February 28, 2010

I'm back to "who really cares"

Seriously. It is my hallmark quote. If we die tomorrow who really cares? And for how long would they care? My child would care, maybe my parents and brother, husband I guess. A close friend or two...but for how long?

Most people, I am told, don't obsess the way I do so...does caring go from days to weeks to months..years...every other year...every so often or when a certain song comes on the radio?

This might be a good question to ask in therapy tomorrow...how long would he care of I died? A couple days at most is what I think. In fact, I think I said that to him once and got no response...I just remembered that. No response!!! That means, one of two things. He doesn't want me to know "yeah, I'd forget about you pretty quick" or " he doesn't believe me"...the latter is dangerous...he might just find that out one day.

I can get no response at home, at work, from my parents, brother, husband...why continue to subject myself to it from my therapist. Any ideas anyone?

I'll tell you why because just like my abusive mother who told me on more than one occassion, she would have been better off if I hadn't been born, oh and dad joined her in this thought process for a few years. I am used to it. I'm used to chasing after some kind of acceptance, love etc. and getting something short-lived, superficial or nothing at all.

I think love is on the other side of the world...it isn't here on earth. Can you tell I need to take more medicine. I'm starting to really flip out.

February 27, 2010

My husband likes grandma

Yes you read that right. I found something disturbing on my husband's computer over a week ago. He fantasizes about grandma. Not mine or his because they are deceased (well one of his isn't deceased) but he's looking at grandma porn.

Wow, I can't compete with that. I am only 40 and still get carded when I go out. I haven't confronted him because I have no idea what to fucking say. I have always prided myself in being so open sexually. Well, not "that" open I guess.

It's no wonder we don't have a sex life. I'd have to age about 30 years. Forget that shit. I need to find someone who is attracted to me at my natural age.

I cannot believe how my life turned out...I just can't. It's like a cruel joke or something.

I've actually felt bad about some things I've done in this marriage but not anymore.

I started picking at him tonight. Went and had a few drinks with the neighbors and when we got home...it starting eating at me. Grandma porn...what the fuck???????

All I said is you aren't attracted to me...and he denied it. I then said you probably should go and think about that for awhile and let me know what you come up with. He stormed out...yeah that's right papi...go watch more grandma porn and I'll see ya in the morning. I didn't say the last part but I wanted to.

I'm really starting to implode....

February 26, 2010

rage

Well...almost got into another fight today. Girl in starbucks parking lot...i told her you are about to mess with the wrong fucking bitch. Basically she tried to walk in front of my moving car and slowly too...so i had to jam on my brakes and waved her on. She started mumbling some shit and i rolled the window down and told her off. She said sometging igborant and then i really went off.

Word to those who walk in front of moving cars...you might just get squashed so watch it!!!!

February 23, 2010

splitting headache

dI couldn't go tonight. The weather is crappy...raining...snowing lightly. On the way to the restaurant, I got an immediate splitting headache. I was almost frozen in the pain. I had to pull over and wasn't sure I could actually get home.

I searched my truck and found two advil tablets. It was like a gift from god at that moment. I waited about 20 minutes and then drove home. My head is still splitting but not as bad.

I feel so lost right now. I talked to my dad tonight and he made me laugh a little bit but then I became sad again. I just want to be with him right now. He's in therapy too very briefly through the VA.

My dad really likes his therapist. I am amazed at this change in him. He's been diagnosed with PTSD to which I replied I have it to and got it from you....:)

He laughed at that concept. He has Leukemia and is so far controlled by medicine but honestly he can't keep his business going much longer. The drug is too hard on him and his body is breaking down.

He could tell something was wrong with me but I distracted him and we went on to another subject. I'll be visiting back home middle of march. Honestly, I don't want to come back to where I live here.

I feel like life has come full circle and the circle ends back home. I'll be staying with my brother and his fiancee and I would love to stay with him until I find a job out there. I'll have my son with me and that is all I need.

I'm thinking about this seriously...I'm going to breakdown back home. I can feel it and I don't want to come back here. It's a thought I can't get out of my head.

bipolar group tonight

I go to this group once in awhile. I went two weeks ago and plan to go tonight. It helps me to know that there are others experiencing what I do on a regular basis. Just like my blog friends.

I want to ask some of my friends if they feel they destroy relationships. Perhaps in an unconsious way? Sometimes I wonder if I do that with my T. The last think I really want is to destroy it but I feel like he is being distant with me. Or am I being distant with him? I don't think I am...but whenever I feel something about him I ask myself if I am the one who is the culprit.

Often my relationships end up destroyed...who is to blame? are both parties to blame? I am referring to my old boyfriend in this example. How did I encourage this or did I encourage this somehow?

I thought I did everything right. I didn't push him, let the friendship continue naturally. I thought I was so much better this time. In the end, it didn't work. He left again. So when I was needy...he left. When I wasn't needy...he left. I am really confused about this.

I need to let go of him once and for all. For whatever reason, we do not work as lovers or friends. So I need to live with that reality.

I look for rejection...I expect it. I accuse T of rejecting me all the time and one day he probably will...I must encourage this somehow...I need to think it through and ask my friends in group tonight.

February 20, 2010

Feeling every emotion

I can actually feel the shifts of emotions as they are happening today. For example, I look in the mirror and see my awful looking body and my mood shifts...my son runs in the room to hug me and my mood shifts...a friend calls and makes me laugh...again my mood shifts...

I had a rough week last week. The reality of ending one relationship, a life long relationship, took me over the moon. We've known each other since we were 14 so it is going to take me awhile to deal with this.

Mistakes were made while on my trip but I just need to move past it somehow. I think about my job and my mood shifts again. I don't want to go back on Monday. I want to sit in my room and never leave. Not even for therapy...I have no idea how I'm going to tell T what took place last week.

T's say that they don't judge us...do you think that is really true? Everyone else in my life judges me so why not him? Well not everyone but close enough.

I will assume his highest motive...he'd like that statement. We'll see what I am able to get out on Monday.

Anyway, I took about four Lorazepam tablets might that help? Top it off with Seroquel and Trileptal...sounds good to me.

Nighty night everyone

February 18, 2010

Ending the pain...

What does that mean to us? Is there an end to pain? Does death end pain? We don't really know do we?

I was watching this show about Jim Jones. Remember the 900 suicides in Jonesboro? I had forgotten that story but on Oprah, his son was on and it was so sad. He had kids drinking cyanide in the koolaid.

Wow...I can't imagine as a mother ever doing that to my son. Oprah made that point pretty good I think. His son thinks Jim had mental illness that spun out of control.

I'm sure he did because how can you manipulate 900 people to commit suicide and not have some long standing issue. It makes me wonder if he had gotten help would those 900 people have died?

A gruesome thought I know, I was pretty "up" this trip and now I feel myself coming down...I was very depressed today and wanted to come home early...I feel miserable about alot of things that went on this week.

I don't have the energy to type it out...I'm just not feeling good at all...

February 17, 2010

Feeling more positive

I am having an eye opening experience. Having time to think being away from all my stresses has given me the opportunity to re-group. Thinking positively hasn't been in my vocab for a long time.

T would be happy to hear me say that :) That is what I need to do...be more positive. Surround myself with positive people and get my health in order. I have been living in a very unhealthy way. My weight for one and smoking second...I need to quit on the bad food and smoking.

Tall orders but I'll try and figure out how to do just that. I also need a hug from my son...I miss him terribly.

February 16, 2010

happy now...over the moon!

I am having a geat time on my business trip. It is great that some people see me for me. It feels so good to be understood and i dont want to leave!!

I have not felt understood lately by many in my life. Having the issues that I do, I feel I'm to blame for most everything. Others are given a pass because they seemingly don't have issues.

I get comments like "did you take your medicine today" or "don't go off your medicine, it's tough on me"...tough on others? Whatever. Try having to deal with bipolar and these medicines, the low self esteem which these comments don't help me to increase my esteem at all.

The people here don't see me as a patient, someone with bipolar, someone who needs to take their meds, they just see a fun girl who loves to laugh and listen to them...

They actually think nicely of me...wow what a concept?

Last night was especially nice and I'll remember it for a long time to come :)

February 13, 2010

another ending...

Now that you have messed with my head?
Now that you have taken from the friendship all you "wanted"?
Now that you have left me here again wondering what I have done wrong.

My needs were not important, not as important as your needs were.
Do you realize that hurting me like this has its consequences?
The consequences are all mine.

It's just the way I thought it would be.
When you got all you wanted or needed, things would change between us.

I felt it during our last phone call. I am hypersensitive to the end.
I know what endings are, I just don't know was consistency is.

You're sorry...you didn't realize you would feel this way...but I did.
I knew it and let you back in again anyway.

I wasn't going to give you the satisfaction of knowing this all hurt me.
Nope, just said okay you know what is best for you.

Meanwhile, I collapse after hanging up. Somehow I must have asked for this.
When will I realize that men, whether they are friends or lovers DO NOT STAY.

It is always and I mean always temporary. I promised myself years ago that I would wall off and not be friends with men or past lovers. Well, I need to reestablish that promise. (I don't mean my blog friends just the men in my out of blog life).

I tried so hard to keep this friendship going. I did everything right this time. I didn't push, didn't have expectations, was there for him for every phone call. Somehow my calls to him dropped off with me in mid-sentence sometimes.

I just thought we would have this neat connected friendship for a long time. You know, like fucking normal people have that I can't seem to manage to keep!!!!

I should have known that this would happen again. It always does. So off to a long ass drive tomorrow to do nothing but obsessively criticize myself, hate myself and try and answer that nagging question that I've asked myself since I was a teenager...why me again?

February 10, 2010

wide awake...thanks

I'm so glad that my husband and probably my T are sleeping soundly tonight.

I AM NOT. See I'm losing it which is what I do when I cannot sleep. Bad thoughts are dancing around in my head. I took a sleeping pill now lets just hope that it kicks in.

I have an early morning meeting too. Tomorrow may be a good day to quit this damn job. Oh wait, can't do that either. Trapped, any which way I go.

Shouldn't be a mom twice...

I ventured into dangerous territory in therapy tonight. Telling T about a conversation my husband and I had about having a second child. I told T that my husband said he doesn't think I can do it...T said "you can't...".

Freudian slip? I didn't think T would say that. I was surprised to say the least. Is he right? Well, he recapped for me my mental history since he's been treating me. He's right about that. I am more stressed now than I was then. My job is much more stressful. He's right about that.

I guess it just hurts to have my husband and T, both whom I value their opinion, say I can't do it. They both say it isn't a criticism. I am trying so hard to not take it that way.

If I'm being honest, I still have suicidal feelings as it is...can i do it? I'm not sure either. I don't think they want to hurt me but as a woman, it hurts to hear I shouldn't have a second child basically "for my well being".

I told T I feel like a failure, he made valid points in the other direction. My husband says he is comfortable knowing we won't have a second child. He didn't used to be comfortable about that idea but says he is worried about how I would handle it.

I'm about to go over the edge...I thought I was a better mother than my mom...now I'm not so sure.

I just hear "you shouldn't be a mom twice...". I can't help it.

February 8, 2010

so much loss

I feel so much sadness for what cannot be, what will
Never be. Next week i will take the final step it will be
Hard but it is for the best. I have made my decision and
Now i need to move forward and not look back...

February 7, 2010

my baby turned five...

we had his party on saturday and so much went wrong with it. of course he didn't really notice but I feel so bad for him. he is such a good loving child and actually has manners and cares about people.

I wish the same could be said for the other kids and their parents. I wanted this to be a special birthday and some things happened to ruin that and I'm sick over it.

I'm so upset I can't even type it out...more later

February 3, 2010

please calm down

I wish I could calm down. I am sending myself over the moon. I have my session tonight, didn't act right last session, and my nerves are off the charts.

Luckily, I am home and no one can see me like this. I've tried everything to calm down from listening to music, to driving around, to watching tv. It's not working.

At least I am off the diet pills and the seroquel has kicked in...but I am coming apart at the seams. I did this to myself by pushing at my T...now I'm in hell.

Let that be another lesson to me. thank god for my blog and blog friends...love you all!

February 2, 2010

home now...

I figured it out...diet pills are why i have been crazy the past month
And why i am on edge. That plus no seroquel equal disaster...

So i took my seroquel and will go off the diet pills immediately and everything
Will improve...i still end up learning the hard way this is why my fingers are so raw too

I hope this is the last time to learn this lesson

daddy

I need my dad. He can fix me. I am fighting the urge to call him because i know I'll break down and what can he do from another state?

growing up, sometimes I would collapse emotionally and he would be there to pick me up. tell me its okay, he understands and make me laugh we'd go to lunch or he'd tell me funny stories and all is well. I love him completely.

Losing it...

omg, this is the worst I have felt ever. not taking seroquel even last night is not helping. I need to go home, can't work, can't think, can't function.

the suffering is unbearable and it needs to end now. right now. right now....my husband said leave work, go home and take the seroquel...but i can't move from my desk. i feel frozen.

i hate myself and life....hate everything

February 1, 2010

now what?

so what does one do when they ruin a friendship? what can be done with all of the sadness and regret? sit up all night...call out sick tomorrow from work...disappear?

I've been here before, slowly realizing how I got here again, and just don't know where to go from here. If I could turn back the pages of the past month, I would handle myself differently but I can't.

I can't sleep but never really could without Seroquel. The good news is I can't cry, the bad news is I'm lost having hurt someone I care about.

This is the point in a relationship when I realize it is time to fade to black. Perhaps save some humiliation...if that is possible anyway.