December 31, 2011

Unhappy new year to me

My husband and son are with our neighbors and I'm in hiding because coming off topamax cold Turkey has me so much more unstable I'm afraid for anyone to see me like this.

Having to take extra seroquels to try and stabilize myself because my doctors have abandoned me.


Hope they are enjoying their families and parties for me while I suffer in silence. Good night blog friends pray I don't run out of benzos to also stabilize me or who knows where I'll end up.


when will I learn....

I woke up today at 11:00am. I took 400mg of Seroquel last night with my Lorazapam and Restoril for sleep. My back pain is unbearable and since my MRI was clear, my massage therapist said the memory foam bed may be the culprit because I wake up in pain. So we bought a new bed.

I offered to make my family recipe for the kids. My son and his two friends. My husband bought the stuff, I started and then just a half hour ago everything went off again. My son said uh oh we broke the lego toy and all I said was what happened. But my husband got in my face and said "calm down". He's crazy he knows me and knows not to do that. I flipped a little bit but not too bad, just said that's it you finish the cooking. I'm done.

I came upstairs and took my lorazepam to try and calm down. My husband chases after me and lays into me about how bad he's treated an why can't I see what I'm doing to him...

Background: just yesterday my mom responded to a text I sent her. I haven't told my therapist about this yet it was going to be a surprise but it went badly. I told my mom that I've given our relationship much thought and that deep down there might be love but that I need to understand why she hated me so much growing up. Why she chose me to abuse and my brother and she went unaffected. Well she finally had enough waiting on me for my response so she sent me this email back about how I need to take RESPONSIBILITY for the teen years, how it was all my fault and I know it. She didn't like me then but didn't hate me. She in fact believes that she spoiled me and put herself in the same category as my aunt helen. BIG MISTAKE. She had her chance with me and this was the last chance, I will not reach out again. I only attempted it because my therapist was in my head a bit with forgiveness. Even though I blasted him for it, I did think about it and gave it a shot.

So, today...when my husband said the above about what I am doing to him...he reminds me of her. So I suggested that she and him talk each other through the misery that apparently I have caused both of them. MEANWHILE, I AM TRYING TO ADJUST COMING OFF OF A DRUG COLD TURKEY THAT IS AFFECTING MY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW.

The selfishness in my husband at the moment is astonishing. I know he has been here for me through a lot. I have recognized that to him, many times. However, it seems lately that whether its therapy, at home, or with my mother I am to accept that I am some bad person. Manipulative, assaultive, aggressive...horrible person. I'm here to say that yes in some cases that is true but ITS NOT THE WHOLE STORY, IT NEVER IS. Everytime I reach out, or try just a little bit it comes back to hurt me.

I have one more day until I return to work unstable not ready for a big meeting. I told my husband since he feels I might have scared the kids with the look on my face then I will stay in my room again all day today.

SCREW NEW YEAR'S EVE...IF I'M THAT BAD I WILL JUST ISOLATE AND STAY RIGHT HERE. If I do someday take my life, I will not go down alone. There will be a video made that I will post publicly...that will finally explain my pain..suffering...and all of the people who contributed to my demise.

I am doing the best I can but as usual it is not enough my friends, it is just not enough. No one validates me in my life. The IOP over the summer was the absolute worst. They will for sure be named in the video...all of it. the humiliation and pain caused there from some of the social workers is not forgotten. I just can't recover can I?

Here is what others want me to admit to: that I am manipulative, aggressive, argumentative, combative, unreasonable, abusive, inflexible, blaming others for my faults, not taking responsibility for my actions...to name a few. I will say yes at times these things have happened. But I am not in these relationships by myself am I? Sometimes I need to take full responsibility like during my addiction and I have....other times the other people in my life played a role like my mother don't start me there. I can't and won't take responsibility for anything that involves her. She is the parent, she failed to love me, nuture me, protect me, and as her first born child attach properly with me. She verbally and physically abused me and in her latest email now says she has short term memory loss from a car accident back in 1996 (WTF?) and remembers nothing of the sort. I can't work with her on anything.

As for my husband, he knows better than this and knows how hard this recent medication change is for me. So he gets in my face right in front of all the kids. He humiliated me today. How can I possibly now go out tonight and be around the parents of those kids. Who will for sure tell their parents what happened.

2012 is not going to be better after all...10% of all borderlines and those with bipolar complete suicides. I now see why.

December 30, 2011

This is why I believe in horoscopes

Sagittarius Dec 30 2011

You may be feeling overwhelmed because a challenge you faced in the past - and failed at - may have presented itself again. Naturally you are afraid of reliving the same experience, with the same heartache and aggravation. But you are not going to fail this time, Sagittarius. You are older and wiser, and you now have the tools you need to address this situation very successfully. Do not allow fear to rule you or guide you. If you face this situation with confidence and certainty that you'll succeed, then you will.

--

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December 29, 2011

is recovery from BPD possible for me?

I have some many issues to recover from and that will take quite a bit of motivation. I have to ask myself some serious questions. First, how much motivation do I have? Some days I want to die, some days I don't. Knowing the pain that is involved in recovery in the therapy process itself or at least I think I know all of it, it could be even worse than I think. I am wondering even more just what I can handle.

I can't control the process. I practically told my therapist the other night that I would "win" the abandonment war in the end by abandoning him. I meant this by either dying or moving back home. Isn't that a nice thing for me to say? What am I even doing in therapy if I am going to say these things? It came from a position of fear I feel that now why can't I feel that in session and talk about it. Instead I toughen up and get defensive and throw those two options at him and walk out the door. So I sit here tonight feeling guilt and shame about it and I'm wasting my time and his when I get like this.

I feel overwhelmed with everything I need to recover from. Now that I had the embolism, I feel weaker and can't take the therapy pain the way I used to. Now I feel pain in my left arm and chest...is it in my head? am I causing that? In the past that never happened but I didn't have an embolism back then either. I hadn't taken my coumadin timely. I am supposed to take it at 5pm every night and its been quite variable. So I felt the pains after the session probably because I hadn't taken it. I work myself up easily over the littlest things and therapy isn't little.

Now I'm off Topamax a day and a half and I feel agitated. I need to be sedated with Seroquel but I want to be awake and watch tv and blog. Not smart though. I did take my Lorazepam but it isn't working. Coming off of this cold turkey is going to be worse tomorrow I can feel it. I bet the whole weekend I'll be in bed drugged by Seroquel. I did manage to get to my former Neurologist's office today and get my records and had my husband drop them off to my new Neurologist. Although, it was a wasted trip because my former Neurologist's office had a fax confirmation that on October 3rd they sent all 40 pages of my records to my new Neurologist so I don't know why he doesn't have them.

Today is the last day for driving. Now I'm wondering how I'll get to my therapy appointments next week. I can't drive until he puts me on a new epilepsy medicine and that depends on if my rash/acne goes away a little bit in seven days. More to worry about now. Just what I needed. I just want to cry for hours...not sure what good that would do but I feel a breakdown coming.

I was told to follow up with my psychiatrist for any mood problems. I wasn't stable to begin with and I don't want him hospitalizing me. So, here I sit to suffer in silence again. I can't follow up with him because that is what he will do and I hate hospitals. If it was a regular hospital he would put me in that would be fine but not a mental hospital. I don't like them.

I'm just scared right now. I'm alone again...so before I can go full throttle in therapy the rest of this needs to be settled. If my medications are not stable I can't do the work I need to do.

I was reading a blog that had a more appropriate term than chronically unique. the term was terminally unique. I think that is more appropriate for me. I do want to recover who wouldn't? But does it have to destroy me in the process? Because is just might.
I'm afraid I won't survive it.

December 28, 2011

The Dreaded Word "Abandonment"

One of the many things I need to work on in therapy inevitably is abandonment. Did I know this years ago when I first walked through the door? Hell no. I had no idea I suffered from this damn wound at all. If I did know I would never have gone down this path. Some might ask why? Don't you want to resolve this and get past the pain? To some the obvious answer would be of course yes.

I have to tell you though you have no idea what is involved in resolving this wound. Every single time this button gets close to being pushed on me, I can barely function. I can't afford this. I have a job that I have to do at a high level. I'm a wife and mother and already do a bad job at both of those roles and don't need any more help in this area. I can't function when this button is pushed. The cycle goes like this...button is pushed, I get angry, enraged...I want to quit therapy. So far, I haven't except for the beginning actually left that voicmail quitting. But my health isn't good, I'm not stable on my medications, I have been feeling rejected for far too long lately and fed up enough that I might just make that mistake. If I do it, what comes next is intense pain which I will no doubt suffer horribly. The sister to abandonment is rejection. That means, I will not call back and say hello I'm an idiot and made a mistake can I come back...and face possible rejection. So, I'll suffer in silence.

So what happens next? Well that is variable. Playing with abandonment and feeling suicidal isn't a good mix and should be avoided with me. I realize that therapy with borderlines is effective much of the time and I'm happy that this occurs. This is not how it will go for me. I'm not the average on anything. This summer I went through an IOP program which should have been somewhat difficult maybe but I found it to be disastrous, traumatizing etc. and that was just an IOP program.

I don't even know where this abandonment comes from in me. I had two parents although a chaotic childhood, blamed for everything gone wrong in the family, abused by my mother, and in some cases my father. My mother is a borderline and much more. I can barely talk about the woman in therapy, forgiveness is not an option at the moment although I've been asked to consider it. Its hard to forgive someone that claims nothing occurred right?

My self esteem is zero most times and other times I'm labeled as chronically unique. Polar opposites. No one really helps with my self esteem in my life I'm still the blame for almost anything in relationships. Its always how I affect others that comes up, its never what they contribute to the situation, its always about me. then at other times when I obsess about stuff I'm told "its not always about you". So, I get confused. So the message I continually get reinforced in me is other people can do what they want to me, say what they want, but my reaction no matter what it is...is wrong, bad, unacceptable. The other person gets off scott free.

This contributes to my anger issues and perpetuates it...continues to grow and grow. Just once I'd like for someone to be accountable to me and sorry for their actions or words towards me. That would be healing and helpful. Perhaps then my anger could come down a notch. Rarely though does this ever happen.

I'm getting off topic. Right now the issue at hand is I'm to get off of Topamax cold turkey because a rash has started. So, 300mg off immediately for seven days. I go back to work on Monday after this winter break. I'm already mentally unstable and now this.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring...how I'll be feeling....where I'll end up...


December 27, 2011

focus on who wants me...

Let me see if I can figure out who these people are right now. I know for sure my brother, father, and a few of my cousins have demanded that I move back home. Especially my brother and his wife. After today and other recents events, I think I am ready to start making plans to move back home again.

There isn't anything for my husband, son and I here really. It isn't great back home where I grew up, there are ghosts, past traumas but there is also good stuff brewing, things to look forward to. My brother and his wife will be having kids any day now. They moved right in a neighborhood near one of our closest cousins and I would love to also buy one of those houses near them.

It's time to leave this place behind. Lots of bad memories here. I haven't made friends here and some friends I thought I had, I really don't have and probably never will. Some of that reality I got today and I'm done trying anymore. No more pursuing people who are out of reach and not interested being within reach. At least back home, people understand me, out here I'm seen as someone I am not. I am often misunderstood, good things I do for people are discounted or forgotten altogether. I am not always an easy person to be around but my heart is in the right place. When I care for someone truly care for them I'll do anything for them and not hurt them in any way on purpose. Too bad it doesn't work the other way in my favor.

I'm not given the benefit of the doubt even back home but I can handle it back there now. Watching my brother's wedding video clip really hit me deep in my heart. He may be 37 but he's still my baby brother to me. I need to be with him and eventually his kids. Back home I don't need to explain myself to anyone because we are all alike. I still won't have any "friends" back there because my best friend is no longer but so what. I have my family and that's all I need. I have my cousins too. Not sure what the job front will look like probably not as good as I have it here but so what.

What I really want to leave behind is this roller coaster I am on...searching and searching for someone to take care of me just a little bit and care just a little bit and not resent me for it. Well, that is not out here where I live. That is back home where I need to go. At least back home I am appreciated for some things and probably even more since I've lived out here. I think things will be different this time. At least I hope they will.

I know I have my faults. I'm needy, I wear people out at times, I can be selfish, I get angry, enraged and destroy things like I did around the house this weekend. I've been horrible to my husband and others who don't even know me. Most of this due to my condition I suppose but no excuse really. There are some answers I still don't have about myself that I thought I'd learn in therapy but haven't so far. Why I change so much? Why are there so many parts of myself that change so quick? I don't know if there are answers to this or even a cure. Maybe I don't need to know...maybe its best I don't know. All I know is what happened the other night has never happened like that before.

All my therapist said was take another Seroquel. I can do that but who was that? Seriously? who was that? That's what I want to know?

December 26, 2011

Personal Trainer....is this the answer?

I finally did it. I resumed my relationship with my former massage therapist who really helps me with my back and sciatica problems. He does very deep tissue work on me. Practically sado-masochistic I go there knowing how much pain I'll be in but its worth it in the end. He is also a personal trainer. I went tonight finally to his one on one session. We have a good personal relationship. We get along well. I trust him he knows my medications and medical conditions. I tell him because he can see the rashes on my back, how can he miss them in his work. He can tell the weight gain from a few months ago. We talked about that.

He told me that although he can tell I've gained that its in the right places. How sweet but half way through the training, I ended up breaking down on him. Good thing there were only two of us in the club. I told him this. I said look I told my therapist this and I'm telling you this. Psychiatric medications have wrecked my body, this is my last ditch effort to reverse this. I'll do my best to stick to this. If this doesn't work, then that's it I'm ending it. He looked me dead in the eyes and said "not on my watch..." He told me that for my first time at training he was impressed that I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 speed, 2.5 incline, he put me through several rounds of arm and leg work using a bar doing squats, arm lifts, leg lifts, all kinds of moves and each were about 30 reptitions. He was counting I was in a fog I couldn't count. I didn't realize how I was doing. We spent about two hours. I didn't realize I did that much I haven't done anything for years.

He definitely lifted my spirits he said that because I was a gymnast as a teenager, and all the years I worked out in my twenties that an athlete never loses that stamina it just needs to be reborn. I guess I need to hold on to that. Before Seroquel, I was a runner for about a year and half. I do have it in me I guess so perhaps he is right. I did last tonight. All 210lbs of me did everything he asked me to do, I made it on the first night. I'm supposed to go again on Thursday and I will.

He told me his plan for me is natural endorphins and he wants me to talk to my doctors about weaning from Seroquel once I am at a good point in my training. He says my body will heal my mind. He's been doing this for over thirty years and he's worked with many men and women taking the drugs many of us take and he's people make the change successfully but its hardwork and discipline. He said its up to me and it always has been my choice. He's more than a trainer, he's a healer he cares about the people that he works with. His pricing is lower than average because I see him for massages too. He truly is a godsend right now for me.

The question is will I stick to this? I often start something and then I get discouraged or my depression sets in but this time I feel like something is different this time. Maybe it was the way he looked me in the eyes and said what he said to me. So determined like it was his mission or something. I'll give it a try, why not right? I've been so negative lately perhaps its time to listen to my therapist for a change who has been telling me all along to exercise, I think he'll be proud of me tomorrow for making this move.

December 25, 2011

I had to go and make a bad situation worse...

Hopefully, this is the last lesson I needed to learn. I was starting to do alright, feeling in the Christmas mood, my son's excitement was starting to rub off on me a little bit. I let it affect me, make me happier and willing to reach out to a few people and wish them well. Some friends I haven't seen in years, some I talk to now and then and some I still talk to.

Some I haven't reached out to in a long time for various reasons. Good reasons but I did so anyway. It all backfired. Almost all of it. To top it off, my son's godmother who was my one and only best friend from highschool that I had left is gone. I knew that from last Spring but she sent my son a gift so I thanked her for it. I wanted to send it back when we received it. I should have done that because obviously she sent it out of obligation only. She has dumped me after 25+ years together but I have no idea why she hasn't said and won't say. What a woman we have here.

Everything we've been through, all those cards she has sent me over the years about loving me no matter what etc. I've never been a card sender really. I show people how I feel, don't believe me in words for this very reason. Anyway, I never should have picked her for my son's godmother because he's the loser in this now. Its anyone's guess why she's done but she is...done.

I made other mistakes regarding contact today. I fell for the good side of me, the one who cares too much. I need to keep that side buried. Every time that one comes out I get hurt. Every time. Now, I'm worse than I was before. Spending Christmas back in bed watching snapped....and other crime TV. I should be playing with my son but instead I'm sitting here thinking of how I'm going to make changes to tear myself away from all of the people who hurt me over and over again and seem to take pleasure in it.

I'm done this time. Let this be the last, the very last time I allow anyone to hit any vulnerable spot on me. The pain I feel right now is so bad I can't stop crying, I can't get out of bed, my whole body hurts and I won't return any of my calls to my family...I just can't do it. Not now. Let this be the last time. I am leaving all of these people behind every last one of them.

To do this to me knowing how sick I am is sadistic and wrong. I am the person I always said I am....them? They never were the person they claimed to be. How they can live with themselves is beyond my comprehension because I am not like them.

I just had to go and start to feel better and act on it. It will be a cold day in hell before I allow that to happen again.

December 24, 2011

that other person came out again

I tore up the downstairs lliving room area. had a major episode luckily I left the Christmas tree in place or I would've ruined everything for my son.

I've been lowering seroquel and at the same time I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit I'm lonely, miss my family,  not in love with my husband,  therapy threw me a little the other day, so might have to deal with an issue there, health is bad, I'm fatter than ever...all I want for Christmas is a coffin.

I see no problem asking Santa for that as a gift. My husband called my dad how nice as if he can do anything from another state. Oh and then told him to call 911...yeah that would've worked...they are pushing me and I'm telling you all...that doesn't work with me. It just doesn't work. Push me and I push rigt fucking back.....merry christmas in this house. yeah right.

anyway my husband called my dad and I ended up on the phone with him for an hour....I lied I don't feel any better and no I didn't take the seroquel pill. its done enough damage to my body....like I said I wish for a coffin and will need it by tomorrow morning.

before I give up perhaps I should consider this

Sagittarius Dec 24 2011

You may be about to give up on something that you once felt passionately about. You may simply be mentally exhausted from the stresses of the season, or a general malaise that comes with a disappointment at the conclusion of a year that had some difficulties. But there is an answer to your problem,a way to resolve your goal successfully. You have overlooked a very simple answer, probably because it is hiding in plain sight. Step back from your disappointment and look at the issue from a fresh perspective, or ask for feedback from someone who knows you well, and you'll find the answer.

--

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December 23, 2011

at the mall

miserable as all hell....maybe weaning off seroquel by myself is a big mistake ...I am on edge right now. between that and zero smoking I think I might just die tonight lets see if I am here in the morning. I am trying to use Xanax and lorazepam to help but really I'm no doctor and my brain feels like it is going to explode on the people in this mall. I hate crowds as it is.....add this mix and I'm in mental trouble. I couldn't see my pdoc until January so I'm on my own. I'm definitely fucked up right now.

I have to get out of here before I fight someone seriously

if I had a session today

Which would have been nice since I really need one I would have talked about what is missing in in my life that is more profound than even a loving husband.  Its having a loving mother.

Its a topic I avoid in therapy that today I feel ready to talk about I am feeling the emotional pieces needed to talk about it but they didn't schedule me this Friday.

it figures that the one Friday they don't have me on the schedule is the one I'm ready emotionally to talk about this painful topic.

it won't last until Tuesday which is when I see him next.  My strong frightening emotions are fleeting so this post will have to suffice.

Not growing up with a loving caring consistent mother set the stage for the amgry animal within me.

I really don't want to be this hateful person.  It's the one part of me that is the most difficult to resolve.

this part may never resolve. I acknowledge that. This is because there are too many unmet needs inside of me that I cannot fill myself and no one else can either.

I look mostly to my therapist to fill some of them and other people for some of the other needs.

The second those needs go unmet, and my abandonment button is hit, I go absolutely insane.  The pain becomes so unbearable I will say things that are ugly, mean, hurtful,  and downright destructive to the person who pushed the button.

later however I regret in most cases especially when its my therapist.

I guess I'm harder on him because he knows of my abandonment button so when he hits it I assume its on purpose and the pain I feel is much worse and my reaction is much worse.

Its a cycle we're in but how else is he going to help me he can't avoid it forever I know this logically.

He's truly the only person willing to deal with me.

I have many parts to my self some are fun, some are easygoing  one side is an addict, I was hard on him then too.

He could have referred me out several times but didn't and still at times I forget all of this and the ugliness in me comes out.

I truly hate myself when I treat him that way my head tells me to stop but my mouth keeps going.

For a long time, a funnier side of me was more prominent where is she now? She is much more likable.

What does this all mean?  I'm afraid to ask? Is it normal to have so many different parts to one's self?  I sometimes feel much younger than I am although its been awhile since I've felt that in session.

I'm confused about all of this... wish I could've gone in today I would've accomplished something finally.


December 22, 2011

isn't this well timed

Sagittarius Dec 22 2011

It may seem that a particular problem is both inescapable and unsolvable. Imagine the following scenario. You have been captured by a wicked witch, who has trapped you in her castle. You want to escape, but there is a moat surrounding the castle, and it's filled with sharks and crocodiles. If you jump into the moat in an effort to swim across, you will almost surely be devoured by the hungry beasts in the water. But once a day a drawbridge descends across the moat. Why didn't you think of that sooner, Sagittarius? There is an easy answer to a problem you now have - and it's so obvious, you are overlooking it.

--

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bad move....

Because of everything going on in my head and being overloaded with overwhelming emotions I took too many Xanax pills and a much higher dose of seroquel with my lorazepam pills. I just woke up and missed my nail appointment.

Now I'm in a fog and can't seem to move around much.  Not smart.
I needed the extra sleep but the after affects don't feel so good.
Therapy wasn't all bad last night. My dad sent me a beautiful gift.
It's a music box engraved with my daughter my joy. I shared it with my therapist because I needed help thanking my dad for it.

My dad and I are not emotional together.  We are like tony soprano and his daughter.  The gift was it of character for my dad and I wasn't sure how to respond.

I kept laughing saying what has happened to my dad has he lost his mind?
Last month he wanted to choke me for putting him through so much with my addiction and now I'm a joy?

My therapist said something about allowing myself to feel loved.  I don't know how to do that. Anyway I called my dad and didn't tease him which is my normal style I told him it was the best gift I've ever received.
Progress I suppose...

December 21, 2011

who am I kidding

I am not going anywhere...I love my therapist and he's the only one who cares enough to put up with me.

I just have to accept what he can do and cannot do and I struggle with that the most.  I feel alone in the struggle its all one sided and I hate it.

I often keep pushing him away which only hurts me not him...why is the big question especially knowing what it does to me.

why must I add to my long list of problems

December 20, 2011

turning ambivalence into action

Here I go again, I'm ambivalent about so many things. Marriage, work, going off of Seroquel even though its probably responsible for all of my medical problems, continuing with therapy etc. I want to run from all of it. I want to be away from everyone and everything especially when its clear some things aren't going to change.

Why stay in relationships that aren't real? Why spend another second on them? I can live on my own even though my health isn't good, why not. As for therapy all he and I do is go back and forth on our "relationship" and what it is or isn't and I end up being blamed for misunderstandings or perceptions, misperceptions, or whatever...just like it was growing up. Always my fault...never his or anyone else's. Why am I putting myself through all of this?

I already went through all of this didn't I? I didn't enjoy it the first time and I sure as hell am not enjoying it this second go around. I'm stuck in a bad cycle anyway and it isn't good for either of us. I'm tired of thinking about this relationship, analyzing it, agonizing over it and he doesn't. My health can't take it anymore. I'm sad all the time, suicidal the rest of the time. I can be this way at home and not have to leave my bedroom. He helps me when I'm here but then I leave...I feel fine at first but then something happens...I don't know what goes wrong but something does.

My mind starts changing...turning...thinking....going in a different direction...and then I start a post like this one. I get sad, cry, then become angry and want out. Then I get to the session....and I'm fine again. I can't take it anymore. What the fuck is wrong with me? If I don't run from this it'll never end for me. I was thinking about this time last year, we were in a better place in therapy. Happier, got along better...something has changed. Me? him? us? connection lost? talking about it will be met with somehow this is my fault so its not worth it. I'll hear words like projection or assume his highest motive.

I'm not going to make matters worse before christmas, just let it go...please learn to let it go. I think one day what will happen is I'll end up just not going back. That is my pattern, its a miracle I've been doing this for this long. I just need to FALL ASLEEP. i bet tomorrow I'll wake up feeling different but for now this is how I feel.

I just can't help this feeling that something has changed and it isn't good. I have a bad feeling, I've had it for some time now I can't put my finger on it. Would he really give a rats ass anyway if I left? really? Do I really believe that? No one really has in the past? No one spends an ounce of time chasing me down once I disappear. Ever. This wouldn't be any different.

vulnerability

I leave myself open quite often and am vulnerable to the wrong people all the time.  I've had lots of practice over the years and I'm still making mistakes.

even people I think are my friends really turn out not to be friends on equal terms just their terms.  one way relationships are far too familiar for me and the most painful relationships of all.

I end up feeling unlovable, unwanted, worthless, and I hate myself even more

that is when the suicidal feelings run deeper because again I'm left alone, lonely, with nothing to look forward to.

this has lasted a lifetime.  since a young age I never had many friends always felt like there is something people sense with me that sends them running.

they rarely explain.  although while in a recent hospital stay, a guy told me the first two days people were so afraid of me whenever I entered the common area they got up and moved.

but I was hallucinationing because a former pdoc tripled cymbalta and was given a block of shots so I don't remember the first two days there.

I'm an Italian girl and before seroquel was told I was beautiful.

anyway being Italian and from Philly I tend to have a scary look about my face so maybe people don't feel comfortable approaching me. however my so called friends what is their excuse?

I care about people way more than they deserve.will today be the day I die? please say it's so.

December 18, 2011

not sure now about my new best friend

it was bound to happen, the have been warning signs. she's a borderline like me, we met in an IOP group. The risks have been clear. We are so alike yet so not alike in other ways. Recently, her home was burglarized and a laptop I gave her was taken among other items. Its her former boyfriend who did it.

Long story short, the guy is a crack head criminal. so not her type, she can do better. I learned she's been in touch with him several times, he should be in jail instead she's talking to him and somehow he's not getting arrested. Tonight she made light of how he only got $300 for my laptop and I about lost it. Its one thing she's talking to him and a whole other that I have to listen to this emotionless discussion about the worth of my stolen laptop. Now I really gave it to her to use so it wasn't mine anymore but its like it doesn't even bother her.

I'm overlooking alot for this friendship and its not something I normally do. I need to think this alliance over a little bit more after the conversation we had tonight. That's what my head is telling me but I'm lonely for a friend and she and I do connect in so many other ways. Its hard to let that part go. She did save my life. When that bad psychiatrist tripled my cymbalta my friend got me to the hospital on her last $40 if not for her who knows what might have happened.

I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just don't like her talking to this damn crack head loser that robbed her, beat her, and is nothing but trouble. I can't seem to talk her out of it. He needs to be in jail. Now. I see her this week maybe I can get through to her then. I am disappointed in her right now though.

I'm still in my vulnerable suicidal cycle and can't handle too much. I had a moment today where I almost bought a blanket and pillow again like I did over the summer. I had done that and kept it in the back of my SUV so that when I was alone in the garage of my home...I could climb in the back with the truck running, music going and go to sleep. I almost replaced all of that today. I'm not sure why but I almost did

take my power back

Sagittarius Dec 18 2011

You celebrated or will soon celebrate your birthday. Did you make a birthday wish? If so, was it a good one? Hopefully you haven't fallen into the groove of some Sagittarians, who have gotten so used to not getting what they want that they have lowered their expectations. You should always hope for the most out of life. It takes a lot to knock you down, or cause you to feel pessimistic about your chances for getting what you want, but recent events may have left you feeling less powerful. Give yourself a birthday present - take your power back. And then make the best, biggest wish you can think of. You just might get it.

--

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I love you

And i always will

December 16, 2011

ECT may just be the only way out....

I had my session today and once again, my perception was off. Way off. Yet, my mind is so sure its right, just read the posts below and you'll see just how right my mind believes it is. Maybe I do need ECT. Maybe it can destroy that part of my brain that seems to be causing me the most unreal problems.

I'm still suicidal. That hasn't gone away but it is a bit lowered. I started to feel like myself a little bit again tonight. I felt the connection begin to come back between my therapist and I. Where did it go in the first place? What changed?

I told him a little too much tonight. He asked a question and I always tell him if he asks a question I'll answer it. Its what I feel I am not getting from him during my suicidal cycle...he can't give it anyway. No one is giving it. No one wants to give it...can't anyone just hold me even once...does anyone love me at all? tell me now before its too late.

I am lucky that my therapist doesn't want to refer me out. truly...I may refer me out through suicide someday if it doesn't go away...I'm trying to figure out just why it won't go away...its calling me all the time.

December 14, 2011

made a hard decision today

I had forgotten to schedule my therapy sessions last night I was too upset when I left. Even though I've been going six years and have set days, its still my responsibility to schedule my own standard days/times.

Well, I thought I had worked out with my therapist that temporarily I could come three times a week but this month that only happened once and that is this week. When I said something about it my comment was met with a not so nice we are busy you know. then last night among the other discussion we had, I was labeled as demanding...because of how some things took place with a session I was supposed to have tonight but had yesterday instead. I won't go into that. I was told the his other normal patients don't act the way I do so when I contacted their office today to schedule my January sessions...I had to make a decision.

Do I ask for the three days a week knowing that he feels I'm demanding? Also knowing I probably won't get any of them anyway and I'll feel hurt? I desperately need them that isn't an issue but I had to weigh that against what could make things worse for me. So I opted to remain at twice a week. I pretty much cried all afternoon it doesn't affect them at all but me, it affects everything.

I often feel like I'm pushing myself on him anyway. We obviously disagree on my needs. If he felt I needed it then he would proactively make sure I had what I needed right? I believe so. I'm falling deeper and deeper into darkness. I'm afraid of my Friday session now. My one safe place doesn't feel safe anymore. I'm struggling to understand why this is. The schedule is often the source of tension between us. I see other patients get their standard days/times but it seems I have to push then I'm labeled....demanding. I'm so sad...I've lost something that I thought I had and I feel like its never coming back.

It makes my decision all that much easier...spindrift I like that you writee to me please don't stop. But this is my point. Do you think if I had people showing me love and real compassion that I would be in the cycle that I am in? No...I wouldn't be. This goes for my extended family as well and others. I won't be missed. I'm just another loss my friend.

I have been at this for some time now. This is a sudden thought. Therapy for six years. Perhaps he's given up because I have. He's pulled away from me and I feel it and its pulled me under and I can't deal with it. I am a sick woman right now. I just had an embolism I'm dealing with that. I tested positive for several clotting factors, I'm on blood thinners, my psychiatric medicines are off, work is unbelievably unbearable, I am extremely unhappy there but can't change that right now, there's much more. My depression has turned to suicidal plans....yes Ilove my son, he's my favorite son in the whole world and he deserves much better than me. He's held me together so far but the time has come because he knows now too much already...he acting out a little bit.

I have to make another decision and its made but needs planning. I feel okay about it. There is a bettr place for me, I trust in my aunt helen. She looks out for me. She's waiting I know she is. I've waited so long to see her. I need her now I can't wait anymore...if you knew her and knew the history between us you would understand why I can't wait. She's all I have now. I can feel her again. This doesn't have to be a scary thing at all. I am sacrificing for my son so he can have what I didn't have. I had a sick mother my whole life, he won't...I made him a promise when he born. I plan to stick to that promise. I just wish I had the same connection with my therapist that we once had...it might have made a difference who knows.

December 13, 2011

its just another loss

that's what I am another loss. I asked my therapist what it feels like to have a suicidal patient like me. that was the general answer.  I told him I feel like he doesn't if I do it. why I bring up these no win conversations is a mystery but he doesn't seem to have any compassion for me lately.

I'm paralyzed over it. I'm numb myself feeling unworthy of love or compassion as I've always felt nothing new here. except how do I function like this? I can't I'm hurting too much.  he's pulled back on me emotionally at the lowest point in my life my health is bad, and I'm suicidal ...

why? that's what I'm left wondering and I'm heartbroken again.  there are no good answers its just how people are towards me. surely after six years he must know the deep pain I'm in doesn't mind I suppose.

I want out of this life right now and I'll do anything to make it happen absolutely anything.  I don't want to trust anyone anymore or believe in love, friendship, or happiness in general because I'll never have it.

I get glimpses of it and it disappears this world isn't meant for me.

I'm so broken right now it would take an angel to put me back together and no angel would waste her time on me. whatever therapeutic value he thought might occur today failed I'm worse than ever and probably won't come out of this alive.

This is my journey and its been all over the place. But some things have stayed the same. I get the blame for most things, I'm forced to accept the blame whether I like it or not. Others have had very hard time apologizing to me and meaning it. I get accused of game playing by those who play games. Honesty is an option you know. A wise man once told me that. So I pass that message on to my blog friends. Always choose honesty.

Don't lead others on, be open and honest your true selves because its authentic and real even if others can't manage it. That's their problem. Some people just aren't made the right way. They never learned how to treat people and how to be a friend and how to feel compassion for people.

That's never been my problem, my problem is I care too much. I give too much of myself and get hurt. Very hurt to the point where I lose myself completely. Its happened again. Words said to me today I would have never said to him because they hurt. I would have known because I understand human pain that he would have gone further into himself and wanted to die even more. I would have shown him compassion from the heart.

Tonight I sit here and wonder what its like on the other side and I hope its all I think it is...peaceful...happy...full of light and most of all that my aunt helen is waiting for me because above all she is the one and only person in the whole world who truly loved me and I desperately want to see her again time is of the essence and I need her now.

December 12, 2011

well now....

Sagittarius Dec 12 2011

Someone may have taken charge of a situation that you are now involved in. As a strong-willed Sagittarius, this is probably rubbing you the wrong way. Your natural inclination is to grab the proverbial wheel, and wrest back the control you feel is being mismanaged or was taken away from you personally. But sometimes it's good to just let go. You have a tendency to take on too much at times. You may be feeling that if you don't intervene, something will go wrong. But even if it does, it won't be anything that can't be corrected later. If you hold back, though, you will impress others and yourself with your self control and wisdom.

--

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December 11, 2011

its do or die

Its a work situation on top of my severe depression I have enlisted the help of the only person who VA help rid me of my problem. If this fails then I'm done its over I do what I need to do my way. I'm fighting a war the biggest battle of my life its all come down to this moment in time. The final battle.

My entire life has been a battle I have fought scores of people over the years over stupid shit but this time it ends one way or another my way. Then I go too. I'm just not happy anymore in this life it wasn't meant for me to be here. I'm not wanted not loved not liked generally and usually I don't give a damn. If I stay my son suffers. If I go he prospers.

I don't expect anyone to understand this how can you its not natural but believe me when I say I was born bad and need to fix reality

words for the week

Sagittarius Dec 11 2011

You may now be taking advice from someone - or worse yet, taking this person's criticisms to heart - simply because you believe the individual is an expert or is respected by other people. But who made your critic king or queen of the castle? Be very leery today and for the rest of this week of anyone who acts like he/she knows more than you, or you may be led down a rocky path. You are the best judge of your own merits now, and you are the best one to make an important decision. Don't put your fate into anyone else's hands.

--

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December 10, 2011

spending time with Louise

seeing what trouble we can find or finds us...I know a certain person we could hunt down like the dog that she is Philadelphia style.


the two of us together is an intriguing combination one picks up for the other in times of need and I desperately need someone to stand by me.


for now, we'll just hang out...


December 7, 2011

a matter of when

I have the power to start the process but will nature take over? Or will it all drag on? For how long? Don't I get a vote? Its time now I can feel it...no one will stop me. They haven't tried anyway so I will move forward. Then everyone can move on...happier

Its time to end therapy as well there is no point in going since I know where I am now.

I will end next week.

very telling

Sagittarius Dec 7 2011

You have changed, Sagittarius. You are not the same person you used to be. Someone may be giving you this message now. And, while it's true in a way, it's not a very sophisticated way of expressing it. To say you have evolved would be more accurate. Deep down, you are still the same person. But you are wiser, deeper, and more experienced. You now have a different way of doing things, and different dreams. Someone in your world may be bothered by some aspect of your evolution, but you can't let that bother you. You are a bigger, better, more interesting version of yourself.  Embrace the new you.

--

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December 6, 2011

alone and empty

I feel it again this big void inside me that will never be filled. No one claims me as their special special one the one they love and will do anything for.there isn't anyone to help me through my medical issues lovingly. Sure I have a husband but he's more of a companion what I mean is someone who holds me at night because I need it and so does he.

I already feel dead inside and out.I wish the embolism had killed me I really do.maybe next time.I can stop the coumadin anytime that's probably all it would take. Who wants a life like this?

I'm tired of seeing happy couples it just reminds me of what I don't have.I hate them all

December 4, 2011

isn't this fitting given my prior post

Sagittarius Dec 4 2011

You like to be in control, Sagittarius. Therefore, you like having fail-safe information to fall back on in any situation. You are a person who does your research. But most things in life don't offer an absolute guarantee. Instead of getting all worked up because you can't be sure of something that is going on in your life, choose to have faith that it will all be all right. Let go of the reins, and trust the universe and your special guardian angel to guide you. Everything will be okay.

--

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grow up

that's what I want to tell my employees tomorrow I've got a four page to do list which includes their couple projects and they are stressed out? I'm in no mood for incompetentence anymore.

I'm not only stressed but ill with this embolism not that they give a shit.it's time to grow up and be accountable for their work. these are adults not children. I can get fired for their inaction so tomorrow is a new day get it done or please move on. I so wish I could I tell them that. instead I hear my standards are to high...really? so theirs aren't? great.

my department is high level so it's expected our standards are high. lord help me calm down before tomorrow. I really need help from above.

December 3, 2011

getting my hair done

hopefully this will cheer me up had a rough day with my employees yesterday who just don't take accountability for their work.


its all my fault as always


December 1, 2011

feel very sick not myself

My dad called and his brother my uncle just suffered three pulmonary embolisms and I still have mine.   I just feel ill and can't really explain my symptoms but just have this overall bad feeling, that won't go away


Perhaps it's the coumadin level again I am too thin. I need to get to the hematologist but keep forgetting to call work gets in the way. I get confused and time goes by too fast. I shouldn't be working but none of my doctors have put me out  so we wlll wait until I collapse again maybe permanently next time who knows.


If it's up to me to beg it won't happen so it is what it is.  Because I was on leave so long I have no days off until July how I'll survive until then is a mystery