August 29, 2009

Pleasure and pain...

Well we took our son to the carnival near our neighborhood last night. We had a fun time. He was adorable with his neighbor buddies (all of them around 4 years old) going on all of the kiddie rides. That was the pleasure and now my foot really hurts more than it did.

Lucky for me my friend had some left over vicodin tablets. They are helping. The podiatrist had made this foot pad thing for me and I have been wearing it faithfully but last night was a lot of walking around in shoes that are just not comfortable.

My right leg swelled up too. Not a good sign. All this and I almost got into a fight last night too. It's a long story but it was this woman bitching that our kids had cut in front of her (in the kiddie ride line). We didn't even know if she had paid or not because the ticket taker originally denied her child's armband saying she needed to go back to the ticket booth. She had loose tickets though so she stayed.

How petty some people can be. It doesn't take much for me though to go off... She pointed to my son and his little friends and said "bet you people aren't used to manners"...WHAT THE F???? I went off on her, my neighbor held me back and some other people got involved and told her off too. I won't type here what I said because it's well...pretty bad.

Finally we said to the ticket taker to please let this "princess" go ahead of us so she can get on the kiddie ride before all the kids...she gladly went and still kept chirping at us. I'm telling ya it wasn't going to be pretty but then I saw my son and how cute he was on the ride and just dropped it. It was so hard to drop it though.

I wanted to drop her. Drop her on her head...My husband and his friend were only gone for a few rides and then this happened. Oh well.

T and I have talked lately about my anger and how I can go from zero to 60 fast. Something is going to happen one of these times. My anger escalates just a little bit more each time a situation occurs.

I'm not sure what is making me angrier these days but something is. Its been a few weeks and I just feel edgy and on the brink of something. I'm not sure how else to explain it.

This last time, I didn't do anything. Neither did my son and his friends. I'm not looking for it but when the situation presents, I go off.

Ever feel like you want to move to a remote location like Montana or something and just want to leave this life behind? I do all the time lately.

August 24, 2009

Why am I obsessed about....

watching law and order, forensic files, 48 hour mystery, cold case files, the crime and investigation network, snapped, city confidential, Dateline...any show about murder and mystery!!

Am I alone here? My husband thinks I'm either weird or planning his demise...ha! I'm most likely just weird. I can't help what peaks my interest. After all, I do have about six years of fraud investigation experience so part of it is just my nature.

I've always been a curious person. What makes people tick? What makes people do the crazy things I see in these shows?

Part of my fascination with watching this stuff is it gets my mind off of my problems. I get to "think" about something else for's my escape.

I love to escape from the realities of this life. I just wish the escape could be permanent.

August 21, 2009

It's always something

Well I now why I have been limping for a few weeks. I thought maybe I had a bunion or something on my foot but found out I have a stress fracture of the sesamoid bone.

Who knew there was such a bone, I didn't. The doctor made me a make shift cast sort of that I can take off while showering. I am trying to figure out what kind of shoe I will be able to wear while I were this pad. I just don't know what will fit!

I should have seen this doctor sooner. He said that if this bone fractures more severely it could result in surgery. A fracture of this type of bone doesn't heal...ever.

So here I am laying in bed...probably all weekend. I have to ice it 20 minutes 3/4 times per day. That part doesn't appeal to me but neither does surgery.

Of course it has to be my right foot too. the one we all need to drive...oh well like I said it's always something...

August 20, 2009

My p-doc day...sort of

I like him I really do but guess what he did to me today?

I went for my 11:30 appointment and guess what? He wasn't there! He apparently never intended to be there but the office let me make an appointment. I even called this morning to confirm my time and then said "yep you are 11:30" so I went.

Now, last time I was there, it was the usual two hour wait and he took someone in ahead of me. I somewhat blasted him but then he told me how worried about me he was and I quickly melted. I'm easy to please...

Anyway, it worked out today I got him on his cell phone and asked if he could call in my prescriptions so I didn't go through immediate withdrawal.

I literally was down to just a few pills of trileptal and one of seroquel. He agreed, was nice and then said this "if anyone else is in the office, can you tell them I won't be there today?"

WTF?? I didn't say that but wow. He's lucky I like him. He is a sweet man so all is forgiven. He said he told the office to re-schedule everyone but apparently they didn't.

He was in california seeing his son off to college...if he hadn't called in my prescriptions...not sure what I would've done.

August 19, 2009

The switch in my head...

went off tonight while in session with T. It's a good thing the session was nearing the end when it happened. I was boiling over and it was only going to get worse.

I noticed somethiing tonight. Today was rainy and muggy, prime for headaches for me. I went in to session with a headache and not in a good mood. When a few factors hit me at the same time, that is when the switch goes off. This time, it was about some girl at work but in the past it has been about other stuff.

So what is the "switch" well I like to say it is when the other me comes out. The one who was out quite a bit when I was a teenager. The one my high school principal said would be in jail some day.

I'm not sure I blame him for that comment anymore, after all, he got to see the other me first hand. The fights in school with the other girls, the look of death I would give to him or others in authority who I felt abused by. I cleared off the top of his desk with one swoop of my hand...okay it wasn't that big of a desk!

For a time, certain girls would turn around and walk away when they saw me coming.

I remember once when I was working at this one place, this woman had said some stuff behind my back and I found out and confronted her. She said I gave her the look of death and scared her. I smiled. Seems out of place doesn't it? A smile when someone says they fear me?

It's not that I don't fear anything or anyone, of course, I have. Certain men in my life have certainly scared me. I know fear, so why don't I feel anything towards some who fear me? Well, let me say that if it was someone I cared about, I would feel awful that he or she feared me. I guess I am referring to strangers or those I am not close to. But they are still human aren't they? Sure...but I feel nothing.

I am on the brink of some deeper meaning to all of this...I just can't figure out tonight with my headache...maybe when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be myself again.

I wonder what T is thinking about this session...he probably isn't shocked...perhaps he knew all this would come out eventually. I know now trust has been established between him and I. Or I wouldn't have felt comfortable to voice some of the feelings i did tonight.

My head hurts too much...good night!

August 18, 2009

Weight Gain and Psychiatric Drugs

Well, I feel stable but I'm fat so how is this helping me? Body image is a huge issue for me. When I started therapy I was fat, then lost a good amount of weight and now ever since the mood stablizer/anti psychotic class of drugs, here I am fat and really hating my body even more than I did before. I never thought it was possible to hate my body even more but it is.

So what are we to do? Feel mentally unstable but be thinner? This just isn't fair at all. It's a cruel joke and I'm not laughing.

I started exercising and then my right foot started hurting so I can't now. I don't think it would help anyway. This weight gain is here to stay thanks to these drugs.

has anyone successfully lost weight while taking these drugs? I'd love to hear from you before I jump from the nearest building...I'm only half kidding about that too.

What does the psychiatric community suggest here? I'd love to know!

August 15, 2009

Being Grateful

Why can't I just be grateful for what I have? I read my last post and all I see is anger, regret and not the person I really am down inside.

My husband was still wrong, he never sees it, but so what? I can't change him, just myself. My son is the most important person in my life. I want so much to give him a good life. I don't want him in therapy some day working through baggage like I do. I don't want him on powerful prescription drugs that he can't get off of.

I need a damn rehab to get off of these drugs. I didn't need them my whole life. Why now? I know part of my mood swings are because of these drugs. I take them regularly now and have for a while but still, I don't feel normal on them.

I want more for my son than this life that I have. I'm not really living life. I go to work for my son, I wake up every day for my son. None of it is for me. I couldn't care less about my life. Isn't that sad?

I know it is sad. Life is meant to be lived and lived as good as we can. But I find it very difficult to do that. Between my hatred for my job and my marriage in the state it is in half the time, why would life be worth living for me? I can't change either of those situations at the moment.

Well, I can change jobs in fact I am keeping my eye out. But I'm not sure I'd find one right now at the salary I get now.

So can I find a way to just be grateful for all that I have? Including my job and marriage? I'll try to focus on being grateful this week and see how I feel.

August 13, 2009

I am so damn angry

At my husband. I can't get through to him. He constantly pushes my buttons. No matter how many times I tell him we cannot argue in front of our son, he does it anyway. Well what he does is pushes my buttons so I yell at him. Tonight my son told me to "shush up"...

My husband didn't say one damn word either. I had to tell our son not to talk to me that way. But what he sees is me freak out after daddy dearest pushes my buttons. I have had it.

It all started when my husband assumed I would take our son to swim practice on friday. I don't have my truck back yet from the shop and I have a few appointments tomorrow. He didn't ask me he told me that he thought I would take him.

He knows how much this pisses me off when he assumes anything. I have a full day tomorrow and no idea when my truck will be ready. I am on vacation this week and am supposed to be enjoying it but it has been disastrous.

Nothing has gone right this week. I am now dealing with pain in my right hip and leg from a fall last night. I still have things to do tomorrow and my husband tries to add to it.

Why be married? Why be in a relationship at all? the more I get to know people the more I want to isolate myself. If I could run away I would.

Nothing is helping me anymore. I spend my life now being drugged just to function, I hate my job, and hate my life. I don't know how I got here but I want out.

It's time to make some drastic decisions.

August 11, 2009

I'm on vacation finally!

Today was an interesting day sort of. Started out doing absolutely nothing and ended it with a hot stone massage! I've had better but it was nice to finally have one again.

I'm learning that sitting around with time on my hands can work against me a little bit. My mind starts to wander and this is where I can get into trouble sometimes...

Anyway, not much on the agenda for tomorrow except my session. I need to get my truck worked on in the morning and maybe I'll find something fun to do later on.

So the question of the week is "is it best not to be home with plenty of time to think"? Am I the only one with this question in mind? I tend to obsess about what I've done wrong at work or how parts of my marriage are not satisfying...

Maybe working all the time isn't such a bad thing...then I can forget everything I don't want to face.

August 7, 2009

Boiling over...

I am ready to scream!! I've had the worst week. A conference that made me feel like an outcast, an argument with my problem child employee, a 2 1/2 hour meeting today, I need to give a presentation tomorrow at 8am for work and a huge meeting on Monday that I am not ready for.

I can feel my anxiety just boiling over. It's always something damn it. Then I come home and find that my son has a huge bump on his head. He fell at school apparently another kid pushed him. On his head! He has epilepsy and I am sensitive about his head. As any mother would be anyway.

To top it off my boss has not approved my vacation for next week. What? Does he think I am made of steel or something? I haven't taken a couple days off in almost a year. Other than a few sick days.

I'm ready to boil over much can one person take? Well, at least my medicine combination has leveled out. I don't feel so medicated anymore on the Seroquel.

I started looking for a new job the other day...I found a few things but now I need the time to actually pursue them. I need to find a way to go on vacation next week. Good lord whose boss does not approve a vacation that I have plenty of time to take????

August 1, 2009

Latest pictures of my mother

My mom has stage 4 cancer and she sent some pictures today of her. I just saw them and wow, I wasn't expecting the dramatic change in her appearance. She sent some pictures before and I didn't look at them but this time I did.

Her best friend Edna came to visit her for a week in Florida. So I wanted to see Edna and mom was next to her in the picture. I guess I just didn't want to see her reality. I tend to back off from any harsh reality and have been doing this when it comes to my mom.

We have a weird relationship. It isn't close but it isn't non-existent either. There is a long history between she and I and most of it isn't pretty. She's different now in a lot of ways but I haven't been able to just let it go and try and be close. Judging from the pictures, time is getting near for her I think.

I am taking some vacation time but it is to do nothing, get some sleep and get some things done that I haven't been able to get done.

We are planning to see my mom in Florida for thanksgiving...all three of us plan to go but the airfare is astronomical. It could be her last holiday though so we'll go.

I can't type much more, I burned my hand earlier today and I need more is always something. More later