August 25, 2010

never felt pain like this before

I had surgery yesterday...unplanned surgery and in the worst place possible. Darvocet works better than morphine believe it or not but still I can feel the pain.

I may have to have another doctor check me out and honestly...I don't want anyone touching me anymore. No more surgeries...no more stitches...

What is there to do except lie here in pain???? more later

August 8, 2010

it just isn't meant to be

there are actions I can take in my life to move towards happiness. I can't take those actions though. Some changes I can make but most I cannot make.

there is the "trap" that feeling of hopelessness that won't go away. so here I am about 12.4 lbs down now and still not happy. Happiness comes from within some will tell me and I say "and that means what?" where is the "how to?".

is anyone really happy anyway or just pretending for those around them? Fake it till you make it? when what we really want to do is end it.

Now on to another topic.

I had this dream last night about Georgie...he's a kid I grew up with. The joke between my dad, Georgie, my brother and some of Georgie's cousin is "who shot the bee bee ball?". My dad is still looking for the answer to that. Was it my brother, Georgie, or one of his cousins? Who knows but it makes us all laugh when my dad gets the boys now men in a huddle and asks "now tell me, who shot the damn bee bee ball?".

In the dream, Georgie is smiling and saying "who shot the bee bee ball?" over and over. I woke up this morning and said to my husband I think Georgie just died. I don't know why I feel this way but either he or someone close to him from our inner circle died...I can't explain what I feel this way.

I called my brother and left a message, no return call yet. I went to Georgie's facebook page and there is a comment from someone today asking if he "made it home okay last night".

Georgie hasn't responded. Might not mean anything just yet. I'll wait and see.
I hope he is okay, its been on my mind all day.

I've had bad feelings before and then something happens. A few months ago I told my therapist and husband I didn't feel safe where we live and that something bad was going to happen and a few months later, we were burglarized at home. We weren't home and the detective isn't doing anything. So its up to me.

That is something I can take action on so I will...

August 1, 2010

10 lbs down!

I joined a program a month ago. I'm down 10 lbs total so far. Of course, my obsessive side is wishing it were 20lbs. I should be satisfied with 10lbs or else I might slip up. My goal is 35lbs total to lose.

It is an expensive program though but the one on one counseling really helps for accountability. Insurance paid 20% of the cost to join it.

I am still so sick, I have been all week. I need to see a doctor if I can find time in my unbelievably stressful job.

So why I am I still depressed today? Why not just be happy about a small step in the right direction? I'm trying