November 27, 2009

major headache

I'm still on vacation in Florida. We leave to return home tomorrow and I have been in bed all day until now with a major headache. It won't go away...I'm ready to cry.

I did forget one of my pills last night (trileptal) but that can't be it. Maybe i don't want to go home. We have an 18 hour drive ahead of us...starting early tomorrow.

My son is having a blast down here, we all have had a good time. I hate to see it end.

Happy thanksgiving everyone

November 19, 2009

Putting out fires

All I do is put out fires at work. From minute to minute I am running somewhere. Maybe it is two meetings in one day that I found out about at the last minute. Or, a phone call that has me running out to a campus for a week long unplanned project.

We already have a plan for the whole year and it must be met. I am trying to hire someone and that process is unbelievable.

Today was my last day at work before my week long vacation and the two meetings I mentioned above really cut into what I needed to wrap up. My stress level is off the charts. I get home and a VP sent me an email asking me to re-do a document by tomorrow. I can't even access the damn file to update it. I now have to have my assistant call me tomorrow on our long car ride and tell her what to type for me.

I am a visual person. I need to see what I am writing this is awful. The document is for a Board agenda and its very important. I met my deadline and all was well until this one person looked at it. So, I can't relax now. this is just insane.

I am so overloaded that I thought I saw my exboyfriend one day on the side of the road. I turned and he was gone. My eyes are foggy, my back pain is worse and my face aches...and my body all over.

I am literally breaking down little by little...I can't sleep at night even with my seroquel...i don't want to increase the dose but I might have to.

I want to scream but can't I have no more energy for even that...

November 15, 2009

mommy guilt...

I have tons of mommy guilt. Guilt that I need to work, guilt over my promotion that takes me away from my son on weekends, guilt that I am studying for my last certification, guilt that I was not able to do this before he was born, guilt that I am often too tired to play the way he wants me to...

He's only four once and someday he will be off with his friends. I want to enjoy these years with him. Once this last part of my certification is passed, that is one less distractor from him.

I tell myself that I am doing all of this for him too. Making more money helps with his college someday, seeing a mom who is an achiever rather than the mom I had growing up...but really at the end of the day...he just wants mommy.

It's so hard to balance work, personal etc. I feel like there is never enough time in the day for anything.

My to do list is growing at work and I feel like I am sinking there. I wish I could play with my son all day and just enjoy him but that doesn't happen.

He needs me and I feel like I am not there "enough". How will this affect him later I wonder?