November 30, 2011

hurting those I love

Unitended consequences of my past pushed on to some that I truly love and care for more than I can ever express to them. I'm not so good with words unless I am tearing someone apart. When it comes to telling someone how deeply I care for them I find that difficult.

Instead I tell them I'm available day or night whenever they need me. Just call, I'll be there no matter what. I don't say these words to just anyone. I never know though if the person gets the intensity of my feelings when I say this or if they just think they are just words.

All I know is they don't call. So something is either getting lost in my message or they don't feel for me what I feel for them.  I've had to learn to accept that as painful as it day perhaps I'll have an equal relationship. I do have one friend that thinks like me but she moved kind of far away and I feel alone again.

She called tonight and we laughed a bit but she doesn't have a car and my health isn't good and I don't feel up to a long drive right now but she gets me, she's Louise and I'm Thelma and we all know how that story goes!  I really miss her

In the meantime, there are others I connect with but unfortunately there are limitations involved and that makes me sad. It should be something to be excited about and it is temporarily but reality sets in and the sadness takes over....of what may never be only time will tell

November 28, 2011

remember who you are

and where you came from. let no one say or do anything to deter you from your goals. turn the mirror right back on them where it belongs. you come from a long line of strong leaders okay maybe a little misguided at times, we can be street fighters
and tear people up verbally but we always warn them first right?
let what happened today go because tomorrow is another day closer to your goal and you always win whenever you focus on the end goal.

remember that.

November 27, 2011

what I want for my son

Is a healthy mother. I managed to play some board games with him and my husband yesterday and what was amazing was he beat both of us at almost every game of Sorry, Monopoly, Trouble,  and Uno-

Believe me when I say I am very competitive and would never allow even my six year old to beat me. He completely wiped us out almost every game  I had know idea a little genius existed in our house it was wonderful to experience. I certainly don't need to worry much  about his future. 

I am certainly not smarter than a first grader but hey who cares? It was the first  time in a long time that we spent time as a family together and I could tell he enjoyed it. I felt up to it and will keep pushing myself for him so he gets more moments like those.

Today I managed the treadmill for 30 minutes at 2.4 and the embolism didn't explode so I guess exercise is OK.

Today is also day two of me being on the patch although I've cheated twice so 21mg is not enough.  I see my doctor tomorrow. Let's see if I can remain this positive it's been a long time.

Still trying to remember I'm a fighter

November 25, 2011

a time to fight and win

Is who I have always been since the beginning of my life. I never let anyone or anything beat me so why these past few years have I been back and forth about this? I chalk some of this up to these powerful psychiatric drugs they are mind altering. I can see hope though through some of the fog.I just have to try and wean off of the most offending drug seroquel.

I was right all along about this drug it's trouble I found an article on psychcentral that there is now a link between blood clots and antipsychotics and abilify, zyprexa, and seroquel were the three mentioned. I know my weight gain and thyroid problem came from this drug too so now enough is enough. Either I get off of it or it kills me. Now me being a smoker is my problem and lack of exercise is my responsibility although this drug is so sedating my energy is zapped.

Having said this I need something to replace it but what is there? With my DVT history and now the pulmonary embolism I can't take antipsychotics..

Anyway back to the point of this post no more will anyone's comments about my weight or anything negative about me in general get to me. I will use it as I used to in the long ago past as fuel to forge ahead and walk right over their heads with mine held in the right direction up
No more letting anyone at work or outside of work affecting me. Time to turn that mirror the other direction right on them.

November 24, 2011

word to the wise for me

Sagittarius Nov 24 2011

If you are racing and rushing and generally driving yourself crazy to make some self-imposed deadline - slow down. You have recently or will soon celebrate your birthday, Sagittarius. If you have learned anything by now, it is, hopefully, that time is precious. You are an achiever, that's for sure. You are goal-oriented and you are steadfast in your commitments to those goals. But it should also be a goal to treat yourself well in the process. Right now you need more sleep, and a higher level of self-nurturing. Take better care of yourself - make it a birthday present from you to you.


Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.

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November 23, 2011

I feel disgusted again

for most of today I was able to drop the fact that I am 207 lbs my dad was able to break through to me that I had more important concerns like quitting smoking,  focusing on my son, and trying to be me again the real me.

he is referring to the girl that never let anything knock her down for long,  the girl who always got back up and fought her way back from anything and I heard him today ...

then, I went to therapy and a simple discussion about numbness in my hands turned into a reminder from my therapist that I've gained weight and possibly that could be the cause of my numbness.

I was completely knocked over tonight because he knows more than anyone what a weight discussion does to me....sends me into a deep suicidal deepression and just after my birthday and while dealing with this embolism.

he did apologize several times but I'm left wondering why now did he do this? just a slip? was I too happy tonight?  finally starting to feel some of the old me and he even acknowledged that and I am back in bed....took a lorazepam to calm down and I am all focused on how disgusting I look AGAIN.

how will I bring myself out of this now? I should be healing from this damn fucking embolism and I'd rather die from it right now.

November 22, 2011

my birthday my future

I recently suffered a pulmonary embolism as I've written and today is my birthday.  I should be enjoying it my son helped buy my birthday cake and he's all excited about it.

I on the other hand am sitting here wondering if this is my last birthday I'll share with my son. so what's interesting is I am either suicidal or now afraid to die and leave my son all alone.

he knows I'm sick and every night begs to sleep with me so I let him. he's only six and is confused.  I love him with all my heart and soul.

November 19, 2011

unbelievable sadness

I am never going to be who I was a year ago.  she is gone there is no energy,  no motivation,  it's all been replaced first by addiction and now sickness.

I feel sick now, this pulmonary embolism finally did it. It is the last straw for my body. there is no turning back now. I let my health go too long. I'm 207lbs as well and just sick.

mentally and now physically sick. that embolism should've killed me I don't want to live this way. I need to resign from my job. I'm too ill too handle the pressure now.

why am I still walking this earth this is torture all I do now is lay here and cry all day for the person I'll never be again what is the point.

everyone has tried especially my therapist again and again I let everyone down.  it makes everything harder on me.

November 18, 2011

daily horoscope

Sagittarius Nov 18 2011

You are a strong-willed person with a big personality. You are an awesome leader, and a great negotiator. But sometimes, Sagittarius, you are stubborn, and you don't use the tool of compromise when you should. In the very near future, you will become engaged in a battle of wills with someone who is equally assertive. Because this person is so much like you, you may be even more stubborn about meeting him/her halfway. But if you can find a way to cooperate and find middle ground with this individual, you will make great strides toward becoming more whole, and much happier.


Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.

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I'm home wondering what to do

so I lay here with the added stress of a pulmonary embolism in my left lung.  I'm told it could take six to eight weeks to dissolve. I have to inject myself twice per day with a blood thinner.

I have a fear of needles so whether or not I do this I'm not 100% sure.  then there is another thinner at the same time the point is I am walking around with this time bomb it feels like.  now I have to stop smoking and chantix is the option.

there are major psychiatric warnings all over this drug if you've been following me you would tell me to toss it.

we'll see my first week back to work ended this way can't wait to see how next week goes

November 15, 2011

well this is it

a pulmonary embolism and a very painful one at that. I knew these past few weeks I was suffering something was off I was confused a lot. I kept. blaming. topamax.

finally today, I fell flat on the office. floor that's it, that fast.  I was on such pain all day every deep breath stung. it was awful doubled over just walking down the hall.

I've been alone at this hospital nurses ignoring my calls, still in my work clothes, husband just landed from out of town, my psych meds had to be ordered and of course late.

I've been crying,  yelling,  at the staff, I took off for awile, funny thing was they did know I left the building,. I ran into traffic hoping someone would hit luck.   came back to the room

I'm in pain

when I take a deep breath I get a sharp pain in my left lower side and back it hurts bad. I think I slept wrong or something it hurts to move too. just what I needed my second week back to work more health problems

November 13, 2011

my son has me at the carnival

I'm confused and dizzy my husband is out of town.  I'm not ready to be alone with my son I'm scared.

I can't be here long its a school night I found a bench to sit on. my son is getting upset he wants more rides but I'm having a hard time watching him I lose track of him too easy.

this was a mistake I'm scared. my brain isn't working. ever since that last episode when I went manic something got messed up. I see him on a ride now but we need to leave I am about to breakdown. oh no he's not on that ride shit oh shit help me god

ok I found him on the swing and put him on the Ferris wheel tomorrow is therapy its going to be hard to bring him with me. I may need to cancel. I can't handle this enormous stress. I have to drive home to get him then drive all the way to therapy. I'm too fragile way too fragile. but deciding now under pressure isn't best. my husband should not have left bad idea

November 12, 2011

crying mess

sitting in my car in a parking lot just crying not understanding why. I want my dad.
he can fix me I know he can my therapist can too but he's not going to hop in his car and come and get me.

yesterday my pdoc said something that I find hurtful today . I told him that during my last hospitalization I apparently
called my therapist asking him to come get me and take me home. my pdoc said that was the grandiose entitled side of me.

I don't even remember making that call I was manic from the previous pdoc overdosing me on cymbalta.
so there is another flaw in me ontop of many others ......grandiose and entitled. only the problem is no one in my life
ever treats me special at all so how does either of those titles fit.

nope...I'm left out in the world alone there is nothing special going on over here.

November 11, 2011

again couldn't see my therapist

there isn't enough lorazepam in the world to calm me tonight.  there was one opening but I was in a meeting I almost fell on the floor when I found out I missed the window.

deeper now into deepression sitting in a parking lot wondering what to do and where to go. I'm lost.

November 10, 2011

my p-doc suggested ECT

wow, I didn't see that coming tonight.  I told him about my deep dark depressions that I have a hard time pulling myself out of. I left out the part about taking too many geodon pills so I wouldn't wake up again.

he said since most drugs have been tried on me we could try adding saphris.  if that doesn't work then he suggested ECT. My dad's aunt had shock treatments years ago. I have. a seizure disorder though this scares me. I'll feel like a freak.

I'd rather die. I told my dad about taking the pills I just don't care anymore can't explain why.

my fucking mother sent me a text today. it enraged me I deleted it. I hate her always will. this is all her fault. my being born for starters...


November 7, 2011

neverending body image

disgusting body image which isn't an image at all its real. I am way too large. I am saddened at what my body has become.
I used to be a size 10 or 12 but fit. I was happy I felt comfortable in my own skin. but ever since childbirth and psychiatric drugs my body has become 16 to18 and flabby. this is a big part of my suicidal. feelings. it sickens me to
look in the mirror all my meds are sedative so working out is impossible right now.

I hate being seen by others wondering what they must think. I am not eating bad at all so what gives?
life really keeps slamming me with hard blows. nightmares at work, psychiatric problems, weight problems
nightmare mother, addiction, what else? how much more am I supposed to shoulder?

that ledge is never far and at any moment I can go over its just a matter of time.
there is someone waiting for me on the other side and I need her now more than ever

November 4, 2011

struggling again damn it

tonight I will go to the next level I've had enough of going this alone in this much pain fuck everyone. I don't need you I have pills that can put me out long enough to forget you exist and with any luck never wake up at all.

if luck is on my side that is with that. I would never turn my back on anyone the way people have on me...good the truth will come out and names will be known of who it is that hurt me.

good luck
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November 3, 2011

to my son

I love you more than anything in this world. you are my favorite son my only child. I enjoyed every second of being pregnant with you. I drove to work rubbing my stomach and talking to you.

I told you all about how I grew up I only told you funny stories and left out the pain, chaos, and trauma. you would move all around as I spoke and I loved you more and more each day.

I could not wait to see your little face and eyes and hold you in my arms. you are way more than I expected and are achieving so much at such a young age. I hope you continue to do well in baseball you are a natural pitcher like you're great. grandfather was and much smarter than any of us in math and science, but most important my baby is how caring towards others you are.

you know somehow every time that I need you no matter how hard I try to hide it. you take care of all of your friends you are the example for others to follow and someday you will be noticed for your compassion I just don't know in what way.

I am proud of you for you are the one thing I did right in my life. you were my purpose. it is my wish that you never know pain the way I have, I pray that your struggles are few, that people treat you well, and give you the benefit of the doubt I wasn't afforded.

you deserve the best life has to offer and I know you will grab every second of life that you can. your bright smile leads your path and will take you to good places.

I will always love you more than anyone ever could because I am your mother and I know everything about you. I memorized the way you sounded as you slept as a baby, the way you sounded as you walked or ran around the house. this is how I always know where you are. I had to compensate for my lack of concentration and other deficiencies . anyway I love you my son forever
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November 2, 2011

the big decision live or die

every mental health sufferer's big question and one not to be taken lightly. how easy it is for me to talk about this subject without much emotion when the outcome clearly affects my family and friends in various ways.

I can only discuss this with my therapist and my blog for obvious reasons. I don't find the topic to be scary in fact it would relieve others and myself of years of pain. I don't see a cure for bipolar in my future or my addiction and I am practically impossible to deal with. I am different with my son but he deserves more. I am right now sinking even lower as I type. there is so much happening in my head I want to smash it against the wall and would if that would work.

again how will this all end and by when?
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November 1, 2011

my son

I managed to get out of bed long enough to go to see part of his baseball game. he hit the ball got on first and eventually scored.

I then came home it was the best I could do. I felt bad I was unable to take him last night trick or treating. I love him more than anything and I hope he felt that for a time tonight.

I wish I could be more for him but I'm unable. how again am I going back to work next week?

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what do I do with this

another morning of deep depression this isn't going to lift on it's own. I've never been this low ever. what now? I can't and won't go back in a hospital not for a third time. I really don't want to end it but don't want to feel like this another minute. I have become a suicidal nut for months now and have no idea why. all I know is one day I may stop talking about it and when that happens it'll be because I did it.
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