June 24, 2011

south beach club

Looking for a third for Mr. Dominant and ms. Submissive, without him so talk about a difficult project . Am I crazy or what?
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June 23, 2011

he comes....he goes

I had very enjoyable time with my dominate marine. But now he's gone when all I want to do is lay with him and fall asleep.

Time for more V pills to deaden the lonliness
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can't think of a name for this post...it's bad though

I am up at 2:16am and won't be going to work again tomorrow. I get sadder every day...it doesn't help, it hurts more and more.

What I thought existed was an illusion...thats all it was. I'm this evil, manipulative, worthless human being that would destroy those closest to me over what? I don't ruin careers, I don't sue people, I don't turn in rapists when I should, I don't stop chasing those who don't love me, want to be my friend or even give a damn. I don't want to exist....

I'm dead inside, just dead. Alone in my hotel feeling dead but unfortunately I keep breathing....

Why is this happening to me? I have issues yes to take care of but I'm lost and don't have anyone now that trusts me.

So should I do the safest thing for them and leave? Then there is no more worry right? No more mistrust. No more doubt. In fact, what I heard tonight tells me no matter what, that trust will never be there...ever.
This wasn't a message about recent events, this was the real fears and feelings being communicated and I need to listen to them...but it hurts me and I don't know why it was necessary.

June 20, 2011

trust is forever BROKEN

So my therapist finally showed he was more concerned about himself than me. I accidentally took a valium versus a diet pill. All I asked was to take a short nap which as I said is all I needed. He calls not only my husband but two EMS guys asking me if o am suicidal, had me sign a paper, and he could have gotten me arrested if police had come as well.

I had to run from his office go get a coffee so forget sleeping tonight now.

Sat outside of some shit hole store at night drinking coffee and absolutely furious. My son's sleep was disturbed but hey his ass is covered, its all documented and somehow this is all him showing me how much he cares.

I have noone I can trust. I am devastated. He was the only one. I should have said nothing. This was all about putting me away. I needed neosporin for my left arm which I apparently scratched up in my sleep, I don't have the love of my life who finally told me he loves me. But he is married, I needed him tonight and
He tries to get me put away.

I am not going to work tomorrow. I won't be able to. I am frozen in fear now. There was no discussion, no empathy, and no thought about what he could have ruined for me.

What now? What do I do now? Am I being selfish? All I needed was a short nap. That's it.

I am alone again...and hurt. But he can sleep soundly, legally he took care of himself at my expense, shame, and humiliation.

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June 17, 2011

stood up at the movies

Supposed to meet KF at greenway to watch super 8 which would NOT have been my choice....this place has huge escalators a MAJOR phobia.

Two words BIG JERK. If I wanted be alone it would've been a martini bar
Story of my pathetic life....valium anyone?
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June 16, 2011

I love you more than...

I can ever show or tell you. I am sad about that. I have no idea how you feel, I can't read you. If you feel the same for me, I pray you will give me a sign. If we are destined for only friendship, so be it . I want you in my life forever
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June 13, 2011

this must end

How? Is it up to me anymore or my guardian angel who I can't feel with me anymore?
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June 12, 2011

what causes addiction really?

Perhaps a stupid question. Is it more psychological or physical or both? Is it brain disfunction? Is it environmental? What is it really? I've read up on it a bit because I have some challenges to overcome.

The list of addictions seems to be quite long from alcohol, drugs, sex, to internet use, food and beyond. Why can some quite cold turkey and never look back while others are buried in it and can't get out no matter how much they want to. Is it a choice? or is it already pre-determined? How can we find out? I doubt MRI's are done routinely for something like this but I might be wrong.

I have some addictions. Alcohol isn't one of them but certain stimulants are. I don't like pain medication, food is a huge huge problem for me. In fact, body image rules my life. So much so that I don't want anyone standing in my way of getting out of this body.

I've been researching surgical options because very soon, I won't be able to get what I am now to try and murder my appetite. I use the word murder because that is what I feel like doing to myself.

I feel very self concious to the point that I almost ruined my brother's wedding over it. Word spread because i had scores of people telling me how gorgeous I looked in the dress. I saw through it. Wasn't born yesterday and I knew my dad was behind it.

The bottom line is this, there isn't much I won't do to get out of this body. Now, is this a brain disfunction or just psychological?

Will I end up dead at the end of this? Most likely...soon I am supposed to go inpatient to get off of this stuff. My fear over the unknown is ruling my brain at the moment and I want to run. I hear I can't have my cell phone and I find that dangerous. Come off all drugs even the therapeutic ones, be vulnerable to whoever is there and in a hospital gown? Why can't I wear my black jogging pants? I want my phone because if it feels unsafe I want to get out.

I've told some people this. One is a friend who was at a facility for three weeks and she looked at me like I was from mars. I have deep demons and coming off of this is going to bring them out. I should be in isolation truthfully from the start. I can't control a part of me that comes out. I'm like a wild animal if I feel threatened and it doesn't take much. I fear being restrained, I fear any hint of needles. How in the world am I supposed to do this? Is there anyone out there like me who feels this way or am I absolutely the only one in the world with these fears?

June 10, 2011

went to urgent care on my friday off

I have this rash on my lower legs they look like hives or red round bug bites only there are too many. and itchy beyond belief.  My skin is peeling on my foot a little bit. I have a few of these on my arm, it seems like it is moving around. Its mostly the lower legs and feet though.

It started Thursday afternoon that I felt itchy by night time it was bad and the red bumps appeared all over my lower legs...so I took some extra seroquel and went to sleep so I wouldn't feel the itching.

The urgent care doctor said its one of a few conditions and one of them is scabies....excuse me? How in the world would I get that? I have a bug phobia and this doctor tells me maybe scabies. I haven't been anywhere other than work, home, doctor's offices out to lunch here and there.

I did have a massage last saturday and I get pedicures regularly. I have blood clotting and various vascular problems. Who knows...its always something.

He gave me four prescriptions to of which are creams, a shot of a steroid, prendisone and bactrim pills. I'm wondering if this will work. My family doctor wasn't in today so I couldn't see him.

I should've called my dermatologist...I haven't been there in awhile.

I haven't had sex since February so can't be anything related to that.

The others were contact dermatitis, bacterial/viral infection. He didn't do any blood work though which is what I wanted. I'm scared of the last pedicure I got now about a week or so ago.

At first, I thought it might be related to some drugs I am taking but he said its not a drug allergy or side effect.
It could be some sort of poison ivy etc. I haven't been around any of that.

I hate this and now have visions of mites attacking my legs....anyway my inlaws are here and I've told them all to wash anything I have touched.

Of course, I am researching this and looking at pictures and I get more and more scared. I guess I'll have to wait and see if I survive the weekend with this

June 5, 2011

Lost in my head...

Seroquel has been prescribed to me over the years. I stopped taking it a few months ago but found that I still had 1 refill left for 90 days.  I'm almost out of Vyvanse and won't go into why. I have other things I take anyway.

It does help me so maybe if I take enough I can get myself off of the rest? Really this is a rhetorical question I know the answer is probably not but its worth a try.

I am under unbelievable stress from work and have a deadline I probably won't meet tomorrow. I can't quit because my husband...well...won't support it. I don't even talk to him anymore about whats going on with me, I don't talk to anyone really except T. Even that I hold back...still...

I thanked my dad again not long ago for making me enter this world with a crazy fucking bitch for a mother. He wasn't always that great either. I have this odd attachment to him because no matter what he does, I run back of course he lives in another state. I miss my brother, he's back now and I haven't heard from him...well...its best if he aligns himself with his new wife and her family....ours is shit.

the cycle never ends

I feel like I am moving in circles and am getting no where. I make promises then break them. I wander around mindlessly forgetting why I was going in a certain direction, I take more.  I can barely wake up in the morning and take more.

I get to work after all I've taken and a very large starbucks drink...within an hour I take more. I get over-focused, agitated, put my head on my desk...then get up...close the door and go back to putting my head on the desk. I take more.

Now I'm running meeting to meeting, not sure who to trust, the landscape keeps changing, my paranoia more intense...now its lunch time and I go out driving for two hours....come back and forget what I was working on. So I take more.

I start rambling on and on to my coworkers...check my email and play with my phone...unfocused...so I take more.