January 29, 2010

mom says she's "finished"

and I think she is. Her lung cancer is back and her doctor's use the word "containment" rather than "kill it". Her chemo has plants in it and is not the type that kills cancer. That starts on Monday...we'll see how it goes.

My mom and I have a very difficult relationship. Not close but yet somewhat close, in defined moments I guess.

I was mad at her tonight. She called my brother to say she won't live to see him get married in 2011. Well, probably not but why say that to him?? He's beyond sensitive and she knows what kind of reaction that will have. My brother is 36 but still a hurt child in many ways.

She wasn't really a mother to us at all. Always sick, always on the couch with her hand over her forehead...always an ailment...disease...problem...always angry...rageful...hateful...always at death's door but managed to scream at me daily.

I ended up saying to her the following "so your whole life, since I was a small child, you claimed to be at death's door...now you are. Happy?

A mean thing to say I know. I had to say it for some reason. I've been quiet for the past year with all the cancer stuff. I haven't said much just listened. Odd feelings are coming up in me. This isn't the time for anger is what I tell myself but it still came out.

I don't know what I feel right now...but whatever it is...it's not sorrow, sadness or worry. I guess I've accepted it. It's just the way it is.

January 28, 2010

why bother feeling anything

what good are relationships really? do we need them to survive? aren't we just fine being alone? I am...I've done it.

I am a good friend to people, good to my family, have looked forward to friendships both in and outside of work...and honestly it all seems like too much work half the time. Often it seems when I need someone...they aren't there.

so why bother? am I missing out on anything? the way I see it tonight, no not really.

relationships are just too taxing emotionally for me....at least this week.

if I can just turn off my feelings for good, then I'll be happier

January 26, 2010

seeing the future

I don't see a good future where I live. In fact, I have this overwhelming sense that something bad is going to happen. It makes me want to run...move. Is it me, my husband or god forbid my son?

I feel like it is me...I can't say why I feel this way but I do. Sometimes when people feel like this and then something happens, others say the person knew it before it happened.

The strange thing is I feel a calm about it if it is me. A sort of acceptance. Isn't that strange? scary? odd?

If I had a preference, it would be me. I wouldn't want it to be my husband or son. I had told T awhile back I feel this...I'm not sure why but its been a few months now.

Do you think we can change the inevitable? Our destiny? Maybe my depression is coming back who knows but I can't shake this feeling...it won't go away.

January 24, 2010

must get some work done!

But instead I am sitting here obsessing about stuff...I wish I could just let the thoughts go by and not affect me.

If I can just get started on my work then perhaps the obsessing will lessen. Of course, my four year old is needing me too. I am finding myself more and more annoyed with him and I don't know why.

It's a beautiful day out today and I washed my truck. Then a bird messed it up and I went and got it washed again. I'm a bit obsessed with cleaning my truck. It's still pretty new and I like to keep it that way.

What would I be like if i didn't obsess....not sure

January 18, 2010

profound sadness

That is what I feel right now at almost 11pm tonight. A deep sadness for everything that will never be or has never been in my life.

I'm sad for my son too that his mommy has so many issues that she has been distant towards him. I try hard to pull myself out of it but it doesn't always work. I was short with him this past weekend. He deserves a mommy who is present with him.

The feeling of being a failure is huge. Failing at work, at home and in life. I just want to crawl in bed and stay there forever with the covers over my head.

January 15, 2010

self harm?

This was news to me. I've picked at my fingers since I was about 7 years old. It isn't pleasant, doesn't look nice and probably increases chances of getting some infection or something worse.

I have solar nails and until recently, I wasn't able to pick at them. Anyway, I have mentioned it in therapy off and on through the years but we don't really talk about it. No response from T often raises my level of shame so I don't talk about it much.

I have looked up some stuff on line and was alarmed to find my picking issue on the self harm list...what? I always viewed self harm as cutting, burning...etc. Not what I do.

Now something else is becoming clearer to me. This bitch therapist I had when I lived in Chicago that sat and stared at me when I came to her for help over scratching my face...it was a one time incident and over a fight with my ex husband and his family. Never did it before that time or after.

My first visit to her was absolutely humiliating. She said nothing. She looked like Andrea Yates too come to think of it.

She handed me a self harm/no suicide contract that was crumpled up and thrown on the floor by the time I left and never looked back. I won't go into what happened after that but I never went back to therapy period until four years ago.

She is why I had major trust issues in therapy. She is the reason when I first called T's office I only mentioned the testing for ADD and never mentioned I was beyond depressed and suicidal...for fear I would be handed one of those damn contracts again. It wasn't until I filled out his test that I somewhat told the truth. I just wasn't ready to admit how bad things were for me.

There is still one topic to come clean on...and I'm trying but I mention my fingers and he too just stared at me. Why go any further? More staring will send me to the MOON!!!

That is what online forums are for...compassion and understanding. I found one :)

January 11, 2010

Don't mess with me.

That is what I'd like to say to my boss tomorrow. He totally made me look bad in front of people. I am so damn mad I could break a brick in two and preferably on his head.

He didn't get needed information to me in time for me to go over it with any credibility. Now it's up to me to work out a "process" with him that he will just ignore. He's a PHD for christ's sake. Isn't he smart enough to know that I wouldn't be able to speak to the information he gave me during the meeting without absorbing it before the meeting???

A PHD with no common sense. He should turn his degrees back in they are worthless.

I should walk in and resign on the spot. He had better hope I get out of this mood by tomorrow.

Men like to mess with me. That's how I feel about many of the men in my life. I have a friend I called that is ignoring me, a former boyfriend lost in isolation, a husband who doesn't get me, and another who well shall we say is quite complicated.

There are many questions I have that I never ask. I guess I know the answers so why ask? I've tried to ask before but the answers just seem rejecting so it's best to stay away from those questions.

It seems when I do open up and put myself out there, I am asking to be hurt. Just asking for it.

So maybe I'm going about this all wrong...I need to pursue my bi-curious feelings...why go to a man when a woman could do it better!!!!!!

January 10, 2010

J - I can't breathe...I love you

Here it is. The moment of truth at 2:00am on saturday night/sunday. I see you haven't been on facebook sice xmas. everyohne is asking where yiou are. I know, hyou are in hiding...so am I. I've been drinking tonight yes, but I can't deal with the reality...without you in my life? why did you ask me to watch that movie? why?? where are you? where have you gone? why don't you respond?

J, always and forever...right?

This is what I would normally say to J...but it wouldn't do any good. Better type it out here than somewhere else...I want to die, truly.

January 2, 2010

Severe Insomnia

I haven't slept since new year's eve. All I can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls. I even took an ambien and nothing happened.

I really need to sleep tonight. Work is starting again on monday and I feel so close to breaking down. My son keeps asking me if I'm happy and I'm losing it.

I can't even manage a response...how many meds do I need to take to fall asleep? How many meds can I take to forget new year's eve? These are the times I miss smoking pot. I would forget and pass out. I wish I were back home, I truly do.

Moving here was a huge mistake and I wonder will we survive? Will I survive?

Obsessing...

I can't sleep. It's 1:21am and I am sitting here obsessing about last night. New Year's Eve was okay minus one incident. I'm learning there is always an "incident" in my life.

I'm sitting here wondering what it is about me that attracts trouble. I was minding my own business last night, taking care of all the kids as they played outside in the cold. I had some jello shots but didn't feel affected. I talked to a few people but my main responsibility was the kids. I nominated myself. I always do when I'm in groups. T once said I don't trust groups and he's right. I don't.

I didn't see it coming and now I'm dealing with it. I can't type it out right now. I thought I could but I can't put it into words. I'm feeling numb and wide awake. How will I make it until Monday night for my next session?