July 26, 2009

Back injury...

Who knew picking up my four year old would strain a muscle in my back? Apparently, I am naive...this happened a few hours before our flight back from chicago today.

Talk about pain! I have to try and sleep propped up won't this be fun tonight. These bengay pain patches seem to work a little bit along with Aleve. What I really need is another day off but no dice. I must be back to work this week to get this monster project over with.

I burst into tears after this happened today. It's always something. My husband and I had just committed to losing weight together which means working out and eating right and now this happens. I can try and eat right but honestly working out is all that will truly work for me. Now that is out for who knows how long.

I have never felt this kind of pain and I know part of it is because I am overweight. My body feels like is breaking down and I know this is part of what happened. I've picked up my son quite a bit and never had a problem. Being overweight causes so many problems. I'm out of breath. I can't even clean the house the way I'm used to cleaning it. My body aches all over half way through.

Anyway, my husband thinks my back was vulnerable because of all the dancing we did at his parents 40th wedding anniversay saturday night. He's probably right. I couldn't dance the way I used to that is for sure. I could feel my weight just bringing me down all night long. The video looks god awful of me. I refuse to watch it. I don't want any pictures of me printed either. then today, I pick up my son and wham...I could feel the strain as it happened and I went down to the ground.

I'd ask why this stuff always happens to me but why bother...it won't change anything. So once again, my emotional state is on it's way downtown...I should be used to it by now.

July 22, 2009

No T for ten days :(

He's on vacation for ten days...I know...he deserves a vacation :) It still won't be easy I have been going twice a week for quite a while. Of course, with healthcare reform looming, I betcha that won't be happening anymore. I hope I don't regret my vote for Obama!

Anyway, at my last session earlier this week, T was pushing me a little bit. A somewhat common ocurrence when he is about to take off for a week or so. Not sure if he realizes that but I know it.

We were talking about my relating to this new higher up at work. She said some things that made me pause and I was trying to explain it to T. He pointed out that I have some insecurities (no really?) and therefore, read more into her discussion with me than she probably intended.

I am the master of feeling those hidden indirect messages but she probably wasn't doing that with me. He's right there...I'm not sure why I was afraid to hear much from him this week after all that is what I am going there for...I guess I just get nervous because some of his vacations have not been good for me. We go too deep and I go off the deep end for over a week.

So, I was trying to control the session...me a control freak? never! I heard him though and I'm thinking it through. He doesn't validate my believing in these hidden messages...maybe because they aren't really there? His message to me was assume her highest motive.

I can do that with him after three years of therapy...how do I do this with new people in my life??? That is the million dollar question. I tend to make people keep proving themselves to me over and over again...not good eh?

July 21, 2009

Still sick and stressed...

I have been dragging myself out of bed, to work, to doctor appointments and I'm leaving Thursday and still sick! I feel so run down it's crazy.

My son and husband and there and have been since Saturday. I miss them especially my baby!! I talk to him several times a day and he sounds so happy which is good. I wish I was experiencing his day with him. He went on a train to downtown today and to the Sears Tower to sit on the glass balcony.

He was so excited to tell me about it and he sang me a song too. I miss my baby that is for sure. I had the worst day at work today and almost lost it but I had another doctor appt so I had to gather myself up and get there.

I'm so afraid of failure at work that every time something comes up that makes me the least bit uncomfortable...I want to quit. Making me realize over and over that working is just not for me or at least in a high level position...

I try to get out of this negative cycle by recalling past conversations about all of this with my T or my husband etc. It helps a bit but something has changed in me.

I used to be gunho about studying for this one certification I have left and reading up on industry news etc. I can't even look at any of it anymore without feeling sick. Isn't that weird?

I'm not into it anymore this job has killed my ambition. It's all the pressure to succeed, to make it through one more day. Pressure and bipolar??? That seems like a good topic to banter around with...

Will I ever be normal enough to handle pressure???

July 17, 2009

Sick...

I've been sick since Wednesday night. My throat is on fire and I still have work to do. I took this morning off but have back to back meetings this afternoon. I hate that I can't just take a day and rest.

My family leaves tomorrow for Chicago and I join them later in the week. It will be lonely without them. I hate especially when my son is gone. He's my angel and I worry about him being away from me. Like if I'm not there something bad will happen to him.

Flying these days seems like a terrible option with all the crashes etc. I hate flying anymore and hate that they are flying without me. I wish I could go now too but this damn project I'm working on takes precedent.

All I want to do is sleep today as sick as I feel....wish I could.

July 12, 2009

obsession

has anyone seen this tv show? I saw a few episodes. Its about patients with OCD and they work with exposure therapists to overcome their compulsions. Patients are put in situations where they have to face their anxiety and not do whatever their compulsion is.

On a smaller scale I feel like I did this today. I was starting to slip into depression again, I could feel it. My husband said he and our son we're going to the YMCA we just joined a month ago.

I wanted so badly to stay in bed where I was and just sleep. I was watching this show and thought I should just get up and join them and see if I felt better. I did feel better. I was moody at first but once we got to the Y and went into the pool, I did feel better. I used to swim all the time when I was younger. My parents had us join the local pool and we spent summers swimming and had a great time.

Going to the Y brings back some of those memories. It was nice to throw our son back and forth in the pool listening to him say "do it again" or "lets do the turtle" and he'd hop on our backs and swim back and forth. Once I got home I showered then went over to my neighbor's house she just had a baby girl. I spent about an hour there before I brought her son back to our house to play with our son. They are close friends...

None of this would have happened if I hadn't gotten out of bed. Every day is still a struggle but I am trying harder to force myself to not just lay around. I hope I can continue to pull myself together when I need to.

Of course, thinking about going back to work tomorrow I can feel some anxiety building up. I hate this job especially after Friday and an incident that happened but I will get up tomorrow and go back.

Once this project is done that I am working on I need to put my resume together but I'll think about that later when I can do something about it.

I'm taking on day at a time...it's all I can do right now.

July 8, 2009

Laughing fit...

Today was so crazy all I could do was laugh. I go through periods of what I call laughing fits. I get so overwhelmed and either contemplate suicide or go into these laughing spells. I can't stop and I must look silly.

I had three bad meetings today and one of them made me miss my session with T. This manager was yelling at me and my auditor over some audit findings and the lady was truly crazy. I felt bad because she shakes I don't know if it is parkinson's or what but she had this shrilly scream and it was unbelievable how she tried to blame us for everything wrong with her world.

Anyway, I was so undone that I couldn't stop laughing with my employee over how this woman was coming down on us (it was unfounded totally) and I couldn't stop. the more my auditor laughed at me the worse I got. My stomach was hurting!

I'm all extremes I swear with laughing, crying, wanting to die etc. Last night I was so angry and couldn't fall asleep, I woke up in a really bad mood and the day just got out of hand and then the laughing spell...

While laughing my makeup totally filled my eyes and my eyes were burning, I had to grab my makeup remover and practically dump it into both eyes...my auditor and I just laughed the whole time...crazy.

I wish I could say that well at least I was laughing but this type of laughing doesn't seem normal to me. I really had to work hard not to break out laughing in this meeting late today...I almost couldn't control myself and for sure this woman would have kicked us out.

Maybe I'm over analyzing who knows. At least I didn't want to jump from the nearest bridge.

July 5, 2009

Something's up

I've been sitting here today thinking something bad is going to happen. I don't know if it is to me, about me or someone close to me.

All day off and on I have felt this darkness. I'm not depressed much today, it's a different feeling. I don't know if it means anything, I hope not.

I've been jumpy when the phone rings, too much noise, easily startled...on edge but not panicky like before. I'm not sure what is up.

My mom isn't well...could be her or it could be nothing. I'm hoping it is nothing.

July 2, 2009

For MJ

I'm watching your 30th anniversary special. I had watched it back when it came on for the first time. I'm not sure why this had to happen but here we are without you and your music. There will never be another you.

I'm having a delayed reaction to all of this. It takes time for me to process tragic events and for me, I consider your passing tragic. The same thing happened on 9/11, it took me a few days and then when the shock wore off the deep sadness struck me as I lost a friend that day. I'm having similar feelings now.

I know you're in a better place and someday we'll meet unless I'm turned away at the gate...