October 31, 2011

the answer to my problem is

get rid of me. I am the problem. once I go, the bipolar and all the crap that comes with it is gone too.

everyone can go on with their lives without me scaring them, aging them, or torturing them I'm any way. all I do is hurt those I love even when I promise not to. I hate who I am today is it the psych meds or the real me? I don't know anymore.

my son deserves a mother right now he has a medicated version of something but I'm not sure what.

so, I found the cure for my conditiom now I need the method and the day. that's the easy part the hard part is leaving my son it always has been but after today I realized I cannot be fixed and I continue to hurt those I love

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October 30, 2011

look around there is no one here

I'm alone I usually like it that way but it feels dangerous now. there is something inside me that I don't recognize and it scares me. its a new kind of darkness one that has taken me over completely. I can barely move and get out of bed. if I do this wave of deep depression comes over me and slows me down.

then I get angry because I can't concentrate, I'm in a fog don't feel like doing anything and I'm supposed to be back to work in a week. how is this going to work?

I may not even go to therapy tomorrow because of what is happening to me let alone work. I'll probably get fired week one.

nothing is helping anymore so why bother going to any of my individual or group sessions . it's over for me there is no cure and no hope.

I can't live this way one more day and no one is hearing me.
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October 29, 2011

I hate my illness and the way I'm being treated

Seroquel went up to 300, Vyvanse only went up to 50mg from 40mg gee how very fucking generous of him, I mean her the nurse practitioner. I am supposed to start work on the 7th and they plan on increasing Vyvanse 10mg each month to 70mg. I will not be at my best regarding performance.

I see this is a big fucking joke because this is the second one now that doesn't get it. I cannot function completely so I am not in my right mind mistakes get made among other things. My job is all attention to detail, reviewing mounds of documentation mine and my employees, reports, etc.

I am feeling rageful right now over this. So rageful that I could honestly drive a knife through my own head. what's the difference I can't concentrate fully anyway.

I burst into tears yesterday because I hate having any of these conditions and even more I hate having to rely on doctors to help me manage the symptoms because its their call only on when that happens and I am FORCED TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DECISIONS EVERY TIME. It isn't fair, it is not humane etc. It isn't even just about work. I have to drive on the road a distracted driver isn't a good idea idiots is it?

My return to work paperwork from this doctor states "poor memory and poor concentration" which is true medicated or not but what he has done now is ensured that my boss and others will see first hand that I don't have mself together.

For the last time I have a high level job which really is my career and he's messing with it. It wasn't Vyvanse that caused the god damned mixed mania episode which was the one and only I have ever had in my life.

It was the Cymbalta which my incompetent prior pdoc overdosed me on unecessarily. But try and tell that to my new doctor, try and get my therapist to support me and tell this new doctor that for me, just try any of this and you will be disappointed.

Its me against them...and I'm the one losing. My job is to shut up and be patient and let these genius doctors work their magic on me and in due time all will be well.

I have a few wishes and their sadistic. I wish they lost their concentration for a month and were dependent on someone else for help and were refused. How would they feel? They would be in a state of confusion like I am in right now my head isn't right, I can't move off of my chaise, off in space is where I am and its 3:18 if it were a work day I would be in a bad spot. Its hopeless.

They are pushing me to the end of the line I'm serious to the end of the line. I hate being dependent on others for my well being because they don't care they really don't. I've learned so much the past two weeks about who cares for me and who doesn't. The list is short, very short.

I want what everyone else wants love, acceptance, friendship,and a somewhat normal existence. I'm coming to the realization that it isn't going to happen for me, I have tried everything and I'm getting worse.

The despair I feel is intense, the abandonment even more intense and there isn't anything I can do about it, the end is nearer than I thought.

I need a miracle right now, I really do. I've never asked for one but something has to happen to either bring me out of this deep despair before it is too late whatever is going to happen let it happen already and get it over with, I'm tortured......

this is what I have been feeling...

Sagittarius Oct 29 2011
You are on the verge of losing something that was once very important to you. This might mean a friendship, a romance, or some relationship that was pivotal to your happiness - or your unhappiness. You may be telling yourself that this person doesn't have anything to offer you, or that you two have outgrown each other, or that you have good reason to feel the way you do about cutting ties. But there may be an untold aspect of the story that you will need to discover first before you make a life-altering decision.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile
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October 28, 2011

decisions...some easy some painful

today it hit me it is time that I make certain decisions that are affecting my recovery.

I know what they are one became crystal clear this week its just when and how do I end these relationships.

damage has been done and not sufficiently repaired and I don't think it can be. not as long as I am seen as the problem and not someone to care about or keep promises to.

what I do know is who I am. an honest, loyal, friend who puts others before herself. I made a new friend who I adore she is wacky like me and knows me without explanation.

she has my back 100%. now my husband and the others they don't so I'm not wasting anymore time on a lost cause.

I am devastated severe losses do me in and I'm not sure how bad this will get but once trust is broken its broken.
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October 27, 2011

suffering badly

taking my meds and hopefully not waking up until tomorrow at 8:00
I've been up since 2:00am today in a crazy mood but also sick, fatigued and out of it.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow I need his help if I live through the night that is

part of how bad I feel has to do with yesterday which I did not need but the rest is physical

I wish I had someone here to hold me
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October 26, 2011

when therapy isn't enough

lately I have been unable to leave my therapist's office without practically throwing a fit. today I wanted to tell the next person to get the fuck out of the office because I'm not leaving.

this is not normal behavior for me. I asked if I could come back for a third time and he said my insurance won't let me. my plan is unlimited I could see three therapists if I wanted to.

I am resisting the urge to check it out for myself because if they say its not a problem I will absolutely lose it.

his suggestion was PHP. no, I just need more time with him as I go through my get off disability phase and go back to work. I am now in an ABANDONMENT nightmare.

all I do is make plans and neither of them are healthy but what other option do I have. people keep turning away from me, dad included.

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DBSA Meeting tonight

I went even though I didn't feel like it. talked about my return to work fears. one participant had a good suggestion to list all my fears and responses to the fears. this way I'm prepared for what may or may not happen.

he is also a business professional and said he wants to talk to me because he has a lot of connections with all sorts of companies and may be able to help me make some connections.

so it was ok to go BUT my plans haven't changed I'm still working on my own action plan my family deserves a better life than what they have right now.

bipolar, ADD, suicidal thoughts, wild animal reactions that come out unexpectedly are all a very painful LIFE SENTENCE and there is no cure.

safety for those around me must come first. my son will have the life I promised him and I will do whatever I have to do to make that happen.

I am his mother and that is my responsibility and I love him with all of my heart and soul.
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October 24, 2011

to my best friend my sister

I meant what I said tonight we are like Thelma and Louise from the day we met in group. instantly I knew there was something about you that was both different but the same as me.

this connection was immediate and smacked me in the face as it did for you. no one gets our connection but they don't have to. all that matters is we do. we were meant to meet.

we saved each others lives. I took you in when you needed a home and you spent your last 40 on a cab ride to my house when I had a psychotic break and got me to a hospital.

you keep promises when others don't. you tell the truth when others lie. I love you.

I might've died that day if not for you and for that alone you are special. I may die anyway as we talked about tonight but you understand why and who is all responsible .

you feel as I do left alone lost forgotten and given up on. we only have each other now. its just us kid.

the two Philly girls, misunderstood and underestimated...for now as we said...love you
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there is nothing left to do

I'm done. its over, hopeless and unloved above all else by all.

time for action what will they all say then...we should've done more? can't say they didn't know I have been in pain pleading for their love and help. just live with it...I'm tired
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October 23, 2011

just when it couldn't possibly get worse

my disability checks are suspended Jesus fucking Christ. my husband just imploded. no warning no phone call. they don't have to live with my husband I do.

how did this happen? I'm not back to work yet. now I have to call them and I'm not looking forward to that.

there is just no RECOVERY only suicide there I said it. I finally said it and I am becoming more comfortable with it as each day gets worse and worse.
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October 20, 2011

backed into a corner

what else is there to do all other options shut down...I'm torn apart and lost with just myself to rely on and I'm unreliable because I'm sick right now. I'm sitting here waiting for my meeting to start and I'm early wondering why I am even here.

what good is this even doing? I just feel like an outsider listening to stories I can't relate to.

my higher power is my aunt Helen and not God. I can't talk about him. I can't have a male sponsor and I refuse to consider a woman sponsor so what am I doing here?

I already have made up my mind on how to resolve my problem am I having second thoughts? Alex can't afford that.

the sooner the better otherwise this never ends. I tried everything therapy, medication, rehab, even that terrible outpatient program and a second hospitalization.

i went at this for years no one can tell Alex I didn't give it everything I had in me because I did. some battles cannot be won no matter how badly a person wants to win it.

my baby can't afford to have a mother like I had and as Anthony pointed out, that is what he has.

not if I can I can stop it and that I will I love you Alexander with everything I've got.
.

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October 19, 2011

i feel worse than ever

with no clear answers nowhere. to turn I just want to run and hide far away location number two. no one is aware of that location just me.

dad I wish I could've seen you first I really do. you could've stopped me, changed the outcome but no one takes me seriously. I'm all talk, part of me apparently is quite amusing to some like some sort of entertainment.

but you know me, the real me. I'm not so entertaining when I snap, lose it, come apart, split, am I? do I go to work?, run, resign
or what? you didn't raise a quitter but I'm sick dad, very sick and confused. I need you now more than ever but the trip
got ruined and I'm lost. Anthony hurt me beyond words I feel dead inside and just like her. all my attempts to be the opposite
have failed he showed me that so it's over.

I am her Alexander has lost a mother its time to right that wrong

no dad you understand and don't be mad at Anthony for bringing that fact out. he has this ability
to see the truth although I love Alexander more than I love myself and I will prove it. I love
you daddy more than you'll ever know. the card I sent you barely touches how
how deep my love for you is.

just yelled at my husband

told him off for forcing me back to work, trapping me in my own home with his parents. until two weeks
from now. I refuse to eat because I haven't lost enough weight to get into my work clothes. I only drink a shake and have
have tuna and crackers,.that's it with coffee

we'll see how it goes

October 17, 2011

need to watch what i say

in therapy, my NA meeting or to my husband when it involves suicidal feelings. I don't want my new psychiatrist finding out or
another trip to the hospital in my future. I admitted in therapy might've been a big mistake already. I need to learn to zip
it.

why must I be so damn honest. did I really need to say I'm close to relapse too? noooo. I'm asking for more distrust. I haven't
done anything so why even go there? that's what NA is for. now he's waiting for me to screw up. dad's right honest to
a fault. T already doesn't trust me now he really doesn't. I'm back at ground zero and alone again.

he said tonight he's worried so here we.are he's lost faith. should I just quit? I can't take anymore losses right now. he would
be the biggest loss ever. if he loses faith in me I'm dead for sure.....inside.

I'm sitting outside my meeting hall in the parking lot and I can't move. I don't want to go home aunt Helen please come and
get me take me with you....please

October 15, 2011

misunderstood again

my family and I use the term loosely. my dad told my brother that I used to. be his strong child until the doctors, the medications, the bipolar and other diagnosis started. see this is part of why my dad's trip was important. he was going to
meet my therapist the only person in my world I can count on and trust to explain all of this.

my brother just had me in tears even said I am like my fucking mom now with all the pills, doctors, and hospitals.
I let him have it. my baby brother who I've adored my whole life, protected, fought for, sacrificed for just can't open
his mind for one damn minute.

I didn't need this right now I am so on edge so fragile and not recovered yet. I feel too close to relapse already and now I just
don't know. my inlaws are invading my home for three weeks I have to go back to work, Jimmy wont respond to my apology, I'm still overweight, I'm lost, and most of all ALONE WITH ALL OF THESE EXTREMELY PAINFUL FEELINGS WITH NO OUTLET.

I NEED HELP. will it ever come?

October 14, 2011

note to self

1. do not open your heart to him anymore he hurts you
2. do not contact him again you only get hurt more
3. do not ever apologize even when you're wrong he doesn't deserve it
4. remember anyone who claims to love you and plays games when you are vulnerable is evil.
5. someone who creates such intense pain for you that you wish you were dead at that moment is probably
not good for you.

so why do you care for him so much? why is it that inspite of the above you forgive him and go back?

drugs can't hide the pain forever, others can't fill the void, death is final

now take your pills and SLEEP

ok i'm out

going for a drive, will I come back? lets see if I do. maybe I won't, who cares

i dont trust myself

to make it out of addiction, bipolar, and the self harm that goes along with all of this.
it's too hard I'm trying but I'm still too fat. I have to go back to work soon and the weight loss is too slow.

I'm still spending money, still suicidal, still isolating, still wishing a truck would just hurry up and
run me over. two hospitalizations later and the meds are better but I'm not.

I feel forever broken. at the last hospital some were doing ECT TREATMENTS. I wonder if they would work
'on me? anyone know anything about them?

October 12, 2011

my dad is not coming

I'm in crisis not only do I have to go back to the hell hole by force. my dad can't move his trip up. I don't even know if my position still exists. I put a call into my boss through his secretary and heard nothing.

I'm back at ground zero cried and begged my dad to come but he can't. now. I took my pills early I hope I never wake up.
never. I am being forced to live a life I no longer want to live. EVERYONE LEAVE ME ALONE.

NOONE UNDERSTANDS A FUCKING THING I SAY. one day they will but it'll be too late.

to all of you in my life I say this you should've listened
you should have cared and been here for me like I am for you
you should have believed me when I said I'm tired and had enough
is it that hard to love me?

I'm in crisis and alone again everyone says I'm better and stable go back to
work....really

watch this

October 11, 2011

absolutely torn apart

I cannot sleep I am torn apart. I went to see my psychiatrist tonight and saw the nurse instead. I really needed to work out whether or not I am going to go back to work, apply for more time off, quit, let them fire me or what. I am so thoroughly confused I don't know which way I am going right now.

I just know I'll be up all night now. I am letting too many people influence me, its my decision. I have to live with it. I am not ready, just not ready. I just got out of the hospital again. I've been through too much. I recovery program that fucked me up for months, a bad psychiatrist that almost killed me, the stress I left at work still exists there and I have no idea how I'll handle it because I'm not any better on the outside yet.

Fuck everyone else they don't have to live with this decision I do. My employer has jerked me around with this paperwork bullshit so much I have a headache and now the only way to save my job is to tell all and ask for an accommodation under ADA to my supervisor. Great so all my mental health info on paper for him to read and possible the bigger bosses and then how exactly do I face everyone? So my choices are go back before I'm ready or embarrass myself???? They found a way around HIPAA I see.

I am so fed up with this process. Why not just let the clock run out and let them terminate me...who cares at this point. If my only option for extra time beyond 60 unpaid days is to bare all of my mental health issues then forget it terminate me. I'd rather that on my record. I guess the other question though is what happens to the disability. I am so confused. I was approved through December 12th so how can I be approved there and then unpaid leave expires November 7th on the employer side...someone help me with this process. Are they really separate. I was just going by the disability dates once FMLA was exhausted, HR wasn't informing me of anything until one day the letters started streaming in...

Trying to recover and follow the paperwork trail has been a nightmare. I'm over it. I don't care what happens anymore, I just don't care

October 9, 2011

isolation

I am isolating today and don't know why. loneliness is creeping in and I can feel the darkness taking over.
nothing in particular has triggered this but the wave is coming.

I'm scared.

October 6, 2011

elder abuse

on my last psychiatrist appointment before being hospitalized this woman tearfully admitted to me she was being abused by
her caregiver (sister) I witnessed some of it and wanted to knock this woman on her ass. I immediately reported it to my psychiatrists assistant it turned out we both saw the same man.

I spent the next two hours disarming the abusive woman with friendly chat. the more friendly the abuser became the more relaxed this poor woman became. I know all to well how to handle a bully. before long the frightened woman smiled a little and only then did the abuser begin to pretend to show care and concern for her. it made me absolutely sick to watch.

my psychiatrist switched our appointments to hear my version and I told him what I saw, heard, and what the woman admitted
to me. I offered to testify. I got a sense though that he may not act on it. I already anticipated that and ahead of time got the names of both women. the victim told me she did tell my former pdoc and he's done nothing

if true, I'll fry him for that he's bound by law to report it....I will see to it he does his job.

my blog made the top 50 list!!!

I am writing about this late, I've had had medication troubles. and psychiatrist challenges and hopefully my last hospitilization.
what an honor that my blog was considered let alone chosen for this list.



I will try to upload the image from my phone that the author sent me. please read her site it's full of great information along
with the other 49 sites she chose to highlight as well.

I thank her again for listing my blog .

the image should appear at the top right of my blog and this post if I do it
right.