September 28, 2011

replacement can be healthy right?

I believe so anyway. a reall person to spend jpurd with laughing and not even know the. time
someone who through a look PR smile knows what you meant...
no apologies nerdfed.

its often hard work to reach others how my my mind works butnot her she aiready new me and I her.

is she right for because I a desperatelymoirm him I really I fee close to relapse dangerously. close.
he can't. be my sponsor I want to die tonoght

September 23, 2011

accept what cannot be changed

I went to my NA group last night and talked for the first time in months of attending. it was about how I can't recover because my pdoc arrogantly refuses to medicate me properly.

I rant about this almost hourly now to the point of obsession. I feel controlled and it makes me insanely angry. however what can I do about it anymore? nothing.

I refuse to derail my recovery from drug abuse over this Jack ass. I've come this far if he won't trust me so be it. I'm not turning back.

I'll just have to live without full concentration and moderate anxiety. it's unfair but my only option.

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September 19, 2011

medication troubles

I've written about this before but let's break it down so it makes more sense to me and everyone else. I have the following conditions:

1. Bipolar II;
2. ADD (inattentive type);
3. Major Depression;
4. Complex partial seizures;

For a short period of time, I abused diet pills to get into a stupid dress for my brother's wedding. Let me not minimize this. Some of the pills I ordered were not diet pills but found out to be benzo's. I did not know that until later after detox. Its no wonder I didn't lose weight.

I take the following medications at this point:

1. Geodon 160mg;
2. Vyvanse 70mg;
3. Trileptal 1,200mg (weaning off)
4. Topamax presently 100mg per day goal is 400 per day (titrating up)
5. Cymbalta 60mg

I am lucky I even got Vyvanse back considering the stimulant abuse but my last dose which was the best for my work schedule was 80mg (40/40) split am and pm. My p-doc refuses to even consider going back to this dose. I've offered continued drug testing at my expense, declined.

The second issue is my anxiety is not being treated. Seroquel used to take care of that but I gained a substantial amount of weight on that medication and refuse to go back. Geodon is good it wakes me up a bit too often but it also keeps me from laying around all day and the hunger isn't there. My therapist and p-doc are trying to get me to go back on Seroquel rather than consider a benzo. Most likely because they believe I a, this huge benzo abuser.

September 7, 2011

there are no more options

the doors were all shut in my face today I am heartbroken.

there is medicine to treat my anxiety and I am not good enough to treat respectfully so I suffer.

there is weight loss surgery that I am sure my insurance would pay for the timing is perfect but I am a risk for both of these doctors. denied options available to others.

in my desperate search to help myself I am left abandoned, humiliated, and out of options.

I am not worthy of basic medical care but I should love myself? ??

I am always fighting all alone and left crying and devastated. fine I give up its over and on them now
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September 3, 2011

lonely tonight

it's beautiful out tonight and I am missing going out all dressed up having fun dancing and laughing with friends. that just isn't my life anymore it's all recovery or supposed to be recovery and job loss.

the job loss is my choice because I have to leave or I end up getting in serious trouble. the thing is what do I do with all this absolute rage I have about the situation?

lonely and rageful what a combination the tears will follow soon enough. I hate myself and this poor excuse for a life
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