March 28, 2009

I get another chance!

The group I blew off earlier this week is meeting again this Tuesday night at the same place!!

I'm going this time even though I will feel awkward. I got an email that they were meeting again and thought well maybe this is a sign I need to try and make some new friends or at least just get out of my rut that I'm in...

Time to branch out and perhaps I'll be celebrating once Monday is over at work. I got word from my boss that he recommended to the Board to keep me as the Director permanently so I have one more conversation to have on Monday (fingers crossed please!).

I won't feel like such a failure after Monday...then on Tuesday I branch out a little bit and see how it goes :)

March 24, 2009

The mood cycle...

I found the following a blog called and it is one of the best descriptions I've seen yet on what I go through and think many times a day in fact. I provided her version then mine...what a great blog to check out :)

Feel like there is electricity coursing through my body at an even rate. I can't shut it off. Have to keep moving, can't settle down.

Me: Yep and I start driving around in my car.

Feel like I am going to fly off the handle at the slightest little thing.

Me: I call this my Rocky moment.

For no specific reason, I feel like something horrible is going to happen at any moment, even though I know perfectly well that everything is okay. I call it "Chicken Little Syndrome," this feeling of impending doom. It's like the switch in the brain that signals crises is stuck.

Me: My former boss used to call me chicken I know why!!

Appetite changes
Eating too much, or eating too little.It's like I am trying to medicate myself with food: "If I just eat x, then this feeling will go away...."

Me: Explains very well my weight battle.

Delusions of failure<
Am convinced that my life is a failure, that my marriage is not what it seems, that my boss is going to decide I'm incompetent, and I feel like crying because I have no friends. No evidence supports any of this. In fact, the reality is quite the opposite. I am successful and loved.

Me: I'm going through this a lot lately.

I do things that I know are bad, like smoking and drinking. I drive a little too fast. I hurt my relationships, I tear my cuticles, I cut my hair impulsively, especially if I feel anxious.

Me: Yes to smoking, drinking, I don't drive fast but 5 accidents in two years is interesting. I tear at my fingers having the solar nails helps some, I don't cut my hair but have been known to slam my hair dryer against my head a time or two.

From not being able to sleep, and then being too tired to sleep.

Me: Yes!

Having a racing mind full of anger, paranoia, anxiety and self-loathing is frightening in the immediate sense (what if I lose control and say or do something that will ruin my life?), but also in the long-term sense (what if I completely lose control and end up institutionalized?).

Me: Couldn't have said it better.

Feeling "on edge"
For me it's like my engine is idling at too high a rate, almost like a vibration in the background, and that any minute the thing is going to shake apart.

Me: It is like a vibration...again back in the car I go for a long drive.

I feel responsible for everything, even mean comments I made thirty years ago, every failed plan. I become filled with regret and embarrassment and replay those old scenes endlessly.

Me: yes, yes and yes.

Increased libido
(but not necessarily out of positive feelings)

Me: Oh yes, best part of the deal as far as I'm concerned but can get me into trouble.

This goes along with "feeling on edge", I'm hopped up, I'm ready, what the hell is wrong with you? Can't you see the light is GREEN? Road rage figures in here.

Me: I want to laugh at this one it is so true of me but I feel bad afterward.

Every February I buy clothes I never wear during a bouts of "retail therapy", and get my hair cut very short. I buy books on obscure topics to impress myself, and start creating websites I won't follow through on.

Me: I got shopping on line, at stores...anywhere. Lots of little things like books, makeup blah blah blah.

My brand is morning insomnia, waking up, wired at 4:30-5:00.

Me: Yeeeessss!

Grrrr...what did you say? I know I am irritable when the street noise outside our urban house begins to really bother me. I think everyone is stupid, including myself, being civil takes nerves of steel. Road rage figures in here, too.

Me: I get annoyed majorly if in the morning in the elevator at work someone wants to get off at the second floor holding me up for the 3rd floor. I believe eye rolling is probably seen by those unsuspecting coworkers.

No one has EVER been depressed like I have...oh, woe is me...Small things get blown way out of proportion.

Me: yes again

Mind racing
Manic mind stuck in a long rut of negativity, mulling over bad moments, making plans
to get out. I get so tired of this. Just SHUT UP already! It's exhausting.

Me: It is exhausting...

Morbid ideation
Thinking about death and existence. Not necessarily about suicide, although it can be. Can be about how good it will be to pass out of this existence, how everyone in the past has died, how I will die too, how none of it is important because the worms will get us all in the end. Everybody thinks about death and existence, but not constantly, for weeks or months.

Me: Everything except the worms...ick I have a bug phobia.

I feel like everybody is looking at me- in a bad way. At work I suspect office politics are going against me. For none of these is there any evidence.

Me: Oh yeah and much more just ask my therapist.

Pressured Speech
I feel like I must speak. I bombard my husband at the breakfast table with sociological observations (when I know perfectly well his brain is incapable ofaccepting information until he's finished his coffee). Sometimes it's pressured, angry speech, like when I feel compelled to lecture strangers about their bad behavior. My husband calls it a "Pandora's box" moment.

Me: I didn't know there was a thing called pressured speech...but some of this resonates with me.

With all this negative energy coursing through my body, I feel like I am going to explode at any little thing. Driving is a challenge: everyone is an idiot.

Me: Ha!! I must laugh this time...everyone is an idiot when I feel like this.

Feeling anxiety, guilt, anger, panic, and fear for my mental state, I cry easily and often.

Me: I do all of that and then the laughing fits start...weird.

Self talk won out...

Well, I went early to meet the group and studied a little bit. Then I got tired and just went home. I found out earlier today I have a big meeting on Monday of next week and I'm very nervous. I couldn't stay to meet the group.

I hate that I do this to myself. I get too consumed with anxiety and then retreat. I feel like a failure now but I wouldn't have been good company anyway, too nervous.

Where is the confident me? I used to be confident a long time I'm just a shell of that former person for some reason. I used to take risks, meet new people all the time and loved it.

Where is she? I haven't seen her in years.

nervous about meeting the group tonight

I was excited to find this bipolar support group and now comes the anxiety about meeting new people. My self talk goes like this:

"they won't like me I'm weird"
"they already know each other and won't talk to me"
"I'll say something stupid I always do"
"I need to work late so how can I possibly go tonight?"
"I shoud color a mandala instead"

This is just some of my self talk and I hate that I put myself through this every time I don't know anyone at a place I am visiting or hanging out at.

But this is important for me to overcome so why not just GO!

March 22, 2009

Support Group

I finally found a meetup group that is gathering on Tuesday at 7pm.

It's a Bipolar and Coffee group exactly what I've been looking for. They will be talking about success stories. I am so looking forward to meeting new people like me and talking about how they deal with life and various situations.

I've been wanting to reach out for some time and this group has a good number of people and its a laid back environment. Maybe I'll find a friend or two at the same time who knows!

I am feeling quite up tonight, I hope once my medicine kicks in I can sleep. I am up to 15mg of Abilify a day with 5mg taken in the morning and 10mg at night. I also lost a few lbs since I'm back on my shakes and healthy foods. The vacation water weight is finally leaving my body...I just hope I can keep this up weighing myself every day. Its nice to see an almost 4lb loss in two days!!

I'll keep positive and hope for the best.

March 20, 2009

Changes I need to make

I need to quit drinking...lately I have been doing too much of it. As I sit here with my chocolate flavored martini.

I need to lose about 40lbs. Nuff said about that impossible task. T says to weight myself every does my husband and my in laws I guess everyone's right. I will post this for my own reminder I now weigh 183 lbs. I haven't weighed this since the birth of my son four years ago. Since starting Abilify, I've gained 7.6 lbs. I don't know what I am going to do now since Abilify does help me better than any other drug has.

I need to quit smoking. This will cause the lbs mentioned above to only go higher...

I need to start exercising (did that tonight but then celebrated with the martini).

I need to spend more days like today with my son. We had fun. He enjoyed his happy meal at lunch time, going to the art supply store where I got him an ABC coloring book and the session with my T today. He loved pouring his toys out all over the place what 4 year old doesn't.

I did join which can be viewed on my IPOD so I made small progress today.

Okay, I'm ready to cry so time to log off...

March 19, 2009

I am grateful for....

1. My son

2. My husband

3. My blog friends

4. Good health so far

5. My father and brother

6. Aunt Helen and the love she still gives me

7. My cat and her head rubs

8. Having car insurance...geesh!

9. A good job in trying times

10. and last, but not least, my T the best male role model I've ever had.

March 16, 2009

The Past

must stay in the past, but it doesn't. It rears its ugly head whenever I have too much time to think. Of course, he has moved on and so have I moved on. Tell my brain that, tell my heart that. I need to be grateful for what I do have and I do have a lot.

I feel like that spoiled child that just always wants more and always what I don't have. Time to focus on what I do have right? Isn't that what T is teaching me...gratitude. Why can't I learn something and have it stick? I'm all mood driven its insane for me at times.

Why can't I have just a normal range of emotions, will I ever have that? I feel better today even after drinking last night...intesesting. my husband and I played pool had some drinks and are relaxing. Well he went running this morning and I'm headed to the spa for 7 hours....yes 7 hours!!!!!!!!

Be grateful the two words for me to remember today :)

March 15, 2009

sex is hot

very hot depending on who it is we are havin sex with. sex is mental, about 85% mental and can be hot with the right person. my husband and I are on vacation and it was hot tonight with movies running in the background. Sex is primitive and natural and so much needs to be discussed and understood. when is it lovemaking though and not just sex...raw sex... I don't have those answers yet but it won't come to me tonight I'm drunk and can't think clearly...ran down to the bar tonight sitting there and wondering yes the sex was awesome, raw and it love though? the jury is still out on that one.

I'm in a dream world where sex is is sex... what is the truth? where is the truth? I don't know but I think about him all the time no matter who I am with. Can he feel me I wonder thinking about him...does he feel the same...probably not. Isn't that so sad...the fun we could have...we will never have... oh well. tomorrow is my 7 hour spa day...and that I am looking forward to...big time.

more later...the week is just getting started and there is so much to learn yet.

March 14, 2009

Another accident...

Yes you read that right. One week after my husband's accident, I was in one last night. Friday the f'ing the 13th. The kicker? The guy ended up being interrogated about something unrelated to his slamming on the brakes so I could smash up behind him.

Turns out he did it on purpose because he was late in his run and I still got a ticket for failure to control speed. I had just picked up my truck from the dealer it had the 30,000 mile check done and everything was running perfectly then jack ass decides to pick me so he doesn't get fired.

I was wondering why he kept saying he needed proof that he was in an accident.. it was a commercial truck so I took all of the hit the truck didn't even have a scratch. Second he gave a funny name and it turned out to not be real but I get the ticket and have to go to court.

So we're going on vacation tomorrow for five days and when I get back I need to get a rental car again. I'm so depressed this is my fifth accident in two years. Always it is someone stopping to soon/abruptly and I'm not following too close but I lose concentration easily and I was changing lanes when jack ass did this to me. He saw I was distracted.

I'll be amazed if we still have insurance when we get back from vacation. So much for having a relaxing time. I'm spiraling into depression again. It's always something with me, always something.

March 13, 2009

Feeling better today

Highs and lows as they say :) I feel more optimistic today. I swear sometimes living with my moods and the peaks and valley's of them are like a Rocky movie. You know, at the end he's all beaten up and almost down for the count and gets up just one last time to deliver the final punch.

Sometimes that is how I feel. Like I am getting up one last time...until the next time...giggle. This is a great job its just staffing issues and it won't last that is what I need to remember. It won't stay this way forever.

What will I do without T until the 20th? This would have been a good post to share on Monday, now I'll forget by the next visit...giggle.

Anyway, back to the grind!

March 12, 2009

It's too hard....

Lately I just feel in over my head with my job. I'm by myself pretty much. I like that my boss is hands off but my staff, if I shall call them that, are just holding us all back.

I just hope I hire someone else soon or I might sink faster than I already am. I worked late again tonight and forgot my cell phone at work. My forgetfulness has tripled my mind is so jammed with "stuff" to do. I am trying to listen to these cd's about getting the job done but I lost three of them. Good lord!!!!!

We're going on vacation and I really need to work while we are there at least some of the time. How to break that to my husband I don't know yet. I guess a normal person could handle all this but I'm not normal.

I want to succeed, I really do and I'm wondering if I can. My self confidence is non-existent. This is a huge job and responsibility and I don't want to let my boss down. Part of my wonders if I should tell him he should keep looking. I can't handle another failure and being up front isn't necessarily a failure but pretending that all is well as I usually do is not going to work this time.

I guess I should think long and hard during my vacation about what I want. I need a new brain does anyone have one I can borrow?

March 7, 2009

My husband's accident

I got a call around 5:30 from him saying he was in an accident and to pick up our son. I was still working. I immediately asked if he was okay and all he said was he was woozy and had to go.

Somehow in an hour I picked up our son, my neighbor met me at the daycare and took him for the night. I picked my husband up at home (tow truck driver took him to our house) and off we went to the hospital. He has a mild concussion. He had a scan done of his head and it looked good. The truck probably is totaled. He's okay now though.

On the way to pick up my son last night I thought this is crazy, we can't lose "F". For some reason, I jumped to the conclusion that it was worse than it was. I was so scared anyway that it was worse. My husband and I have our issues but at the end of the day, he's my pain in the ass and I love him.

The thought of my son not having a father terrified me. What in the world would I tell my son if that had happened? How would he or I ever be the same?

I am surprised I didn't freeze and zone out. Actually, I shouldn't be surprised. I was made for dealing with crisis. I'm surprisingly calm. When I went out to my car to leave someone said hi and I back and made small talk. I said nothing not one word it was a 20 second conversation.

I arranged for my son to spend the night with his buddy (another cute four year old) and spent the rest of the night taking care of my husband. I did tease him about how his accident far outweighs my mini fender benders that have raised our insurance.

He even commented I seemed calm and together. Crisis, the adrenaline I guess. It focuses me in a way I normally am not. Why I wonder?? Anyway, he's fine and I'm glad the truck is totaled or at least we hope it will be.

He needs a new one anyway...

March 5, 2009

Everything just hurts...

My head, my back, legs and eyes. I am so cold for some reason too. The other night I was hot and then got real cold and collapsed into bed early. This new job is going to kill me for sure.

All I is run all day long, run to meetings, run back to my desk and run run run...god its a good thing I have Abilify and Klonopin. Now I can sleep probably too much but at least I can sleep. My mind just doesn't shut off without these drugs.

I've gotten my eating down to nothing but shakes and an one meal a day. I can't eat anyway I'm too busy. I am not an organized person at work but I'm getting better at it. I found a filing system for my 25 open projects. Yes 25 open projects which includes my staff stuff too.

Will any of them get done? who knows but they are in order.

So busy yet so alone I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of and who has time anyway? I saw my p-doc today, he was actually not that behind this time. I thought I would implode if he was and just storm out. I can't do that though because his method of medicine is working.

If I get something else under control, they'll work better but all in good time. I actually felt like reaching out to him a little today but pulled back. He seemed more relaxed but said he needed to leave by 2:00 so maybe that is why he wasn't majorly busy. I guess I was there 10 minutes or so in his office and only a 45 minute wait today. I'll let him live...giggle.

I did tell him about being groggy in the morning on 10mg of Abilify so now its 2mg in the morning and 7.5 at night. I had a cosmo tonight so not sure I should even take it. I don't like to mix alcohol with these drugs because I get worse.

But it was one of those cosmo nights for me. Some things just can't be avoided and when the waiter said what's your drink, it just came out!!! something with my medicine combo has reduced my desire for drinking so that is good. Just one now it used to be two automatically.

Now for what happened (almost) this morning. I was so stressed when I woke up I almost called out of work. I can't though too much to do. I started crying a little bit because of all this pressure in my head and my nails dug into my face just a little bit. My husband ran out of the room. There are no marks luckily.

I am wondering if I can handle running this department all by myself. My staff does nothing and its a fight so I do 90% as usual. I'm not even permanent in this role to begin with. I could easily work until 9pm every night and not be caught up.

I took tonight off and spent time with my husband and son. We had a good time watching our son color houses blue, red and green. He's a funny kid I must say.
Its a good thing restaurants have coloring pages and crayons...I tell ya.

I heard from my friend Jimmy today. He called from our high school's parking lot. I asked why he was sitting there and he said "hey sunshine its where we met and where we began" and he had to call. I needed that today so badly. I told him a lot of what has been going on and he had me laughing for awhile. I miss him and out of the blue when it mattered, he called.

Right before his call I was remembering this morning and how I almost messed my face up over emotionally turmoil. I boil over sometimes and this morning was one of those times. I really need to get a handle on this. One other time in my life I did actually scratch my face up but that was about my ex-husband. He had gone on this rampage about how horrible I was because I didn't fit in with his perfect family. Came from the wrong side of the tracks he said...back then. He and I still talk now and he's apologized but I was never accepted for me by him or his family. Never.

People start out liking me and say they accept me for me but the truth eventually comes out. I couldn't remain a size 8 my natural size is probably a 10-12. Not bad some might say but a big no no in his family. It didn't matter I finished college with a 3.81 it was years later and wasn't even acknowledged by him or them. They are the most pretentious people I've ever met.

Oh well, my life narrative, as I started to talk about last night on here, includes Jimmy but I should probably go earlier than that. I'm still drawing a blank on it.

I was thinking today I need a massage therapist. My back is getting worse...all my stress ends up there its horrible. I did take an Aleve and that helped.

But now everything still just hurts...I can't figure out why I feel so cold.

March 4, 2009

A life narrative

So if you had to write a narrative about your life what would it be? That is tonight's topic. I don't know what theme I'll end up with maybe a cross between drama and a sprinkle of true crime, a thriller and a bit of comedy.
A lot of comedy actually. I'll have to mull it over...

T and I are just off anymore. It's me I can't put my finger on it but I'm all over the place and he's trying to help me. I'm pulling back from him for some reason. I've been since the holidays. I had a rough holiday he was there for me sort of in his normal therapist way.

Tonight what seemed like something nice that T did was actually "I think" an insult. When I came in he said something about his assistant was out. I made a comment okay a somewhat flirty comment but hey that's me, that's what I do sometimes.

He said he wanted to leave the door open since we were alone. It didn't register with me but on the way home, it did. How odd of him. How very "therapist" of him after three years to be that fearful to leave the door open.

I don't know whether to laugh, get mad or just find someone else to work with. We used to be able to joke around or at least I was able to. We are not comfortable anymore with each other. I can feel it something has changed.

Oh well, another relationship bites the dust I guess. I don't want to make him nervous like that again and my personality is what it is, that used to be okay and now it's scary for him...I have enough shame without him adding to it.

I thought when he left the door open it was because it was just us so why not, stupid me I never get this stuff when it happens. I'm always behind others motives...they get me every time.

Anyway, we haven't talked about the erotic transference I used to have for him. I thought he understood that it is behind me since it hasn't been a topic. I don't allow myself to go there anymore and haven't for a long time.

I need to think this over and figure out what is going on with me. No point asking him, he'll just say he meant nothing by it or assume his highest motive. I can't this time, it's obvious why he left the door open the question now is what do I do about the lack of trust he has in me? How do we move forward?

Do I want to move forward?

March 2, 2009

Judging Sessions

I judge sessions, I can't be alone in that though. Isn't part of therapy judging sessions? When the relationship is good, its really good and that is a judgment. Sometimes we are off like tonight. I can only guess it's me who is off.

I struggle with this concept of that I am the only one in the room. I decide whether we have a connected session or not. I was defensive tonight and it is because I sensed something in T that wasn't right. He wasn't feeling well so I feel bad about even thinking this way. He said "good evening" to me in the beginning and it struck me because the last time he said that, I ended up dissociating and we had a horrible session.

It scared me when he said that, isn't that f'd up??? Two words turned the course for me. Why couldn't I tell him that? When we first started talking he was complaining about "in treatment"...I enjoy those conversations but tonight it was like he was trying to tell me something. It is the way Paul's patients go off on him that he didn't like.

I don't do that though. If I ever did, I know how he'd react he told me...he'd end the session. What was the purpose of him telling me this after our last session which was completely amazing? I am not unhappy with him and if I was I wouldn't be able to hide it anyway. Aaaahhh sometimes I hate the process.

We talked at the end about how I want to pursue my past lost memories. He doesn't think it's a good idea but I guess he'll go along with it. Should we though when he doesn't believe in what I want to do? Can he be compassionate enough with me to do this? Can I be trusting enough of him? He said that I always bring up these topics at the end. Well it wasn't on purpose I'm not watching the clock, he said not to worry just to talk and now I'm always bringing this stuff up at the end.

Many questions which will only be answered in time. Don't judge it...I believe I shouldn't judge him or me so why do I do it? Is it possible not to judge sessions? I'm so confused and yet so busy right now so why dwell? He's not so why should I right? Right!!!!!!

March 1, 2009

Movie: My Son Andrew

This lifetime movie is coming on again this Thursday night. Aaaah! I don't remember much about what my neighbor looked like (the abuser) but one of the characters in this movie struck me last year. My heart sank and I felt sick just seeing the previews flash across the screen.

Last year, I was laying on the couch half asleep watching this movie. The character in the movie that I am referring to is the man who fathered the boy Andrew. When I first saw him, my mind flashed immediately to the neighbors house in the kitchen. That is where it happened, the sick and disgusting behavior that I do remember.

I need to find a way to take a snapshot of the man who plays him. It isn't him of course but his face, hair, and look struck me so it means something. Any ideas on how to take a picture from the TV?

This is an older movie so a current picture of the man won't do me any good. I really don't want to watch the movie just to get to it but I guess I have to if I want some answers.

I am looking into hypnosis my T doesn't do it but I have to try something else. There must be a way to get the memories I am missing. I was seven years old and remember quite a bit before and after but not during the attack. I must have dissociated or as T says blocked it.

I hate my brain...stop protecting me and let the memory flow damn it. I'll deal with the fallout. I can handle it because I have to and I feel ready.

Last April, I went back to that house (in another state) and tried to feel out a friend of mine who I heard was also a victim. All I got from it was that he knew something but didn't want to tell me. My friend has agoraphobia and probably Asperger's and knows every house in my former neighborhood, ever name of every person who lives in those houses. But not the house adjacent from his. His memory wasn't that good he said.

I don't blame him at all for not wanting to tell me. I treaded carefully and didn't push it. Because of what I know about my friend, I am madder than hell and this is also part of why I want to remember, want to find T would say "and then what?"

I'm not sure what would be next but I need something. One day, this memory will flow and I don't want it to be when I am 60...

My friend though, he's precious and special needs. It makes me even angrier because part of what happened to him later mental health wise is because of that sick jack ass. One thing that concerned me was my friend was recalling past memories with me the day I visited.

He mentioned some things that never happened with him or in his presence that I am aware of. What scares me is there were others in the house that day. I know who they were and don't remember this friend being there. Maybe he was though?? He said a few things that make me think he might have been. I know I don't remember seeing him there.

There were four of us plus the neighbors daughter. We did show up unannounced after all we were young kids. Perhaps my friend was already there and was hidden from us. I might never know that but the thought of my friend potentially witnessing what happened to me makes me so sad for him. If that is true imagine how helpless he felt.

We were best friends, we were together every weekend. I protected him from the other two boys who were with me that day. It is sad how picked on special needs kids are...I still to this day hate those two boys now men. I heard one of them has a daughter...wonder if he treats her the way he treated me and his own sister.

I'll never know...