October 27, 2009

What is real?

I don't know what is real anymore. Are friendships between men and women real? Lasting? What makes a friendship last forever? Are they supposed to last forever?

How do I know the other person feels the same way? Should I care?

My T says relationships have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Well, I guess that is it then. They all end.

Why care about someone if it is going to end? I care deeply when I do care. Maybe too deeply. I give everything I have. I'm usually left all alone in the end...they have their wives, their lives, and can take or leave me.

I keep on giving though and trying despite the hurt. I keep hoping one day, I'll have that friendship and he won't leave.

Or will he?

October 26, 2009

After we are gone...

How often would someone think of us? A few times a day, week, month or year?

I think of my aunt helen and grandparents quite often. I tell stories about them to family and friends so they "live" on. I don't want them to be forgotten, forever.

I wonder though is this the norm? I care more than the average person I think about those who have passed on in my life.

Are we ever really reunited with our loved ones? Or is it just a dream that we have? Is there life after death? Do we know that we are dead from this life?

What do we really know about death? after all we are still living... I guess this is where faith and religion come in. I am catholic and I know what I've been taught.

Is it real though? How do we know for sure? The only way to really know is to die. Right? Wrong? Maybe?

I can feel myself slipping into depression again. It starts with thoughts like these and then...I tumble farther.

These are real questions that I have though and need them answered. But they won't ever be answered until that day that I will know for sure.

October 24, 2009


I have had an unbelievable few weeks lately. I got to fire my problem child but all sorts of other things have popped up since then. Its unreal to me how catty some women can be.

For example, just today my former boss "T" was driving in front of me as I left work. I went in for a few hours. She actually ran three red lights to get away from me. I laughed...that's right girl...run far and fast. Afraid? I hope so. You should be afterall you are trashing me to everyone you speak to.

Also today I was in former problem child's email and found that one of her friends, who used to work in our dept, found one of my pictures on line asking if I was her boss. Is she kidding me? Searching the net for my picture?

Looks like someone else needs to be scared straight. I'm telling ya, these girls are nuts...and I'm the one in therapy? Well its a good thing I am because they would all be smashed to pieces if I weren't in therapy dealing with their low class ass.

I can't help but sit here and plot revenge...the best revenge was getting rid of my problem child but apparently there are more people to set straight.

And...I will...trust me.

October 15, 2009

the reign of terror is over!

Finally my problem child employee is g.o.n.e.! Even at the last second she maintained her attitude of "I haven't done anything wrong, I am being picked on".

This is a grown woman we are talking about. She finally made a fatal mistake...falsified documents. Can't get away with that with me!

Anyway, it's been a stressful couple of days and it ended with a major stress headache but I'm feeling better now.

And, I get to hire someone too according to HR...so I'm going for it.

So on that end things are going much better but I have some things on my mind. Mostly about my weight and what I need to do there but also this feeling of disgust towards myself over the way I look and how others see me.

But for now, I'll enjoy my moment of freedom!!

October 10, 2009

my husband

I don't like him much these days. I don't like the way he is with our son at times. Tonight is a prime example. He wanted to cut some of our son's hair in the back because it was uneven.

Our son freaks uncontrollably when anyone comes near his head. All he saw was a pair of scissors in my husbands hands coming at him. It scared him. He really cried and freaked out.

My husband started yelling at him and my son cried harder. Again I ran up the stairs and my husband accused me of charging in because he's a bad father...hey I didn't say it he did...

I talked my son eventually into letting me cut his hair and it worked out. I tried to talk to my husband about how he comes off to our son but he refuses to see my point. He's perfect after all...does nothing wrong...is never wrong...must be nice...to never be wrong.

He was wrong. He comes off terribly at times and refuses to acknowledge it. Not treating my son right makes me not like him at all....

October 7, 2009

our true selves

So who do you show your true self to? Does anyone really know us? It seems for me, some close to me know various sides of me.

No one really knows "me" though. My T is pretty close to knowing all of me. But even there I hold back a little bit. Some parts are just well ugly...

I did let something out tonight about how I reacted toward this mother last weekend who raged at her daughter during a birthday party. This "mother" and I use the term loosely, was abusive verbally towards her daughter. I felt bad for this child. She sat staring...zoning out...shaking after she almost fell from a rock climbing incident and it was hard to watch.

But karma as it is...the mother ended up taking a tumble over this soda cooler that was in her way...guess she didn't see it behind her. It might have had some help in getting there but who knows right?

Abuse of children should never be tolerated. It never will be if I see it. Never. That is one side of me that can be uglier than anything. It isn't the first time this side has come out and it won't be the last time either. No regrets at all.

October 6, 2009

Pulling away from life

I feel like isolating myself again. I do not feel good at all. I'm not sick perse, I just don't feel well inside or out. I've been pulling away from life lately.

Something is definitely wrong but I can't pin point it. I told T I just might run away some day. I wasn't kidding. I have too much stress on me at work, I'm not being an involved mom or wife.

I can't keep up with anything at work or home. So what good am I doing? None. I'm always playing catch up and never actually getting caught up.

I want out. Of everything. Why can't I just be happy? Feel blessed? Enjoy my life and my son? Why? I have no idea.

Since I've been on these medicines, I've not been happy. Not once. Getting off of them is so damn hard. I feel stuck in so many ways.

Do any of us really feel well on this stuff? Really? I want to know if you do...it will give me hope.

October 2, 2009

Is bipolar genetic?

I know there is no "test" for bipolar like there is a test for diabetes.

I wonder about my dad's father. He passed a long time ago. He was an alcoholic but would disappear some times for days. He would go through what my dad called "spurts" of working 24/7 and then crashing.

He owned a masonry business. He also played minor league baseball and was a hell of a pitcher. He'd go from being somewhat quiet to intense rages. Even though my dad never acknowledges this anymore, my grandfather was extremely abusive towards his kids, most of all my dad.

My dad used to have to bail him out of jail after my grandfather was thrown in for yet another bar fight he got into. There wasn't a man alive back then that would go against my grandfather. He was brutual and in today's day, he probably would've been in prison for a long long time.

I feel intense sadness for my grandfather because he even though he was by all accounts a bad man, he suffered too. I believe he suffered from bipolar, probably type 1 not the type 2 I seem to have.

I guess it doesn't really matter but I just wonder a lot about him. He was successful, talented, and hard working. On the other hand, he was quick to anger and fight and had affairs. He medicated himself with alcohol. He never enjoyed his six kids and wife.

He didnt' see that all that he needed was right in front of him. That is sad to me.