April 30, 2010

secrets

We all have them don't we? Secrets that we keep only to ourselves but that is the only person we can trust...at least with our most deepest darkest secrets.

Secrets within dark thoughts. Thoughts created a long time ago along with severe wounds that never heal but only repeat, repeat, and repeat.

Are we really always responsible for everything wrong that happens to us? Just in the wrong place at the wrong time? or the right place at the right time?

Do we live because we are supposed to or meant to? Or because we choose to?

Is every decision that we make final? or does it just lead to finality?

Do you have a plan for what you want to accomplish before you die? I do and it isn't pretty.

April 22, 2010

I don't show normal emotions

I know I don't and really never have. I have been told I'm cold, distant, rageful, vengeful, etc....an employee of mine recently told my other employee that when I wrote her up, she didn't recognize me, it was as if I was someone else. It scared her.

I've heard it a million times. None of them know real fear. The kind of fear that paralyzes a person from the inside out. No one really cares to hear about it either. I've learned that since my earliest memory.

T has changed some of that for me. He has shown me he is not the same as what I am used to. He is different, he cares, he is trustworthy, and I enjoy laughing at him or with him and I am grateful for him. he is part of a very small minority.

Now for the point of this post. I can become someone else when I need to. That is what my employee saw. She took kindness for weakness. I put up with it for awhile and then she's right, I became someone else. The person I should have been with her.

Trauma has no doubt caused many issues for me. I blame myself for all of it except for when I was about 7 years old. That for sure I know I didn't cause. The rest of it was the result of bad judgment calls or just being a bit naive. T seemed to agree with what I was saying so I must be on the right track.

I didn't ask for it perse but making the wrong choice, mixing some alcohol in as well isn't smart. For me anyway, I'm not applying this logic to anyone else. I judge my actions and no one else's actions.

I am also about inaction. I give up, sometimes to easily. Why fight? It's just a body right? I don't have to own it. A shell of sorts. I hate my body anyway, I don't belong in it.

I scare my T a little I think. I scare many people...someday i guess the emotion will come out. Who will be left holding the pieces I wonder? Next time, it won't be me I guarantee that.

I'm also a protector. Mostly of my brother. He isn't as naive as I thought he was. He remembers a certain look about me, a look that took him into the past. I will never reveal to him what he thinks he knows. I can't because then I won't be able to control the outcome or my feelings and emotions.

I have a strong need to control my emotions. I can only go on if I rip off that other part of me that wants to cry or reach out for someone good to hold me. Only the bad ones seem to want to reach out for me.

Holding is overrated anyway right?

April 12, 2010

Picture (me and him) its on my playlist

Living my life in a slow hell
different girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days
been fuelin up on cocaine and whiskey
wish I had a good girl to miss me
but I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
sat down and cried today
I cant look at you while I'm lying next to her
I put your picture away
sat down and cried today
I cant look at you while I'm lying next to her

I called u last night in the hotel
everyone knows but they wont tell
but there half hided smiles tell me somethin just aint right
I've been waiting on you for a long time
fuelin up on heartaches and she'd whine
I aint heard from you in 3 damn nights
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I cant look at you while I'm lyin next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I cant look at you while I'm lyin next to him

I saw you yesterday with an old friend
it wuz the same old same how have you been
since you've been gone my worlds been dark and gray
you reminded me of brighter days
I hope to be coming home to stay
I wuz head of the church
I wuz off to drink you away
I thought about you for a long time
can't seem to get you off my mind
I cant stand why we�re living like this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you
come back home

Freebird...

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

Debbie downer...

This is what I was called by my therapist tonight. In an indirect sort of way. Well yes damn it. I'm down.

Let's recap. A small brain tumor, slow dysrhythmic waves in the left temporal region (exact words on my first EEG). I just completed a two day EEG at home and the fucking nurse ripped some of my skin off of my forehead in three places. Fucking bitch.

I have another employee on progressive discipline...I'd like to show her some real discipline...two hits. I hit her, she hits the floor. There is your fucking progressive discipline bitch.

My stress level is over the moon. So Debbie downer? You bet.

I went off on my husband this morning too. Forgot to mention that tonight but then he'd call me Debbie violent...My husband lost my brown suit jacket and I completely lost it on him. He's always moving my shit around and I've had enough of that.

I used to say I'm close to the edge...now I'm saying...I've reached the edge. I think I am beyond help at this point. I'm getting worse not better. What is left to say or do at this point?

I can't keep running to the neurologist, the dentist, the psychiatrist. None of them have late afternoon appointments so fuck it...I haven't even seen the dermatologist or my OB...I can't take all this time off right now.

T's says don't tell my boss about my health problems but I might just have to so he approves me making up hours versus taking a half a fucking day for every appointment. If they don't like it then they can lay me off who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!