September 30, 2009

Sadness

I feel sad today and have all day. All I could think about was what is missing in my life. Friends. All the fun and friends I used to have near me.

I usually made friends at work and there was a good size group. We always had a blast. Drinks, laughs, and fun. All I have now are memories of what used to be.

I'm 39, almost 40 and this is it? Now I don't mean that I don't love my son. I adore him and I like my husband again (giggle). But life is just different now and I'm not taking it well. My family is all in different states same with my husband's family.

It's just work, home, and back to work again with errands and chores in between.

I make friends easy enough and some of our neighbors are friends but not the close friendships I like to have.

There is just a hole in my heart for many reasons. I feel like crying for hours. Not sure it would do any good though.

I used to be someone different. I don't recognize myself anymore. I look different and I am different now. I don't like any of what I see in myself.

September 29, 2009

I hate life

I am so angry tonight. I hate my body, hate my job and well hate my life. I hate being reliant on these medicines too.

They have turned my body into something worse than what I was born with. I will never ever like my body. I hated it as a teenager and well I was very thin back then. Now? I despise it. I'm at a loss about what to do. I can't work out with my foot the way it is.

Some days I eat okay but most I don't. I'm a binge eater on top of that. I want so badly to skip all meals but I can't even skip one. I'm getting nowhere with my food issues. I've tried writing it down, tried eating less calories, tried all the pills...what now?

I have never looked this bad...never. I'm desperate and when I feel desperate I do desperate things...there is no use talking to doctors about my weight. What can they do really? Nothing.

I'm stuck in this horrid body and I can't get out. I'll never lose weight while taking this shit.

Speaking of which, I called to make an appt with a new p-doc today. I have an appointment a month from now. I'll be out of one of my medicines by then.

I want to quit all this shit and get away from relying on p-docs and pills. I never needed this my whole life...why now???

I would rather be dead than in this body...get it?

September 28, 2009

Focus please...

I could not focus tonight while in session. I must have brought up 5 topics. I feel like I'm slipping downward...and I'm terrified to go through that depressive cycle I was in a few months ago.

I can feel it though so how do I stop it now? I bring up 5 topics I guess...let me type them out so I don't forget:

1. Talked about my son and his health issues
2. Talked about my former p-doc
3. Talked about my mom, dad and mom's health
4. Talked about work and the many issues surrounding that
5. Talked about my son and him growing up

Suprisingly to me, and I think my T, when we talked near the end of the session I got chest pains. It was a discussion about sexuality I guess. Somehow we got to talking about masterbation and how a parent should normalize that for a child. I was saying that my son won't be doing those things (half joking I know he will) and then...

I felt hot, then the chest pains started...now I have a headache. It hit me on the way home. I don't feel good at all.

I guess we hit a nerve tonight.

September 27, 2009

The cycle

I like being alone probably more than most people do. So what I say. Some like being in groups all the time, some just a few friends and family. Me, I like to be alone when not with my son.

The problem lately is I feel myself becoming somewhat like my mother. She laid around all the time and didn't spend time with us. Actually, it was a good thing looking back because she was nasty and hated me anyway.

I lay around a lot but am never nasty to my son. When he needs me I jump. Even when he doesn't seem to need me, I'm there. Getting on his last nerve I suppose. Always giving him hugs and kisses. Well he's 4 so why not? Some day he will be too cool for mom so I'm eating it up now.

I don't want the cycle to continue. Sometimes I see shades of my past creeping into my parenting. When I see it I get scared and think if I really believe that I will be like my mother was to me, I'll make sure it never happens no matter what I have to do to ensure that. Even if it means leaving this life, I'll do it.

I can say with absolute certainty that this is what I am passionate about most. My son will have a different life than I had. Again no matter what...the cycle will not continue.

48 Hours Mystery...wow!

I am watching this 48 Hours Mystery show about a daughter that either participated or just watched her mother be murdered at the hands of her boyfriend.

Many of us have dabbled in drugs, been children of divorce, loved the wrong boyfriend/girlfriend, been abandoned by those who say they love us, been bullied in school, been labeled an outcast...but we do not murder anyone.

I'll never understand how kids can murder one or both of their parents. As a parent myself, I never want to imagine our son doing this to us.

All I can say is "wow"...just "wow"...

September 24, 2009

Well it's finally over

Two days without Seroquel and one day without Trileptal. It was very crazy because this p-doc would not call CVS back to get the replacement prescriptions.

I literally had to go to his office unannounced today and sit in front of him to get him to do it. He's is beyond terrible. He had the same packed office filled with patients and he was meeting with a drug rep when I got there. The nerve!! Keeping all the patients waiting while he smoozes with the drug rep.

Some other things happened too but I'm too tired to type it out. Just know that he is garbage and I am done with him.

I will call a new person tomorrow...at least I have my medicines back and even two refills on all of them except Vyvanse. They can't refill that one.

So before bed, I'll get caught up on my meds...it was so hard to get out of bed today but I managed somehow.

My husband and I made up. He felt bad and so did I for how I treated him. I told my T that it's like a different person comes out of me and takes over when I am that mad.

That's the only way I can explain it. It's not something I can control in the moment. I'm not sure why...although in front of my son I was able to pull it together...

Okay, going to check on you all now...enough about me.

September 22, 2009

More broken trust...

My husband did the ultimate to me this time. Remember my last post where I filled 90 day prescriptions and plan to find a new p-doc?

Guess what? I don't have 90 day prescriptions anymore. My husband threw away the entire bag yesterday out with the trash truck. So, I don't have any of my medicines.
That would be Trileptal, Seroquel, Vyvanse...nothing.

Just like that...nothing. It's all gone. Now I have to call the p-doc I now hate and ask him to call in another batch of 90 day prescriptions and this time, none of it will be covered by insurance.

90 days of Vyvanse and Seroquel alone will run us $1,600 because they are brand.

I said the most ugliest things to my husband tonight. How stupid he is, how careless. How dare he touch my stuff and decide to throw it away without checking. Bastard. I hate him. I threw my wedding rings somewhere in the bedroom. I asked him why he couldn't have thrown out my rings rather than my medicine. I can be the most cruel person when I get like this.

His excuse? It must've gotten caught up in another bag he was throwing away. Wow. I am dealing with a complete idiot. There is a funny twist. He is so damn cheap down to the last penny. Good for him. this will cost a fortune now. I'll laugh too as I hand him the bill.

This isn't the first insensitive thing my husband has done to me. I threw him out of our bedroom again. I hope he never comes back. That is how damn mad I am right now.

How could he do this? He sees it as a simple mistake. I see it as a deal breaker. he has put me in a terrible position. I do not ever want to see this p-doc again. Now I have to call him.

I bet this doctor won't even call in 90 day prescriptions for me which will mean that I have to see him again. I never want to do that. Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am losing it...truly losing it. I can't count on anybody anymore. Where is the common sense?

This is something I cannot forgive. How is this taking care of me...his wife? It isn't.

I told him to stay away from me until further notice. I can't even look at him. Shocked? Don't be...I become a completely different person when pushed and he pushed me.

He's regretting that now.

September 20, 2009

Trust is broken...

between my p-doc and me. Wow is all I can say. I saw him on Thursday and don't ever plan on going back. He was so inappropriate and crossed the line with me. I'll never see him again.

I've been messed up since Thursday thanks to him. I don't want to type out what happened right now. I'll just say that I've given up on psychiatry and plan to wean off all of my medicines. He did give me 90 day prescriptions so I can take my time with it.

The appointment ended with me saying "that's it, gotta go"... and off I went. I'll never look back.

Anyway, more stress at home too. My husband has come up with a house cleaning plan. I want to hire someone to clean but now the story is that he doesn't want anyone looking around in his stuff. Wrong! He doesn't want to spend the money.

My foot is still not healed. He said he'll clean until I'm healed then we can split rooms each weekend. He doesn't get it. I am not going to be Director at my job, mommy at home and house cleaner too.

The house cleaning can be done by someone other than me. It was fine to clean and I loved it before we had our son. Now what extra time I have needs to go to him not cleaning the damn house.

I swear I'm ready to move into an apartment again...he just doesn't get it. I ended up vaccuming downstairs and hurt my foot a little bit more. Vaccuming needs to be done weekly...he doesn't get that either.

So, I'm limping again. I just love the support I get at home...blah.

September 11, 2009

I'm having an orbital thought...

I keep thinking about my abandonment post and linking it with my last therapy session. Something else is happening though.

When I think about that time when I was 17 and waiting until 3:30 to call Jimmy from under the phone booth, I can actually see myself. I see what I was wearing, remembered putting makeup on my neck, can hear Melissa's voice telling me that he wanted me to call...

I've been in pain too since this memory came back. My neck and back have been hurting me. Especially my lower back. I have to get up slowly...I feel like an old woman. This all started when this memory came back. It's a bad memory with exception to Jimmy coming back.

What is going on with me? It's like an out of body experience. This goes beyond thoughts...I see myself but as I looked back then, not how I look now. This is messing with my head a little bit.

It's the first time I can remember actually seeing myself in my thoughts. It's like a live dream or something. I am not drinking anything, smoking anything other than the ocassional cigarette or two. I'm taking my meds without fail...sleeping regularly...

This all started because two sessions ago I brought up reducing sessions, as T puts it, it triggered abandonment feelings, and it must have, because the next thing I know, I have this memory that won't go away...what does this all mean?

I must be thinking too much but I can't get this thought to go away...I can't help but feel there is a reason why this memory is sticking around. I just want to reach in myself and tell my younger self (so to speak) that it's okay to let this thought go now...does any of this make any sense at all?

I'm losing it...giggle.

September 9, 2009

Thought provoking session...

So tonight I told T about the content of one of my previous posts. We talked briefly about my love for my former boyfriend Jimmy. From my point of view, its everlasting. I mean it started when we were 14 and the feelings are still there and we turn 40 this year.

anyway, he said that not all of my feelings are about Jimmy that they are about me too. My capacity to love is what he referred to. I haven't figured this out yet...usually takes me a few days to process most of what we talk about.

I do know that my feelings from Jimmy have bordered on the obsessive. More so when we were younger. I see some of why that probably occurred.

I'm just not sure yet how my feelings for him, I guess all these years, have been about me too...I'll take any help I can get figuring this out :)

September 8, 2009

Comfortably Numb...

This is my message for today.


Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

September 7, 2009

bored of being bored

I am feeling intense boredom if that makes sense. Probably because I have laid around for the last three days. My foot is still trying to heal and that isn't going well.

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I hate my job. Except for my son, I hate my life. Is this any way to live? Hell no.

Can boredom kill a person? It certainly feels as if it can and some days, I wish it would.

Little lessons

My son is learning to ride his bike without training wheels. It's hard to watch him struggle, be scared and fall to the ground. I keep telling him to get back up, kiss his boo-boo and we try again.

Little does my son know that this is what life is like. We are thrown out into the world without training wheels. We fall, get back up, and if we are lucky, someone is there to kiss our boo-boos too. If we are lucky...

Anyway, I guess I could try and learn something from my son. He gets back on the bike and tries over and over...I see him watching his friend just waiting for the moment that he "gets it" and can ride along side his friend. It's very cute to watch.

Often, when I fall, I just want to stay on the ground anymore. I mean in life not on a bike. I never used to be this way though. I was like my son and would get up and try again.

My dad says I had no fear at that age...I guess things change as we get older?

September 4, 2009

Abandonment

It's a word I learned only during my therapy process. I had to learn the word the hard way, by feeling it. Even three and a half years later, it is still here rearing it's ugly head every now and then.

My T and I have been through quite a bit because of my abandonment issues. What triggered it could be anything from him going on vacation to him seeming emotionally distant towards me in session. I absolutely hate that I even have this issue. But it's here and although it isn't as open of a wound as it once was, it is still here.

When this button gets triggered in me, I go through such pain and it turns into anger which if I get angry enough, I just bolt from the person or persons. Believe it or not, my bolting is easier to deal with, in the short term.

Then what happens is much worse. That person never leaves my mind. He is stuck there forever. It's still happening with this former boyfriend of mine that I am still in touch with. I eventually ran from him and for ten years straight, every morning, noon and night, there he was in my mind.

Some of that has changed since we started talking again. We've both healed some but the pull is still there. I thought about last night's session, T and I talking about me reducing sessions around the first of the year and then next thing I knew, Jimmy entered my head.

I remembered how we began at 14 yrs of age and then how we got back together senior year of high school. I remembered what my life was like in between those years. Years of abuse by another boyfriend that all came to a screeching halt once I heard that Jimmy wanted me to call him. I remember the day so vividly.

I was putting makeup on my neck in the bathroom at school. Covering up some bruising that my current boyfriend did to me. This girl Melissa came up behind me and she startled me. I kind of yelled at her and am so glad she didn't run from me.

She said do you remember Jim H? I remembering this numbing feeling coming over me and said yes, I do. She then said he asked me to give you his number, he's wanted to call you for a long time. She said he would be home by 3:30 any day of the week that I called.

I went to class but couldn't concentrate at all. I watched the clock obsessively. Once 3:00 hit, I ran so fast to the nearest phone booth in school. I sat near the phone just waiting for 3:30 to come.

I dialed, he answered and I said Jimmy is that you? He said yes, it's me sunshine. I was at that time, and still am, the only person who calls him Jimmy, he knew it was me.

I burst into tears and asked him what took him so long. He didn't know then what my tears were about. the years of abuse after he moved away when we dated at 14.

He told me that day, that he was never going away again. We're one person, soul mates. It took me some time to break away from Michael. That is a very long story that I can't stomach right now. Maybe a future post.

Once Jimmy and I finalized our relationship, we had two good years and then some pretty serious problems.

In short, Jimmy and I both suffer from abandonment issues. We just can't let go. One pulls away, the other wants back in. It's a cycle and one that I did run from over ten years ago.

We're not having an affair, in fact, I have seen him back home a few times. We both know we can't go there with each other. It's the point of no return. In that way, we've grown up.

So I had an emotional morning today and cried all the way to work.

Abandonment...it's an ugly feeling and word.

September 1, 2009

Tired of being tired

I just can't wake up in the morning. I sleep okay at night but this Seroquel just keeps me sleeping.

Every morning I wake up late...stopping the medication doesn't seem to be an option. What to do? I've tried to go off this medicine before but the withdrawal was too much.

Oh well...there is other stuff going on with me right now but I'm not sure I can type it out. Something has been really eating at me for awhile and I need to talk about it but can't. I feel like I'm in a private hell. I can journal about it but then worry about it some day being seen by someone.

In fact, I want to throw all my journals away. The last thing I want to do is die someday and have these journals read by anyone other than me.

I'm having weird thoughts today...weird thoughts.