December 31, 2009

Spiraling

I found an on-line art tool. I made a new profile picture and call it spiraling.
That is how I feel today. Just spiraling...

Reality Sucks

Isn't that the truth? I know this for sure. I need to somehow focus on more positive thoughts and actions. I'm 40 after all and the mother of a four year old. He needs an adult parent not a child.

There is a child part of me that holds on to the past and it isn't a great past either. Makes one wonder why I hold on to it. Unfinished business? I see shattered pieces of my life that need to be put back together. Some if it has thanks to T. There are still pieces laying around just waiting for me to put them back together.

If I were any good at art, I could create a canvas of shattered glass. I don't even know if canvas and glass go together. I would use blue, black and red. I wonder what that means. Those are the colors that come to mind without thinking.

I'm going to see if I can find something on line that looks like what I am picturing. Maybe that will help.

December 30, 2009

Insight

I have some insight into my calls with Jimmy yesterday. He ended up calling me back after all and what he said next changed everything.

After talking once again about the baby that will never be, he said that there was a reunion party in January he thought I should crash.

It is a reunion with the residents of his old neighborhood. One of those residents is the girl he cheated on me with. I immediately became anxious then angry. I asked why he thought I should crash it and he said "it would be funny wouldn't it?".

Hell no!! Why in the world would I want to see her again. I went through hell because of her and him. She is the one person I never want to see again. The drama back then that unfolded was horrid for me.

My T said the other day that he hasn't grown up. He is still stuck in the past. The fact that he would want this drama to unfold yet again tells me T is right. Also, if he truly cares why would he 1) ask me to watch a film that would hurt me and 2) now want me and the girl he cheated with in the same room.

Wow. I see this now and I'm beyond hurt and mad at myself. He really is still in the past and it's a past that I don't want to remember anymore. I told him no that I wouldn't want to crash that party. We were both quiet at this point. Even though we've been in touch the last few years it is always the past that we talk about.

He is trying to recreate that past and I don't want any part of it. I have grown past this but he hasn't. I told him I needed to go and didn't say anything more.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to stay in touch but not if this is always going to be our topic. We do talk about our kids, families etc. but it always comes back to this.

Insight is both painful and eye widening. I feel bad for him because he is still stuck there and I don't know what he hopes to get from all of this. If I want to move past it then it all needs to stay where it belongs...in the past.

December 29, 2009

and he calls!

Just about ten minutes ago, Jimmy calls. I almost didn't answer the damn phone but that pull in me just couldn't resist.

The first thing out of his mouth? Did you watch the movie sunshine? I already had some questions ready. My T gave me a few. I asked him "what did you want me to get out of the movie?". His answer? "oh, I don't know...I just watched it and thought of you and how the ending of the movie really hit me". He went on to say "how could we make the decision that we did?". "what gave us that right?".

I about died. He wishes that he was more forceful and had listened to his inner voice he said. I wish the same but I asked him "what can we do about that now?". I told him the movie hurt me. He seemed to gloss over that point. Just kept reiterating that the decision we made is the biggest regret of his life. That and hurting me after that in our relationship.

I asked him if he felt at all rejected by me because I went through with it. He emphatically said no, he never felt like that. He always felt it was both our decision and if he had wanted the baby and I still went ahead then he would have felt rejected.

Wow. So much to process. We talked about some of the hurt afterwards. I asked him if he was getting even with me by his cheating later on in the relationship. He said no but that was his way of pulling back on me. isn't that the same damn thing?? I wish I had said that but I didn't.

He wasn't emotionally into the conversation. Not like the day he told me to watch the movie. He seemed detached. I know him, he obsesses and then becomes detached.

I don't know where this leaves us now. I did say we needed to close the chapter on the discussion. He became more distant. What does he want from me? I can't change any of it. If I could have, I would in a flash.

Then the cell went dead. I tried calling back but to no avail. He does this sometimes. The cell just goes dead and I'm left with more pain when he doesn't call back. It usually happens when we are talking about something big. He'll call in a few days and complain about his cell phone. But that is not it. He just wants to leave me hanging...just like always.

I will never heal.

abandonment/rejection

On top of bipolar symptoms I also have this issue. Seems like wounds that never heal. I'm not sure where it all stems from but it's here nonetheless.

I am drawn to unavailable men for example. My life long love seems to be tied to it. I can't let go. I should let go but can't. We're both married but have agreed to be friends always and forever. It's harder than I thought however. We both have another wound that will never heal. It has to do with a child that will never be. He can't let go and I am having a hard time hearing that from him.

He asked me to watch a movie called Bella. I made the mistake of watching it on christmas day. It's a movie centered around a girl making the choice to have a child or not. In the end, she chooses to have the child and this other guy raises her for awhile until the mom comes back at the end of the movie.

I'm torn. On one hand I am so mad at him for asking me to watch this movie. On the other hand, I'm sitting here wondering what it all means. It makes me want to run further into him and never let go. We both regret the decision but why can't he let go of it? It killed me to watch that movie.

Back to my abandonment issue. My relational pattern. Looking for something, almost desperately to fill a deep void. I could not let go of him. I still can't. The thought makes me absolutely desperate to hold on. Looking for any sign that he wants me to hold on. It's clouding my judgment.

I'm always looking for someone to connect with on that deep level. My husband filled the void when we first dated and the first couple years. Then, oddly, he no longer filled it. I'm not sure why though.

I wait for others to reject me. This comes up in therapy quite often. I don't really talk about it much anymore. It's too difficult. If I perceive any rejection, I just try to distract myself from the feeling. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.

Sometimes when I do perceive and feel abandonment, it makes me want to run and never look back. I did that with my former boyfriend and it took ten years, then I looked him up again. I did this in the first few months of my therapy sessions. That means something looking back on it.

I don't remember the exact session or what was going on, I just remember that I needed to make contact with Jimmy again. So I did and here we are now, still all up in it.

I will say this, I am mentally exhausted from feeling this way. I'll end up dying from this void is what I think. then in my mind, it's over. I don't have to feel it anymore. I don't think this ever really resolves.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has resolved it. How did you do it? or if not, how do you go on?

December 25, 2009

merry christmas!

The morning opened with my son waking us up first to help him to the potty and second to his presents...he was so cute.

Most of the presents that "santa" got him are puzzles and games that he can play with us. I'm excited about playing games with him. He's at that age now.

I'll be cooking tonight. Baked italian chicken, pasta and my italian gravy.

I hope you all have a good day, thanks for listening to me and I'll be here for you as well. Hugs~

December 24, 2009

unwanted thoughts

How does one make unwanted thoughts go away? I tend to just have the same thoughts over and over and over again. I've kept as busy as I can today. We were supposed to go to dinner tonight but verizon and fedex ruined that for us (long story).

I've been spiraling for a while now and the depression has set in. I am trying like hell to focus on better things but its so hard. I've been grappling with a major decision for a bit now and can't seem to make the decision or shake it off.

The whole day hasn't been a total loss. My son and I were together and have had some fun watching christmas movies and getting ready for santa. He's left out the cookies, milk and even has a napkin ready for santa.

Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, things will clear up. I haven't slept the last few nights and that is never good for me or anyone around me.

December 23, 2009

Do some therapists regret taking on certain patients?

That is how I feel about mine sometimes. Like maybe he regets taking me on. We had a session last night and he mentioned that he was talking to someone about what it would mean for his patients should he retire. He stated that it would be fine but there is this one patient...me who wouldn't be fine.

He sees so many patients that it took me back a bit. I am that "one patient". It reminds me of my mother telling me how she regretted having me. She would say this in anger during the teenage years. It's always stuck with me.

I keep wondering what this means. I am the one patient who is what? A burden? a regret? The one who won't go away? I told him I can go away at any point...just say the word. He said he didn't mean that but then why say it?

He always says assume his highest motive. Nothing is said by accident in therapy. There is always a reason behind the words. So what do I do with this? It makes me want to run and not look back. I'm sad, hurt, and confused. It's the statement I never wanted to hear and I've heard it.

I don't believe he's being mean or anything but there is a meaning to what he said. I don't want to spend my christmas focused on this but I am so far. That makes me mad too. He isn't spending his holiday focused on this...he gets to make the comment and forget about it. I get to think about it.

Oh well, it was bound to happen at some point. That I would be that "one patient".

December 16, 2009

Bundle of nerves...

What helps is some tylenol with codiene and thank god my mom had a bottle to give me. It's day two of my cycle and with all the stress I've been under it certainly takes the pain away and the edge off.

I wish it was in liquid form because it tastes awful going down. But hey, I'm not complaining. My body is falling apart literally. I got the name of a chiropractor from a girl at work. I'm going to see him. Apparently, he helps many of the people I work with so he is familiar with the stress we all go through on a daily basis.

I had my session tonight and I was all over the place as usual. Very much like my work day is...all over the place. One thing that I am thinking about is "perfection". It's an issue for me.

I cannot tolerate making mistakes. It's just not what is acceptable to me. My staff makes them and it annoys the shit out of me but I've improved in that area. I realize they will make them. Me though...not acceptable.

I will work 70 hour weeks if I have to...if it means no mistakes. T doesn't think I can keep this up. He's right that I shouldn't be able to keep this up but somehow I am. My body is reacting severely though. I didn't go into much of that tonight. It wasn't necessary but I am researching a few things to see how I can deal with some of the symptoms.

Anyway, I bought a few Kathryn Casey novels and I am reading a book called A Descent Into Hell a true crime novel...a twisted texas murder. That'll calm me down...always does!

Chow!

December 10, 2009

I'm back on track...

with my therapy and T. Again, my issues have turned me around. I thought I was through most of this but not completely.

I hate that the one person who is there for me, and has deeply cared, is the one that I still suspect of telling me it's time to go.

I'll get over this someday, I am closer than I've been in a long time. I don't know where this came from actually.

Yesterday, I had a breakdown at work over the stress of work. I was crying and shaking and my assistant saw me like that. I couldn't control it though so what could I do? This job is going to kill me eventually.

I just want to be comatose for awhile...

December 7, 2009

ending therapy

I'll start by saying this is the WORST day I've had in a long time. Everything is just falling apart right now. A bad haircut, miserable day at work, difficulties with my son and the list goes on...

So I get to my session tonight and T brings up how he thought of me today and how "committed" I am to therapy. And how it must be a long day for me twice a week. Blah, blah and blah...I can read between the lines. Just last week we talked about this and he said there was no rush and it's my decision and now this week...this comment. He's finding new and creative ways to nudge me I guess.

First, I didn't need to hear this today and second that is the last time I'll hear this. Honestly, I don't have the kind of job I used to and can't deal with the extra mental trauma. I have enough of that going on right now.

I haven't met all of my goals but nothing is 100%...so I'll go back to weekly and then go down from there. What is it a phrase in that Led Zeppelin song..."it's time to ramble on?"

If i don't do this now it'll never happen I guess. Problem is I don't want to just get pissed off and never look back. That is how I usually handle things but if the past is any indication of the future...that is what will happen.

I have felt myself pulling away from him anyway for some reason...might as well make it happen. This is the weirdest relationship I've ever been in. Today might not be the best day to evaluate all of this but I want to write this out and read it tomorrow.

The bottom line is that I refuse to feel anymore abandonment...let someone else feel it for a change. I've got enough problems...I get to decide whether or not I feel this abandonment or rejection or whatever it is that I am feeling. Anger comes to mind at the moment.

My thought tonight is if you haven't started therapy yet...think it through before you do. Once you are in it, rely on someone, trust them etc. they are in control of you.

I didn't need this tonight and but it's a sign...now let's see if I can fall asleep tonight.

December 1, 2009

mania destroys happiness

and what is happiness anyway? I'm told it comes from "within". What exactly does that mean? and how do we achieve it? If we haven't by the time we are 40 years old, will we ever achieve it?

my moods are so in the way of any happiness. I had a major episode on Sunday night which occurred during a cleaning session of the bathroom. I went nuts and I'm not really sure why. I shouldn't have been cleaning anyway with my back the way it is. I could not rest though, I was on the high I get from time to time.

we had a great vacation but a really hard ride home. I was so out of it. My head was pounding still on sunday night but I went on a cleaning frenzy at 9:00pm.

I ended up exploding on my husband and said very bad things to him. He made the connection that over the years, when cleaning I have these episodes towards him.

He blames the cleaning but I think maybe its a manic episode. I could not control my mood at all. I threatened to burn the house down, divorce him and everything in between. This was one of my worst episodes.

I should have talked about this in therapy the other night but was so drained from it that I avoided the topic. I need to go over this tomorrow. My medicines definitely put some distance between the episodes but eventually it happens anyway.

I need to learn what triggers this crap so I can try to prevent them. The next day on Monday I was drained but felt better. I did my usual apology to my husband. This is all confusing for him and agonizing for me.

Now I can feel the downward spiral coming...thinking about how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake up.