April 30, 2009

Medicine changes again...

I saw my p-doc today. I just love him. He understood that my Abilify was probably too high since I told him how depressed I've been. I didn't take the Abilify last night and only .5 of Ativan. I felt better this morning.

So, no more Klonopin he agreed it was causing me to be too groggy in the morning. He also said that people with ADD are notorious for car accidents. I've had six now in 2years so hey who needs testing for ADD when you can just measure us by our car accidents. ha!

At first when I walked in and said I was depressed he said I was good last time and I said that was a month ago though. He has a sense of humor and one needs that with me.

Anyway he upped my Vyvanse in the afternoon which will help. We lowered Abilify to 5mg in the morning and 2mg in the afternoon and changed to Ativan from Klonopin. I really hope this gets me out of the deep depression I have been in. I do feel better already so we'll see I guess.

He said no more Abilify at night, it was making me panicky and he said its better to feel the restless during the day than at night. He's right about that. It's a work in progress.

I still feel like isolating myself from the rest of the world...for a long long time. Sometimes the more I get to know people, especially those who say they are "friends", the more I like being alone.

Ever feel like that? I feel that way quite often.

Funny Quotes

I love finding and reading quotes it is sort of like music is to me. I think in terms of short sentences. I'm too distracted for much more than short sentences at times. Here are a few that describe my life presently:

"God put me on earth to accomplish a few things, I am so far behind, I'll never die".

"After all is said and done, more is said than done".

"There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full".

"Sorry yesterday was the deadline for all complaints".

"I don't suffer from insantiy, I enjoy every minute of it".

"I used to have a handle on life but it broke".

April 28, 2009

More and more trouble

Where to begin. Between let downs at work, another car accident just this morning and left over crap over the last car accident I'm ready to blow. My husband believes the meds I take are causing my accidents. Now 6 accidents in 2 years, most were minor like this mornings was but still something is happening to me.

Ever since taking mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics he's right, the accident trail is unbelievable. All I can say is that I'm usually groggy from either not sleeping or extremely stressed with work so its a combo affect.

What do I do? Go off all meds and see what happens? I feel unbelievably lost right now. Is my husband right and if so what do I do next? I have been angrier but that is because of work...no raise for a promotion...can't reduce my staff to get rid of the dead wood...the list goes on and on...

I was announced at work last night, recognized for the promotion...big deal...who feels like celebrating? What am I celebrating a bigger title for the same pay?????

There isn't much to celebrate anymore...life just blows for me right now and I'm ready to blow...sky high

April 21, 2009

Lost my "work" edge

I think since taking these medicines I am not the worker I used to be. We talked about this in my Bipolar group tonight. I could pull all nighter's, work two jobs, pound out a lot of work.

Now? I feel too normal, too mellow and can't work the same way. There are advantages to being Bipolar that is for sure. Maybe I should go off this stuff and see what happens?

Someone suggested I try Lithium rather than Abilify since I feel more anxious lately. Stopping at a red light annoys the shit out of me and normally doesn't.

I want my work edge back!

April 18, 2009

Family Biology

I found this cool mood tracker at moodtracker.com. I think I'll use it and then maybe I can identify what is causing some of my ups and downs (externally). I guess there is a biological part to Bipolar II...I wonder who in my family has it.

If I had to guess, I'd say my dad's dad definitely. He used to disappear for days on end (drinking binge). He had his own masonry business and was a hard worker but he drank and my dad said it would rev him up and he'd work from dawn til dusk.

My grandfather was also what they called back then a bar room brawler. He was 100% Italian and had an attitude. My dad jokes that grandpop would say "time to turn out the lights the party is over" and then he'd start knocking guys around. People were afraid of my grandpop for sure. They would not make eye contact with him and some were known to walk down different streets so not to pass his house. I'm not too proud of that fact but he came from a different time. It was a rough neighborhood and he had no fear, no fear of anything. He was in and out of jail for fights and being drunk. My dad and his brother bailed him out most weekends.

On the good side he did love his family and he was an athlete in baseball. He was a pitcher for the a minor league team and pitched against Satchel Page. He had a wife, six kids, a business and I'd say not bad for a guy who had serious mood problems.

I wish we could turn back the clock and he could have been helped by medication. He did mellow with age and all I remember was him sitting on the couch with his arms crossed across his chest, legs crossed on the coffee table, he would turn and look at me with a half smile and a slight chuckle. I guess I amused him or something.

I can't remember his voice, I don't remember if he spoke much. I sort of remember my grandmother, his wife. She was high energy always running around cleaning and yelling at everyone to pick up after themselves. You figure she had six kids and there were spouses so that is twelve plus thirteen grandchildren.

A total of 25 people in the house every Sunday!!!! I'd be yelling too (giggle).

Grandmom had three sisters and two of them had regular shock treatments for "anxiety and nervousness". That is what they said back then.

On my mom's side there is plenty of mental illness. Her parents were alcoholics like my grandfather was. I just don't know how many were actually bipolar on either side. I'm not much help there.

I just know that I am and hope my son never is. Part of me doesn't want to try for a second child I'm afraid of what I might pass on. Anyone else ever feel like that? I have too much work stress going on now anyway to think about it but I, like most any parent, don't want my children to suffer in any way like I did and still do.

I do know that my son will never suffer the emotional, physical and sexual abuse that I did. I know I can only control his family environment and I worry about the external world. I want to always shield and protect him.

He's such a happy child always running up to people and hugging them. That's not the world we live in though and I'm scared too. If someone takes my child's smile away and replaces it with pain, they will face me and there is nothing I won't do to them in retaliation. Nothing.

Sounds harsh but this is my child and I didn't bring him into this world as someone else's target. My heart breaks for other families who have suffered such a loss of a child or had to watch them go through pain. I see it on TV and just shake my head and wish I could take that pain away from them.

Well my post is turning depressing so perhaps I should go out into the sunshine for awhile...take care everyone.

April 17, 2009

Distractability

I just can't stick to doing one thing for any amount of time. I colored for a little while today, then went shopping, then my mom and son fell asleep for a few hours which was a nice break for me. I just want to go home and I'm already dreading the airport trip

I can't go out really because my mom can't watch over my son so here I am on a Friday night wishing I wasn't here. I took a Klonopin and I'm still anxious. When is Sunday again? Oh yeah two days from now. I'm bored and miserable.

That is what the internet and TV a for I guess. More later.

Visiting my mom...

So far so good. She is definitely in some pain but able to move around with my son...of course, there is no choice with a 4 year old. He's calling her Grandma and she likes that.

So far not one argument between her and I but the trip is still young. I had a hell of a time at the airport, then to the rental car place etc. I get overwhelmed easy and having my son makes it that much easier for me to get overwhelmed. I had a huge suitcase, the carseat and a back pack to carry all while holding on to him.

My husband doesn't see the stress but I feel it. I have no idea how I'll carry everything back to the airport since the airport had a luggage rack but I don't think AVIS rental car does. See, I'm panicking about Sunday already and it's Friday.

Part of me wishes I came alone but I love spending time with my son. I did not like however sleeping with him last night. Good lord!!! Rolling all over the place and on top of me and my head. I literally did not get any sleep but he did of course.

I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight...no sleep for me = more distraction, losing things, being disoriented...sleep is important for anyone but especially me.

My anxiety is rising and I'm not sure why. Maybe because of everything I have to do at work and I'm here playing on the internet. I couldn't bring my work with me because if I lose the work I'd be in big trouble so I didn't bother this time.

I just feel so anxious and on edge...restless I guess. I'm sure the reason will creep into consciousness soon...maybe just being with my mom who knows.

April 15, 2009

Loneliness

The title should have read married and lonely but even when things are going okay, I still have a loneliness inside of me, an emptiness. Almost an empty shell at times.

My husband can be critical and doesn't meet some significant needs, doesn't seem to want to either. It's a cycle we've been in for some time now. I have tried talking, crying, yelling, talking, crying, yelling...ignoring it. The emptiness and loneliness at times is too much to bear.

He's a nice guy, good father...but husband? Not so much. He's not my partner, buddy, or lover more than half the time. Trouble is once you have a child it gets tougher to leave. The thought of shattering a four year old's world weighs heavy on my mind.

So I carry on and try and forget what is missing. What else can I do right now with a new job title, huge responsibility, and other obligations. I just wander through life but for how long now that is the question.

I don't see my depression completely lifting with this unresolved situation. Have I told him how I feel...countless times...countless. It hasn't sunk in.

One therapist we saw actually said to him once "how comfortable are you with divorce"...his response and very matter of factly "no I wouldn't want that"...with no emotion in his tone. None. That is what I get every time we try and talk. No emotion, no connection, no response.

If it wasn't for my son would life be worth living?

April 12, 2009

panic attack

The stress of this upcoming week is making me panic. I lose two days of work and a weekend when I go see my mom in another state. I'm overwhelmed with work and deeply depressed. Why can't I handle life normally like normal people do??

I've been pacing all around this house today. We colored eggs with our son and I'm ready to jump out of my skin. I am trying to be a good mom, a good boss, a good worker, learn what I don't know about my new job etc. etc. etc. and also take care of my mom.

I'm losing it. Panic has set in and is taking over in me now. If I take a Klonopin I'll be a zombie but I think I'll have to break down and do just that. I've had too much caffeine today trying to keep myself focused on work...on Easter too. Smoking is not calming me down like it usually does and I have a bad cough as it is...caught a cold from my son. This just adds to my misery.

I want to run away and hide...but where?

April 11, 2009

Knowing...

I went to the movie afterall, I tell ya its an abandonment weekend. At the end of the movie the son and father are separated forever...geesh. I can't catch a break with the movies I've watched lately...no tears this time.

I'm NUMB...over and out.

Boiling over...

I'm in such a depression this weekend. Ready to burn all of my journals. I have things in here I don't want anyone reading anyway. Why keep them? I'm bored and lonely and I want to go to the movies and see Knowing.

Part of me is too depressed to go. Part of me wants to go badly. Which part will win out? I love Nicolas Cage and this movie seems interesting.

I'm going through so many emotions since last session. I am sitting here just exhausted with myself. I have no idea of T was sending me sub text messages so why have I let it affect me so much? When will I change now there's a question.

My abandonment button is in high gear for sure. I watched the movie Finding Forrester and then watched Personal Effects and that one was very depressing. Finding Forrester was touching and I loved it until the end. I cried and couldn't stop for some reason. Watching Forrester take off on his bike never to talk to Jamal again and then later find out Forrester died...it just triggered me.

I thought Personal Effects would be okay but that is about a brother whose sister was murdered and honestly by the end of both of these movies I was ready to jump.

I have suffered so many losses like the one in both these movies. Death is permanent, I've lost some truly special people who are profoundly missed by me. My friend Joan, Rob, Aunt Helen etc. It's all too much to bear. My friendship with Glenn gone. I ruined it somehow. Isn't that always the way with me.

Usually, if I feel like I might be abandoned I flee. It protects me like a cocoon. Abandon others before they abandon me. Why does it have to end like that? That is what I ask myself but I do it every time.

Therapy definitely helps by the time I wanted to abandon it, it was too late. what I mean is the relationship has been built, I allowed that to happen for the first time. I can't give up now then all of my work would have been for nothing.

I hope I feel better after typing this here. I hate my journal anymore and I'm not sure why. I flung it at our bedroom window the other day and now I'm ready to burn them...what is happening to me? Life sucks this weekend for sure.

I need to go to the movies tonight...and see Knowing. I'll go look up the movie times right now.

I want to be happy and have fun why can't I just do that? Instead I just sit here and whine.

April 9, 2009

"sub-text" in communication

I can filter out sub-text when someone is talking to me like nobody else. I find out I am wrong at times, other times I'm right.

Sub-text in communication stinks but we've all done it. When we say something to someone using a conversation about someone else rather than being direct. I struggle in therapy with sub-text quite a bit. Our T's tell us stories and such sometimes but for me I wonder...this is relevant somehow to me and depending on what the conversation is I can really boil over.

At work with my staff all I get is sub-text messages. Casual insults about my work style. Like yesterday, one of my staff said "see I like when people are organized" to another staff member. I felt like saying I like it when people actually work instead of flounder and then blame the boss for it. But I can't do that like they can.

This happened a lot yesterday and I forgot to tell T about it. This is probably why I thought he sent me a sub-text message last night. I'm on heightened alert for it.

T thinks I am better, I felt bad the last few days with all the stress I'm under at work, home and with my mom. I had a fit yesterday morning and threw half the bathroom at the wall. I'm better with my moods? How? I'm better when I see T because I feel like I can breathe finally but sometimes like last night, I come home more upset.

I started writing in my journal and then got frustrated and threw it against the glass window and could have broken it if the drapes hadn't caught the blow. My husband was like 'what the hell'...I'm just boiling over I told him and its mostly about work and my mom. Am I the only one who doesn't tell their spouse much about therapy? I find that it makes things worse and haven't done it in a long long time.

My husband tries to "make sense" out of conversations and help me but it makes me worse so I stopped telling him anything long ago. That was one of my better decisions.

I really hate that I hear sub-text messages I wish I could turn my brain off to it. But I do know this, my T isn't insulting me just sometimes maybe not so in tune to me or maybe I "appear" too well in front of him. I do that a lot to people.

My husband once said when we first met and were friends for years that "he had no idea I had so many mental health issues"...a total love and intimacy killer. But it rings true. A picture doesn't tell 1,000 words with me and I'm not going to fall apart in front of my T in 45 minutes. It's a controlled environment and I remain controlled. Isn't that odd? I can cry and have believe it me but literally fallen apart like I do later on...never. I did once on the phone to him not long ago that was something but that is his time and I made a decision not to bug him on his time. I never abused it but I feel badly for calling.

I try to handle it on my own now but I need more DBT training or something because breaking glass windows almost = not very good!

April 7, 2009

Resentment

My head is going to explode...I am so angry and resentful towards my mother. Resentful that I am the one she is applying all her pressure to. Resentful that I am flying out to see her when my work load is completely unmanageable right now.

Two days from work and she screamed at me today because I haven't been there for her. Was she there for me growing up? No!!!!!!

She was an angry, raging, lying and manipulative woman. I never had a mother, my brother never had a mother and we still don't.

T and I talked about this a little on Monday but I'm not sure he understands my resentment. He knows the story for sure but unless you live it, its not easy to comprehend.

I hear the other voice in my head telling me well mom's got cancer and I should feel something for her for that, as a human being. I can't.

To those who don't understand or shake their head at me, I say this:

It wasn't your face;
It wasn't your father that put a lock
on your bedroom door;

So, she couldn't come in and
scratch up my face so no man ever
looked at me again.

Those were her words when I was sixteen years old. I know fear, I lived it every day.
We never knew what mood she would be in when she came home from work.

Her rage and anger directed at me like a f'ing arrow. Now she relies on me? I'm the one who has to take care of her now? At my busiest time ever?

Am I selfish...probably.
Will I burn in hell for saying this?
Who cares at this point...I've seen hell thanks to her.

April 5, 2009

erotic transference...

I haven't talked to my therapist in a long time about erotic transference, I jokingly call it E.T. because I can't bring myself to say those two words out loud for some reason.

I was chatting with a friend and she asked me if I had experienced this with my therapist. Ha! I said yes ma'am...and promised her I'd blog on the subject from my perspective.

Hopefully others reading this will post too and help her out.

Mine started about few months into therapy and the strongest of feelings lasted over a year. I say strongest because on my own I push it out of my mind and just try and remember what the relationship is and is not. It helps sometimes, other times not so much. It depends on what mood I'm in I suppose like everything else.

When T and I first started talking about it, I was ready to bolt from therapy. In fact, I did bolt for 30 days. I had no idea what the feelings were about I just knew I needed to run from them. That didn't help, it made it worse for me. Poor guy, here I trust him with something so personal and then say see ya...sometimes I'll joke about "back then in therapy..." but it wasn't funny for me it was painful just trying to run from the conversation.

I was embarrased and just overwhelmed back then and have learned not to be because my T will talk about it and has helped me put it in perspective.

He says, and he is right, they are about unmet needs and not about him. I try and think about how I got to this point in my life with E.T. not just directed at him but others in my past and present. I've learned that any instant reaction to someone positive or negative without really knowing them means something else. I find they remind of someone either my dad, mom, a friend etc. My T reminds me of a friend of mine who I was very close too. We don't talk anymore but that is another blog subject and not one I feel like going into right now.

We haven't talked on this topic in therapy since the last time I let T read my journal on the subject and that was last fall. I'm not sure what else there is to say on the matter, I have my feelings under control and in perspective. I have tons of stress going on in my right now with work and other topics so I guess this one has taken a back seat.

But for you my friend, I understand where you are coming from and you are really just starting to talk about it with your T so I don't want to intrude on that conversation too much but I'll say this...

His refusing to talk about your feelings in a meaningful way is his problem and not yours. I'm not sure why he's refusing other than perhaps he's had bad experiences with other patients. You might try asking him why he's more afraid of the topic than you are. After all, he must have had patients bring the topic up before right? From what you say he's not a new therapist.

I got lucky finding a T that is secure enough in himself to talk about most anything. Believe me I've had others as we discussed that didn't talk at all. I really never clicked with anyone except a woman therapist years ago and my current one. You need someone who is comfortable in his or her own skin for this topic. Tell him you want to understand the feelings and the only way to do that is to talk to him really.

I hesitate to say more because this conversation should be between you and your therapist. You've been happy with him up until now so give it some time and try that question about why he seems more fearful than you on the topic. It might work. Trust is a two way street and how can you trust him if he won't trust you right? That is how I feel. It is something you can overcome in time but he needs to go there first so you can overcome it eventually.

I wouldn't let yourself feel this way for too long. If after talking a few more times he still refuses then you have no choice but to look for someone else. Please don't just cut and run it doesn't help and will only hurt you more.

I'm not sure if I helped you but stay in touch with me so I know how you're doing. Keep writing in your journal and then take it with you next time. You could write a letter to him too that might help and it will give him time to think it all over.

~Hugs to you, keep in touch :)

April 4, 2009

My biggest triggers

1. Stress - especially work stress lately. Being overwhelmed and not always knowing how to bring myself out of it is mind crumbling.

2. Boredom - with all this stress how can I get bored? I do though...and start zoning out, eating, or finding ways to get myself in trouble.

3. Arguments at home - my husband still doesn't get it. Criticizing me is a love and intimacy killer.

4. My Mother - she has cancer and I get that she is feeling out of control and frantic. Its up to me to take care of her she lives in another state and there is only so much I can do from here. See trigger number one for why I can't do more. All she does is critcize me for not being there for her. She has BPD in the most severe sense. Part of me understands and part of me just withdraws from her more and more.

This is my list for now as I sit here buried in work on a Saturday with a staff who can't work on the one project each that they have without a lot of guidance that I can't give them right now.

Drinks anyone? Mind altering substances? I swear I was happier when I smoked pot...a lot happier.

April 1, 2009

Goodbye sweet boy

I finally did it, I talked about you tonight, the whole story. I made it through without any tears. That's not really hard for me anyway, I usually do talk without tears, without feelings. Not when I write though...writing brings on feelings and tears. Like right now.

I love you, you were special, kind and very funny. You enjoyed being around me not many did back then. I lost a piece of me when I lost you. I think of your parents who I never met and wonder what they went through. I am a mom now and can't imagine being so disconnected from my child but then again you always had that smile and it made me think you were okay. I never smiled back then and remember vividly how I could be a crisis and then there you'd be with that smile.

Why is it those with the brightest smiles seem to have the hardest time in life? That is how it seemed to me about you. I should have called on Wednesday, I'll never know what difference that might have made. Never.

I wish you could tell me what was going on in your mind that night. Did you just fall asleep? What were your last thoughts? Were you hoping I'd find you in time? I failed if that is the case. Failed miserably.

That's all for tonight.