December 30, 2010

safe or unsafe...

I was reading a post from the blog untreatable online and something caught my attention. The categorizing of people as safe or unsafe. Perfect!

That is exactly the term I was looking for tonight. I can tell when someone is unsafe when it comes to me trusting the person. I joke with my T that he is in the 90% range with trust but unfortunately that can drop pretty quickly depending on what is said from session to session.

That was somewhat of a topic tonight. He says my moods dictate how I experience him and he tries to stay the same each time. Now that I have thought a little bit about it being almost 1:00am, I see his point.

However, if I feel as if he is being distant...maybe he is. If I feel he is ignoring some important things I bring up...maybe he is. This is my whole problem with the label of borderline traits...disorder...etc. Interactions are categorized into certain columns and its a one size fits all approach.

It just ain't so...I've read that borderlines are most likely to stalk therapists, lovers etc. Nope...haven't thought about it or done that. Borderlines are pathological liars...nope although I've been known to lie here and there but not make up stories to gain attention or affection. That would be my mother though. She does that all the time.

Borderlines love threatening suicide for attention getting...did it ever occur to some in the medical profession that if we actually get the courage to even hint about suicide that maybe its worth thinking about some?

Since rejection is a huge problem for me, I doubt that I would bring up such a topic unless it were true. Although, I usually water it down for my therapist which is counterproductive. I want to talk about it but don't want to be rushed to a hospital either. If I want a hospital, I'll go myself. That decision should not be made for me.

I would run anyway if anyone tried to hospitalize me involuntarily. I guess this is why it often seems best for me to just stay quiet on this topic.

Its not one of those safe topics for sure.

December 29, 2010

when no one listens...

I'm feeling desperate again. He's not listening to me, not really. He doesn't ask any questions and I feel like giving up.

I'm falling deeper and deeper into depression but I'm not showing it. I'm hiding a lot of things but when I bring them up here and there, he says nothing so what is the point really?

Its time we do a year in review type of conversation. Maybe that will loosen something. I have this strong desire to run though because I don't handle these conversations well. Triggers me too much.

Must I really wake up tomorrow? Really?

December 26, 2010

Miracles

I do believe in them and my Aunt H proves over and over just how much they can happen. Minutes after my I'm falling post, she came through again. If I were to share this story and the other incidents no one would believe me.

But I do believe. She is always there when it matters. Always. I love you and miss you.

December 25, 2010

Aunt H...you did it...again!

I love you...I can feel you now. You did it again, he responded. I can't believe it by why not? You are always there for me, always. I love you more than ever...more than ever.

You are reminding me that he does care and to hold on...so I will...hold on. I promise. Others would think I was crazy if I told them so it will be our secret.

I should not have doubted anything but always do. I'll try better next time okay? I love you.

merry christmas...more pain

I need to write until my fingers break. Why did I do it? Before I hit send, I hesitated. My thought was leave him be...but I couldn't do that could I? No, I had to push the envelope again.

I am hurting now and wish I could take it back. Not the well wishes just the act itself. He's upset with me and I know why. I think. Why do I put my heart in other people's hands? I should be preparing the dinner for tonight and instead, I sit here fighting back the tears. Praying I don't crash but know that I will.

Nothing is constant is it? Not for me but for others it is. I hate myself and my desire to care for others. Haven't I learned from the past? The long ago past? Being the good friend, the one everyone can count on? I've always cared too much. It scares people. Why though? It's not as if I push myself on them. Or do I?

This is why I isolate myself, protect myself, and not put myself out there. Well, before I met him anyway. I was closed off from the world, my feelings and others. He taught me something different but its hard to hold on to it.

I just realized that we are seeing each other only once next week, I guess this is where it starts and ends. Can I pull away as I should? On my terms? Can I walk away? How will that feel if I do? Will he even care? Does anyone really ever care?

I care and always will, I've told him that and I mean it. I can't show it though, its too risky. Just walk away G, you can do it as you have hundreds of times before.

Aunt H, help me because I need you more than ever today. Please help me. I'm falling...

I love you most of all for making me feel loved and special. It hasn't happened since. I feel grateful for you but am still in mourning. I long for you to hold me and recite the "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer. I do that every night with my son. He often rushes through it but it reminds me of you and how I used to rush you through it. I wish I could hear that prayer just one more time from you.

That won't happen though ever. You're gone and I'm still here without you. The only mother I ever had. Taken from me when I was ten and not truly old enough to appreciate you for you. You taught me love though and how to be there for others. I do that when I really care but look what happens?? I try too hard and feel too much. What would you tell me right now? Probably something like, its okay that is why you have me...or something like that.

Why was the only person to truly love me taken so early...why was I left with that imposter of a mother. I can't feel you anymore and I desperately need to feel you now. Please...