January 28, 2011

now what?

I am here...impulsively ran for the weekend with a raspberry martini near the riverwalk...will I survive the weekend? What are my intentions? I hate my life except for my son...is he enough?
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January 27, 2011

booked and ready to go

I did it, I'm leaving...one of the nicest hotels on the riverwalk. I've been on the edge of doing this for some time now. I need time to think and I can't do it here anymore.

I am falling apart fast and wish I could go right now, tomorrow will have to do. I'll just leave work early and off I go.

Wind me up and watch me go...okay then let's do it.

I'm leaving...

I am leaving on Friday for the night or longer I'm not sure yet. I am looking for a far away place to go by myself to attempt to deal with what is going on in my head. I am overeating and doing other stuff and all because of this new approach that is being forced on me.

Either DBT goes or I go...I don't need any more invalidating sessions. I guess he doesn't want to engage with me anymore, he's done. So, this is good for him but not for me. We talked about DBT before and I told him how harmful it seems to be for other bloggers. I told him this a few weeks ago and here we are now embarking on it.

I also told him not to wind me up and watch me go...but he is anyway. I guess he wants to see what will happen next. No, he doesn't. I told him it isn't good for me when people in my life do this and now he's doing it.

He said I could share anything so I told him on Monday about something he said once in response to my abnormal eating habits. He brought that up last night saying he gets in trouble when he talks to me. So instead of us dealing with whatever happens, he puts this process in place to punish me.

I can tell him anything? Hell no I can't. He also knows that I don't "get" things right away and when I figured out last night that he intends to invalidate me using DBT to bring out monsterous feelings, I a flipped out and now I'm on a dangerous path.

I can't tell him the truth about anything because every time I do, it goes badly foe me. I'm lost and alone again...as usual

January 26, 2011

invalidating discussion

I get it everywhere anymore and again tonight. I tried to open up and talk about some issues that I have been holding back on because I end up feeling stupid if the truth is known. He said open up, he said it's okay and then....invalidation.

If this is what DBT is then I'm not doing it. I'll read the book and see if anything sticks but if every session is going to be like this one was...we are finished...period.

Here is what I heard tonight:

1. we all have trauma
2. we all have deficits or things to overcome
3. thanks for sharing but knock it off

Well good then since I'm just as healthy as he is or anyone else, I'm ready to move on then...and he wants me to open up about the other stuff I am holding back on? NEVER

I think overall DBT is some sort of emotional protection for therapists. It has nothing to do with helping me that's for sure. It helps them sleep better at night. They don't have to engage emotionally and attempt to understand how we feel. It must be a burden to do that for so many besides me so okay I understand that.

We all make decisions and he certainly is entitled to take care of himself, I'll take care of myself too and we'll begin the process to end this.

And this shit reduces suicidal feelings? How? When? I won't wait around to find out...fuck this shit.

I warned him not to wind me up and watch me go...he did it anyway. I am so fucking angry right now I could break concrete in two...its time to move on he's ruined my week and weekend...fuck.

January 19, 2011

who exactly am I?

Alright I am going to write this out but I may delete the post. I just don't know yet. I have never written this out before.

Various sides/moods of me...in no particular order and I think I'll use characters to describe how I feel and explain some of my behaviors. Its safer that way. Perhaps this is a bipolar mood thing lets see...

Jim Carrey - over the top comedy...trust me
Rocky - bodies everywhere (half kidding)
Madonna - in her younger sexual days!
Jack Bauer - A career in investigations for 6+ years brought this out
Katy Perry - she did kiss a girl after all
Pink - her songs tell my story

I mentioned some of this to T tonight. I watered it down as usual. I am just not ready to tell all yet. Actually, until the past few weeks none of this made any sense to me but my dream, if I am analyzing it right, is helping me connect some of this.

Music choice for the day is related to some of this too.

That's it for now...I'll think more about this later..

January 17, 2011

why do I torture myself?

I asked for this IQ test and tonight my therapy session was the test. Well, lets just say not only am I dumber than I thought, but now my T gets to know about it!

I felt like a complete idiot that I couldn't define certain words, didn't know some geography and other simple things that others know.

I should be dealing with my issues like what I wrote about last week. All I did was add to my misery about myself.

I just don't want to face him right now. I don't want to tell him of my paranoia from last week either. Haven't we been all through this stuff? I should just be focusing on what I am holding back on...but I am afraid to say any of it. Fear runs my life. I harm myself in many ways and am locked in a private hell that I don't need to be locked into. He won't hate me for it...right?

But then again, I thought I was telling him things last week I needed to tell him, admit to etc. But that kinda backfired didn't it? or did it?

Maybe we can put off part two of the test until next week. I won't survive the weekend if I can't talk some of this through.

Fear and paranoia are some of my biggest issues. He told me a story tonight that I resonated with. I am too embarrassed to type it here but I have this strong need to know what he and other mental health doctors think about me. I make inquiries if need be to try and find out. Why? Why? Why?

I did this more in the beginning/middle part of therapy and with other psychiatrists, my neurologist...but it still happens and I must stop immediately before it is found out. Then I will really be destroyed.

I once requested my whole file in the beginning of therapy while I was still in therapy...who does that? So, the first line that caught my eye ended up being what should have been a benign description of who I am...but I focused on part of the sentence that read "somewhat overweight white female".

That sent me over the edge. I did that to myself of course. It was true at the time but seeing it in writing destroyed me. But its what I wanted to know right? The truth? I really don't want the truth but pursue it anyway. I suppose that is what this test is about for me.

I shredded the rest of my file so I have no idea what was said after that. Thank god I had the sense to do that or it could've been worse. I laugh about that with him but really it isn't funny.

I am one messed up individual...truly.

therapy tonight

I have my session tonight and we will be doing some testing I asked for. I am not sure I can concentrate on that given how I have been feeling since last week but I'll have to try.

The question is will I be nice, mad, short, distant, friendly, funny, normal what ever that is...? Who knows at this moment but with this test there won't be any therapy really this week.

The bigger question? How will he be tonight? Triggering? Probably.
I'll just have to see...

January 13, 2011

lost, confused, abandoned

Why now is this happening after I now trust him, now I am sharing, and now trying to understand? I have so many competing feelings and they are all colliding together. Shifting from one to another within seconds.

The ultimate abandonment has begun and I am lost as to why and why now? I heard the indirect message last night. It's time to reduce, it isn't healthy and basically...he's done. No, he didn't say that but I felt it in some examples he gave me of other situations and it is very familiar.

If I could take back talking about the dream, the feelings from awhile back and what it all means. I went too far again and now he's scared of me. I felt him push away last night and I am beyond hurt and confused.

I am trying to determine what is real and what is perceived that is becoming real. It doesn't matter really because he will say I have it all wrong or he will agree and say I should come in less. For who? WHY NOW...WHY NOW...it's because I trusted and shared way too much.

He said he would never reject me, abandon me, he said he cared about me.
If I go back Monday I will fall apart completely. Either in session or out of it or both. and him? He goes on his merry way just like everybody else does.

He can chalk it all up to my borderline traits...its a convenient label isn't it? It absolves him of his role in what is happening to me now.

I can't handle what is happening with me now...I can't handle it.

January 1, 2011

goodbye 2010

I don't even want to do a year in review so all I will say is goodbye to 2010. The absolute worst year of my life.

Tonight was interesting, our subdivision had a fire and I had a one and a half year old on my lap all night. But hey it beats last year's new year's eve. I was at a neighbor's house, the same house tonight and was assaulted.

He tried to talk to me tonight but I just kept focusing on the kids. My son and his friend and his sister. Next year, I want to be in a warm place drunk and with someone who actually is attracted to me. That would be nice.

That's all folks.