June 30, 2009

Relief at last!

Finally, some light at the end of the tunnel. could my depression finally be lifting? I hope so!

T had a great idea last night to taper back on the Vyvanse so I took 30mg twice today rather than 70mg at once. I also didn't drink coffee I had green tea and honestly I feel a ton better today.

I'll probably go back a little further on the Vyvanse but slowly. Apparently stimulant medications cause problems for bipolars. My p-doc mentioned it early on but prescribed 100mg in total daily. I myself got rid of the afternoon dose and that is when I started to realize Vyvanse might be part of the problem.

I'm confused a little bit because for the past three years ADD has been part of my diagnosis but T says although I have some symptoms of ADD, I'm more bipolar.

I guess they are on the same spectrum and it's hard to tell. Medications can certainly bring this to light. I just wish it would've been sooner but at least I know now.

Coffee has played a major role by piling on more stimulation on top of the Vyvanse. So, I'm switching to tea from now on. I definitely feel like I'm on an upswing but need to be careful not to be overconfident...I'm trying to sense the hypomania phase since I get into trouble when that starts.

The Trileptal is working at 750mg daily and 50mg of Seroquel. The weight gain is hard to deal with but maybe now I have the energy to start my exercise program. I've been eating better so I am slowly making some changes.

I hope the depression is behind me for a long time, god that was awful how long that went on. I can see it in my blog entries.

Also last night I asked my Aunt H, who passed when I was a child, to help me and look over me. She has helped me in the past when I really needed her so maybe she is part of the reason I'm on an upswing too.

Who cares what the reason is I just want it to LAST!

June 27, 2009


other than a baby shower I had to attend today and dinner with my husband and son, I've been in this bed. I'll be here tomorrow too. I can barely move.

I stopped taking Seroquel for now and even vyvanse. Just taking trileptal and my sleeping pills. Honestly, I don't want to wake up tomorrow. It just means there is a Monday and back to that hell hole of a job.

Is there a way out of this mess? My head, body and soul are gone, there is a just a shell left now. I told my husband I don't think I can go back to work. Lets just sell the damn house, get used cars and live simple.

He didn't like that conversation and said he didn't go to college to live in an apartment. I'm just bringing him down at this point. He should have married someone else.

Happy six year wedding anniversary to us...I just want to isolate myself from the world. I'm letting everyone down and I can't get back up. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I've never been as bad off as I am right now. I'm about to let my son down too if I can't go back to work. I have no energy to even look for a new job. Nothing. Barely enough energy to type here.

That's all I have today. Back to bed. Hope you all are doing better than me.

June 24, 2009

Tomorrow is the day from hell...

I have court in the morning and a mandatory meeting later in the day. My boss approved my day off and then scheduled this damn meeting.

I have been dreading it for two weeks. Two mandatory activities that might just collide if the tide isn't on my side. The tide is rarely on my side these days.

Neither of the activities are changeable. If I have to leave court before I get my chance at deferred adjudication (traffic ticket) then my record is ruined and I'm not sure if I can really leave court once I start it.

At least I took a shower tonight so I don't have to get ready much in the morning. I absolutely hate being overbooked. The stress is incredible. Life is too fast for me anymore I don't have the energy to get out of bed let alone do what I have to do tomorrow.

It's always something anymore. Traffic tickets, accidents, work shit, obligations like baby showers etc. Can't I just sit home alone and do nothing? This is how melt downs start with me.

I had a good session with T tonight. He makes me laugh and I needed that tonight. Of course he also got me to somehow commit to one hour on the treadmill three times a week. I was complaining about my weight and how I used to be hot. So, we have a plan for me to get on the treadmill. Of course, smoking like I do is a problem. Maybe this is what I need to finally quit. I know smoking is really zapping my energy along with my weight.

I'm just not taking care of myself and I haven't for a long time. I lost my way somewhere along the line. Question is can I start over and stick to it? That remains to be seen...

If and this is a big if, my day tomorrow doesn't kill me, I'll get on the treadmill...

June 21, 2009

fake it til you make it

I've heard this phrase a lot. Does saying this to ourselves really help? I've been faking it for years and often don't feel any closer to "making it".

I don't want to be a downer for those this works for. It just seems that this idea that all of us can be helped by thinking positive thoughts puts more pressure on those of us who can't.

In my case, can't doesn't mean won't. I would truly love it if I could just think positive and the pain would go away.

I was just reading a couple articles about this concept and I'm more depressed because I can't live up to some of what I read. I hope that many people can be helped by changing thought patterns when they really need it. It just doesn't work for me. I have tried many times. I have found that music helps or taking a drive but the thoughts continue to cycle no matter what I'm doing.

It just has to run its course for me. Also what helps me is watching lifetime movies that are depressing like today on father's day almost every movie has been depressing and about murder or mayham it's actually lifting my mood.

I'm weird I know. You would think that the opposite would happen it would sink me further. My husband is shaking his head at me right now. He says he's depressed watching this depressing movie but I'm feeling better...whatever works I guess :)

Music therapy...

I am finally listening to my own music on this blog. I put it there for anyone who might like it. I also put it on my blog to inspire me, or bring me out of intense depression.

I haven't been taking advantage of it until today. I'm not sure why but at least I am finally listening to it now.

I especially like Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow...there is just something about this song. From the beat to the words, I can relate to it.

But then there are the silly songs from the 80's and prior to the 80's that are still enjoyable to me. Footloose, freebird...etc

Maybe I am coming out of my depression finally. Perhaps the new higher dose is working some. I feel somewhat normal today!

June 20, 2009

zoning out...

I've lost a lot of time today just sitting around zoning out. Is this a common bipolar type thing to do?? I don't see it listed in any of the common symptoms.

My son asked me what I was looking at...he's four and is noticing more than I'd like him to notice. His words are what startled me out of it. I don't know how long I was sitting there like that and I don't remember what I was doing before it happened. What if he had gotten hurt? Luckily he was playing on the floor in my room when he asked me what I was looking at.

My husband needed to get out today and tonight so he isn't here. I don't want to watch my son alone until I understand more about what is happening to me. I've been napping on and off and it's hard for me to move out of a position that I'm in.

I'm breaking apart literally...

June 19, 2009

A year ago...

I was better off a year ago. I wasn't as depressed, I wasn't as fat, my hair looked better, my job was better (we didn't have a boss pretty cool), I wasn't having major medicine issues like now, I could smile, laugh, joke around like my normal self.

Now I see myself and I hate what I see. I need to quit smoking next. I don't drink, not that I had a problem with it. Smoking is probably zapping a lot of energy. I haven't kept up with doctor appointments except T and p-doc. I haven't managed to take any of the vitamins I am supposed to take or keep up with the blood work.

I make doctor appts then either forget them or cancel last minute. I just go to what I really need. Although, I need the others too but they aren't related to mental health.

I've had several car accidents, just finished defensive driving and spent my lunch hour today mailing everything off. Certified mail. What do you bet somehow that gets screwed up. I go to court this week for another ticket.

Our car insurance has doubled but I'm not shopping anymore. I don't have the desire or energy. I used to care about makeup and hair...not anymore.

I am definitely worse off this year than last. Where did it all go wrong? the job for starters...meds? marriage? I have no desire for sex of any kind or even affection.

I just want to be left alone. How long can I live this way? I need to work this weekend my husband says not to. It's hot as hell where we live, it's smothering.

I didn't take the afternoon dose of vyvanse and I don't feel as panicky. I wish I would have figured this out before I spent an additional $150 on a 90 day supply.

I know how I want to feel but it's just out of reach right now. Out of reach.

When will my mood change?

I want out of this depressive cycle that I am in. How long can it continue really? How long can I continue in this way? It feels like it will never end. How does one become happy in spite of what goes wrong in our lives?

This is crazy...maybe the problem is I haven't had a martini in months...might be something to that eh? I was happier when I drank seriously.

They say not to drink and take the drugs that we do...but what if we do? Ha! It might be the cure we're all looking for.

June 18, 2009

More med changes

Okay the latest cocktail. Increased Trileptal to 750mg, 50mg of Seroquel short acting and my normal 100mg of Vyvanse. I think the extra 30mg of Vyvanse might be part of my problem. I noticed today that I was feeling okay until after taking the afternoon dose.

I need the concentration though so not sure what to do there. P-doc said to quit my job for the second time in a row. Not a bad idea necessarily. I just don't see that working right now.

I'm stuck, stuck, stuck. Story of my life in many ways.

June 17, 2009

Downward spiral

I saw T tonight and was definitely not at my best. He seemed frazzled at the end but can't say I blame him. When I'm feeling hopeless and useless it's hard to hide it. Usually I can mask it a little bit so I'm at least open to possibilities. Not tonight. I couldn't even manage a half smile.

Part of me screams to just pull myself together and another part, a more domineering part, just brings me down deeper.

I feel close to a breakdown very close. My husband says to take the weekend off and not think about work. I guess I could try that but my brain won't shut off. I have no quality of life right now...none.

All I have is pressure, deadlines, more pressure and a huge learning curve that seems insurmountable. I'm a downer on everyone and don't see a way out. The only way out is to make this all work somehow at my job.

I've only been in this new position since spring and I'm ready to throw in the towel. I won't even go into the medicine issues...again.

Everthing seems hopeless and dark...with no way out except work it out. That doesn't seem possible from where I'm sitting.

I can multi-task but can't seem to utilize any effective time management process. I want to please everyone at work so I take on more than I can handle. I'm trying to change that but now one person is mad at me. And actually most of my job is just plain old unmanageable.

My boss scheduled a mandatory meeting on a day I was supposed to be off. T blamed me for not being assertive. Politically, I know there was no being assertive with my boss. I know his MO by now.

He didn't ask me if I was available for this meeting so the decision was made. Period. End of story.

I can't quit because of the money...T mentioned disability but that will make me feel worse. So I can hope for a terminal illness right? That seems to be the only option left. That an the obvious...

June 13, 2009

How much better am I really?

After years of medicine and medicine changes? Honestly, I think back to before all this medicine and I was able to work, deal with life and survived some pretty horrible times. Med free.

Now, I am overweight, unsocial, miserable, overwhelmed, over-medicated and just plain desperate at times just to get out of bed in the morning. The thought of trying to change meds again scares me.

Might as well just deal with the cocktail I have now but for how long? It's been a few weeks and I'm not better. Not by a long shot. I almost give up.

I saw pictures of myself from just a year and a half ago and I looked more vibrant than I do now. My husband says I'm worsening and he's right. I can barely do anything but sit around the house. I used to clean constantly and can't even pick up a mop anymore.

Could be the job, could be my marriage too with our problems but I believe the meds are doing more harm than good at this point.

I'd almost rather live with the highs and lows of my moods than sitting here like a zombie hating life. So far with all my problems, I've managed to stay out of a hospital. I'm not sure I'll be saying that in the future. I just have a bad feeling about where I am headed.

I still have SI feelings all the time. It never ends...a cycle of darkness.

June 10, 2009

lost and confused

I wish I had some good news for my blog. I look at my last several posts and its the same thing over and over. It is so hard for me to navigate life these days. At every turn there is another challenge to try and overcome. When does it end? Ever? Never?

I drug myself up just to sleep anymore. It is a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm in a terrible never ending cycle. If I wasn't in therapy twice a week I'd be much much worse if that is possible. I wish I could channel T's positive outlook on life. He's happy, content and together. I'd love to be like that some day.

My entire adult life so far has been miserable. Some of my doing, some of it bad luck and the rest done to me by others. I got some troubling news today that might affect my job so now I'm trying to figure out if I leave on my own, on my own terms and wait for the anvil to drop on my head.

I just don't know how much time I have to make this decision. It's always something with me. Not even a calm before the storm, just a storm all the time.

T talked today about suffering and how we let it take us over and not enjoy life. But how? I need to think about that some more.

June 5, 2009

worst day yet

Not much to say today only that it is the worst day I've had since changing medicine. Everything sucks, life sucks and I want out. I'm hoping my seroquel knocks me out and if it doesn't, I'll take another one. I want this day OVER

June 1, 2009

I have a plan...

I'm going to play hookie on Friday. I need a day to myself to write letters, buy some cards and get in touch with those close to me and tell them how important they are. I've isolated myself for so long and much is unsaid between me, my friends and family.

Why not spend a whole day making up for it? I have this friend picture frame to mail to my friend W back home. Its been sitting in my room for months. I have seen cards at the store for other friends, I want to get them. They are musical cards and I like to match them to the personalities of my friends and family.

My son the most important person in my life. I wish he could understand me on a different level. He's only four years old. Our conversations are about his artwork at school, his neighbor buddy and his latest favorite food. I have so much I want to tell him. I thought of doing a video for him to capture this moment in time. Some day he can watch it and laugh at what mommie put together for him. We have a camera I just need to get up the courage to put something together.

So there it is, the date is set...Friday it is and it will be a good relaxing day.