August 31, 2011

weight nightmare

the scale hit an all time high today. I am not eating more something is wrong and I can't control it. I wont live this way that I can control and it won't take long either. tomorrow I'm supposed to get out of bed and go to the program I DON'T WANT TO GO. I hate life just hate it
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August 30, 2011


here I am again suffering. who am I? who can I be? who will I be? on top of feeling so bad today the surgery center is calling me ....

I am not calling them back no more bad news if the tumor is malignant I don't want to know it....ever. I have three others whatever it is it's all over me anyway. calling me before 10 days is not a good sign.

I leave it up to God ...all of it
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August 27, 2011

the pain is all mine to bear (trigger)

I am physically ill this morning. I don't ever want to return to the recovery program. So much has transpired and every time I voice a concern its turned back on me as if I am the only person involved. I am the problem, I split people between those who are with me versus those who are against me.

I did in this situation because it is not unlike how I've been treated my entire life. I started inpatient and did tell two therapists I already had one because my impression was that he would be part of the team. This did not happen so perhaps with fear really behind the statement, I made it. One woman with a bruised ego was antagonistic towards me from that point on. She hurt my son by having him wait for his mother and blew it off as if it was nothing. She humiliated me in a group session. My concerns were never acknowledged I was told "no one has an agenda here".

August 26, 2011

time for change

I've been up half the night thinking and thinking about how I can stop right now ruining relationships I do not want to lose. I am nauseous over it and somehow have to fight the other voices in my head that tell me not to trust when I know I can trust a few, its a small few but it doesn't matter I'd rather have quality than quantity in terms of close relationships.

I am coloring this mandala greeting card and have been throughout the night. Its getting my mind off the pain in my leg from the surgery, pain meds can only do so much after all. Its also slowing me down so I can think about who I am coloring this card for and why its important to me to finish it. I realized last night that I am reliving a painful moment that I experienced a few years ago. Coloring the mandala has brought this out and I cried so much I thought I ruined the card but I didn't, just my bed sheet.

This has to stop with me sometime or I really will be alone which isn't what I want deep down. I isolate more than the average person and I know it. I retreat into myself when I am so convinced some how that I've been wrong about trusting the right people and continue to trust the wrong ones.

August 25, 2011

Completely empty

Well the surgery went good I was wrong about that. I assumed based on prior experiences it would be a disaster. I don't even feel pain right now probably because I am keeping up the pain meds like they told me to.

I just feel so empty and feel guilty for feeling empty at the same time. My dad didn't call to see if I was okay nor my brother. I've lost my best friend who is my son's godmother and I don't know why she won't take my calls. I bought her a birthday card but probably shouldn't send it and just back off.

All I do is cry anymore or run away. It is so hard for others to show love to me and I can only think it is because there is something wrong with me. I talked to a friend I work with the other day and she said she wished she could protect me at work but no one can promise that. I've not only promised that I've done it. Its because I truly care about those close to me. It's real, it's the only real side of me that isn't bad.

August 21, 2011

getting worse

today was another bad day. I was confused twice this weekend unaware of the day or time. having trouble standing in one place without falling and nerves in both of my feet are numb.

I had a breakdown because I can't take the medical problems anymore or being at this damn fucking weight.

I want to quit smoking but can't until my weight is under control. I already went to the doctor and that was a waste. I bet its because I am still on prozac. I want off now that I have cymbalta.

don't see why I can't move this along faster. how many more breakdowns can a girl survive
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August 20, 2011

how to say i am sorry

I have many people to apologize to who stuck by me through my full fledged addiction. The two main ones are my therapist and my husband. I've known this and have apologized but not to my satisfaction.

I'm not sure they can feel  my apology. I am difficult to deal with for anyone but these two have demonstrated such patience with me and I wonder why and don't feel deserving of it.

I had run out on my therapist a few times, gotten angry over nothing with him and accused him of not caring countless times when he was the whole time. What the fuck is wrong with me? This is how I destroy relationships. My husband has other issues that cause me pain but that's not true with my therapist yet I continue to bring stupid things up. Some from years ago which must feel terrible since he is there for me now and always has  been.

It doesn't matter anymore that my trust issues run deep why do I continue to feel once ounce of rejection or abandonment and then cast him in the role of persecutor? Yesterday, I went off that he didn't intervene for me in the outpatient program when I am clearly not doing well and actually in some cases worse. I'm an adult and should be able to handle it myself. I have in certain instances but I tire out easily and shut down.

After all, I am the drug addict, the sick patient so why would some in the outpatient program take a look at themselves to see their ego often gets in the way. I have been accused of having the ego, chronic uniqueness. I guess my therapist agrees based on a prior conversation with him.

That hurt too but why? I know its true to a certain degree but most of the time there is no ego and I certainly hardly ever feel unique. My real mother god love her is responsible for some of the uniqueness if I exhibit that to others. She loves me still I can feel her but not as often as I used to.

She showed her love in the following ways and not in any particular order;

August 18, 2011

dear mommy

I think of you and miss you every day but when I really feel deep sadness and think of you its because something has triggered me and all I want is you.

This is because I feel right now as though I have no one else who loved me and supported me. You are an angel up above there is no doubt in my mind about that.

Here is a short summary of your affect on me:

You never caused me any pain;
You loved me unconditionally;
You held yourself in high regard;
Honesty was always your best policy;
You loved everything people, places, animals;
You corrected injustices swiftly and firmly; and
You always wore a hat, pretty gloves and lipstick

You were one of a kind, the mold never to be repeated. I need you now more than ever, just once I wish I could see you, talk to you and hold you. I know you know what is happening to me and I know it saddens you. I know this because I know you. You are the best part of me. For my very small group of true friends, I give them that part of you whenever I can or they need it.

Some have abused it, taken it for granted, felt it was clingy and not genuine, but that is the part of themselves that they see not part of me.

This is why I get hurt all the time as I am now. I sometimes give that part of me to those who can't understand it or fear it. I am suffering for that now, I truly am.

What do I do now? Where do I turn? Please tell me so the hurt goes away....

August 16, 2011

the distrust and consequences continue

Well just came from seeing my family doctor and surprise, surprise, was asked to provide a urine sample. Did my p-doc believe I was lying that I would be honest?? Of course he did. I came to this visit with my initial drug and medical test results from the hospital because I have a thyroid problem and because honesty is supposed to be the way forward to being trusted.

Obviously, my doctors are all talking. During the visit I was also asked if I am in therapy and what topics we cover. God damn it I don't want anyone in my business like this. I didn't mention trauma and will never mention trauma there is too much written about me already. I was going to tell him off but if I am not careful it will get worse. Although, it already is worse.

Then he asked what labs I go to so he also knows about the test result fuck up. I am not stupid I am going to connect the dots. I can't trust anyone right now in my so fucking called recovery process. They are all working against me and are trying to smack me down. I should have ended it long ago.

I am experiencing severe depression again over this. Also, because I drank a stupid latte my heart and blood pressure were up. If these doctors try to take my concentration medication again, I swear and promise, I will quit my job and turn in my driver's license and none of these doctors will see me ever again. My health be damned. I can finally concentrate because my p-doc finally fucking listened to me that I cannot function without the right level. We compromised on the mg. but I was so happy and content until today. Take my  brain away, I go with it.

Again, I should never have gone down the recovery path this has been anything but recovery. While at the pharmacy I took my own blood pressure on the machine and guess what? 118/78. See the latte was gone so was the elevated blood pressure....bastards.

I absolutely hate my life and am powerless to change it. No one trusts me anymore so why walk this earth? why get out of fucking bed in the morning. I was about to tell my boss I feel well enough to return I talk to him tomorrow now I'm not so sure I should say that because at any moment, my ability to function is at risk.

At any moment....I will trust no one from this moment forward.

August 14, 2011

what has happened to me

This past almost two months has been a nightmare. I don't know who I am anymore, what I want, where to go from here. I'm lost...absolutely lost. I don't want to go back to my job, I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to wake up to see tomorrow.

Again, what has happened to me? Should I care? Its like I am outside of myself watching me spiral down more and more each day. I just don't know what else to do, say, or be. Why am I even here?

Is it the meds? Geodon is sort of new, prozac is something I'm used to. I don't even know if the meds are the problem, I am the problem and there are no answers.

I feel like even my blog has lost its way, all I do is ramble, rant, or cry on here anymore. I wanted this to be of help to others and I just don't see that I am able to help anyone with these posts.

It was my journey but to where? I don't see the light.

Same lines different day

I talked to my dad yesterday for awhile and again the only answer he has for not coming to visit me is first " you moved out there" and second " I can't because of the business". If my brother had been the one to go through what I am going through, he would have knocked everyone over running out of the door to go see him.

I know this because he's done this in the past. My brother lived in Virginia while in the Navy and was in a hospital for a bit. Dad immediately ran out there. This is the hardest my life has been since moving here and neither he or my brother are here. Interesting.

August 13, 2011

finally some peace

My husband and son are off to Chicago just took them to the airport. I hate that my son is gone but I'm glad to have space from my husband. They won't be back until next sunday.

I have a lot to think about and enjoy being ALONE to do so. So what if I isolate? I know its a problem in the program but its what I do. I don't need friends to hang out with.

Its best that I am alone right now...just for the best

August 11, 2011

So how much would you negotiate to function?

This is how my day went today at the IOP. I was to see the nurse because I took myself off of Strattera, which the drug almost killed me and I was told to sign a contract or face a court order back to their inpatient. They would need ten people to get me to go back to that hell hole. I told her and the program Director that I am not recovering and the reasons why.

If I can't focus and be somewhat normal there is NO RECOVERY. I have worked enough with this doctor. I won't go into all the gory details here but later this afternoon the nurse asks me to come over again and begins negotiating with my milligrams of Vyvanse.

Would I accept 20mg twice a day? No because 40mg doesn't work now so splitting it will do nothing.
My response was met with "now psychclient you need to work with the doctor". Fucking seriously? I have worked with him and this recovery program for too long.

August 9, 2011

mind control...

I am over the edge again. Its 1:15pm and it took me three tries to get to CVS. I kept passing it up. I cannot function, am looked at as a loser, and to top it  off CVS refilled my trileptal under my previous doctor AGAIN.

It can't be fixed either. God damn it this is going to be looked at as I am purposely doing something wrong. I can't take this anymore. I am the one who told my current p-doc about the mixup and said I would fix it and its not fixed. Why some might ask did I not notice this when I picked it up? BECAUSE I CANNOT FUCKING CONCENTRATE.

I need to resign from my job this is too much and like I said, I won't live this way its mind control. I'm being punished for what I did and it will never end. I bet this will impact all medications I ever need in the future too. Again, I won't live this way.

I was already accused of being a coke head. That was absolutely humiliating, my RESULTS WERE CONTAMINATED OR SWITCHED DAMN IT. I bet they still don't believe it. After all, I am a lying, manipulative, drug addict. Thats my new label and it will never go away

My mind was controlled all my life by both parents. They purposely never got me to doctors because there was "nothing wrong with me". It made my life unbearable, did horribly in school, and dead end jobs. That nothing wrong turned out to be complex partial seizure, ADD, major depression and bipolar and who knows what else but I'm just not being told about it.

Its happening again but this time the ending won't be the same it just won't. First the job and then I know what I need to do and not let anyone stop me. Ever.

It's time to move on...

So, I will look at options discussed yesterday. I need to recover and have time to do it now. Why let a few ruin that for me. Whether or not that is their intent that is what is happening. Take care of the medications and I can move on with the rest. Side effects do nothing but piss me off and prevent me from moving forward.

I need to understand though that I got myself to this place. The way to building trust from me to others is to give me the opportunity to do so. Not feeling that trust both ways is possible leads me to hopelessness. I can't move forward and it turns me into a fighter. Medicating me incorrectly hurts my progress and really turns me into a fighter even more.

August 7, 2011

what the hell is wrong?

What I typed yesterday didn't appear here. I must not have hit publish. Anyway, this post was mostly about Strattera and the program I am in leading to more....suicidal thoughts. I don't need help in that area and want them to disappear.

What other treatments help with severe depression and these thoughts? if it is not medication then what? I hate living this way and want to change it.

August 6, 2011

I lost it today

Went to a birthday party that I didn't feel up to but I love this little kid, I'm friends with his mom and our kids are close. My friend and I had a blow  up, I started yelling at my husband and promptly left. Yes it was that bad. At one point, I noticed everyone looking at me and I felt faint.

This was all due to my apparent obsession over who burglarized our home last year and our new neighbors who are connected to the last guy who probably is the one who had our home invaded. I didn't even start the damn conversation.

I was on the brink of rage before the party, and I could feel it, I should have stayed home. But I missed her daughter's party and my other neighbor's daughters party, as well as another neighbors gran daughter's party. There must be a better way to say all of that but I took my Geodon early and want to go into a deep sleep. Problem is, I'll be up around 3:00am tomorrow. This supposed recovery program has kept me in isolation.

August 1, 2011

I want to QUIT everything including life

They want me to stay fat, anxious, and miserable. I will not let anyone mess with my weight. I can find my own weight loss surgeon for example. Why wait when everything is free for me until the end of the year. So its' time to quit my job, perhaps quit the program and do it my way.

I have never felt worse in my life except when I did years ago. I don't need a sponsor, nor do I want one and this doesn't mean I will fail damn it. I will not ever forgive the woman at outpatient who used my issues against me, embarrassed me in front of the whole group, and lied to me while I was inpatient.

I decide who does or does not trigger me and if that doesn't work then I'm out of everything altogether. I'll take half of my savings and go never to return ever. I have turned into my mother that fucking bitch and the only way out is lights out. I'm glad I don't have a paper-based journal for someone to find because no one can stop me then.

I feel like getting a knife and slicing off my hips and everything else that goes with it. What would they do then? sew me back up? I don't know who I am anymore fuck it.