March 10, 2010

Anxious...

drI am so anxious tonight. I saw my P-Doc and he thinks I should have an EEG. He mentioned temporal lobe epilepsy. Not sure he's right but it is interesting to me. I used to zone out so much until I started on the Trileptal.

I'll go and have it done and see what comes back. I googled it tonight and see that there is not much difference between TLE and bipolar...interesting.

Anxiety though...mostly about my trip. We leave Saturday and there is so much going on in my head. The good news is my T said I could have a phone session...which is a huge help to me.

The not so good news is Jimmy. I have no idea how this is going to go. Will we hang out? Will it go well? Will it be weird? Who knows. I just hope that it doesn't derail my whole week.

Tonight T talked about being addicted to the drama...ha! Me? Never. Well, yes truth be told...drama is like a drug to me. I can't seem to pull away from it but move towards it.

Well tomorrow is a huge day. 8:00 meeting, 11:30 dentist appt and then work in between and after...better get to bed!

March 3, 2010

Aunt Helen, I'm coming home

And I'll be visiting you at St. Denis' Cemetery. I love spending time there. I hope the weather is not too cold so I can bring my blanket and sit on the ground with her.

I used to love going to visit her. It's very calming for me. Two more weeks and I'll be there. Last time I visited her head stone was chipped. If I could afford it, she would get one of those stone house-like tombs. I'm going to find out how much they are.

I had my session tonight and was all over the place. I must've brought up 20 topics. I told him I'm not afraid of death. Should I be? I've been through hell on earth anyway so maybe that is partly why.

I've faced death with an ex-boyfriend a long time ago. I've seen evil so why be afraid of death? What I am afraid of is LIVING. That is scarier to me than death.

I'm close to completely breaking down. I can feel it...too many losses, too many decisions, too much work at work, too much weight on me...too much of everything.

Life is just not worth living at the moment.

March 1, 2010

invisible

I love my t he knows what words i am trying to say about how i feel.
He picked the right word invisible....like i dont matter no one loves me and
No one cares....no one sees me either because i am invisible.
Now all that is needed is for the ending to this nightmare existence.
That hopefully will occur in two weeks. When it all comes full circle...

feeling unlovable and overwhelmed

I just feel unlovable. It's hard to feel loved when those closest to me abandon me or show in other ways that I am not for them.

I am overwhelmed with work to do that I am behind on. I feel like I am drowning in an avalanche of work with no one to help me out of it.

I'm getting through the to do list but very slowly. I am just not as productive as I can be. I'm not motivated and often just depressed. I want to stay in bed for a long long time.

I feel like crying...nothing is coming out though.