February 27, 2009

Just feel...

Every session one topic sticks in my mind and I mull it over deeply. I was telling T about how my art class went last weekend. I loved it and had fun. However, after reading a five minute book called the Dot, I started crying a little bit. Not too obvious to others but I did.

Then at the end a woman in the group was crying about how she lost her son. That did it, I lost it. In an obvious way but not making any sounds. Everything in me said "run now grab your purse and just go". I was afraid to make her pain about me though. At least I had the decency to think of that.

Anyway, T said "why can't you just "feel". No judgments just feel. What an awesome point and central to probably many of my issues. Feelings unless happy, joking around or mad were not allowed to occur in my house growing up.

Dad would get mad if I cried and he said "don't be such a girl". He only bonded with being happy, fun, joking around or being angry and mad. So I buried my pain and my tears far far beneath the surface. We never had intimate discussions in the house about "feelings".

The verbal and non verbal message from dad was this "be tough, I'm not raising you to be a doormat for anyone". I love my dad so much inspite of everything and he's different now trust me things are better.

I think I feel a lot more now since I've met T. It's because of him and our work I know it is. I have more to do though. I still judge myself for every other normal feeling.

I wish T and I could paint or color together because my feelings do come out I learned that in painting class. I would have loved for him to be there with me because then maybe I could've just gone with it and not judged it. Art therapy with my T would probably open me up in an amazing way.

February 25, 2009

laid down half my session tonight

see that is what I love about my T. I so needed to just lay down and talk to him as if I was at home. Sometimes sitting up on his couch is too much for me. Its a comfy couch but that isn't how I normally talk with people I'm close too about intimate topics.

I lay down or partially down and always the pillow... :) time goes so fast during the session, that part is sad...endings are sad whether it is a session, a night out with friends, my son not being an infant anymore or me not wearing a size 8 ever again, its all just sad...

I say no more endings...who here is with me on that!

February 22, 2009

Abilify and Eating

Why is it that drugs that help me also make me so hungry. I'm gaining again. I read somewhere it is national eating disorder week. Now I feel worse, I'm a binge eater...eating when not even hungry and add Abilify into the mix. I'm on the right meds but I'm going to hit 180+ I can feel it.

I hate my damn %$!!@! body. I hate that I am 5'3, I hate everything about me today and yet overall my mental state is better. I'm going to have to drop this med before I slice the fat off of my body...literally. Seroquel did the same thing damn it.

What do I do now??? I'm out of town and besides dinner had two chocolate chip cookie...the mid/large sized cookies... why?? I am looking into the lapband but with Abilify in my body I'm not sure it would help.

I'm going to have to go med free. I can't take it anymore.

February 17, 2009

get past it...

In session the other night, T and I talked about what I can't remember about some sexual abuse when I was 7 years old. I remember some of it but not his face. Now that I know about dissociation, no doubt this is what I did at some point during the attack.

I feel stuck there is something in my head that needs to come out. Its like a splinter you can see, feel and touch and it hurts but its too deep and I can't get it out.

T wants to help me get past wanting to know. I can't though and I won't. One way or another I want my answers. I can handle it, T doesn't trust me I guess.

How does that help he asks? It could make me worse. Has he been listening the past three years? How much worse can things get? I'm not mad at him, he doesn't know what he never experienced. He doesn't know what I feel unless he's felt it.

A friend of mine said I need a trauma therapist. I don't want a trauma therapist, I want my therapist. I trust him I just need for him to trust me. I know my therapist is a behavioral therapist and I guess this isn't their focus. I don't believe that though. He's changed so much with me and we can go the distance.

I mentioned a hypnotist he said that is placebo...I giggle at his terms. The consummate scientist. We've been through so much for three years I need to find a way to show him, I can do this. I just need to go there with him.

There is a reason I startle at the littlest noise, sometimes it is much stronger than others. I noticed something last night, I tell T to lock the door as I leave. The front door. I was thinking on the way home, why do I tell him that. He knows to do that.

Another time or two I thought someone was watching us or just felt the car outside was suspicious. How embarrassing it is when I act like that. Things can't get much worse and if they do, they'll get better.

I read that the point of DBT is so clients can deal with the trauma of therapy...well then...I wonder is it me he's worried about or himself?

Maybe the truth is too terrible if he can't face it with me how can I face it? I hope my medicine kicks in soon. I hate when I get all paranoid about what I think he thinks...another issue of mine.

I read over my blog posts sometimes just searching for the truth. The paranoid me thinks he doesn't believe I went through anything that bad...but logically I know he wouldn't think that. I know he has heard me and what I can't say...I've shown him in my actions bad or good.

What is the damn truth.....what is it my brain would rather forget but my soul needs to know?

February 16, 2009

My Addictions

1. Facebook
2. Facebook
3. My Blog
4. Facebook
5. Food
6. Therapy
7. Sex (hhhmm)
8. Facebook
9. Martini's
10. "a secret addiction"

and...Facebook! I just love that social network...why I didn't elaborate on it sooner I'm sure I don't know.

February 15, 2009

Swingin' on up!

I feel on top of the world right now, my sex drive is back and up, up, up!! Its been a few months since I've felt this way. My husband and I had a nice valentines I guess you could say.

Our son god love him spent the night at his friend's house across the street from us. His little buddy Nic. He didn't miss us too much. When we came over in the morning he said "we're still playing...".

Yeah, little turkey I know...anyway, even before last night I've been feeling sexual. Is this a bipolar thing? If so, I like these phases although I can get into trouble somewhat. giggle...

Anyway, during times like this a bus load of um men/women etc. wouldn't be enough. Just kidding. I'm trying to put this in perspective...not having much luck. Maybe time to take some Abilify, I haven't taken it yet today...

Anyone else feel like this or is it just me today!!!!!!!!

February 12, 2009

old photos

Old photos tell quite a story if we really pay attention. She is about three years old sitting on santa's lap...she hates santa her body language just screams get him away from me. No one is listening though.

Laying on his lap with a miserable look on her face...she couldn't remember who he was. So she asked mom "who was that Santa"...then she said Uncle Hugh....ah yes now it all makes sense. I hated him. I was showing T some pictures last night and couldn't remember but afterwards I felt so sick and weak. I barely made it home, hit the pillow and didn't wake up until this morning around 3:00am. I still felt sick but somewhat rested.

There were also some photos of me at 2 1/2 and one of them I looked like someone beat the crap out of me. But I was smiling couldn't have been that bad eh? Mom danced around the topic then said "oh you were in and out of the emergency room" "I couldn't turn my head for a second"...damn f'ing liar. She turned her head for more than a second.

I never heard I was in and out of the emergency room before not until last night. Interesting. She said I fell on a pill bottle...then it was oh you used to run into walls and when all else failed, she blamed my aunt helen. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

There is no way in hell I got hurt like that in Aunt Helen's care. Bitch. Oh yeah I forgot mom has lung cancer I need to be more....loving. Bullshit on that. I know what happened momma, you were drunk, drugged up and don't remember...do ya? Blame Aunt Helen the one woman who saved you, you don't deserve her love not one second of it.

Its no wonder I came home and passed out. Is it? I can barely function right now. There is a truth I can't remember....I just can't. It is in those pictures...of santa hugh and the others...

My aunt helen hated uncle hugh and mom knew it so what did she do? she buried him with my aunt helen. I told her aunt helen didn't want that she didn't listen so the day of the funeral...my uncle hugh's body casket slipped and almost fell off the thing lowering him down. I laughed so hard when mom told me that.

I told her don't put that man in the same grave with aunt helen...she didn't listen. I swear aunt helen had a hand in that...can't be a coincidence...can't.

I need hypnosis or deep drug therapy to get inside my brain and pull out the TRUTH. Then I will be able to heal and not until then...

February 10, 2009

Looking for something good

in my mother. This was an unintended topic in my session last night. It is what therapy is for no doubt but I throw a lot of topics around and usually one sticks.

I told T, I am a bad person for not feeling much about my mom and her lung cancer. I was laughing and telling him if my dad were in session with us that he would tell you with his finger pointed straight at you "that woman is f'ing crazy"... My T knows my dad is like Tony Soprano so I kind of laugh a lot when dad says things not really about the content of what he says, its how he says it.

Anyway, T said something about dad helping me with an unbalanced view of mom. Without realizing it my fist started to clench...T pointed that out...he's never done that before but I'm glad he did. Instant reflex I guess I never noticed it.

So I get defensive about my dad sometimes and other times I agree with T 100%. My dad and all of us have been through hell and back with my mom. My example last night was that my dad had nothing to do with her saying that she was going to come into my room one night and scratch up my face so no man would ever look at me.

This after my dad let me wear a damn coat that she said I couldn't wear of hers. It was her step mother's funeral that day...the one who abused her. So celebrate that momma by emotionally abusing me!!

My dad installed a lock on my door (didn't go this deep with T last night) but I kept it locked every night. That is when the closet sleeping started. I haven't talked to T about that yet. I don't do it anymore but sometimes I still sit in my walk-in closet to get away from the noise of life.

I don't see anything wrong with that really I see it as complete quiet time. I shut the door and my husband is either here with our son or I'm alone. Usually I'm alone in the house though.

Anyway, still to this day if my bedroom door opens abruptly, and it does I have a four year old, it startles me badly. The drugs help that being Klonopin at the moment used to be Ativan.

Even though Klonopin is .5mg it helps...Ativan really didn't do anything so I'm glad that the other along with Abilify helps me. I hate though that I need drugs...these drugs anyway.

They are so hard to get off of can one really take these for life? What if I get pregnant? Ugh. I didn't even take an aspirin when I was pregnant with my first child.

When my medicines work is when things are better with my husband and I want another child. I've noticed this is when it happens.

Anyway, I told T I would look through some pictures and find something good in my mom...I found a few and I'll share them tomorrow. She can be funny but actually she used to be very quiet and shy. Interesting...

I think T got a little emotional last night, I could be wrong he usually doesn't have a hint of emotion other than being fun (which I love that side of him) or just therapist-like. That isn't to insult him it's his job after all.

I think it upset him that I actually could not feel much about my mom dying...why? Because he is good not evil, he has heart... not a stone and he can feel anyone's pain...even if they don't deserve it.

Maybe at the end of all of this, I'll be more like him than me.

February 7, 2009

my son and I are so sick

with the flu... so much for getting flu shots. My eyes are burning and I wonder if Abilify has something to do with that.

I had a bad reaction to something this morning. I took Robitussin and had already taken Abilify...then found out aunt flo came to town this morning...along with the flu...I snapped big time.

I had an alright week until Thursday I became so sick even sicker on Friday my son's birthday. i wanted to stay home with him but couldn't because I have a board meeting on monday and needed to be at work on friday to meet with my boss.

then I had to deal with my "susie" type employee again. It got pretty hostile...I'm so tired of babysitting and with a 100 degree fever at the same time.

I was just shaking at lunch time yesterday I wanted to go home. But that is how it is with this new job.

When I feel like this I need my husband to take care of me...but our son is sick so his time is better spent with him. I'm just so miserable that I can't hug my child too much...it could make him worse.

We had to cancel his party today and he's only 4...all week we were saying how he was having a jump party. My husband says we are more upset that he is...he probably doesn't realize it. I wanted to make it next weekend but my husband said no....I hate life today. I just want to get away from all of this. Time to move to another state again.

I just pray that my son feels better, he's been through so much a tumor, the epilepsy and now the flu...he spent his birthday yesterday with a nanny because I had to take this new higher level job.

I suck at being a mom. What kind of mom doesn't just tell her boss I'm sick, my son is sick...talk to you Monday....???

I need someone to take care of me too. I'm losing it again....probably won't make therapy on Monday the way I'm feeling...oh well...fuck it.

February 4, 2009

my mother

She's too weak for surgery I found out tonight. She needs most of her left lung removed they are pretty sure its lung cancer.

She was crying tonight being only 61 and they didn't think she would make it through surgery. I called my dad and he's going to call her. They don't talk but have known each other since they were nine years old.

Quite a love story I have been told. You know when the bad girl meets and marry's the bad boy... :) But then they went and had two kids. I wouldn't trade my brother in for anything although I have threatened too a few times.

He isn't going to handle it well if my mom doesn't make it. I feel nothing about it right now. Nothing. If I had known about the latest before my session that would have been nice but now I need to wait until Monday.

Wait for what though? I don't have any bad feelings right now. She will have a PET scan on the 11th and if she goes into surgery if they think her heart will last then I'll fly out.

I'm kicking out that loser boyfriend though. My dad said the same thing. I don't want to be in the house with some loser...and he's a loser trust me.

I'll have to go out alone which may not be a bad thing. My brother would just be an emotional burden and quite frankly...my mom can be more than enough. No more crying wolf...apparently she really is dying.

Three packs of cigarettes a day pretty much since she was a teenager. It was bound to happen. I'm sure some who may read this might think bad of me for not feeling anything.

Well, you probably should in this case. I deserve it.

the pillows were gone :(

Now this is silly but T's couch has two pillows every time. Tonight, they were put away because another patient didn't like the feathers that come from them. I can understand that, its not one of my issues. I find it cute to have a feather or two stuck to my sweater sometimes.

Lucky for me, I had my portfolio with me. Now the silly part, I use the pillow as a shield almost to cover my stomach area. When I sit down I can feel the fat in that area and I hate it. Also, this is how I have always sat on couches. I always take a pillow and cover that area.

I did that as a child too and wasn't fat. I wonder why? What is the significance of putting a pillow across my lap? I can't seem to sit on couches without them.

It's like having my fan on at night. I lived in cold places like chicago and philly but always the fan is on at night. It might not be pointing at me, but I have to hear it. I can't sleep in complete silence.

Quirks...gotta love 'em. If I go to someone's house, and the couch doesn't have a pillow, I can't sit there. I get up and walk around or if we're drinking i guess it doesn't matter to me much.

The fan at night causes laughter when I go to my inlaws, they know to put the fan in our room. My husband hates it and I can understand why. My dad's side of the family all of us cousins...must have a fan at night. The spouses always tease us when we get together which isn't often unfortunately.

What is the link here? Crazy is as crazy does :)

February 2, 2009

Movie: Mischief

1985 what a year :0 I met Jimmy in 1984 and this movie is another one that has stayed with me all these years...he knows we've talked about it.

If you haven't seen it, you should. Gene is the character played by Chris Nash...could be Jimmy's twin and acts like him too. There is this one line where Gene says "shit yeah" and I laugh every time. The way he says it and the words...are Jimmy.

From the start of the movie when Gene first arrives at school much like Jimmy did...he was different from the get go he stood out in a good way. Our eyes locked when he was introduced in front of the class (he hated being introduced...hahaha!).

Gene falls for Mary Stewart Masterson and she's with someone who doesn't get her. The similarities continue between our story and this story. I'll add this movie to my distract list too.

Who is Jimmy some might ask...well...that would take about 10 post pages to answer but the short version is...my favorite former boyfriend and who knows what in the next life.

He understands me, I understand him. Its a beautiful relationship even if it is platonic and might always be. Now he's found me on facebook and who knows what trouble he and I will cause :)

On The Dark Side...

I feel very misunderstood today at work, home and beyond. I went to Target and bought a cd called Inner Peace by LifeScapes. I think this is what i need. I also finally registered for an art class!! I'm excited about that.

As part of my DISTRACT homework I did the above and now for the video (one of my all time favorite movies Eddie and The Cruisers

"On The Dark Side - John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band

Check out the first song on my playlist :)