April 28, 2011

a letter to my brother

You were always my baby brother from the day you were brought home. The story you know is that I took your bassinette and rolled you out the front door on your first or second day home. It was always told to by me that it was my way of saying "you have got to go".

I tried to explain on my last trip home that I never wanted to get rid of you. I wanted to protect you. Being over three years older than you, I already sensed the trouble you were entering into. I do remember that day believe it or not. I was trying to get you away from her our fake mother. She tells the story that I said I was just taking you for a walk and that is scared her because she thought I would hurt you.

April 25, 2011

Purple haze

The name of the new favorite in my life. It was the first of its own and different.
The bartender was just what I needed tonight.

Some real laughs which is temporary I know but I needed it.

May 21st is approaching and still so much to pull together.
In a short amount of time

April 23, 2011

letter to my real mother part two...

Its 2:00 am and I can't sleep. I spent the day with my son since we were off school aunt helen and boy did he run me around.

Today, I used one of your phrases "here now..." of course I think I yelled it which you never did, it was said more like tsk tsk here now by you.

My fake mother is such a liar and I can only hope some of the memories she has told me about you and I are true. I did confirm with my dad that when they were pregnant with my brother, you seemed upset and said "well why do you need another baby, you have >my name>. I just love you for that. Now this could mean I was already a handful or it means don't bother trying to create perfection, you already have it.

April 21, 2011

a letter to my real mother...part one

After last night's session which ended with me falling apart because I continue to say things I don't mean, embarrass myself, and cry way too much.

This morning, it occurred to me that I have not written out a letter to my real mother. She was my aunt and not a blood relative because my fake mother was adopted by her family. It doesn't matter one bit to me because my aunt was 100% my real mother.

To My Real Mother,

You are the best part of me. I learned how to love and take care of others by you loving and taking care of me. The first game you taught me was how to play checkers, unfortunately, for everyone around me, you let me win every game. That was very sweet on your part but mommy I haven't lost that drive to always win no matter what I do. I try to do different with my son but to no avail. He has to win every game and I don't encourage this trust me.

April 19, 2011

finding meaning in quotes

Tonight I am so undone that I'd rather use the words of others which are written better than I would right now...enjoy

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter. ~Lemony Snicket

Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends. ~Shirley Maclaine

Never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~Kimberly Johnson

Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route. ~Author Unknown

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. ~Bob Seger, "Against the Wind"

Saying is one thing, doing another. We must consider the sermon and the preacher distinctly and apart. ~Montaigne, Essays, 1588

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." ~Bill Maher, on Politically Incorrect, 1995

That says it all tonight...

April 16, 2011

I'm a fighter, that's just who I am...

This weekend so far today has been real interesting. I am either put on the defense about my parenting style (helicopter mom aka I baby my son) or I am defending my husband at my son's game.

Let me be very clear, when someone is put on the defense, there is and should be a response. I am not going to sit by and let someone walk all over me, my son and my husband. It just isn't going to happen.

However, whenever I do this, there are consequences. I am direct and blunt at times and other times quite aggressive. However, in both of these instances I was direct and blunt. I have a problem to solve and I solve it with the person I needed to.

April 12, 2011

my heart is broken

The last couple sessions, I have been an emotional wreck. The loss of family support, my marriage problems, some friend losses and former boyfriend revelations have left me questioning my T on everything including whether or not he cares about me. I was really hard on him last night and I think I ruined the relationship.

My brain was telling me to stop talking but my mouth continued. Listing all the ways I believe he's rejected or abandoned me. We've been working together for five years and were so close and connected. Now, I feel we are fragmented. I'm sure I caused this and I can feel him pulling away from me.

Of course, I know I have caused that too. Its a defense mechanism when I think a relationship will end, I end it first by doing just what I have done.

April 9, 2011

Intense sadness

I am all over the place aren't i? I do not want to push my therapist away ever so why am I doing it?
He's the only one who is here with me consistently. I think I will end up ruining this
Relationship just like the others. I try to see him the way he is but something gets in the way.

So I am intensely sad. For other reasons as well but right now I hate myself for how I treated him on
Wednesday I really do.

April 7, 2011

Love and hate

It's all the same i was told a year ago. I was told this by an evil guy who no woman should be around.

I feel it now both love and hate for those I thought I never would. But they deserve it right? They abandoned me when they all said they never would.

There is no compassion for me, no love, no commitment, no family, and the one person who said he cares and would be there for me watched me sit in my car after my session and I guess went on his way.

I don't think I can forgive him. Why did he tell me that????

Bad judgment? On purpose? Or he is just a cold person?
Whichever he showed me who he really is?

April 6, 2011

Can't handle the pain

I didn't realize until today how alone I really am. I left my session on Monday in complete collapse running out crying.
I have never done that in five years. He didn't call to see if I made it home okay or anything. Instead he tried to make me laugh tonight. Is What I am going through funny?

April 3, 2011

Name five good things about yourself

1. I am a good friend
2. I have a gorgeous little boy
3. I love to much exposing myself to pain
4. I adore children and animals they are innocent and non-judgmental
5. Oh I forgot this was supposed to be five good things about me

I will be gone someday.... There is a goal to look forward to
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