February 25, 2011

I can feel myself on the edge ready to tip over

I had to pick up the bridesmaid dress I am wearing in my brothers wedding. Honestly, I almost picked up the phone and said "I'm out...that's it".

I am the heaviest bridesmaid and although a 12-14 size, the others are 6-8. The dress is very red and right at the hip line is where the corsett begins and laces up the back...it doesn't look right on me at all.

I almost had a panic attack and the woman was staring at me like "who the hell is in this dressing room?". There just are not enough diet pills in the world to get this weight off. I am struggling every minute of every day.

The things I am doing to lose weight will surely be my undoing...but I can't stop. I have thoughts of stopping...and then the next day, it begins agagain just like the day before.

Please someone run me over.

February 23, 2011

I am fat an unlovable

Tonight a comment made by a friend hurt me but it wasn't about me. He made a comment about a woman a sexy woman on a magazine. He said someone gave it to him and because he is gay I said yeah as if you would find that attractive and he said yeah this person thinks I am straight...

Seems innocent enough right? Somehow I made it about me and just finished a food binge.

I have serious issues. Just one comment about some unknown sexy woman he doesn't find attractive has become me thinking wow...I must be hideous then.

Of course is a gay man statement about women ever going to be accurate? Why do I see this as a hidden message to me?

Was it? Or wasn't it? I am feeling so ugly right now and wish a truck would run me over.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

February 21, 2011

When consistency is anything but consistent

One of my biggest issues is consistency. The only constant right now is my therapy and session days/times. I have been distraught all weekend about the possibility that there is a change coming and if I am right, this won't be good for me.

It took me years to get consistency in the schedule so that I could stop focusing on the "schedule" and my T's perceived lack of care or concern that there be consistency. Actually, I had to beg for it and have always felt that at any point, it could disappear.

If I am right, and I won't know until tonight, about what my fear is...this starts me down a path that I can't go on right now. I just really want to be wrong this time, I really do.

February 17, 2011

therapy confusion

Ever since I told T this dream I had it was a violent one but mostly involved me, our sessions have been quite triggering. I feel like there is a storm brewing and I want it to stop. He needs to stop it. He is upset about some things I am doing and building up to something. Bigger. If he backs me into a corner what else do I do? he is punishing me in certain ways and I am sorry I told him anything this approach makes me worse and if this continues I will fall apart and never go back.

I think he is going to do something with my session times and if he does...I am out

February 16, 2011

session wednesday

Well I feel like an idiot...I knew one of these days I would pick at one of my fingers so hard it bleeds and won't stop. I have solar nails and have a cuticle cutter that I use to keep the cuticles low but honestly its a tool that I use in a harmful way too with my fingers.

So, I cut my left thumb cuticle to deep and ended up with a kleenex wrapped around it during my session...he referenced it and when I didn't really respond he said something about "let it go"...yes let it go I said. Not smart on my part since I don't like for him to really know what I do. He can see probably the end result of what I do but sits far enough away that I don't worry about it. Its embarrassing so I like to ignore it. I don't rip every finger to the bone this was an accident and next time I'll wait until after my session.

We have been talking about other harmful things I do involving my weight mostly but I'm embarking in unchartered territory with this guy I met. I know its wrong on so many levels...but I feel pulled into the BDSM lifestyle. Why? Not sure...my personality outside of the bedroom is well not submissive to say the least but inside...something different. Although, my definition of sub and the real definitiobn seem to be very different.

Its just a body anyway right so whats the big deal I say...its just fun I think. We'll see

My T would like to see me give up some of this stuff and I'm not trying to be difficult its just that my body image issues are bigger than me, him, and anything in my life...always has been. I can't control it.

February 11, 2011

tomorrow is the day...

I will be embarking on a new path and found a good teacher.
Where will this take me?

I'm both nervous and excited...anticipation is building fast!

February 9, 2011

When no one understands

I should have not said anything when will I learn? There is too much noise and too many different moods or feelings that bring out sides of me that are unbearable.

That I will keep to myself because he won't understand or will invalidate in some way that will send me in a rage. Of course I rage against myself versus him or anyone but for how long?

I need to understand it soon before it is out. Once that side of me is out it takes a long time to find myself again. So I run...hide...medicate..distract myself and do whatever else I can to keep it in.

I may have to do something more drastic this time.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

February 8, 2011

furious absolutely furious

So I got an email from a blogger friend that said "hey, there is another blog with your name...???". Imagine my surprise but yes there is. Even though in 2008 I purchased all three domains of .net, .com, and .org I neglected to purchase all variations of my blog title.

A huge difference appears to be a money maker for referrals to therapists and one is a personal journey or was supposed to be and now its tainted.

And to top it off many of the topics happen to be about speech and communication issues that ironically my son has.... There is no way that is a coincidence.

Is this illegal? No, but it is tactless and extremely intruding and a violation.

Let that be a huge lesson for me and the rest of us. Purchase every variation of your blog title because trusting that someone would have some tact, is useless.

February 2, 2011

Desperately seeking a new body...

This is by far one of my biggest issues. I don't see ever liking let alone loving my body. Here are the reasons why:

1. My weight is ALWAYS the target of negative comments. Some of those include: "you'd be hot if you didn't have hips", "why can't you look like other girls your age", "that's why I like you hips and butt", "should you really be eating that?", and many others.

2. Prior to my 30's I averaged about 10-12 in size. In high school 8-10 and back then although I thought I was fat, was not. Child birth had me around 16-18 and now I'm swaying between 12-14. I would be happy with a 10 but will shoot for an 8 anyway.

3. Abuse to this shell of a body...by many enough said.

4. My mother and her comments about how I take after her heavy sisters rather than her petite size 6. Bitch.

What impacts me the most is my mental state. I was doing well on Jenny Craig and then slipped. I have a hard time incorporating exercise although I used to run...any emotional trigger has me binge eating on a variety of things. If I quite smoking there will be weight gain...not going there yet.

If I can eliminate an appetite, I'm good. I once lost 35lbs on Phen-Fen until my life was ruined when they discontinued this miracle combination. Somebody please bring it back...

Last resort is surgery and I don't mean the lapband...I am talking surgery to remove fat in places that seem to stick around no matter what I do.

Unhealthy thought? Yes, but its either this or I start slicing off parts of me in sheer desperation.