December 30, 2010

safe or unsafe...

I was reading a post from the blog untreatable online and something caught my attention. The categorizing of people as safe or unsafe. Perfect!

That is exactly the term I was looking for tonight. I can tell when someone is unsafe when it comes to me trusting the person. I joke with my T that he is in the 90% range with trust but unfortunately that can drop pretty quickly depending on what is said from session to session.

That was somewhat of a topic tonight. He says my moods dictate how I experience him and he tries to stay the same each time. Now that I have thought a little bit about it being almost 1:00am, I see his point.

However, if I feel as if he is being distant...maybe he is. If I feel he is ignoring some important things I bring up...maybe he is. This is my whole problem with the label of borderline traits...disorder...etc. Interactions are categorized into certain columns and its a one size fits all approach.

It just ain't so...I've read that borderlines are most likely to stalk therapists, lovers etc. Nope...haven't thought about it or done that. Borderlines are pathological liars...nope although I've been known to lie here and there but not make up stories to gain attention or affection. That would be my mother though. She does that all the time.

Borderlines love threatening suicide for attention getting...did it ever occur to some in the medical profession that if we actually get the courage to even hint about suicide that maybe its worth thinking about some?

Since rejection is a huge problem for me, I doubt that I would bring up such a topic unless it were true. Although, I usually water it down for my therapist which is counterproductive. I want to talk about it but don't want to be rushed to a hospital either. If I want a hospital, I'll go myself. That decision should not be made for me.

I would run anyway if anyone tried to hospitalize me involuntarily. I guess this is why it often seems best for me to just stay quiet on this topic.

Its not one of those safe topics for sure.

December 29, 2010

when no one listens...

I'm feeling desperate again. He's not listening to me, not really. He doesn't ask any questions and I feel like giving up.

I'm falling deeper and deeper into depression but I'm not showing it. I'm hiding a lot of things but when I bring them up here and there, he says nothing so what is the point really?

Its time we do a year in review type of conversation. Maybe that will loosen something. I have this strong desire to run though because I don't handle these conversations well. Triggers me too much.

Must I really wake up tomorrow? Really?

December 26, 2010

Miracles

I do believe in them and my Aunt H proves over and over just how much they can happen. Minutes after my I'm falling post, she came through again. If I were to share this story and the other incidents no one would believe me.

But I do believe. She is always there when it matters. Always. I love you and miss you.

December 25, 2010

Aunt H...you did it...again!

I love you...I can feel you now. You did it again, he responded. I can't believe it by why not? You are always there for me, always. I love you more than ever...more than ever.

You are reminding me that he does care and to hold on...so I will...hold on. I promise. Others would think I was crazy if I told them so it will be our secret.

I should not have doubted anything but always do. I'll try better next time okay? I love you.

merry christmas...more pain

I need to write until my fingers break. Why did I do it? Before I hit send, I hesitated. My thought was leave him be...but I couldn't do that could I? No, I had to push the envelope again.

I am hurting now and wish I could take it back. Not the well wishes just the act itself. He's upset with me and I know why. I think. Why do I put my heart in other people's hands? I should be preparing the dinner for tonight and instead, I sit here fighting back the tears. Praying I don't crash but know that I will.

Nothing is constant is it? Not for me but for others it is. I hate myself and my desire to care for others. Haven't I learned from the past? The long ago past? Being the good friend, the one everyone can count on? I've always cared too much. It scares people. Why though? It's not as if I push myself on them. Or do I?

This is why I isolate myself, protect myself, and not put myself out there. Well, before I met him anyway. I was closed off from the world, my feelings and others. He taught me something different but its hard to hold on to it.

I just realized that we are seeing each other only once next week, I guess this is where it starts and ends. Can I pull away as I should? On my terms? Can I walk away? How will that feel if I do? Will he even care? Does anyone really ever care?

I care and always will, I've told him that and I mean it. I can't show it though, its too risky. Just walk away G, you can do it as you have hundreds of times before.

Aunt H, help me because I need you more than ever today. Please help me. I'm falling...

I love you most of all for making me feel loved and special. It hasn't happened since. I feel grateful for you but am still in mourning. I long for you to hold me and recite the "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer. I do that every night with my son. He often rushes through it but it reminds me of you and how I used to rush you through it. I wish I could hear that prayer just one more time from you.

That won't happen though ever. You're gone and I'm still here without you. The only mother I ever had. Taken from me when I was ten and not truly old enough to appreciate you for you. You taught me love though and how to be there for others. I do that when I really care but look what happens?? I try too hard and feel too much. What would you tell me right now? Probably something like, its okay that is why you have me...or something like that.

Why was the only person to truly love me taken so early...why was I left with that imposter of a mother. I can't feel you anymore and I desperately need to feel you now. Please...

November 26, 2010

let the games begin

So i am in an abandonment nightmare at my moms this weekend...and therapy is hard right now as well.
On top of this my therapists office called today and i missed the call. They wanted to know when my next appt is.

I want to cry and scream. Last session apparently i wasnt on the schedule even though i am always mon and wed. Why is this happening now??? I feel like it is on purpose...my therapist just told me he doesnt think i have been working hard lately which i know that is somewhat true. I said sometimes it takes something drastic to make me think and know low and behold...i am falling apart because i may not have a session monday.

I left a message but they probably wont let me know anything until monday. I am already suffering right now this isnt right...but he couldnt care less. Maybe i should quit...not that it would affect him any...this is how it always ends for me anyway...there arent enough drugs in the world to obliterate the pain i am in right now.

Last night i prayed i wouldnt wake up today but i did....my mother is denying something i remembered last weekend and my therapist is trying to induce abandonment feelings so i will work harder...no shortage of people trying to hurt me... i hate everything right now especially me.

November 12, 2010

who am i?

Female, italian, mommy, boss, wife, daughter, sister, friend, fun sometimes, scared, angry, paranoid, empty, loyal, and,overall lost...

October 6, 2010

tried but too smart...

The line of questioning failed. No reaction that was expected
Cannot trust you with the truth...wish i could though because then maybe
You could help me I know i need to go away and take care of this but there isnt time my
Friend...there just isnt time. Besides i prefer to be numb its best for all involved

This is the hardest part for me letting you in 100%. I hate being dishonest but i am in too
Deep and the only help from it is to go away, get real, and i cant do it.

i am too scared to go it alone and not be able to stay hidden. Wish i could
Just break down and confirm what you already know. but then its no longer
My private pain.

September 20, 2010

what is left to say?

Quite frankly...nothing. Its late at night, medicine is wearing off and I hate them both right now. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently who knows.

I hate even more some at work...what to do about them? Something that will change the course a bit. Some think I'm manipulative...a bad seed...perhaps a little bit antisocial...well then that is who I'll be. Watch me, I can do this MY WAY.

Everyone will take notice then eh? It'll be too late for that though.

September 14, 2010

my rant

There are not enough pills in the world to deaden this pain
I need something stronger and more final
I hate my life
I hate my job
I hate people
I don't want to wake up tomorrow
I don't want to feel anything anymore
This is the worst year of my life

I have spent the majority of my life
feeling nothing but pain

It is almost not enough that I have a son
He's better off without me

August 25, 2010

never felt pain like this before

I had surgery yesterday...unplanned surgery and in the worst place possible. Darvocet works better than morphine believe it or not but still I can feel the pain.

I may have to have another doctor check me out and honestly...I don't want anyone touching me anymore. No more surgeries...no more stitches...

What is there to do except lie here in pain???? more later

August 8, 2010

it just isn't meant to be

there are actions I can take in my life to move towards happiness. I can't take those actions though. Some changes I can make but most I cannot make.

there is the "trap" that feeling of hopelessness that won't go away. so here I am about 12.4 lbs down now and still not happy. Happiness comes from within some will tell me and I say "and that means what?" where is the "how to?".

is anyone really happy anyway or just pretending for those around them? Fake it till you make it? when what we really want to do is end it.

Now on to another topic.

I had this dream last night about Georgie...he's a kid I grew up with. The joke between my dad, Georgie, my brother and some of Georgie's cousin is "who shot the bee bee ball?". My dad is still looking for the answer to that. Was it my brother, Georgie, or one of his cousins? Who knows but it makes us all laugh when my dad gets the boys now men in a huddle and asks "now tell me, who shot the damn bee bee ball?".

In the dream, Georgie is smiling and saying "who shot the bee bee ball?" over and over. I woke up this morning and said to my husband I think Georgie just died. I don't know why I feel this way but either he or someone close to him from our inner circle died...I can't explain what I feel this way.

I called my brother and left a message, no return call yet. I went to Georgie's facebook page and there is a comment from someone today asking if he "made it home okay last night".

Georgie hasn't responded. Might not mean anything just yet. I'll wait and see.
I hope he is okay, its been on my mind all day.

I've had bad feelings before and then something happens. A few months ago I told my therapist and husband I didn't feel safe where we live and that something bad was going to happen and a few months later, we were burglarized at home. We weren't home and the detective isn't doing anything. So its up to me.

That is something I can take action on so I will...

August 1, 2010

10 lbs down!

I joined a program a month ago. I'm down 10 lbs total so far. Of course, my obsessive side is wishing it were 20lbs. I should be satisfied with 10lbs or else I might slip up. My goal is 35lbs total to lose.

It is an expensive program though but the one on one counseling really helps for accountability. Insurance paid 20% of the cost to join it.

I am still so sick, I have been all week. I need to see a doctor if I can find time in my unbelievably stressful job.

So why I am I still depressed today? Why not just be happy about a small step in the right direction? I'm trying

July 18, 2010

is it against the law...

to hire someone to kill....me?
had one of my deep conversations with my husband who now knows i am crazy.
he isnt a what if kind of thinker...

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July 9, 2010

social issues

my lack of social skills is affecting my job and many friendships. often i say stuff that make people look at me sideways....then i get angry and want to drop them.

i am a director and manage three people. one of them is always picking up on my weaknesses...she is a low skilled employee and has been written up by me

i feel like this is such a superficial world still...dont be an individual be like everyone else....am i right or wrong? lets discuss

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June 22, 2010

fat, fat, and more fat

That sums it up now doesn't it? I was going to join this program but my son needs a speech therapist which is more important than my fat reduction at the moment.

I can't exercise with this stupid fucking job of mine. I need to lose about 35 lbs at least. I've tried it all, pills, fad diets, everything except surgery or the lap-band but can't afford that either.

I swear these psychiatric drugs are the cause...I don't feel control over my life at all not since these drugs. I want to get off of them and away from the doctors too except my therapist. He won't go for me going off any of this though.

I'm going to end up six feet under.

June 9, 2010

I am lost

I feel very very lost tonight. Like I lost a best friend. I just don't feel understood by anyone really.

So much has gone wrong for me in the past three months and I am so overwhelmed, anxious, and fed up. Why talk to anyone about it really...

I'd like to close the book on myself and need to find a way to do just that. It can't be that hard right?

May 24, 2010

learned helplessness

my T brought this up tonight and its a term I haven't heard before. I certainly feel helpless about many situations in my life.

I asked him if he was getting tired of hearing me. Another comment I could have not said but there is a certain insecurity I have about dumping too much on someone, even if that is what he does all day long. I feel like a burden on people so I try not to overwhelm them.

perhaps the way to a cure is to 1) accept that I have caused many of my problems in some way and others I haven't 2) only I can change my reaction to all of this and 3) I get to pick the solution...will I pick the right one? Who knows.

If I am going to do this all by myself, then I might as well be by myself....right?

May 8, 2010

I should've shut up

and not trusted my husband...and i never will again. he took something hurtful to me and used it against me. I just want to run, be alone and/or disappear.

I pray that happens some day.

April 30, 2010

secrets

We all have them don't we? Secrets that we keep only to ourselves but that is the only person we can trust...at least with our most deepest darkest secrets.

Secrets within dark thoughts. Thoughts created a long time ago along with severe wounds that never heal but only repeat, repeat, and repeat.

Are we really always responsible for everything wrong that happens to us? Just in the wrong place at the wrong time? or the right place at the right time?

Do we live because we are supposed to or meant to? Or because we choose to?

Is every decision that we make final? or does it just lead to finality?

Do you have a plan for what you want to accomplish before you die? I do and it isn't pretty.

April 22, 2010

I don't show normal emotions

I know I don't and really never have. I have been told I'm cold, distant, rageful, vengeful, etc....an employee of mine recently told my other employee that when I wrote her up, she didn't recognize me, it was as if I was someone else. It scared her.

I've heard it a million times. None of them know real fear. The kind of fear that paralyzes a person from the inside out. No one really cares to hear about it either. I've learned that since my earliest memory.

T has changed some of that for me. He has shown me he is not the same as what I am used to. He is different, he cares, he is trustworthy, and I enjoy laughing at him or with him and I am grateful for him. he is part of a very small minority.

Now for the point of this post. I can become someone else when I need to. That is what my employee saw. She took kindness for weakness. I put up with it for awhile and then she's right, I became someone else. The person I should have been with her.

Trauma has no doubt caused many issues for me. I blame myself for all of it except for when I was about 7 years old. That for sure I know I didn't cause. The rest of it was the result of bad judgment calls or just being a bit naive. T seemed to agree with what I was saying so I must be on the right track.

I didn't ask for it perse but making the wrong choice, mixing some alcohol in as well isn't smart. For me anyway, I'm not applying this logic to anyone else. I judge my actions and no one else's actions.

I am also about inaction. I give up, sometimes to easily. Why fight? It's just a body right? I don't have to own it. A shell of sorts. I hate my body anyway, I don't belong in it.

I scare my T a little I think. I scare many people...someday i guess the emotion will come out. Who will be left holding the pieces I wonder? Next time, it won't be me I guarantee that.

I'm also a protector. Mostly of my brother. He isn't as naive as I thought he was. He remembers a certain look about me, a look that took him into the past. I will never reveal to him what he thinks he knows. I can't because then I won't be able to control the outcome or my feelings and emotions.

I have a strong need to control my emotions. I can only go on if I rip off that other part of me that wants to cry or reach out for someone good to hold me. Only the bad ones seem to want to reach out for me.

Holding is overrated anyway right?

April 12, 2010

Picture (me and him) its on my playlist

Living my life in a slow hell
different girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days
been fuelin up on cocaine and whiskey
wish I had a good girl to miss me
but I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
sat down and cried today
I cant look at you while I'm lying next to her
I put your picture away
sat down and cried today
I cant look at you while I'm lying next to her

I called u last night in the hotel
everyone knows but they wont tell
but there half hided smiles tell me somethin just aint right
I've been waiting on you for a long time
fuelin up on heartaches and she'd whine
I aint heard from you in 3 damn nights
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I cant look at you while I'm lyin next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I cant look at you while I'm lyin next to him

I saw you yesterday with an old friend
it wuz the same old same how have you been
since you've been gone my worlds been dark and gray
you reminded me of brighter days
I hope to be coming home to stay
I wuz head of the church
I wuz off to drink you away
I thought about you for a long time
can't seem to get you off my mind
I cant stand why we�re living like this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you
come back home

Freebird...

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

Debbie downer...

This is what I was called by my therapist tonight. In an indirect sort of way. Well yes damn it. I'm down.

Let's recap. A small brain tumor, slow dysrhythmic waves in the left temporal region (exact words on my first EEG). I just completed a two day EEG at home and the fucking nurse ripped some of my skin off of my forehead in three places. Fucking bitch.

I have another employee on progressive discipline...I'd like to show her some real discipline...two hits. I hit her, she hits the floor. There is your fucking progressive discipline bitch.

My stress level is over the moon. So Debbie downer? You bet.

I went off on my husband this morning too. Forgot to mention that tonight but then he'd call me Debbie violent...My husband lost my brown suit jacket and I completely lost it on him. He's always moving my shit around and I've had enough of that.

I used to say I'm close to the edge...now I'm saying...I've reached the edge. I think I am beyond help at this point. I'm getting worse not better. What is left to say or do at this point?

I can't keep running to the neurologist, the dentist, the psychiatrist. None of them have late afternoon appointments so fuck it...I haven't even seen the dermatologist or my OB...I can't take all this time off right now.

T's says don't tell my boss about my health problems but I might just have to so he approves me making up hours versus taking a half a fucking day for every appointment. If they don't like it then they can lay me off who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 10, 2010

Anxious...

drI am so anxious tonight. I saw my P-Doc and he thinks I should have an EEG. He mentioned temporal lobe epilepsy. Not sure he's right but it is interesting to me. I used to zone out so much until I started on the Trileptal.

I'll go and have it done and see what comes back. I googled it tonight and see that there is not much difference between TLE and bipolar...interesting.

Anxiety though...mostly about my trip. We leave Saturday and there is so much going on in my head. The good news is my T said I could have a phone session...which is a huge help to me.

The not so good news is Jimmy. I have no idea how this is going to go. Will we hang out? Will it go well? Will it be weird? Who knows. I just hope that it doesn't derail my whole week.

Tonight T talked about being addicted to the drama...ha! Me? Never. Well, yes truth be told...drama is like a drug to me. I can't seem to pull away from it but move towards it.

Well tomorrow is a huge day. 8:00 meeting, 11:30 dentist appt and then work in between and after...better get to bed!

March 3, 2010

Aunt Helen, I'm coming home

And I'll be visiting you at St. Denis' Cemetery. I love spending time there. I hope the weather is not too cold so I can bring my blanket and sit on the ground with her.

I used to love going to visit her. It's very calming for me. Two more weeks and I'll be there. Last time I visited her head stone was chipped. If I could afford it, she would get one of those stone house-like tombs. I'm going to find out how much they are.

I had my session tonight and was all over the place. I must've brought up 20 topics. I told him I'm not afraid of death. Should I be? I've been through hell on earth anyway so maybe that is partly why.

I've faced death with an ex-boyfriend a long time ago. I've seen evil so why be afraid of death? What I am afraid of is LIVING. That is scarier to me than death.

I'm close to completely breaking down. I can feel it...too many losses, too many decisions, too much work at work, too much weight on me...too much of everything.

Life is just not worth living at the moment.

March 1, 2010

invisible

I love my t he knows what words i am trying to say about how i feel.
He picked the right word invisible....like i dont matter no one loves me and
No one cares....no one sees me either because i am invisible.
Now all that is needed is for the ending to this nightmare existence.
That hopefully will occur in two weeks. When it all comes full circle...

feeling unlovable and overwhelmed

I just feel unlovable. It's hard to feel loved when those closest to me abandon me or show in other ways that I am not for them.

I am overwhelmed with work to do that I am behind on. I feel like I am drowning in an avalanche of work with no one to help me out of it.

I'm getting through the to do list but very slowly. I am just not as productive as I can be. I'm not motivated and often just depressed. I want to stay in bed for a long long time.

I feel like crying...nothing is coming out though.

February 28, 2010

I'm back to "who really cares"

Seriously. It is my hallmark quote. If we die tomorrow who really cares? And for how long would they care? My child would care, maybe my parents and brother, husband I guess. A close friend or two...but for how long?

Most people, I am told, don't obsess the way I do so...does caring go from days to weeks to months..years...every other year...every so often or when a certain song comes on the radio?

This might be a good question to ask in therapy tomorrow...how long would he care of I died? A couple days at most is what I think. In fact, I think I said that to him once and got no response...I just remembered that. No response!!! That means, one of two things. He doesn't want me to know "yeah, I'd forget about you pretty quick" or " he doesn't believe me"...the latter is dangerous...he might just find that out one day.

I can get no response at home, at work, from my parents, brother, husband...why continue to subject myself to it from my therapist. Any ideas anyone?

I'll tell you why because just like my abusive mother who told me on more than one occassion, she would have been better off if I hadn't been born, oh and dad joined her in this thought process for a few years. I am used to it. I'm used to chasing after some kind of acceptance, love etc. and getting something short-lived, superficial or nothing at all.

I think love is on the other side of the world...it isn't here on earth. Can you tell I need to take more medicine. I'm starting to really flip out.

February 27, 2010

My husband likes grandma

Yes you read that right. I found something disturbing on my husband's computer over a week ago. He fantasizes about grandma. Not mine or his because they are deceased (well one of his isn't deceased) but he's looking at grandma porn.

Wow, I can't compete with that. I am only 40 and still get carded when I go out. I haven't confronted him because I have no idea what to fucking say. I have always prided myself in being so open sexually. Well, not "that" open I guess.

It's no wonder we don't have a sex life. I'd have to age about 30 years. Forget that shit. I need to find someone who is attracted to me at my natural age.

I cannot believe how my life turned out...I just can't. It's like a cruel joke or something.

I've actually felt bad about some things I've done in this marriage but not anymore.

I started picking at him tonight. Went and had a few drinks with the neighbors and when we got home...it starting eating at me. Grandma porn...what the fuck???????

All I said is you aren't attracted to me...and he denied it. I then said you probably should go and think about that for awhile and let me know what you come up with. He stormed out...yeah that's right papi...go watch more grandma porn and I'll see ya in the morning. I didn't say the last part but I wanted to.

I'm really starting to implode....

February 26, 2010

rage

Well...almost got into another fight today. Girl in starbucks parking lot...i told her you are about to mess with the wrong fucking bitch. Basically she tried to walk in front of my moving car and slowly too...so i had to jam on my brakes and waved her on. She started mumbling some shit and i rolled the window down and told her off. She said sometging igborant and then i really went off.

Word to those who walk in front of moving cars...you might just get squashed so watch it!!!!

February 23, 2010

splitting headache

dI couldn't go tonight. The weather is crappy...raining...snowing lightly. On the way to the restaurant, I got an immediate splitting headache. I was almost frozen in the pain. I had to pull over and wasn't sure I could actually get home.

I searched my truck and found two advil tablets. It was like a gift from god at that moment. I waited about 20 minutes and then drove home. My head is still splitting but not as bad.

I feel so lost right now. I talked to my dad tonight and he made me laugh a little bit but then I became sad again. I just want to be with him right now. He's in therapy too very briefly through the VA.

My dad really likes his therapist. I am amazed at this change in him. He's been diagnosed with PTSD to which I replied I have it to and got it from you....:)

He laughed at that concept. He has Leukemia and is so far controlled by medicine but honestly he can't keep his business going much longer. The drug is too hard on him and his body is breaking down.

He could tell something was wrong with me but I distracted him and we went on to another subject. I'll be visiting back home middle of march. Honestly, I don't want to come back to where I live here.

I feel like life has come full circle and the circle ends back home. I'll be staying with my brother and his fiancee and I would love to stay with him until I find a job out there. I'll have my son with me and that is all I need.

I'm thinking about this seriously...I'm going to breakdown back home. I can feel it and I don't want to come back here. It's a thought I can't get out of my head.

bipolar group tonight

I go to this group once in awhile. I went two weeks ago and plan to go tonight. It helps me to know that there are others experiencing what I do on a regular basis. Just like my blog friends.

I want to ask some of my friends if they feel they destroy relationships. Perhaps in an unconsious way? Sometimes I wonder if I do that with my T. The last think I really want is to destroy it but I feel like he is being distant with me. Or am I being distant with him? I don't think I am...but whenever I feel something about him I ask myself if I am the one who is the culprit.

Often my relationships end up destroyed...who is to blame? are both parties to blame? I am referring to my old boyfriend in this example. How did I encourage this or did I encourage this somehow?

I thought I did everything right. I didn't push him, let the friendship continue naturally. I thought I was so much better this time. In the end, it didn't work. He left again. So when I was needy...he left. When I wasn't needy...he left. I am really confused about this.

I need to let go of him once and for all. For whatever reason, we do not work as lovers or friends. So I need to live with that reality.

I look for rejection...I expect it. I accuse T of rejecting me all the time and one day he probably will...I must encourage this somehow...I need to think it through and ask my friends in group tonight.

February 20, 2010

Feeling every emotion

I can actually feel the shifts of emotions as they are happening today. For example, I look in the mirror and see my awful looking body and my mood shifts...my son runs in the room to hug me and my mood shifts...a friend calls and makes me laugh...again my mood shifts...

I had a rough week last week. The reality of ending one relationship, a life long relationship, took me over the moon. We've known each other since we were 14 so it is going to take me awhile to deal with this.

Mistakes were made while on my trip but I just need to move past it somehow. I think about my job and my mood shifts again. I don't want to go back on Monday. I want to sit in my room and never leave. Not even for therapy...I have no idea how I'm going to tell T what took place last week.

T's say that they don't judge us...do you think that is really true? Everyone else in my life judges me so why not him? Well not everyone but close enough.

I will assume his highest motive...he'd like that statement. We'll see what I am able to get out on Monday.

Anyway, I took about four Lorazepam tablets might that help? Top it off with Seroquel and Trileptal...sounds good to me.

Nighty night everyone

February 18, 2010

Ending the pain...

What does that mean to us? Is there an end to pain? Does death end pain? We don't really know do we?

I was watching this show about Jim Jones. Remember the 900 suicides in Jonesboro? I had forgotten that story but on Oprah, his son was on and it was so sad. He had kids drinking cyanide in the koolaid.

Wow...I can't imagine as a mother ever doing that to my son. Oprah made that point pretty good I think. His son thinks Jim had mental illness that spun out of control.

I'm sure he did because how can you manipulate 900 people to commit suicide and not have some long standing issue. It makes me wonder if he had gotten help would those 900 people have died?

A gruesome thought I know, I was pretty "up" this trip and now I feel myself coming down...I was very depressed today and wanted to come home early...I feel miserable about alot of things that went on this week.

I don't have the energy to type it out...I'm just not feeling good at all...

February 17, 2010

Feeling more positive

I am having an eye opening experience. Having time to think being away from all my stresses has given me the opportunity to re-group. Thinking positively hasn't been in my vocab for a long time.

T would be happy to hear me say that :) That is what I need to do...be more positive. Surround myself with positive people and get my health in order. I have been living in a very unhealthy way. My weight for one and smoking second...I need to quit on the bad food and smoking.

Tall orders but I'll try and figure out how to do just that. I also need a hug from my son...I miss him terribly.

February 16, 2010

happy now...over the moon!

I am having a geat time on my business trip. It is great that some people see me for me. It feels so good to be understood and i dont want to leave!!

I have not felt understood lately by many in my life. Having the issues that I do, I feel I'm to blame for most everything. Others are given a pass because they seemingly don't have issues.

I get comments like "did you take your medicine today" or "don't go off your medicine, it's tough on me"...tough on others? Whatever. Try having to deal with bipolar and these medicines, the low self esteem which these comments don't help me to increase my esteem at all.

The people here don't see me as a patient, someone with bipolar, someone who needs to take their meds, they just see a fun girl who loves to laugh and listen to them...

They actually think nicely of me...wow what a concept?

Last night was especially nice and I'll remember it for a long time to come :)

February 13, 2010

another ending...

Now that you have messed with my head?
Now that you have taken from the friendship all you "wanted"?
Now that you have left me here again wondering what I have done wrong.

My needs were not important, not as important as your needs were.
Do you realize that hurting me like this has its consequences?
The consequences are all mine.

It's just the way I thought it would be.
When you got all you wanted or needed, things would change between us.

I felt it during our last phone call. I am hypersensitive to the end.
I know what endings are, I just don't know was consistency is.

You're sorry...you didn't realize you would feel this way...but I did.
I knew it and let you back in again anyway.

I wasn't going to give you the satisfaction of knowing this all hurt me.
Nope, just said okay you know what is best for you.

Meanwhile, I collapse after hanging up. Somehow I must have asked for this.
When will I realize that men, whether they are friends or lovers DO NOT STAY.

It is always and I mean always temporary. I promised myself years ago that I would wall off and not be friends with men or past lovers. Well, I need to reestablish that promise. (I don't mean my blog friends just the men in my out of blog life).

I tried so hard to keep this friendship going. I did everything right this time. I didn't push, didn't have expectations, was there for him for every phone call. Somehow my calls to him dropped off with me in mid-sentence sometimes.

I just thought we would have this neat connected friendship for a long time. You know, like fucking normal people have that I can't seem to manage to keep!!!!

I should have known that this would happen again. It always does. So off to a long ass drive tomorrow to do nothing but obsessively criticize myself, hate myself and try and answer that nagging question that I've asked myself since I was a teenager...why me again?

February 10, 2010

wide awake...thanks

I'm so glad that my husband and probably my T are sleeping soundly tonight.

I AM NOT. See I'm losing it which is what I do when I cannot sleep. Bad thoughts are dancing around in my head. I took a sleeping pill now lets just hope that it kicks in.

I have an early morning meeting too. Tomorrow may be a good day to quit this damn job. Oh wait, can't do that either. Trapped, any which way I go.

Shouldn't be a mom twice...

I ventured into dangerous territory in therapy tonight. Telling T about a conversation my husband and I had about having a second child. I told T that my husband said he doesn't think I can do it...T said "you can't...".

Freudian slip? I didn't think T would say that. I was surprised to say the least. Is he right? Well, he recapped for me my mental history since he's been treating me. He's right about that. I am more stressed now than I was then. My job is much more stressful. He's right about that.

I guess it just hurts to have my husband and T, both whom I value their opinion, say I can't do it. They both say it isn't a criticism. I am trying so hard to not take it that way.

If I'm being honest, I still have suicidal feelings as it is...can i do it? I'm not sure either. I don't think they want to hurt me but as a woman, it hurts to hear I shouldn't have a second child basically "for my well being".

I told T I feel like a failure, he made valid points in the other direction. My husband says he is comfortable knowing we won't have a second child. He didn't used to be comfortable about that idea but says he is worried about how I would handle it.

I'm about to go over the edge...I thought I was a better mother than my mom...now I'm not so sure.

I just hear "you shouldn't be a mom twice...". I can't help it.

February 8, 2010

so much loss

I feel so much sadness for what cannot be, what will
Never be. Next week i will take the final step it will be
Hard but it is for the best. I have made my decision and
Now i need to move forward and not look back...

February 7, 2010

my baby turned five...

we had his party on saturday and so much went wrong with it. of course he didn't really notice but I feel so bad for him. he is such a good loving child and actually has manners and cares about people.

I wish the same could be said for the other kids and their parents. I wanted this to be a special birthday and some things happened to ruin that and I'm sick over it.

I'm so upset I can't even type it out...more later

February 3, 2010

please calm down

I wish I could calm down. I am sending myself over the moon. I have my session tonight, didn't act right last session, and my nerves are off the charts.

Luckily, I am home and no one can see me like this. I've tried everything to calm down from listening to music, to driving around, to watching tv. It's not working.

At least I am off the diet pills and the seroquel has kicked in...but I am coming apart at the seams. I did this to myself by pushing at my T...now I'm in hell.

Let that be another lesson to me. thank god for my blog and blog friends...love you all!

February 2, 2010

home now...

I figured it out...diet pills are why i have been crazy the past month
And why i am on edge. That plus no seroquel equal disaster...

So i took my seroquel and will go off the diet pills immediately and everything
Will improve...i still end up learning the hard way this is why my fingers are so raw too

I hope this is the last time to learn this lesson

daddy

I need my dad. He can fix me. I am fighting the urge to call him because i know I'll break down and what can he do from another state?

growing up, sometimes I would collapse emotionally and he would be there to pick me up. tell me its okay, he understands and make me laugh we'd go to lunch or he'd tell me funny stories and all is well. I love him completely.

Losing it...

omg, this is the worst I have felt ever. not taking seroquel even last night is not helping. I need to go home, can't work, can't think, can't function.

the suffering is unbearable and it needs to end now. right now. right now....my husband said leave work, go home and take the seroquel...but i can't move from my desk. i feel frozen.

i hate myself and life....hate everything

February 1, 2010

now what?

so what does one do when they ruin a friendship? what can be done with all of the sadness and regret? sit up all night...call out sick tomorrow from work...disappear?

I've been here before, slowly realizing how I got here again, and just don't know where to go from here. If I could turn back the pages of the past month, I would handle myself differently but I can't.

I can't sleep but never really could without Seroquel. The good news is I can't cry, the bad news is I'm lost having hurt someone I care about.

This is the point in a relationship when I realize it is time to fade to black. Perhaps save some humiliation...if that is possible anyway.

January 29, 2010

mom says she's "finished"

and I think she is. Her lung cancer is back and her doctor's use the word "containment" rather than "kill it". Her chemo has plants in it and is not the type that kills cancer. That starts on Monday...we'll see how it goes.

My mom and I have a very difficult relationship. Not close but yet somewhat close, in defined moments I guess.

I was mad at her tonight. She called my brother to say she won't live to see him get married in 2011. Well, probably not but why say that to him?? He's beyond sensitive and she knows what kind of reaction that will have. My brother is 36 but still a hurt child in many ways.

She wasn't really a mother to us at all. Always sick, always on the couch with her hand over her forehead...always an ailment...disease...problem...always angry...rageful...hateful...always at death's door but managed to scream at me daily.

I ended up saying to her the following "so your whole life, since I was a small child, you claimed to be at death's door...now you are. Happy?

A mean thing to say I know. I had to say it for some reason. I've been quiet for the past year with all the cancer stuff. I haven't said much just listened. Odd feelings are coming up in me. This isn't the time for anger is what I tell myself but it still came out.

I don't know what I feel right now...but whatever it is...it's not sorrow, sadness or worry. I guess I've accepted it. It's just the way it is.

January 28, 2010

why bother feeling anything

what good are relationships really? do we need them to survive? aren't we just fine being alone? I am...I've done it.

I am a good friend to people, good to my family, have looked forward to friendships both in and outside of work...and honestly it all seems like too much work half the time. Often it seems when I need someone...they aren't there.

so why bother? am I missing out on anything? the way I see it tonight, no not really.

relationships are just too taxing emotionally for me....at least this week.

if I can just turn off my feelings for good, then I'll be happier

January 26, 2010

seeing the future

I don't see a good future where I live. In fact, I have this overwhelming sense that something bad is going to happen. It makes me want to run...move. Is it me, my husband or god forbid my son?

I feel like it is me...I can't say why I feel this way but I do. Sometimes when people feel like this and then something happens, others say the person knew it before it happened.

The strange thing is I feel a calm about it if it is me. A sort of acceptance. Isn't that strange? scary? odd?

If I had a preference, it would be me. I wouldn't want it to be my husband or son. I had told T awhile back I feel this...I'm not sure why but its been a few months now.

Do you think we can change the inevitable? Our destiny? Maybe my depression is coming back who knows but I can't shake this feeling...it won't go away.

January 24, 2010

must get some work done!

But instead I am sitting here obsessing about stuff...I wish I could just let the thoughts go by and not affect me.

If I can just get started on my work then perhaps the obsessing will lessen. Of course, my four year old is needing me too. I am finding myself more and more annoyed with him and I don't know why.

It's a beautiful day out today and I washed my truck. Then a bird messed it up and I went and got it washed again. I'm a bit obsessed with cleaning my truck. It's still pretty new and I like to keep it that way.

What would I be like if i didn't obsess....not sure

January 18, 2010

profound sadness

That is what I feel right now at almost 11pm tonight. A deep sadness for everything that will never be or has never been in my life.

I'm sad for my son too that his mommy has so many issues that she has been distant towards him. I try hard to pull myself out of it but it doesn't always work. I was short with him this past weekend. He deserves a mommy who is present with him.

The feeling of being a failure is huge. Failing at work, at home and in life. I just want to crawl in bed and stay there forever with the covers over my head.

January 15, 2010

self harm?

This was news to me. I've picked at my fingers since I was about 7 years old. It isn't pleasant, doesn't look nice and probably increases chances of getting some infection or something worse.

I have solar nails and until recently, I wasn't able to pick at them. Anyway, I have mentioned it in therapy off and on through the years but we don't really talk about it. No response from T often raises my level of shame so I don't talk about it much.

I have looked up some stuff on line and was alarmed to find my picking issue on the self harm list...what? I always viewed self harm as cutting, burning...etc. Not what I do.

Now something else is becoming clearer to me. This bitch therapist I had when I lived in Chicago that sat and stared at me when I came to her for help over scratching my face...it was a one time incident and over a fight with my ex husband and his family. Never did it before that time or after.

My first visit to her was absolutely humiliating. She said nothing. She looked like Andrea Yates too come to think of it.

She handed me a self harm/no suicide contract that was crumpled up and thrown on the floor by the time I left and never looked back. I won't go into what happened after that but I never went back to therapy period until four years ago.

She is why I had major trust issues in therapy. She is the reason when I first called T's office I only mentioned the testing for ADD and never mentioned I was beyond depressed and suicidal...for fear I would be handed one of those damn contracts again. It wasn't until I filled out his test that I somewhat told the truth. I just wasn't ready to admit how bad things were for me.

There is still one topic to come clean on...and I'm trying but I mention my fingers and he too just stared at me. Why go any further? More staring will send me to the MOON!!!

That is what online forums are for...compassion and understanding. I found one :)

January 11, 2010

Don't mess with me.

That is what I'd like to say to my boss tomorrow. He totally made me look bad in front of people. I am so damn mad I could break a brick in two and preferably on his head.

He didn't get needed information to me in time for me to go over it with any credibility. Now it's up to me to work out a "process" with him that he will just ignore. He's a PHD for christ's sake. Isn't he smart enough to know that I wouldn't be able to speak to the information he gave me during the meeting without absorbing it before the meeting???

A PHD with no common sense. He should turn his degrees back in they are worthless.

I should walk in and resign on the spot. He had better hope I get out of this mood by tomorrow.

Men like to mess with me. That's how I feel about many of the men in my life. I have a friend I called that is ignoring me, a former boyfriend lost in isolation, a husband who doesn't get me, and another who well shall we say is quite complicated.

There are many questions I have that I never ask. I guess I know the answers so why ask? I've tried to ask before but the answers just seem rejecting so it's best to stay away from those questions.

It seems when I do open up and put myself out there, I am asking to be hurt. Just asking for it.

So maybe I'm going about this all wrong...I need to pursue my bi-curious feelings...why go to a man when a woman could do it better!!!!!!

January 10, 2010

J - I can't breathe...I love you

Here it is. The moment of truth at 2:00am on saturday night/sunday. I see you haven't been on facebook sice xmas. everyohne is asking where yiou are. I know, hyou are in hiding...so am I. I've been drinking tonight yes, but I can't deal with the reality...without you in my life? why did you ask me to watch that movie? why?? where are you? where have you gone? why don't you respond?

J, always and forever...right?

This is what I would normally say to J...but it wouldn't do any good. Better type it out here than somewhere else...I want to die, truly.

January 2, 2010

Severe Insomnia

I haven't slept since new year's eve. All I can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls. I even took an ambien and nothing happened.

I really need to sleep tonight. Work is starting again on monday and I feel so close to breaking down. My son keeps asking me if I'm happy and I'm losing it.

I can't even manage a response...how many meds do I need to take to fall asleep? How many meds can I take to forget new year's eve? These are the times I miss smoking pot. I would forget and pass out. I wish I were back home, I truly do.

Moving here was a huge mistake and I wonder will we survive? Will I survive?

Obsessing...

I can't sleep. It's 1:21am and I am sitting here obsessing about last night. New Year's Eve was okay minus one incident. I'm learning there is always an "incident" in my life.

I'm sitting here wondering what it is about me that attracts trouble. I was minding my own business last night, taking care of all the kids as they played outside in the cold. I had some jello shots but didn't feel affected. I talked to a few people but my main responsibility was the kids. I nominated myself. I always do when I'm in groups. T once said I don't trust groups and he's right. I don't.

I didn't see it coming and now I'm dealing with it. I can't type it out right now. I thought I could but I can't put it into words. I'm feeling numb and wide awake. How will I make it until Monday night for my next session?