July 31, 2011

another severe headache

Okay just like Friday another one hits and again advil doesn't work for it. What is happening to me?
I guess I'll sign off for tonight, next time I'll respond better to my blog friends. I appreciate your comments I truly do, I am just living in hell right now.

sad and lost...

Here I am again in a place I didn't think I would be. This was my one chance to really recover from addiction. Instead, I am nauseous, I have major stomach problems, and really this isn't the only think I have going on.

I have a surgeon to call, three cysts that I will need to get a new OB to get real answers. Perfectly normal she says. Well, last year around this time, a clot or whatever she wants to call it was lanced in my vaginal area. Almost sent me directly to suicide. I should have been put under for that but I can't seem to ask and tell her why I can't be awake for it. I said nothing, and suffered through it. How do we know it wasn't one of those cysts that are normal that was lodged in that area? It's time to move on from her. I have a name just need to call her.

I am to go back to work in a few weeks part time and for the first time, I know I'm not ready. I am still in the beginning stages of addiction recovery thanks to the place I am at. Its almost like they know what  my issues are somehow and take turns triggering me. Very dangerous.

July 30, 2011

tough nut to crack

I have no idea who this person is unless it's referring to a female social worker that I dislike and I am glad I have not seen

Sagittarius Jul 30 2011
When they say that someone is a "tough nut to crack," it's sometimes meant that a person has a tough outer shell, and is hard to reach emotionally. The Brazil Nut is a tough nut, As is the Black Walnut. Hazel Nuts too. But not all nuts are so tough, though many look as though they are. Almonds, for example, have thin layers that can be stripped away fairly easily. Pistachios usually have a small opening that offers entry. And peanuts, of course, aren't tough at all. Someone you know may appear pretty hard on the surface, but you would be surprised how easy it is to reach that person if you try.
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July 29, 2011

the list of abusers grows

Today was the worst ever in the program. There was no apology from my pdoc for accusing me of being a coke head. The program director gave the benefit of the doubt to the real coke head when I dared to suggest she paid someone to switch the samples.

She would never do that.... Really?? She didn't speak up when my coke free results were given to her did she? Who the fuck is the liar?

Then I told the director before about how the staff slams the door too much. Well now they purposely do it. In fact in front of me, he made a joke about slamming it harder.

So now my trauma is fucking funny?? Where do they think my startling issue comes from? My bitch mother that's where.

I won't be there next week. I have other plans. This ends my way. I won't be reaching out to the supposed helpers ever again. There is no response anyway.

I have not felt this enraged in a long time. Live with the consequences bastards. I turn my anger inward. There is no hope anymore.

My horoscope is interesting today see below

July 28, 2011

it's hopeless

I realized something on the way back from a doctor appointment. My sample wasn't contaminated it was switched. Why would they run my sample again and get zero cocaine if it was contaminated? Now I pick up my independent lab results and my benzo level is higher than what they have. Something I am taking is causing this but I don't have it in me anymore to fight.

Let them think what they want. I spent $287 on independent lab results which I won't get reimbursement for, I spent the weekend in bed severely depressed. This is recovery? Really? Are we sure?

All I do is fight, fight to save my son's life the day he was born, fight the ER doctor when he first convulsed to get a bed where his oncologist was to see if his seizures were linked to the tumor that was taken from his mouth at 3 months of age. Fight to clear my name, fight to prove that I do know what I am doing at work regardless of what someone high up says about me.

The Truth Shall Set Us Free

Finally, today received news I already knew but I'm glad my doctor will get to see that I am worthy of the benefit of the doubt. My sample was re-tested and showed zero cocaine. I'm not sure what exactly happened at the lab but at least I have some of the truth.

Now I'm on to the benzo's still showing up in  my test results. Everything I am reading tells me maximum 10 days well I've been off of them since 6/27 and today is 7/28. They have a level above 300. Do we have another problem because I am not taking any benzo's. None, zero, zip. Not sure what I'll have to do to prove this one because the prescribed drugs, which are the only ones I am taking besides vitamins and OTC stomach medicines, do not seem to indicate false positives. But again, I know what I know to be true.

I make mistakes, I'm not perfect but I take control of it and correct it or I try very hard to. My dad always says I am too honest and tell people too much so they take advantage of that for their purposes.

At least I can get through the recovery process now so I can move forward in the right direction, that's how I heal.

July 27, 2011

recovery or retraumatizing?

I am not sure what I am in right now. I don't want to give up the program but how do I trust the process? Everyone is triggering a different part of me and its dangerous. Everything in my head is colliding and they do this without knowing anything about my history.

What is a girl to do? Fake it like I always do so I can make it through I guess. I thought this time the mask could come off but it can't, who will watch out for me if I don't do it?

July 26, 2011

test result update

I'm getting madder and madder as I found out the follow up drug screen results I did on Friday. The more detailed urine test isn't back yet but the hair test came back clean especially for cocaine.  There is a conspiracy going on and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

I didn't even have benzo results on the rapid test. The hair test shows negative for amphetamines, cocaine, marijuana, opiates, and PCP. This doesn't have benzo testing so we'll see what the more detailed urine test shows.

Here is something suspicious...I faxed the rapid results to my psychiatrist and the director of the outpatient program and told them that the quest diagnostics tests should be in today. But for some reason quest sent the hair test but not the detailed urine test....I should have kept my mouth shut...about who was performing the testing and results.

Now I am very suspicious, the lab manager couldn't believe they didn't come in at the same time like they always do.

July 23, 2011

started watching my rocky movies

Years ago I bought the five disc set but never cracked it open until today. Yesterday is still so hard on me emotionally being accused of doing high levels of cocaine. Yeah well proved that wrong just wait for the rest of the results when they come in by Tuesday I think.

1. If I am doing cocaine then I've solved my weight issue...
2. If I am doing cocaine then I surely would not be in the outpatient program...
3. If I am doing cocaine then WHY WOULD I ASK THEM FOR BOTH A QUALITATIVE AND QUANTITATIVE analysis on my recent drug screen.

I realize I am slow at times but c'mon. What idiot wants more of an analysis just to prove they are on cocaine??????

Anyway, I am on disc 2 and will get through all 5 at some point this weekend. See how mad I am? I so miss being back in Philly today, so miss it. I'd like to run from the madness of where I am now....and just might do that.

July 22, 2011

absolutely without a doubt furious

So I had fun today while talking with my pdoc. The lab results for a drug screen showed... High levels of cocaine. Imagine my fucking surprise I had no idea that I was so high on illegal drugs. Furious I went to a lab to clear my name. The rapid results test for both amphetamine and cocaine separately.

The results? Drumroll..... Zero for cocaine positive for amphetamine. The vyvanse I take is prescribed from him and I am at the correct level.

How did this happen? I already know. Another girl in my recovery program is recovering from cocaine use. She could only provide a tiny sample and I saw it when I came out she went before me. I saw her on the way out and she complained to me that she had to stay and drink water.

Who wants to bet that little sample of hers contaminated mine? I should have watched what they were doing since the girls were talking while working.

My full urine results go to a lab and I ordered a hair test which shows any and all drugs taken 90 days prior to today. Trust the fucking process and people who claim to be helping me.

July 17, 2011


I remember some and have forgotten or blocked some out. A traumatic memory burst into my head close to my last birthday while cleaning my husband's bathroom. I don't need to recount it here but know it was bad.

There are blocks of time I have no memory and bits and pieces of other traumas. When taking a very cold shower on two occasions, because of how hot I have been, I had meltdowns so bad I ran to hotels.

Its the tazmanian devil I can't control. I like to assign characters to my moods some may remember from a previous post. There is Rocky, thats just about wanting to fight, argue etc. but the one above, very scary and people back away in fear, those who have seen that side.

July 13, 2011


so I learn today that to heal external scars, keep them hidden from the sun and use mederma... great I've been in the sun for weeks arm in the sun. I am trying now but they better go away
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July 12, 2011

The subject of "trust"

This is such a hard word for many many people, especially me.  I have a few I can trust 100% and finally told one of them tonight and the other last night.
Trust is defined in many ways but here are a few:
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Something committed into the care of another; charge.

3. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
4. One in which confidence is placed.
v. trust·ed, trust·ing
1. To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.
2. To be confident; hope.
3. To sell on credit.
1. To have or place confidence in; depend on.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
3. To believe: I trust what you say.
4. To place in the care of another; entrust.
5. To grant discretion to confidently: Can I trust them with the boat?
My trust has been violated by so many since a very young age. It saddens me still that it goes on but it does. I trust the ones I shouldn't and don't trust the ones I should. I always tell my therapist this. I've put him through hell god bless him...
I have a few good friends and my family really is only my dad and brother. Other than that forget it. It takes years to build with me and many have given up but not the ones I list here. I am truly blessed for that. I see that now.
When trust is violated and you didn't see it coming that is the absolute hardest wound to heal. Isn't it? My heart tells me to trust those I care for deeply but my head has one of many conversations such as:
1. Trust are you kidding haven't we been through enough, haven't you learned yet?
2. Trust those you love and love you back from Aunt Helen my guardian angel
3. Assume his or her highest motive...a good friend
4. Once trust is broken use your two most powerful weapons....left/right hand and don't stop
5. There is no such thing as a "friend"
The last one is from my dad's father but enters my head now and again but hey if I believe this one then I am a fraud too right? I'm tired now it's 2:15am and I'm sad, very sad. I was raging mad earlier so number four above applied. That side scares me and others.
How to stop it from coming out needs to be my number one focus. I can't keep running out of town every time he comes out....

July 6, 2011

My Poll

I hope my poll doesn't trigger anyone, I need answers...what is happening out there in our world. I hope if you vote then you anonymously answer this post with more information. Positive or negative....be raw.

If this offends you then say that too. I am sorry if it does. I need answers from the real people in this world, all of YOU

There are no limits on vote choice and if I should add others you want to see tell me


Okay great. I went inpatient and detoxed from the stimulant diet pills. Lovely. Now, I am outpatient three days a week with people I hate. Why do I hate them? Making judgments and uneducated guesses about my motives or their perception of them.

Not all addicts are the same just like not all people are the same it isn't a one size fits all. I hate that thought process. I have some support from my therapist, husband, dad etc. Although, I have some that it turns out think I am a problem, I get in the way, or I am a manipulative bitch who wants to ruin relationships. Some of these are new people in my life and recovery and some are newer. I'm just so sad and am suffering. I love them, all of them except the new social workers.

I have a problem its affected me and others I am sorry. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel alone but do I say that tonight...no. I want to leave this life but do I say that tonight...no. I'll get over it I suppose. I always do somehow. My husband walked upstairs tonight and barely said a word to me.
I want someone to love me damn it...the real me

Sorry too big a task it seems. I guess that is what happens when I am a burden on others, they leave or get ready to leave.