May 28, 2009

Med cycle continues

Thank you everyone for your kind words and words of wisdom. I was reading here even though I didn't type back. I couldn't manage to do much but read and logoff.

I am a little more hopeful today. At least p-doc understood that Abilify is driving me insane so that was good. I was afraid he wouldn't for some reason.

Now I'm on 600mg of Trileptal, 50mg of Seroquel XR, and 100mg of Vyvanse (split between two doses daily). Seroquel definitely worked last time I was on it but the weight gain wasn't good. He said the XR version is a little better. Trileptal shouldn't have any panic or weight gain side effects.

With Seroquel I shouldn't need the Ativan anymore which is good. I am hopeful about Trileptal we talked for quite awhile about it. My husband takes Tegretol and this is the "brother" to Tegretol but is the improved version he said.

At first I was nervous he didn't have other options because he said antidepressants are out with me having bipolar. He doesn't want to go there and I can understand that. I've tried so many other medicines and had bad side effects and he finally settled on Trileptal. I like that he takes his time to think before he just suggests a medicine like my last p-doc would do. There was not a plan with her and she didn't talk much about the medicines and would just use me as a lab rat basically.

I should've left her sooner but we live and learn don't we? Anyway, I really hope this works because I've been beyond depressed with SI. I made a huge step today I actually told p-doc about the SI and I usually don't let on about that but I was that bad off so I told him.

My T is the only person I trust with SI discussions. He doesn't overreact and is not afraid of talking about it with me.

Anyway, I just hope the panic attacks are long long gone. I'll know tomorrow or in a few days I guess.

May 24, 2009

shattered mirror

That is what I feel like anymore. A shattered mirror. Everything I thought I was is gone now. I'm not a good wife, mother, sister, friend, boss, person or even patient.

Each crack in the mirror represents everything I am not. The cracks are widening and I am powerless to stop it. My depression is deeper than it has ever been. It feels like there is no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing but darkness.

Last night, I took a few Ativan to calm down and I feel like doing it again. I can't keep relying on medicine though. I'm up, down and sideways on this shit...all of it.

I know where I'm headed and I'm almost okay to be there. Every day I get closer and closer to being okay with it. I was holding my son last night and crying a little bit. Part of me wants to see him grow up, the real me. The other part says not a chance...you'll never make it.

I'm not taking care of myself, having car accidents, overeating, overstressing, smoking, panicking...at least I am not drinking. Have no desire to drink, I just want to lay here and wither away.

Is he better off with me, or without me? Now that is a loaded question.

I say without me...I can only hide my despair for so long from him. He's going on five this year...he will start to know something in mommy is fk'd up. Other moms aren't like mine is he'll say...just like I said about my mom.

I can't handle anything anymore. Nothing. I have to get off of this Abilify...I really think it is the culprit. It's only 5mg though...I don't know what to do anymore about anything.

I'm beyond anyone's help...what more can be done at this point? Try another damn medicine? what for?? It won't help, nothing has.

May 23, 2009

one mistress and no master!

I watched the movie Elizabeth last night and this phrase caught my attention. I can't wait to watch the golden age, I rented that one also. These were at the suggestion of my T.

He always has good movie recommendations and seems to know which ones will mean something to me. This is what I need to say at work..."there shall be one mistress and no masters!"...

Yeah if only it worked as easy as it does in the movie. These movies are getting my mind off work and my mom's failing health. She's in chemo and may not make it through she says. Hospice is involved in her care which isn't a good sign but then again she lives alone in another state.

Some strong emotions are starting to boil in me about her but I'm controlling them. I started to cry a little today but pulled myself together. I said out loud to myself, I don't like this woman anyway...what's my problem.

I guess bottom line she's my mother. I don't want to feel the wave of emotion that I fear I am about to. I'll do anything to stop it. That's how I am...it works for me. I'm too busy and stressed out to cry anyway.

I'd love to quit my job most hours of the day and other hours...I'm okay.

Something is seriously wrong with me. My level of panic and anxiety is outrageous. Bipolar II is the diagnosis but is there something else? Who panics the way I do about just everything????

I want to be normal...whatever that is...and handle a work day like a real director and not a silouette of one...is that possible damn it?

How are the rest of my blog friends doing? I'll go check out your pages right now!

May 16, 2009

What else is there to do?

About my weight issue. I just have no idea anymore. Time for exercise is null not with this job. Abilify makes me nutty and hungry. Well, actually taking 5mg consistently has helped my mood but the puffiness around my middle area just makes me absolutely miserable.

My neighbors are bugging me to get pregnant. They are all pregnant and having their second child and I laughed and said "can you see I am pregnant"...joking of course but that is how puffy I am. I could pass for a few months pregnant now.

My T would say do something about it or accept it. I don't know what I can do about it right now and I'll never accept it. So I have to find a way to do something about it.

Surgery sounds good about right now. Just take it all off!

May 12, 2009

aaaaahhhhh!

I want to scream! But I don't...I smile at work all day long and somehow pull off that I can handle myself and my work. With T last night, we talked about how I feel like a failure in my new job.

I know almost everyone has some form of work stress but add my mental health issues and well, how do I get out of bed every morning...the jury is still out on that.

This one project I am working on keeps escalating in email at work...more and more people copied on complaints back and forth about this huge issue I unearthed. I learn more and more with each email that I can't conclude on the damn report!!

I want to reply all and scream "stop the madness"...seriously...there is not enough alcohol in the world for this job. On that note, I think I'll go and enjoy some of that downstairs...ha! Anyone wanna join me?

May 10, 2009

Abilify...

I don'tknow what to do now. Even 2-5 mg of Abilify makes me feel like jumping out of my damn skin. I'm depressed and have SI and have been through so many medicines. I give up. What now?

Today my left hand started twitching too. I don't see p-doc until the 28th and here I am again left with no working medicine other than Vyvanse and Ativan. A friend in my group said to try Lithium. I'll have to do some research I don't know anything about Lithium. He said its the old "standby" but isn't sexy like the new drugs are so it doesn't get pushed like Abilify and others.

I'll suggest it to p-doc and see what he says...have to wait until the 28th though if I can. Work is a bitch right now and so is everything else in my life...aaaah!

May 7, 2009

Stress and body aches

Stress is a killer and I can feel it taking my body over. I have problems with my right leg. For a long time, I didn't have any pain and swelling and its back again.

It can only be the stress I'm under. Just touching my leg hurts. I have had two blood clots in this leg and I'm only 39. I'm back to elevating it and haven't done this in at least a year.

I'm working a lot of hours and trying to juggle so many projects. I literally don't sit down for long. Maybe that is it too. Where is the rest? Not in this new job. I know there is a settling in period. A brand new manager with all my mental health issues, a family etc.

I don't know how to handle "new" stress. Change is terrifying for me it always has been. I'm also feeling the lack of therapy this week. My T has been out and I definitely feel it...all over inside and out.

That's it for now...

May 2, 2009

where is the real me?

I haven't been able to blog about my last session with T and I wasn't sure why. I usually can but I was in such a deep depression and close to a breakdown I think I just wanted to forget it for the first few days.

He said a lot of things that didn't sink in right away. Now that I've calmed a little bit I can think. He asked where the real me was because lately I have just been this empty shell (my words).

I'm letting everything get to me and he said I was turning anger on myself. He's right. He also said when I said I was close to a breakdown that I just want to go off to the spa somewhere. I thought it was funny at the moment but actually I shouldn't have laughed that isn't how I really felt.

I'm not referring to his comment but how close I was to just checking myself in somewhere. Is it running and hiding? Perhaps but it was an honest feeling and why I brushed it off with laughter in front of him I don't know.

I guess there is a still a part of me that will not have a break down in front of him or anyone that I know anyway. There is definitely a wall I put up. It all stems from my dad. Not to blame him but christ, it's like he inserted a stone wall inside of me that comes up just at the moment it shouldn't. The moment I should let someone like T in...I shut him right out.

Could've been the spa comment, I think I wanted to laugh so I did. He has this way of making me laugh and it brings me around but is that what I should be doing...laughing when I feel like breaking down? Maybe I'm over analyzing. What is supposed to do say oh yeah everything is just as bad as I say it is so I really will go over the edge? No...

He said other things I didn't want to hear at the moment but he's right. I do feel like I'll fail in this new job, I am afraid of a lot of things and I do want to run and hide.

I am definitely one to isolate. I remember a whole year in my twenties that I shut out everyone and worked three jobs and lived alone. I didn't even date for that whole year I was 21. The very year everyone is out partying and I isolated myself.

I did see my at the time best friend/drug friend at times but that was it. In some ways, it was the best year of my life and in other ways I know there is something wrong with how long I was able to isolate like that. Even thought I had a full time job and two part time jobs, I didn't talk to anyone really, just small talk. I'm not sure what caused me to do that I guess it was a build up of problems at the time.

This new job is certainly forcing me to face all sorts of fears. I hate it. I had many year in my career with no fear so I'm not sure why this is happening now.