continued a cycle of abuse, I broke it. my son runs me for now the little turkey.

my reaction has been a nightmare for me and my brother and his wife. my mom was a substance abuser. when I say there were pills every where I do mean it. hundreds of them. it was to much for me. I have a similar issue and although I was able to throw out much if it, i, on the day if her viewing took some extra pills combined with my meds.
later that night I asked my brother to help me get rid of them. I didn't get a chance to explain anything. he flew into a rage, didn't believe the empty bottles were the ones I threw out. he said turn them over or I call the cops. I already was giving them to him. I couldn't turn over what I flushed away. I did have a few bottles to the side of oxycodone. never tried it before but thought about it. once he mentioned the cops there was no way I was telling him about those two bottles.
he called 911 and hung up. I said they're coming anyway so I grabbed a knife sliced up my arm and was seconds from the carotid artery when he threw me apparently to the ground.
thinking I was facing 25 to life because of all my mom had there but was untouched dying was the only option. in my head I said goodbye to my seven year old and thought I had done it. my eyes popped open and I realized no I'm still here and the cops are coming.
all this because I asked for help? I had just seen my mom in a cardboard box not embalmed because they were going to cremate, and this happens.
I take blame for my part, my brother who I protected his whole life from her and anyone claims he was trying to scare me. my son was three seconds from losing his mother because my brother thought if he hung up 911 wasn't coming?
remember this is the same family that doesn't believe in my six years of therapy or any of my conditions.
my whole body hurts, my arm looks bad, I came to him to help me and this happens.
I take full responsibility for my part but he and I are done.
I want nothing more to do with him I don't care that he thinks he's a hero for saving my life. he put me at deaths door, he trapped me I saw no other way out.
he's spoiled, was the favorite and still is and my dad doesn't blame him for anything.
more later.

May 14, 2012

this is happening as we speak

my brother and I view my mom any minute and were fighting

Sagittarius May 14 2012
You and so-and-so have been going back and forth on a point of contention. You passionately express your side of the story, and then your adversary does the same with his/her side of the story. The problem is that there is probably a lot of pleading, shouting, and persuading going on, but no one is actually listening. That's no way to settle an argument, Sagittarius. If you really want to be fair, and you really want to be objective, then you will both have to agree to listen to the other person. Now doesn't that sound logical?
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May 12, 2012

will it work

my mom died I'm not ready to write yet but this seems to apply somehow

Sagittarius May 12 2012
You can certainly base your approach to a current problem with a solution you found for a similar problem in the past. But before you apply that solution, make sure it still fits. After all, the circumstances have changed dramatically - haven't they, Sagittarius? And, more importantly, YOU have changed dramatically. The old solution may not work very well with your current dilemma. But if you learn from the past, and you apply the wisdom you have now, you will succeed. Take your time to really think about the issue, and be creative.
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May 6, 2012

could be just fine

Sagittarius May 6 2012
You may be feeling nervous and worried about something that hasn't even happened, and may never happen. It isn't wise to expend good energy chasing bad thoughts. Think back to a time not long ago when you were equally anxious. You were certain that a problem would arise and cause you trouble, but it didn't. Think about all of the time and emotion you wasted on something that turned out pretty well. Don't give in to a sense of foreboding. Use your energy instead to propel a goal further, and take command of your thoughts. You are in control.
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May 5, 2012

someone is in my way

I know who it is too, she needs to step out of my way

Sagittarius May 5 2012
Someone or something is standing between you and what you want, Sagittarius. If it's a person who is blocking your path, he or she may be doing so just to get your attention. Give this individual your undivided focus, and you'll be able to work things out. But if something else is standing in your way, it's probably an issue from your past that you don't want to face it, but you will have to deal with it before going any farther. If you deal with it, you will kill two birds with one stone... you will unblock your path, and you'll free yourself of a burden that's been on your shoulders for too long.
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its never good enough

I'm trying so hard to lose weight. tracking almost everything I eat which has been eye opening. I can't seem to stick to 1,220 calories that my fitness pal says I should be at.
I exercise at least twice a well now for an hour at about 3.0 on the treadmill. I play with the incline going up and down from 1.0-2.0.
I am not feeling much on results. I'm not going over my calories more than 600 but its hurting my progress.
my therapist said to be more intense or something like that. I immediately felt like he was saying what I was doing wasn't good enough. I ended up skipping the gym last night I was so upset and had a small milkshake.
he's trying to be helpful but I'm difficult to talk to about my weight especially since I skipped therapy on Wednesday because I couldn't find a comfortable outfit to wear, got severely depressed, and went to bed.
I know stupid reason not to go. thats exactly when I need to go. he helped me become director, he can help me get this weight off but he's not willing to go the surgery route which is what is messing with my head right now. I've proven I can work out and do weight watchers but its not enough, never will be

April 29, 2012

I need to win this time its critical

Sagittarius Apr 29 2012
They say that it isn't whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. Who are "they" anyway, Sagittarius, and don't they know how important it is for you to win? You are intent on conquering a challenge, or beating someone at some kind of game right now. In fact, you probably feel that losing is not even an option. But that's a lot of pressure, and it may even be counter-productive. No one is trying to dampen your spirit for success, but you do need to pay attention to the purpose of your goal. If it's to make you happy, that's great. But if it's to beat someone else down, it's not. Tune in to a higher purpose.
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April 26, 2012

just face it

he's not mine, never will be mine, doesn't want to be mine. I love him with all that I am and all that I have.
he's with someone else, he's got two Kids, he's not leaving them. he was abandoned as a child, he vowed never to leave his my only question is why this all didn't happen with me instead of her. he doesn't love her, he's told me that, he's not been real direct with me but implied he made a mistake. we both made a big one.
he could have been mine but we made another permanent choice.
we can't undo it, we can't turn back time, we can't have a future either.
I rarely get what I need, very rarely.
others have friendships, lovers, are happy, look and feel good..
me I have none of those things. not really a pity party just my reality my very painful reality.
why did I talk to him today and try to press this deep conversation? maybe because I've been waiting and waiting for nothing.

April 25, 2012

better listen to this...

Sagittarius Apr 25 2012
Someone in your inner circle - someone you care about - is telling you that everything is okay. This person's demeanor and appearance may even suggest that it's true. And yet your sixth sense is telling you something altogether different. Being a forceful and assertive Sagittarius, you want to get to the bottom of it. You may be tempted to start asking questions. Even though you are probably right about what you're feeling, the timing is not right for delving into that person's personal emotions right now. Keep your thoughts to yourself until you are approached.
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April 24, 2012

maybe I'll call out tomorrow

Sagittarius Apr 24 2012
There are people who investigate and check and then recheck everything they do. A lot of people born under the sign of Sagittarius fit into that category. Sometimes you are such a control freak that you fail to have a good time because you spend so much energy making sure you haven't done anything incorrectly and that you aren't being taken advantage of. This week you will have the chance to do something strictly for fun. Don't worry about being judged, or measuring up. Just let go and be carefree. You deserve a break from perfection!
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April 22, 2012

can I just say I hate..

exercising and its because of the weight I am starting at. I gave up a weekend with my family because not one pair of jeans fit me right. I am on weight watchers but its slow and I still have the occasional binge eating issue.
I called my personal proud of even doing 40 minutes even though I'm practically dead at the end. he said I have to do a full hour.... nothing I do is ever good enough.
my calories need to come down but they are not as bad as they were.
I'm trying to change a lifetime of bad habits, survive this job be a wife and mother.
I'm failing at least I feel that way. so in addition to Saturday and Sunday I will go Tuesdays and Wednesday s afterwork. there is meeting Monday that I'm worried could end my job.
I shouldve seen my therapist and not backed out of sea world.
now I'm full of guilt and hate myself

April 19, 2012

I don't care

words that are hurtful when they are said to us by those we look to for help, friendship, possibly love.
recently, someone said this to me he's done it once before.
the context doesn't really matter what does matter is he really doesn't care what happens to me so why should i?
I care for people too much way too much... fuck em... let them fend for themselves like they do to me all the time.
just don't be fake and cry at my funeral and explain someday to my son why exactly you didn't care about his mother.
I need to make a mover and fast

isn't this the truth

Sagittarius Apr 19 2012
You are doing your best to make someone, or a group of people, happy. It has required you to do a very rigorous tap dance to maintain the peace, and that was your goal. However, internally you are probably agitated, upset, and maybe even resentful. You may feel like someone who has hosted a party, and worked so hard at making all the guests happy that you have forgotten to take some enjoyment from the party yourself. Stop worrying about pleasing everyone - it isn't possible anyway - and start pleasing yourself.
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April 17, 2012

lost in my head

right where I want to be. I can control my future my way despite others attempts at blocking me
I didn't realize the power within me until now. no one cares about what seroquel did to me more than me.
I'm alone in this fight and I will win it my way.
how dare my doctors deny me the same surgical technics available to others. I will find a way around this. probably end up being harmful because I'll have to take myself off coumadin I should be under a doctors care but that isn't possible now. I'm on my own may even have to pay without insurance thanks to one of my doctors saying I'm not a good candidate. that hurt the most.
I may need to quit therapy he's getting in my way and I'm so hurt right now, I still need him. this is my last run with therapy if this doesn't work then I try my own options and eventually death.
he shouldn't be around to see how this all turns out. I care about him too much. I'm so confused right now

April 16, 2012

this is so me...

Sagittarius Apr 16 2012
If you bring out the big guns to solve a small problem, you may cause more trouble or conflict than you are already dealing with. In fact, Sagittarius, a current problem isn't nearly as big or foreboding as you are probably imagining it to be. Your mind is amplifying the issue - most likely because of cosmic confusion in your sign that is causing you to feel agitated and restless. Find some activity to center yourself, and you'll begin to recognize that you really have nothing to worry about. So don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.
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April 14, 2012

exploring the darkest places of my mind...

I have to write this out. Its become an obsession and an obstacle to my healing process. Its about one woman in power, we are both in a power struggle at work. I have the most support, that should be enough to get me by and just do my job. Its not though because she has taken her hatred of me to a new level.

This workplace bully has told legal and HR that I am bullying her. Imagine my surprise on Friday to find this out. It was quickly and easily proven wrong when I demanded that she immediately bring these supposed emails and meet me in legal to discuss the matter. The lawyer began the conversation and bullying turned into "well, I feel like you are documenting me". So, against company policy she falsely accused me of bullying her. She admitted it with her responses and did not bring any emails to the meeting.

I work closely with general counsel and have five years of history at this company and have never in my career been accused of bullying anyone. General counsel thinks she's afraid of me because I must be getting close to something she is doing. She's controlling the external audit, feeding information to them to get others in trouble all the while keeping them out of her area. She is CFO, I am the Audit Director. We are not teenagers this is not high school but it sure does feel like it.

I was so enraged at her latest tactic. She can't get me on my work because I do my job, get along well with everyone and she can't stand it. She has one ally maybe two. She is part of the reason I was on disability and I may get to that place again because of her.

A huge part of me wanted to reach over and just slap the shit out of her as she lied that I am documenting her. I've reached out to her several times because we need each other at work to be successful and for the good of our company. And then she pulls this. The external audit was put on hold until my boss could return and this makes me nervous because the external firm wants to talk to the audit committee and believe me, they are on her side and and not objective at all. Independence does not exist between her and this firm. She wants me out and is trying to use this firm to accomplish this.

It shouldn't work but who knows. My staff was reduced, I was left with unskilled staff, not much work got done. But the tide has turned. I got my positions back, one a higher level I can now achieve what I could not before. I'm excited but at the same time afraid to lose my opportunity to show the Board who I really am. I had to fire two bad employees first and the third resigned, this has taken time but I'm so close now to success. She knows it and is acting now.

This woman isn't afraid of me or anyone. its an act, a tactic and pretty desperate one at that. But its all she has I guess. My emais are an open book go look, there is nothing there. She should be fired for lying about me. But I'd have to file a complaint so I'll talk to legal to see if this is wise to do at all.

This woman has told everyone at the executive level I'm no good, I don't know what I'm doing etc. Lies...lies...and more lies. All against policy we're a government agency. All I can do is leave but why should I? I have struggled my whole life to achieve what I have despite my mental health conditions. Its been hard, very hard...scary sometimes.

I feel like she is trying to destroy me. So as my post title says...I have a dark side too. If she triggers that I just don't know what will happen. I went and worked out today at the gym, I'm taking my medications. Thank the lord for Xanax XR. What a life saver. I don't want to ruin my life over this one person. I have a son who is way more important than she is. I feel like she is taking money from him by trying to get rid of me. He has some special needs and this is a trigger, a big one.

The truth is I have no idea what my future is. She's higher than me and has political connections. I don't. So who will they choose? Not me. I am slowly watching everything it took me so long to achieve be chopped into pieces by an evil woman and no one at work is stopping her. If they would just intervene, do something...anything....then I would feel better.

I'm not the only one she is targeting, there is a list mostly at the executive level. Moral is at an all time low. Please if there is a God....stop her and do it fast.

April 12, 2012

I hope so because I'm about to be fired

Sagittarius Apr 12 2012
You may feel that you have reached an impasse with a difficult person. You are probably in a situation that requires you to work as a member of a team with this individual, but he or she is very hard to deal with. If you are about to give up, give it some more time instead. You have made some very convincing points, and you are getting closer than you think to an agreement. Don't put the pressure on, and don't become frustrated. Just wait patiently and the other party will come around.
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April 8, 2012

it's easter and I'm obsessing about my weight

I'm trying to get all set up and ready to go on weight watchers online and use the mobile app. I took my measurements because I can track these too and almost fell apart ready to quit. This is not the time to quit but I'm sinking deeper into depression. I know its all part of the process but this is very hard work for me.

I have other problems going on at the same time. My job situation, my other medical problems, lack of a medicine to calm my anxiety appropriately which has resulted in me smoking more and damn it, I had almost quit completely. I hate this last psychiatrist who would not work with me on properly dosing that medication. He's harmed me to protect himself like many doctors do. Its so hard to find a good one who can treat all conditions a person has even when some of them compete with each other. This is why I am going back to a guy I used to see but had to wait for hours to see him. So what...shouldn't have left. He'll get me stable at least I hope he will.

He knows me as a patient I was with him over a year I believe so trust between us should be there.


Sagittarius Apr 8 2012
You may be feeling rather carefree these days, Sagittarius. You think of yourself as carefree in general, but others probably wouldn't agree with you. First of all, you have a powerful need to be in control. You are a planner and a take-charge kind of person. Many people see you as someone who likes to be a leader, and who gladly suffers the side effects of leadership. But today there really is a spring in your step and a sense of joyful abandon in your spirit. Keep this feeling alive so that you can call on it in the future whenever you need it.
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April 7, 2012

committed but frustrated

so I'm finally ready to enter the world of exercise. I renewed our Ymca membership, got ready just now and went and they just closed for the holiday.... bad luck charm again. now, I'm committed right? OK so I have a treadmill at home so use it. its the weights after that I was looking forward to.
unless I want to try mornings, the next time the Ymca is possible is Tuesday.
but I will not give up. on Friday, I walked with a friend for an hour it was very hard on me but he was willing to invest time in helping me get going so I need to stop rejecting his help.
its all mental for me I'm learning that has been holding me back. my body and its parts move just fine so what's the excuse?
it is hard to breathe, I get disoriented a little bit but I have to keep going, I just have to

April 6, 2012

I'm not ready yet...

Sagittarius Apr 6 2012
You may be avoiding a topic or a problem or a person that you imagine will cause you a big conflict or a lot of aggravation. But in avoiding this topic, problem, or person, you are going out of your way and missing out on other things that you might enjoy. Wouldn't it be wiser, Sagittarius, to just deal with what's bugging you and get it over with? Then you could move past it. The way things are now, you're just creating a whole new set of aggravations. A solution is so much easier than you're imagining.
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April 2, 2012

control... it better end tomorrow

I am still so mentally messed up from the last conversation with that narcissistic psychiatrist. not willing to help me function and that arrogant tone... of the bastard was in front of me I'd drop him in seconds.

my state of mind is so bad, I canceled my therapy session for the first time on years  tomorrow I have to see this arrogant bastard for my refills I don't want to see his smug face because one wrong word or more arrogance and he'll be sorry he fucked with me.

I should not have called him buti couldn't wait, I assumed he would help me but instead he rejected me and told me to take an over the counter medicine

he better have changed his mind when I get there tomorrow

what kind of session it ends up being is in his hands

I'm tired of doctors shutting my options down. my therapist even told my insurance that I'm not a good candidate for weight loss surgery.

so he's controlling me to. he had no right to get in my way of dealing with the amount of weight I need to lose

he was the biggest pusher of seroquel on me and now blocked an attempt for me to get the surgery paid for by insurance

the rage inside me right now is taking me to that dark place.

I will not tolerate being controlled by anyone and the next person who tries to is going down. I was doing better until that fucking psychiatrist wouldn't consider raising my night time dose off lorazepam or consider clonazepam. why doesn't anyone want to help me? ami that worthless? I'm not pm the right dose it's too low

I wonder if my therapist weighed in on this? probably did. he didn't like me being pm this medicine

okay boys bring it because I don't care anymore about what happens to ends tomorrow one way or another

March 31, 2012

being controlled by psychiatry

its time for an expose of how its virtually impossible to find someone who can, and is willing to treat all issues

I can't be the only patient that these doctors fuck around with who ha s more knowledge about me than me.

I called him this week because temazpam wasn't working floor the night time dose. all I asked him to consider going up to 2 mg at night and keep the small doses during the day.
he snapped at me saying I am not willing to do that lorazepam of addictive

I wanted so bad to say if i wanted it illegally you idiot I wouldn't call you.
his expert suggestion was melatonin for a night dose.

I wanted to fire him pm the spot but need my refills and then I'm off again in search of a good doctor that can deal with me a my complexity.

I'm convinced that finding a good pdoc in Texas will not happen.
I promise, I'll be dead soon because I can't take these Med changes or refusals to change one small dose

before I go will be a youtube video exposing all off these doctors their game playing and how I went from a decent size 10 to now a disgusting 18

just wait and see

March 24, 2012

desperate for one primary doctor

i'm not sure about anyon else but with my medica conditions,including menta health conditions, and trying to stay empoyed, I really ned a team captain or something. Here is my doctor list and I can't get to them all because of being on FMLA exhausting and that and unpaid time. I can get more time unpaid if I dislose under the American with Disabilities Act.

However, one major issue. Now by mental health business wll be formally documented and my CEO and Board will see it. So, picture X has a Diector over an important function, she reports to the Board nad CEO and oh by the way has bipolar, ADD, major depression, suicidal thoughts and urges at times. They will know what medicataions I take. Once I exercise my rights under ADA then they are entitled to have their doctors review me nd my records.

I'm not ashamed of my illnesses, I'm really not but the stigma is there.I'm developing another blog about this and may use my real nae on it I'm not sure. As a direcor, I keep an eye on my employees and their stress. I understand but can't tell them why. I overlook mistakes they make at times unles it big which is rare.

I want them healthy and often tell one of them to go home not stay so late. Like me, its his nature but health and well being must come first.

Now that you all know I take care of my employees here is what I can't get to for myself and wish one doctor could be in charge and help me make a case for more unpaid time to take care of the following.

1. New hemtologit
2. New pulmonary docto
3. Dentist need a crown and his occurs in multiple visits
4. I need more medical teting due to the embolism and blood clot history. Mean more CT cans and MRI's
5. Lets be honest I need do to another IOP and be engaged in the process and heal maybe even find out what i behind my binge eating.

I need to do genetic testing. Tested positive for lupus anticoagulant which makes me nervous and some A289C enzymye.

I already leave early for psychiatrist appoinments my therapists fit my schedule. I see a Neurologist but not too often and now have a very good family doctor but I'm not sure he could be a point person to help me identify any and all medical problems that could be causing blook clots and embolisims. I already colapased at work time i might not makei irr

I'm scared of living or dying that may not make sense. If this 220 pounds I weigh may be slightly less now due to weight watcher sicks around becaue its the medications and can't be heldped then its ECT or suicide. My aunt may years ago had what they called shock teatments she was never the same. I know its much improved today and I don't judge anyone for making their own informed choice. I say god bless you for working hard on yourself. I'm terrifed that Ill forge how to do my job or something like that

I already leave work once per week for INR coumadin and thank god I have my therapy and new psychiarist. But I'exhausted all time off because of my FMLA leave and unpaid day

I get docked if I call out which was so rare before mmental health issues and I work a lot of overtime. I refuse to ask for specia permission to work from home if Ic call out. Thats not fair to others without my issues.

So, I am waiting impatiently for July 1 to come around where all my time off hours come back! If I live that long . If another embolisum comes my fiest then its iights out.

March 22, 2012

sad, lonely, depressed

thats alli can say today. but there are ways to make oneself better even if it is wrong or might get me killed. there are ways

March 20, 2012

not a good person

today is a hard day for me. some days, I can almost see the light, other days, I'm back to old habits, trouble, don't treat people well. I don't seem to learn from past mistakes either..
I'm suffering inside, totally suffering. I've taken it out on my body and others.
I'm no good really, no good

body image

I wonder how much longer I can go on looking the way I do. my God I put on 40 pounds since last May.
I'm going to try with my personal trainer tonight but my husband scheduled someone to come to our house at 700 so it will be short and sweet tonight.
my back still hurts I'm not even sure I can do anything yet.
I did plan my lunches this week but honestly, those feelings are back about wanting to quit life.
its going to take a miracle to get 70 total pounds off of me long term.
that fucking seroquel needs a ban on it. I now have a thyroid problem too that isn't regulated yet.
I'm sure my therapist is sick and tired of hearing me go off about my body but I can't help it.
eat right and exercise is what I keep hearing. if it were only that simple for me.
accept myself the way I am now? never.
I'm also upset about my visit home sick and tired of fighting with my dad, his constant invalidating comments, no friends, a job I don't feel up to performing.... the list goes on.
I hate myself today

good advice today

I have a meeting with my boss so this is good advice today

Sagittarius Mar 20 2012
Don't show your hand today, Sagittarius. You are involved in a power struggle with someone who has a really good poker face. You may not be able to tell what this person has up his/her sleeve, so you will have to remain cautious when it comes to revealing any of your own secrets. If you play the game right, you will walk away a winner. You happen to be an expressive person, though, so this may be hard for you to pull off. Keep your eye on your goal, and keep reminding yourself that you need to be stealthy if you want to win.
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March 19, 2012

having a crappy day... I'll try

Sagittarius Mar 19 2012
Watch your temper today, Sagittarius - even if someone does something so outrageous it deserves an angry reaction. The more calm you remain and the more you keep your wits about you, the better chance you will have of getting through to someone who has wronged you or someone you love. In addition, if you remain cool and collected, you will impress someone else in your midst - either a child or someone who looks up to you in a childlike way - and imparting that kind of value lesson is priceless.
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March 16, 2012

I'll try...

Sagittarius Mar 16 2012
Someone you know has made a choice that you may not approve of. You have a very strong and outspoken personality, Sagittarius, and it's hard for you to not say what you're thinking. That's why some astrologers would describe you as being "tactless" at times. Actually, though, you aren't really so much tactless as you are forthright. But there is a time and a place for complete honesty and criticism, and this is not it. Allow your friend or loved one to discover for him/herself why the choice does or does not work, and stay out of it. Your acceptance will be appreciated.
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March 15, 2012

I'm about to leave in a blaze of glory

I hope by writing on my blog that I calm down. my dad and I are at a fever pitch right now.
if he invalidated in the past then what he's doing now is triple that.
just now we were in a stand off eye to eye and somehow I walked away.
I want to leave here tonight but my back is in such pain, I can't pack up and go like I did a few years ago.
I'm short of breath and I feel a panic attack coming on.
this is the dad I remember, the abusive one. well sorry dad, I have my own mind and its separate from yours.
I'm having dinner with my cousin and my dads crazy sister who doesn't believe in medicine or doctors when my back is as bad as it us now.
my cousin is coming to pick me up and my dad started yelling at me for putting him out. um, no he offered.
he expects me to drive on pain medication and with my back as bad as it is?
thats just the tip of the iceberg, he's been bitching all week art me.
there is some other reason who knows what it is.
I'm going to explode. and everyone around here wonders why I'm suicidal.
I can only hope for the end to come

of course I did it again

Sagittarius Mar 15 2012
You may have come to romanticize how a certain upcoming event will unfold. In the past you had a similar experience, and it didn't turn out as you planned. Have you done it again? Have you planned the whole thing out in your mind? If so, you may be setting yourself up for a disappointment. If something doesn't happen as you hope it will, that doesn't mean it isn't successful - unless you don't enjoy the moment. In the past, you may have done just that. But an upcoming event will offer you the opportunity to truly embrace the beauty of an experience. Don't cloud it up with preconceived expectations. Just treasure it as it happens.
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still in pain

I'm flying back home tomorrow and I can barely move. I'll have to get a wheel chair and I have my seven year old as well.
there is no way I can bend over and take our shoes off.
my dad is barely talking to me because I want to resign from my job due to health issues.
I have caused some financial problems for us and I'm trying to wait until its paid off.
if I can go back on disability and get healthy that would be best.
I was forced back to work too early and I collapsed a week later with an embolism.
if I ever hope to continue to work in the future, I need to properly heal both mentally and physically.
I used to be able to talk to my dad but not anymore. he shut me down do many times yesterday.
he doesn't want to hear about my problems anymore.
he actually said wait right here and grabbed a picture of me from when I married my second husband and said"where did this girl go" I was about 145 lbs and now I'm 217.
I know he was referring to my weight mostly but he then said that I used to be his strongest child and now.... then he didn't finish his sentence.
I can't wait to leave here I'm never moving back.

March 13, 2012

serious pain

I can't sleep I injured my sciatica on the left side I'm in excruciating pain and its 300 am.
I haven't been able to stay asleep since I got here. my new medicine helps but not with sleep and now I'm eating during the night because I wake up. could be the saphris damn it.
all of these fucking drugs cause weight gain in me, I just want to die and now that I injured myself I can't sleep or go for walks.
I am pissed off!
no sleep will set off my bipolar and then I'll really be pissed.

March 12, 2012

what made me go there

did I think I was going to be validated by my dad regarding my mental health? major rejection this morning about my conditions and how bipolar, add, and temporal lobe epilepsy are real.
he asked me if I am expecting him to change, he is proud to be so ignorant. he doesn't know me at all.
I was doing better until this conversation.
it started because I learned his sister my godmother is under a severe depression from my cousin and his wife. I told my cousin about my conditions and he said maybe I should talk to her because if he suggests depression she'll go through the roof.
what is it with my dad and his brothers and sisters? they are all alike afraid of the truth. its a sign of weakness in their minds and me and another cousin of mine are suffering because our parents refuse the truth and belittle us, invalidate us.
at the heart of me being borderline are two main issues rejection and abandonment.
I couldn't feel more rejected than I do now.
my dad is mad that we medicate our son for his add. well too bad.
he's on 5 mg of focalin and almost immediately his reading improved and he's in advanced reading now and he's in first grade.
I wasn't so lucky. held back in kindergarten I remember the teachers telling him I had fine motor skill issues and was developmentally not ready for first grade.
his response? there is nothing wrong with her.
so I suffered all through school, and college, and went from job to job always under my potential.
then finally diagnosed in my thirties for bipolar 2 and add. the epilepsy came later. my seizures are zoning out/ staring for 5-30 seconds.
my dad demanded my test results and now wants his own second opinion.
so the 30 minute eeg and then a 72 hour eeg I did at home isn't proof enough.
gladly, I handed him the documents and said go ahead knock yourself out.
he's going to look stupid and I bet he will keep going to doctors until he finds one who agrees with him.
he hates to be wrong.
I can feel myself slipping into suicidal thoughts again. its just that easy.

closer to my goal

Sagittarius Mar 12 2012
You are so close to a goal you can almost see it materializing in your hands, Sagittarius. But you're not there yet. Before you get too confident and you say or do something that could jeopardize all of your efforts, hold back. Think about what you still have to do. Think about all the work you've done to get where you are. That's not to say that you should think negatively, just be realistic. Don't start taking unnecessary risks. The stars say that you will find success if you are cautiously optimistic.
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March 11, 2012

feel at home

I feel at home right now. so far so good. saw my brother and his wife last night had a good time. today I'll see their new home it's ready they move in soon.
my cousin Bobby will be there too. they all want me to move back here. I'm not sure about it though. I tend to over romanticize situations act impulsively and get up and go without much thought.
its called running away and I'm famous for it. these are the times I need to ask myself what am I running from? who is involved? what am I not facing? fear is usually involved too. what am I afraid of? and why? I usually end up at the new place or familiar place and after the honeymoon wears off, I'm still depressed and usually hurting worse because I will then realize what I ran from and who. there is always a person involved. then I obsess daily about the person and stay stuck in the past again.
I need to try and process all of this before making any hasty decisions. thats a new concept for me.

March 10, 2012

jealousy or envy

I'm not sure what the difference is or which one is worse. I just know that at times I am jealous of some of the time.
I used to be jealous of career successes until three years ago when I achieved my own promotion at work. then the feeling went away. now I'm jealous of those who are not in charge of department watch what you ask for or wish for!
I'm jealous if anyone that can keep close friendships. I guess being borderline hurts me in this category.
I've pretty much lost all of my friends and acquaintances. I also haven't tried at new friendships. I'm not sure its worth it. the investment and then disappointment once they are gone. the problem is me. I get fed up with someone pretty quickly. or they get fed up with me.
I'm jealous of anyone in a loving relationship. I can still be happy for those of you who have someone.
my husband and I are friends more than lovers and I'm sad and lonely most of the time. I isolate myself and watch my direct TV shows to fill the space. I get lost in my soaps for example but know those relationships are just TV.
I could try and change my situation if I want to hurt my son. he is who keeps me in this marriage. it would tear him apart to choose between my husband and me. so I wonder how long can I live this way? I don't know is the only answer right now.
so I dwell on past relationships that were more loving and I get more depressed and more depressed.
what to do?
I'm not sure anyone else but my husband would put up with me. I wonder if we can ever find our way back to each other... I don't know that either.
more later while I wait for my late flight home.

throw a problem out with the trash

Sagittarius Mar 10 2012
You have a problem you haven't been able to figure out or conquer. You're probably in a state of frustration over this. But the real problem is most likely the way you think about the issue. You've become caught up in the idea that your problem is impossible to fix. Try this visualization technique: Create an image of your problem in your mind. Even if it's intangible, choose some image to represent it. Then lug your problem down to the curb. Go back inside the house, and picture the garbage truck coming along and collecting your problem. How do you feel now that it's gone? Visualization can help you to better identify and deal with whatever is bugging you.
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going home

hope to have a good week. I never can tell how things will go with my dad and me. the arguments start usually the next day.
he'll say where am I going, who with, gets in my business too much.
we'll see

March 9, 2012

I will know the truth soon

if you want answers go to the source I say... I can't help that I just need to see for myself that what I've been told is true. its all part of how I know whether or not I can trust someone.
I've invested so much of myself, told so much of myself that I need to know if I've been a fool.
trust is something I don't just give away and so much happened at the iop over the summer, I have questions that need answers.
question is what will I do if I get some answers that end up hurting me more?

I'm powerful... sure

Sagittarius Mar 9 2012
Something unfair happened to you recently, Sagittarius. There is no doubt that you weren't treated properly, or you didn't get what you earned. But don't allow yourself to feel like a victim. A victim is powerless to change anything, and you are anything but powerless. Before you give in to feelings of disillusion or worse - apathy - rev up your spirit. You are strong, motivated, and most of all - you are powerful. You can correct what went wrong if you keep your wits about you.
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March 8, 2012

daily scope

Thursday, March 8, 2012 Today's concentrating Virgo Full Moon squares your expansive sign, adding stress to an already tricky situation. There isn't much that you can do now to bridge the gulf between the practical details and your broad scope of thinking. Thankfully, the simple act of consciously paying attention to your feelings as they occur can help you navigate through the turmoil. But don't try to force dramatic change; it's enough to just acknowledge your needs to someone you trust.

still sick

I have way too many health issues to continue working. both physical and mental I don't know why I'm keeping myself at this job. doctors can't get my coumadin level right I could barely get out of bed this morning. I'm on new medications for the bipolar. saphris and Prozac. I'm familiar with Prozac but saphris is new and is supposed to be the new and improved seroquel. I hope so because i decompensate more each time we mess with medications.
somehow I'm supposed to work out after work. I don't see that happening..

March 7, 2012

I can only imagine what is said about me by others, nothing good regardless of my horoscope today.

Saggitarius Mar 7 2012
If you were invisible, you could listen in on conversations your friends, employers, and loved ones have about you. Then you would know how they really feel, wouldn't you? Actually, you might not know anyway, even if you have free access to hearing what they have to say. You may have overheard something someone said about you, and you think it was negative. But sometimes people say things just to hear themselves out. Sometimes their opinions change. And sometimes they say things in self defense. Don't worry about what you heard. You are respected and admired, and that will soon become very obvious.
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March 6, 2012

antipsychotics and weight gain

please lord is there one of these drugs that doesn't cause weight gain? why can't drug companies get this right? don't they understand that even though they help mentally in some if us they increase suicidal thoughts because of what they do to our body? tomorrow I plan to tell my psychiatrist no more antipsychotics because of this. I'll suffer in other ways I guess but seroquel may work but now I have a thyroid problem, weigh 214, and had a pulmonary embolism. if there is a lawsuit someday on seroquel I'll be joining it happily for the destruction of my body.


I work everyday with a master manipulator. she is so good at manipulating that others cannot see it coming. I didn't at first either.
I really have to force myself not to go after her with everything on me
I have enough problems of my own it just enrages me to even see her face. I try to avoid her because one day I won't be able to stop myself.
my therapist frequently says I'm looking for a fight and enjoy doing it.
he's right, I am looking for a fight and for some reason need a fight. its been building up for awhile now..
question is can I control myself when that time comes

March 5, 2012

trying to calm down

I said things on therapy I didn't mean at all. I love my son. he's not in the way. he's part of me and my love for him prevents me from killing myself. sure, at times I wish I could just do it but most times, I stop and think of my baby who is not a baby anymore. he's seven years old now and is attached to me. in fact, he wanted to sleep in my bed tonight put of the blue.
he knows when I'm sad, he steps right in and his huge brown eyes and smile greet me every night.
he takes pain away that simply but sometimes my depression is too great like it is tonight.
I'm watching him sleep and he looks so peaceful, i truly love him and hope he is enough to keep me around. he needs me, I just need my medications adjusted so I can enjoy him again like we used to have fun.
the road to recovery is very hard right now.

fattest day yet

okay being over weight has gone to a new level. my midsection really feels like am carrying a 20 lb. tumor or something. I can't breathe and I refuse to live this way.
this is not normal weight gain when I press on it, out feels hard.... something is wrong, doctors can't find out why, no surgery for me.
I need to find a surgeon to cut out my entire midsection.
I want to die, I can't live like this anymore. people at work are staring at me, its do obvious.
I have therapy tonight but think I'll skip it. I'm in no mood.

March 3, 2012

wasted day

I've been in bed all day. depression still looming wondering if ect is the only way out
I'm holding on to the hope that there is a antidepressant out there for me.
I want to give up the antipsychotics completely but don't know if my doctors will agree

March 1, 2012

going home to sleep

I'm going to have to go back to seroquel until I see my psychiatrist. I am just starting to lose some weight being off of it but my depression is so severe I have no choice but to take a sizable dose and sleep from now until tomorrow I can't stop obsessing, crying, and wanting to die.
so this is my last message for now. I'm in such emotional pain it has to stop now.
I almost sent a text to my therapist saying Italy and that is false.
I'm just hurting over my perception of last nights session. I keep heating him say rely on him less and less and I'm feeling abandoned. I said I wasn't ready to address abandonment I'm not stable but he fit it in anyway
so good night everyone more later

worst depression day yet

I woke up very early crying just out of the blue and I couldn't stop.
I can't believe I told my therapist about my attempts last weekend.
on top of this he brings up something about I should be needing him less and less.
part of me wanted to walk out never to return. but I didn't.
he continues to hit the abandonment button when I am already suffering.
I doing even know how it is I am needing him too much now. is it common when a patient odd suicidal to push on the most triggering part off me?
there is no compassion that I could detect but maybe he's numb to my talking about suicide so much.
I had better stop before another hospital trip is in my future.
he looked a little mad at the end when he abruptly said, I've gotta go see you next time.
I just went numb after that. no compassion for a person that not long ago had a pulmonary embolism, is horrified about these incomplete personalities, I'm not medically stable which is partly my fault because of last weekend.
my depression has tripled I'm afraid to go to tomorrows session.
I can't talk about any of this because he gets upset. then I freak out more
I would love to be able to say I'm good and plan for termination but I'm not.
I have two options stay and take what comes or move on which will be hardest on me to just quit but I'm pretty bad off now so maybe it wouldn't be. I've stopped seroquel so there is no medication in me right now to address this. I don't know what to do.
I'm panicked, scared, and feel so deeply depressed I am capable of anything right now.
I feel lost in a dark alley with no flashlight

can't sleep

I'm still hurting over my therapists reaction to the news that I tried to die.
I guess he meant what he said a few weeks ago. he doesn't care if I leave and don't come back he may get boss wish granted.
how can we ever repair this relationship now

February 29, 2012

I talk too much....

I had my session tonight and made a bad move. I said too much as usual and then expect my therapist to do nothing about it. I'm sitting in my room wishing I hadn't said I tried to overdose a few times. But I'm at my wits end and need to go to a place that can fix me. Going from psychiatrist to psychiatrist has eft me worse off. I have too many conditions but they all need treatment not just one or two.

My doctors need to work together but I guess they don't do that. I am referring to my neurologist, primary care doctor, psychiatrist and therapist. My therapist is just about the only one willing to work with all of them. But he can't do it alone.
This is I hate the most about psychiatry. They need to get over themselves. I see a psychologist and have for many years, if not for him I would have been dead way before now. I find psychiatry to be arrogant and elitest. They have all the answers yet I'm not any better. Finding out I have these incomplete personalities has thrown me over the edge so yes, I tried to overdose a few times. How in the world am I going to solve that problem???? I don't even know how many I have and who they are, I know about some of them but not all.

I know that people in my life tell me I say and do things to them that I don't have any memory of doing or saying. This scares me. I have a child damn it and I need to go and get fixed somewhere even if it is for a few weeks so he has a mother again. Someone tellme how to tackle this list of problems:

1. Bipolar II
2. ADD inattentive type
3. Major Depression
4. Temporal Lobe Epilepsy
5. Borderline trais
6. Eating Disorder
7. Dissociative "incomplete personalities"

and hold a high level job, be a mom, be a wife, try and find friends which I don't have. My family doesn't believe a word of any of this. I will never tell them about no. 7 My doctors are talking about ECT because medications are not working. Before I cosider that I want to go somewhere that can handle complex cases and see what happens.

Back to my therapy. So I tell him what I tried to do, he didn't say too much and then as soon as the clock hit the final minute it was okay see ya next time. That is when I felt stupid telling him. Why do I talk so much?

I'm tired of being hurt in this therapy process, I really am. Whether these are techniques or him just being cold about the situation I'll never know. I need to stay with safe discussions only. I cannot function even more when things go left in therapy. He's all I have right now.

I don't know what to do now. I make it worse when I tell him not to tell my psychiatrists certain things. He probably does anyway because he has to. When I figure it out I change psychiatrists again. They don't want to listen to me yet they have the prescribing power so I have to find one that is good and won't judge me or treat me badly if they hear some of this stuff.

I hated the way our session ended tonight becaue now I feel even worse again. Mostly my fault. This is why I want out of this life.
I wasnt meant to be here I just know it. I do so many self destructive things which are all attempts to deal with the pain that is constantly in me....this shit never subsides for me. Never.

There is a part of me that want to quit everything....therapy....psychiatry....and life. Who is that part and how the hell was he created. He needs to go and this is where the overdose tries come into play. I want him OUT, GONE, DEAD


Sagittarius Feb 29 2012
Someone you think highly of is blowing something out of proportion. This may be out of character for your friend or loved one, but it could be causing a rift between the two of you now. You have probably tried to explain why this person's perspective is incorrect, but you aren't able to get through to him or her. Could it be that this once-rational person has suddenly become irrational? Could it be that something else is going on in this person's life that is causing the discord? It could be. But it could also be that YOU need to take a fresh look - your own perception of the situation may be wrong.
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February 28, 2012

going to bed so I won't eat

its the only way sedate myself away from food even if I have to die trying.
all my options cut off I'm backed in a corner no other choice. will those who denied me other options be sorry if this turns out badly?
I doubt it... will my dad who refuses to listen to me anymore be remorseful? doubt it. no one can save me but me, I'm worn out.
this body of mine odd evil and must be destroyed along with all parts of me.
my turn now

crying in class

I may need to leave early and go home. people can see me crying and are asking questions.
how embarrassing.
I'm so fragile right now for some reason I hate that about me

fact from fiction

I'm not sure of my post last night. I always overreact when the abandonment button is pushed.
I cried all the way home like a child not an adult at all.
six years and I'm afraid of these feelings actually terrified more later. OK, I'm back. why do I always assume it's over with my therapist? I'm not going to bring it up, I'll just have to deal with what he says, cry it out and file it away. this is very familiar to me it's what I grew up doing. I was not entitled to any negative feelings. no crying, no questioning my parents on anything it only caused more problems for me. what were the consequences? i isolated myself, dated the wrong guy for years, eventually turned to drugs and hung around the wrong people, I would over eat, etc. I was to blame for everything especially my reactions to their faults. this is still true today no one like my reactions why is the other person never to blame

February 27, 2012

well its almost over

my therapy that is. he said I need to rely on him less as a therapist. in translation it means I'm being a burden.
I will then try and find someone else if I go to a hospital. I finally told him how wonderful he's been and what I got back hit the abandonment button hard. I can't go to my conferences now. I'll be in bed all day where I belong.
I don't think anyone will notice. if I'm alive after tomorrow then I'll cancel the Friday appointments.
I'm not going to be humiliated anymore. I'm pushing myself on him.
I bet he's enjoying his night but I'm not.
no more therapists after this. I opened up to him and he slapped me down.
I have enough seroquel to end this all maybe tomorrow I'll do it and he can explain to my son why I'm gone

I'm about to explode

I'm enraged right now over my meeting being commingled with other topics the Cfo wants on her plate. I have ten minutes to summarize a 30 page report. my scope below is right on the mark

Sagittarius Monday, February 27, 2012 You might grow discouraged today if political pressure on the job prevents you from doing what you think is most important. It's particularly demoralizing if you are anticipating success, only to discover that you have additional tasks to complete before calling it quits. However, it's not wise to let any setbacks bother you now. Maintain a positive attitude so you can meet any problems head-on. Don't give up; you're closer to your goals than you think.

major stress

I am supposed to be in a class for this all week conference but need to leave in a few hours to prepare for a mandatory meeting.
I hate this job sometimes and I'm worried about this meeting.
i apparently went to sleep at 400 and didn't wake until 500 am.
I was hoping to not wake up art all.
wearing this skirt that doesn't fit is also throwing me over the edge.
I want of all antipsychotics

February 26, 2012

its not easy to die is it

My brain won't shut off, I am nervous about a meeting tomorrow and really don't care to go to the meeting.
Once I'm fully staffed if I can make it that long, I should find a program to help me because I'm suffering and
no one seems to care much except my therapist.

I want to fight my enemy at work;
I want to have just an average sized body
I do not want to keep changing doctors
I need a muscle relaxer for my lower back again
I just want to sleep right now until tomorrow morning and I have
the drugs that will do just that.

I have to register for a conference tomorrow then run back to work and get reading for a heated meeting.
I hate my life
I don't need any friends they just disappoint me anyway. I don't sleep anymore since stopping seroquel. looks like
I better take a bunch and let whatever happens...happen.

I'm in a rotten mood and wish I were dead.

I want to quit my job tomorrow

but will I do it. my husband wants me on disability but my therapist wants backing by a psychiatrist first.
I just found the gut and went once.
then there is paperwork that needs to go to the leave department.

I'm not up for Mondays meeting the cfo has ruined my audit findings I might just knock her on her ass before the meeting. I'm not fit to be around people when I'm angry.

maybe I'll check in somewhere, I can't take it anymore

massage... wow

yesterday was quite interesting and lets just say, I feel somewhat sexy again. even if it's a time limited feeling at least yesterday I felt alive

February 25, 2012

actions and consequences

Sagittarius Horoscope for February 25, 2012
A person you know very well has been hiding things and playing childish games, and their foolishness is going to be exposed for all the world to see today. You'll be the lucky one who gets a ringside seat when the bell goes off and they are forced to explain themselves. Even though you may feel bad for them, do not try to defend them. Stay out of the situation and let them handle it alone. They have to learn that their actions have consequences.

unwanted and unloveable

what a painful thing to face but its true. eventually everyone wants me to go away. I'm in my room in bed struggling to survive this.

many people know I'm having a hard time but they don't call or come see me. my family thinks my diagnoses are wrong. they don't know the worst of it.

I could never have a parts discussion with anyone. I tried with my therapist but there is one part of me he doesn't accept I'm not supposed to give a voice to. I'm not supposed to question him anymore. the schedule has triggered me.
he wants me to move on.
what therapist says in the heat of the moment that i can leave if I want to and he doesn't care if I do.
I am having a hard time medically, at work, in marriage, and my therapist says I can move on.
I may quit but there won't be another therapist. I'm not interested in starting all over again.

February 24, 2012

hospital bound or dead

I'll have to do my own work on myself by going into yet another hospital
my therapist can't help me so its up to me now.
I don't need any doctors anymore I'll take care of myself just like I did
growing up. I took care if everyone and I care too much about a friendship that will never
happen. I'm to messed up and he's over it.
tonight I'm going to load up on seroquel and maybe if I wake up ill go to the
hospital and he won't need to bother.
everything is my fault, I'm bad, unbearable.
there is no one to help me now or back then. I'm dying inside and no one cares.
so to hell with all of them do without me. I never mattered anyway. tonight was the last time
I plan to hear about mistakes others make are my fault its always my reaction well I say

fuck everyone since I an such a problem then away I will go. my therapist said again to go seek another
opinion he's done right? not according to him how confusing it ends this weekend.

with no phone call to anyone none of them care

February 23, 2012

balance a word to live by

I need to balance work stress with seeing realistic goals for what I can accomplish and know my limits.
I'm a workaholic another addiction problem along with food and my overall body image. somehow balance that against being a wife and mother.
then balance that with all my mental health issues. I often ask myself how am I still alive after everything I've been through and continue to go through?
I have no idea, I feel worthless, helpless, and broken most of the time.
I isolate way too much and miss out on having fun with my son or taking care of myself.
I feel steps away from being hospitalized but still manage this job from hell. actually every job has been from hell most of my life. at least my bosses leave me alone pretty much.
I hope I can open up more tomorrow in session last night was a disaster, I just couldn't talk. I don't know why but I felt angry about everything going on with me.
I'm off to the spa right now maybe will help who knows.

wait for better visibility

Sagittarius Thursday, February 23, 2012 It's difficult to stick to your current agenda today because it's apparent that circumstances are unfolding differently than you expected. But you're hardpressed to come up with a new plan if you cannot see where you're heading. There's a shift coming in the next few days, so give yourself time before deciding what to do. Instead of pushing ahead while the future is still foggy, wait for better visibility before making your move.

Couple's Love

Look to an old friend in a stable relationship for advice and guidance. They can offer you stories of their own life experiences that you can apply to your own relationship.


When that one friend of yours comes calling, step up and take care of their needs or at least those needs that you can take care of easily. Don't worry about their deep-seated angst, for example!

Finance - Money

Are you the arrow or the target or is this a metaphor you can no longer use? It might be time to consider your situation in different terms altogether, Sag. What is your root motivation?

Career - Work

The mystical merges with the actual to create a strong vision of where you could be in an ideal situation. You're able to view the future and open up options for the present like a true professional.

February 22, 2012

how true this one is

Sagittarius Feb 22 2012
You may believe that you need to appear forceful and aggressive so that someone will think you are strong. That's why you may be pushing an issue now that actually requires a much lighter touch. You are an assertive sign, Sagittarius. Not too many people have been successful at pushing you around. You're no doormat. But at the same time, not everyone responds so well to that kind of approach. You are dealing with a person now who will be much more amenable to a softer touch. Tap into your more sensitive side, and your ideas will be well received.
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I feel so much pain

but I couldn't talk about it in session tonight. I couldn't find my voice and I wasted my time and my therapists time.
I wanted to talk about how scared I feel about whether or not I'll survive much longer and my fear turned to anger instead. again I failed.
I need to go back into a hospital for a complete medication over haul. the problem is I despise mental health hospitals.
I can't have all these medication changes and have a roommate, plus go to group therapy which I no longer trust thanks to the program I was in over the summer. I don't want to discuss my former addiction, air all the abuse I suffered my whole life..
I just want my medication fixed my therapist is the only one I trust with everything else. but that isn't how it works so I'm screwed. I can't work like this now and most likely I'll lose my job that pays good money.
I'm dying inside a little more each day.
I'm grateful for my blog where I can feel safe to say how I'm feeling. I feel safe with my therapist but certain parts of me don't and I can't control them. I'm sad and alone in my mind because I shut everyone out who tries to help me.
Aunt Helen please help me to find out who I am because I don't know.
I only recently realized I have certain parts and they get on the way of my healing. my therapist says think of them as aspects of me but that is hard because I feel like they are separate of me and I want them to go away. I don't even know how many I have and how they help or hurt me. I think my therapist knows but he says he can't just tell me. I guess I have to do this alone and I'm lost and confused. I feel like shattered glass. my appointments are fixed I think. this episode has really triggered me badly.
who was in the room tonight? I have no idea.
the pain I feel is intense and I couldn't talk about it so now I feel worse much worse. how will I ever be fixed now that I know there are parts of me saying and doing things on auto pilot.
I'm in hell and I can't get out. I also can't sleep lord help me tomorrow and everyone around me. my work stress is at a high peak and I keep walking out except today