mania destroys happiness

and what is happiness anyway? I'm told it comes from "within". What exactly does that mean? and how do we achieve it? If we haven't by the time we are 40 years old, will we ever achieve it?

my moods are so in the way of any happiness. I had a major episode on Sunday night which occurred during a cleaning session of the bathroom. I went nuts and I'm not really sure why. I shouldn't have been cleaning anyway with my back the way it is. I could not rest though, I was on the high I get from time to time.

we had a great vacation but a really hard ride home. I was so out of it. My head was pounding still on sunday night but I went on a cleaning frenzy at 9:00pm.

I ended up exploding on my husband and said very bad things to him. He made the connection that over the years, when cleaning I have these episodes towards him.

He blames the cleaning but I think maybe its a manic episode. I could not control my mood at all. I threatened to burn the house down, divorce him and everything in between. This was one of my worst episodes.

I should have talked about this in therapy the other night but was so drained from it that I avoided the topic. I need to go over this tomorrow. My medicines definitely put some distance between the episodes but eventually it happens anyway.

I need to learn what triggers this crap so I can try to prevent them. The next day on Monday I was drained but felt better. I did my usual apology to my husband. This is all confusing for him and agonizing for me.

Now I can feel the downward spiral coming...thinking about how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake up.