March 27, 2011

Its time to get a life!

I started last night. I made a new friend and she's awesome. We have a lot in common and our sons play baseball together. We had a great time last night. She struggles with some addiction issues like me and we can help each other and learn to help ourselves. I admire how she has overcome her problems and is on a positive track.

So, it's time to get a life and stop looking to others to fill the painful emptiness I often feel. They just disappoint in the end.

March 23, 2011

abandonment nightmare...

Again my family, my former love of my life, my now former best friend, my husband abandoned me long ago, and most likely, more to come. Once this slide happens, I take it all the way.

Relationships scare me. I have learned over the years that most people will let you down. Some will even warn you about it before doing it and I still stick around.

My answer to this problem has always been leave them before they leave me. This feeling is the most overwhelming, painful feeling I've ever known. I've been hit, beaten, raped, and by far, abandonment is the most frightening and painful for me.

It triggers suicidal feelings and honestly, I'm 41 and not young enough to handle this anymore. It must end...one way or the other, it must end.

So many who claim to love me have no problem ignoring me, leaving, me, or whatever else they want to do. This is why I feel broken, unlovable, and invisible.

What will they feel when I'm no longer here? Most likely, nothing.

March 19, 2011

thank you for spending time with me

I enjoyed our time together aunt helen. I so needed to see you and to hold you or really your head stone meant the world to me. I'm sorry I cried to whole time, its all I have done this week. I haven't been able to control it.

Like I said today, you are it for me. The only person who truly loved me. You are unbelievably missed by me. If I could have crawled under the dirt, I would have done it today.

So many have let me down this week that I have come to realize I am on my own. again. I have closed some doors this week as planned. Its time for one in particular to move on and will close more next week.

Its easier this way, they will see it eventually. I am putting together a video I started with our visit today, when I'm done it should tell my story with all of the emotion I can't seem to feel without some sort of drug.

I love you more later...

March 16, 2011

repeat after me...its useless

Why do I try with anyone? I'm better off with myself. I can count on myself, I never leave myself except when I do...I can entertain myself, I can read my friends' blogs and I do even though I don't post much.

People are unreliable and some want to disappoint me...go ahead...why should they be different that what I am used to?

Not everything wrong with me has to do with diet pills but time and again this is what I hear...I think I'll go for a drive...in my ole home town.

I used to do this all the time as a teenager, someone disappoints me and I'm off in my car with the music blaring...again I can entertain myself.

March 14, 2011

Being ignored, discounted, and forgotten

The title today says it all. This trip back home didn't start out well. I was ignored via text just trying to make someone feel better. Since he didn't respond my have a nice weekend should have been changed to "okay then have a bad weekend"...

Discounted at the bridal shower yesterday by my future sister in law, forgotten by a few others over here. Why bother with relationships at all? Its always the same with me left sitting alone wondering why. why me again? There is something about me that is bad to the core and others must sense it and run...relationships are not a two way deal. I'm here, I care, I reach out, and they often are not there, do not care and reach out when they want to...its all on their terms. Family and friends alike.

This is why I just sat in my room alone with my stereo growing up. Its all I had sometimes because everything else usually fell apart.

I'm dying inside...

March 6, 2011

My body, my enemy

Long story short, a man in the most intimate of moments basically told me he couldn't um go further with me one night last week. Okay, no problem women can at any point tell a man to "stop" so I was okay.

But, then he said this "and I want you to know that it isn't your body or how you look, the problem is me"...in translation he was drunk and apparently the sight of me woke him up and off he went. Prior to this he was telling me how sexy I am yada yada yada...this sent me over the edge literally.

I realize alcohol was involved on both our ends but the list is long of white men who attack my body either verbally, physically, and/or violently.

So this white woman is only appreciated by hispanic or african american men. It comes down to race in this scenario. Many white men want barbie and the funny thing is, they don't even look good enough to get barbie.

I am sad though, I cried all night last Wednesday and apparently was seen outside of my hotel room wandering and crying...hotel management had to take me back to my room. I have no memory of that part. His comments about my body took me to another place in outerspace apparently.

So, that's it, I am going to pursue women now! Officially :) Its been a topic I talk about in therapy all the time and I never got a chance to pursue it on my own years ago...but now I will before some guy hurts me so much that i wander right in front of a mack truck.

March 2, 2011

I want to end the pain

He doesn't want me, isn't attracted will never be what am I waiting for exactly? More pain so his loss. Right? That's what I tell myself through the tears...now time to end that pain forever. Its. So easy for him and I am left all alone again