January 29, 2009

jealousy is a killer...

After a session it always takes about a day for me to have identified the main theme of the previous session.

My "friend" is jealous of my relationships with anyone other than her. I thought at first she was just going off on me but no what happened was she didn't think I've told my T all about the "bad" side of me.

Ha!! Jokes on her. I remember now he told her a few times that "he knows about this or that..." and "we're working on this or that..." She's crazy. I never told her what I tell my T just have told her some of the trouble I've gotten into. I didn't even tell her all of it. Just snippets but most of what she brought up is not an issue presently.

Guess I forgot to tell her that too. Whatever. I don't have to check in with her, I have a husband and a father and my T (in a good way).

How can she be that jealous of my relationship with my therapist? He's supposed to know all of me. Granted, I reveal in small doses but I have TRUST ISSUES.

Guess he won't be surprised there. She was more evidence of why I have trust issues. The best part was when she defended her sex offender husband (she's in major denial) but knows the truth about what he did. She lied to my therapist about it. We were not there to talk about her husband or my vivid past.

We were supposed to talk about our friendship, some flirty stuff and she did say she was worried about me too so I was hoping she'd see she doesn't have to worry. I am the one who has to worry now.

Now I see her differently. I see the similarities between her and my mother. Another repeated bad relationship. She told my T I don't know relationships...neither does she for heaven's sake.

OH and she told my T she wants to start seeing him. If that happens, I'm out. I hope he doesn't take her on. She has an agenda and its to ruin the one decent and good relationship I do have with him. A healthy and healing relationship...shes jealous of that and that is not a true friend.

I am so sorry I took her with me. So sorry. I wonder how many people she had talked to about me the way she did last night? I just wonder...

January 28, 2009

trusted the wrong friend again...

Where else can i vent but on my blog. Damn it, my supposed "best friend" comes to therapy with me tonight. We were supposed to talk about our close relationship and some bi curious thoughts we have had.

Nope. That isn't what happened. She went on a diatribe that was unreal. Totally humiliated me. Apparently, she thinks my T doesn't know me and she knows me better. I tell him everything and I tell her a lot (misplaced trust once again) but nothing like I tell my T. Part of why this went bad with her is because she drank too much before we went. I had one drink because I am sick...my voice is almost gone.

I had this breakdown around the holidays and went out with her one night and just poured my heart out to her. I was so suicidal I should have gone to the hospital...but I didn't I trust her. She was very sweet that night and she used all of what I told her against me to humiliate me in front of T.

She had the audacity to compare me to her "histrionic cousin who is in jail for prostitution". Yes, you read that right. I won't go into what lead her to this idiotic statement but she hurt me tonight with almost everything she said.

What is really blowing me apart is this "indictment" I got from her tonight, she has never once said any of this to me until tonight. She has said she is worried about me but what she showed tonight was not worry it was something else and I can't put a word to it right now. I had confided in her after many sessions about feeling suicidal or obsessing over one thing or another. Only because she and I would go out afterward on Wednesday's. I don't call her on my own to talk but if I see her then I do.

So we did discuss some of the bi curious stuff but oh yeah, she isn't bi-curious normally just with me. But if it happens, I better not like it or she better not because it isn't going to happen again or regularly. I wanted to say "Honey, it isn't going to happen AT ALL now".

What in the hell was I thinking bringing her with me???? A lot of what she indicted me with tonight, I was on the path of forgetting. I was starting to feel better, Monday's session was awesome just like it normally is.

Now, I feel humiliated and a horrible person. More than that, she brought up a very traumatic situation, I think at this point I told her to "zip it"...T knows about it that isn't why i wanted her to shut up, she has no class. I could feel myself getting triggered and being reminded of this one incident that happened over the summer, I did not need tonight.

After the session ended (and thank god at that point) she was in the bathroom. I am sitting waiting for her. My T comes out to do something at the desk. I had to get up and wait for her outside. I would have lost it. So what do I show him? A happy me... just said I was waiting for her outside and have a good night.

Then she and I get into my truck drive to hers...she kept asking if I was mad at her...um yes I said I am. She playfully tells me to shut up and kisses me...and it was not a short kiss either. WTF?? Oh but she isn't bi curious. I pulled away and said lets just meet our former coworkers for dinner. That was crazy too. A bunch of old men hitting on both of us.

One guy kept putting his arms around me telling me I'm hot like Danica Patrick. Pull out his IPOD with her picture and asks me is this is how I look when taking my clothes off. that did it, I needed to leave fast.

I made up a story about needing to get some work done and no one knew why I was leaving. When I feel like I'm in an unsafe environment, I recoil. Just calmly and almost like I am transparent just get out of it.

I am the world's best at the false front...or it's called false self...I've read about it. T was right months ago when he said looking at a picture of me, one would never know anything was wrong. I went off on him for saying that but he just pointed out something I wasn't ready to face yet.

What am I going to do I can't see T until Monday...I guess I could but insurance would probably balk as this would be the third visit this week. I'm going to have nightmares...I can't sleep as it is right now.

January 26, 2009

friends, therapy and finally medicine that works

I didn't like my space much and haven't been there is forever. Face book however, I do like. Everything was going fine until "J" sent me a friend request...why do ex-boyfriends have to look so damn hot? why? why? why? There are no answers to this question. I see nothing good coming from this. Especially since he said he'd call new year's eve and he didn't. he was waiting for me to call him before new year's eve so he could call me. Absurd? Yes, it is...

Anyway, I might be on the right medicine combination. I feel better. In fact, I felt more at ease with T tonight. Not quite so paranoid...maybe a tad...he was himself tonight, maybe because I felt more like myself too. We chatted briefly about how I was when I first started therapy. I won't go there now but he's right, what a difference since then. Don't want to think about where I'd be if aunt H hadn't intervened and sent me to him. Not sure he realizes just how special he is to me and someday, when my son is older, he will hear all about T and what he has done for me. I'll have to wait until my son is much older however.

Friends...I might take my friend "R" to therapy on Wednesday. She wants to go she said on saturday...we'll see...maybe it'll get us talking in the right direction.

I haven't felt this relaxed after a therapy session in awhile. I understand much better now the impact my "madness" has on him at times...I just need to keep working at it. It helps to hear the truth and his normal joking style...love it :)

January 25, 2009

am I alive again?

Finally I went out last night with my friend "R". I used to see her weekly every Wednesday night and then I didn't have the energy, I was isolating myself. It started before the holidays and I know what triggered some of it now.

Slowly I have been making my way towards reaching out to my friends again. Some of my neighbors. Its hard though because often, I'd rather just hide.

Anyway, I joined her, her husband and his many friends out to two bars. When we were at the second bar, the conversation got more interesting. I guess I am bi-curious, so is she we are both married. She and I have danced around the subject of each other for a long time. Last night, she took it to the next level by just telling me about some dreams she has had about her and I.

This came out while we were discussing a weekend trip together we want to take. Although, this other girl "D" is her husband's friend and she wants to come too. Her husband's spy no doubt. It isn't going to be a fun trip with "D", I like her and all but if "R" and I explore some of what we discussed last night, "D" will be a problem...

Anyway, I feel alive again. "R" gets me, we understand each other and so why not explore something. Life is too short especially the way I am so up and down about mine...why not just go for it?

January 23, 2009

new p-doc...maybe

I saw this new p-doc yesterday. The same day I was in HR with one of my employees. The worst time to start with a new doctor I was beyond agitated, emotional and just plain worn out. I got there at 1:30 and the girl told me to just fill out forms on the left side.

Okay, now I didn't say on the phone weeks ago what I was coming in for. The service didn't ask just made the appointment. The first two pages were the normal forms and then there were two tests....TESTS...no warning just two tests to do.

A mood questionnaire and a bipolar screening test. I thought I wasn't going to have time to fill it out since I arrived right on my appt time. The girl next to me, who was crying I felt bad for her, said her appt was 12:45 and it was 1:30 and she didn't get in until 2:00. She was also a first time patient...they were behind an hour. I went up to the desk and said I can't stay past 2:30 but that is precisely what time I went in to see him.

Agitated? Hell yes but the office girls were nice it wasn't there fault. P-doc said he had 11 new patients that day so maybe that is why they were behind.

I couldn't make my next appointment there I have to call the service. But he said I'll be Thursdays back in two weeks then once a month.

Anyway, I don't know how the mood test came back but he said that when someone scores a 7 on the bipolar screening he doesn't ask any questions. I scored a 12. Of course I did....gotta love it when I am way over the "threshold"...

My T and I had discussed a bunch of things I would tell him about my symptoms. Yeah...I didn't get a word in really...but there is a difference with this p-doc. He is very nice, smiles a lot and he seems to have an approach to a medicine combination that works for bipolar patients. He said anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers. he also said Vyvanse would make bipolar worse...never heard that before but I'm going to try not to take it this weekend and focus on the new medicines which are:

Abilify (5mg)
Klonopin (.5 mg)

I took Abilify only one time and swore I was anxious on it but at the time, I was on lamictal, prozac and vyvanse. So, he said the above combination is the one to go with. He wasn't opposed to my taking Vyvanse but if all goes well this weekend not taking it then maybe I can decrease the dosage on that from 70mg to 60 or 50 during the work week and off on weekends. I'm open to that. I haven't taken Ambien in a few days either so I'll just go with these two for now and see what happens.

I thought that I would be able to put down my T's information but there wasn't a spot for this nor the last p-doc I had or even a family doctor...isn't that strange? I've never seen that before. Oh well, at that point the less I had to write the better.

Honestly, I didn't mind not being able to tell him everything...I got in what I could but I was in no mood to talk at all anyway. He said at the end "you'll be fine don't worry"...I must have had a look on my face or something.

I wasn't worried about him or the medicines...just needed to get back to work so the girls didn't turn me in for being an extra hour...maybe that is what was on my face...he is very nice though so I hope this works out.

January 22, 2009

aw, thanks Mile! You are my inspiration

when is the truth too much?

I've always felt that revealing 100% of myself to someone would scare them off. I have a lot of history to support this feeling. Boyfriends, friends etc.

I've heard "you're always there for me, I knew I had you and took it for granted" or "you love me too much".

One or two I revealed almost 100% of myself too and they married someone else. The real me is a problem for my family too. I'm too needy, need too much attention, too explosive, too paranoid, too whatever else comes to their mind.

At the end of the day, who can they count on for anything they ever want or need? Me.

Who forgives them over and over no matter how much they hurt me? Me.
Who makes excuses for why they do what they do to me? Me.

Is it too much to want to be special to someone? without being criticized or blamed? without conditions? without just telling me what I want to hear? without lies? Yes, it is too much.

How about our dark sides? When is the truth too much? When does it scare people away? Especially those who say they have my back, they won't leave, they won't pull away, reject me, their love for me is "unconditional"...

There is only one person, just one who knew all of the above and probably more than I did about me. She only left me because she passed. Otherwise, she'd be sitting next to me right now. She is a saint. She gave up having a life to take care of me and my mom when she was young. She saved my mom from horrible abuse at the hands of her sister.

She fought the courts, her sister, my grandfather, and shook her head (and I'm told had some choice words) for emergency room doctors who took the side of her sister rather than a young bleeding and battered child.

I only had ten years and I don't remember the first years, just the stories I am told. I can't do anything for her, nothing. There is a soft spot in me beneath the rage and it is all because of her. That I am sure of.

I try so hard to take care of those I love. My husband too even though I can be hurtful to him. I'm there for him in many other ways.

Sometimes the truth is too much. I trust the wrong people but I don't find that out until I trust them, until I open myself up for it. I can always feel when someone is pulling away from me. I am hypersensitive to verbal and non-verbal communication. Even though they tell me I have it all wrong, I don't always and I know this because eventually, one way or another, they're gone.

I need to learn three things from these people.
How they can do it, sleep just fine and don't think twice about it.

Some of this is driven by an email exchange I had today with "J". I don't have the energy to type it all out here. Some of how I feel is related to therapy and T and some due to the most emotional and stressful day at work I've had at this job. Unreal. My mom is in the hospital and I get about 10 text messages every few hours. I know she's scared, I would be too. I answer about 8 of them with messages such as "relax, I've talked to your nurse 5 times, you're okay or you wouldn't be texting me 10 times!! I always end it with something funny or I'll get another text...this woman has hurt me more than anyone, I'm still here. The one she calls out for over and over.

I love my brother god knows, but he is useless in situations that involve an ounce of crisis. That is one of my strengths with those I love...I can't do much for my own crisis but theirs...it's easy for me to soften their fall. i enjoy doing it. It puts a smile on their face even if it is just for that time.

I remember this bird who died near my house where I grew up. I ran in the house and got a shoebox, picked him up and put him in it. I took him inside to my mom and said "we have to help him, he's all alone now".

My mom screamed...okay the bird was dead and she was afraid I would get some disease. She just threw him away though right in front of me in the trash outside. What she doesn't know is that I got him out later and buried him in the backyard the thought of him in the trash can just caused panic in me. I'll tell her someday now isn't the right time obviously.

She didn't get my aunt H's soft spot but I did.

January 21, 2009

Boundaries...

This might be my first post on this topic. The word boundaries triggers me...in session that is and when in the context of our weird therapy relationship. It is a weird relationship isn't it? I never had a therapy relationship before. I had sessions and other T's through the years but nothing like this.

I gave him a hard time as usual. Said something about how I'm supposed to get my friendship needs met elsewhere and he said that's the goal. I hate hearing it even now. There's a part of me that hears that and just wants to run and never look back. I understand the point of therapy logically who doesn't? To me though and apparently just to me, the relationship means more than "therapy".

It all started three years ago and how I found my T. We talked briefly about it again tonight but not all in the detail I am going to type out. Surprisingly, he remembered some of how it came about that I called him.

I was beyond depressed and trying to study for this one certification that drags on and on even now...anyway, I couldn't focus on anything work-related, my studying I would just lay around almost comatose. That isn't an exaggeration either. I saw my family doctor but only talked about the studying problems and suggested I get tested for ADD. He gave me a name of someone but I checked the insurance anyway.

I printed out a list in the area I live in. I circled three names and put the document on my dresser. It stayed there for awhile, weeks maybe. One day I felt worse than any other. I was sitting in my closet (walk-in closet so its not small) I go there sometimes shut the door and just sit. It's a weird thing I've done since I was very young. I guess growing up it was the quietest place in the house maybe that is why I started doing it.

I was sitting in there and was just in so much pain emotionally. I didn't believe I could be a good mother, I was even heavier than I am now, I was working for this psycho boss and just felt the walls closing in. I was very close to the going through with my "plan". It'll be easy, painless I'll just go to sleep. I can remember just wanting to sleep forever. Before I had my son, it was easier to think about going through with it but now not so much. I thought in the long run, he'd be better off. I can't repeat a cycle if I'm not here right? My husband is good and his family is good everything will be better for my son. That is where my head was at the time.

I got up and went back out the bedroom and to my aunt H's hope chest. Before my husband moved her stuff out of the chest (I won't go into how angry I am about that) I had all her stuff neatly organized in there. I picked up one of her very very old albums. I can't find this album now.

I paged through and saw an article it was her and her boss. He had given her an award, she worked for a huge retail chain at the time. She looked so beautiful and happy. The award was for some benefit she raised money for on behalf of the store she worked for. Anyway, I read the short clip and saw the name of her boss...I recognized it but wasn't sure why.

I finished looking through the album and went to my dresser to find a picture of my son I had taken at the time. There it was...the document that listed the therapist names. I had three circled and one of them was the same name as my aunt's boss.

The relationship with my aunt is tough to explain. I feel her sometimes and this was one of those times. There are other odd things that have happened through the years and I really believe she is behind them. I'll do a post some time about the "great flood"...another weird coincidence.

Anyway, this was enough to stop me from what I was thinking about doing. I called his office the next day. Funny part to the story is when I first called his assistant said "we don't have that office location anymore"...I am pretty sure I was like WHAT? Anyway, it turned out they had an office 5 minutes from where I worked. Now it really was meant to be in my mind.

So rather than spill out the truth on the phone, I focused on the ADD testing and said nothing about the severe depression. It was weeks before I got an appointment but that was my fault. Anyway, I remember taking some tests and then it was awhile before I saw him again...I don't remember the exact flow but one of the tests came back with what T said was a severe mood disorder or something similar to that.

That was the start of the process for me. I didn't even tell T about my aunt for almost a year I think. I was terrified to tell him how it came about that I called him. Who in the world would believe this is what I thought...my dad always thought my mom and I were nuts when it came to Aunt H...he would just shake his head at connections we would make about her.

So there it is I'm emotionally invested in a temporary "relationship". The only way out is painful either way. I can run out or go out the "right" way. Either way, the end result is the same and the pain is all mine.

January 20, 2009

hilarious times...

Heather, thanks for the talk tonight and reminding me of KH and the some of the funniest moments we've shared.
I really miss working with you and the rest of the crew. Rarely did we not laugh...it was always something and you're right I used to coach you and now its your turn to coach me...

I should be able to go in tomorrow with a huge smile on my face as I remember...not to throw the baby out with the bath water...but talk her into quitting...ha!!

Don't forget to tell KH, I have three Susie's...literally.

Nighty night :)

January 19, 2009

fat, fat and more...fat

I can't stand how I look anymore :( why then one might ask am I eating so badly...?

I just wasn't given the "gift" of being thin like the rest of the girls in my family. No, I was given hips and ass...literally.

I really need to move forward on the lap band process. I wonder though, a lot of my eating is emotion driven. I'm not even hungry half the time when I grab chocolate or whatever else is in my path.

Pregnancy really changed the way my body fat is distributed. On top of hips and ass is a very thick middle section and I wish I could step out of this body and into a thinner one.

I've been about 35lbs over weight ever since my sons birth. I hate being seen by anyone anymore. I was so uncomfortable sitting in my session tonight. I always put one of T's pillows right on my stomach area, my way of hiding I guess and it feels more comfortable anyway.

I've been a binge eater forever, even as a teenager but my metabolism was so high, I was a size 8 no matter what I did. Now, a steady 14...my dad used to tell me I was fat back then. Ha... wonder what he thinks now. Good thing we don't live in the same state.

He once said after the birth of my son that it was "a shame what pregnancy does to a woman's body"... he meant my body...many women have kids and remain thin...why couldn't that be me?

My to do list is growing...personally and professionally...where is my genie in the bottle, I need one wish!!!

January 16, 2009

relax they say

and so I am relaxing...grape vodka gotta love it :)

this new position and staff I have will kill me for sure...my husband said I don't know how to relax, shut off, I'm always "on"...

yeah I guess so... I haven't wanted sex in forever though why is that??? We ordered this fun thing lets just call it the "swing" and it is still in its box sitting by the front door unopened. Its been there for a few weeks...huh??

I definitely go through phases with sex, want it...don't want it...always want it...never want it....what is that word I love so much "hypersexual" ah yes...an interesting program once on the discovery channel is there an opposite word now that I never think about it?

I feel a-sexual lately isnt that strange...my husband joked that he hasn't seen my little buddy around in awhile...we'll call him Vinni...I don't even know where he is...ha!!

January 14, 2009

Reading backwards

Does anyone do this? I will read a sentence backwards then forward. Tonight I'm doing this more than usual, it is getting on my nerves!! My eyes just automatically go to the end of the damn sentence.

Maybe I'm just tired, worn out or both. As it is, I don't read full paragraphs, I'll just skim through material. I've certainly made some mistakes because of not being able to just read...you know...like normal people :)

It impacts my studying ability for sure. Maybe i should take a speed reading class then I can at least hit the right highlights...

I notice with my son that sometimes his thoughts get ahead of him voice and he'll say for example, "hi mommy daddy" even if it is just me or my husband in the room. He talks very fast and skips words too.

Please let him take after my husband and NOT ME...in many ways he is a "mini-me". We are often in a power struggle. He was so adorable tonight. If I talk too much (for his liking or when he's doing something like watching tv), he puts his hand over my mouth and says "no more talking" and cracks up laughing...

I just love our relationship of course he is almost four...ask me again when he is 15...

January 9, 2009

and to add to the distress...

I've been in my new position officially about a week and at 5:00 tonight on the way out from work, I see a job posting for the position I am currently in. I knew that this was a test period but was told a few times by my boss that it is indefinite...wow indefinite seems to mean one week later!

That was all I needed, over the edge I went.

I talked to my husband on the way home and he wanted us all to go to dinner. I couldn't do it especially on three hours sleep in two days. I did try when I got home to continue the work I started this afternoon. I spent about an hour and a half at work reading what T gave me and put a binder together and added some stuff from dbtselfhelp.

For about an hour I started to feel hopeful then left the building and saw the job notice. How is that for luck? I guess it is good I started it anyway maybe that is why I didn't zone out?

I did call T after I couldn't calm myself down when I got home. Driving an hour "thinking" about how I failed before I started...

He did call back and this is what I put on him after I filled him on the job situation:

Me:
"I have all the homework you gave me and I'm trying but I don't know how to use it to make this pain go away"

T:
"We just got started with this, I won't be able to teach it all tonight"...

Now how did I think that was a logical thing to ask? and he was very sick. Let me remember that next time I assume he's done with me...

3 hours sleep since wednesday

I don't know how I am functioning. Sitting here at work dealing with attitudes from one of my staff members. I am just holding everything in...I can't deal with her right now because it will be bad for both of us.

I am trying to use the DBT stuff to deal with my perceptions of last session. I can't read several of the pages the font was too light. The only thing that would help me get back on track is to talk to T about it. I don't want to call him before Monday I don't see that going well.

He knows how I left but has no idea what has gone on with me since. I am going to have to try to use what he gave me to deal with it. Deep inside my tired brain I know I have to try before bothering him. It's just common sense and respects him too.

I see on these pages sit with the pain, embrace it, feel it...I want to forget it or have him make it go away until I can see him but that defeats the purpose now doesn't it?

Maybe if I can work this out he and I don't need to talk about it Monday.

I have a damn meeting in 20 minutes and all I"m doing is sitting and staring...obsessing...I've already assumed his motives again and responses to questions I haven't even asked him yet. Its making me spin further and further and further down. Okay, I feel the problem if I solve it maybe he'll go back to normal on Monday...right?

It's 2:00 am where is everyone?

In bed no doubt as I should be but can't. This is the second night in a row. I should've taken the Ambien but its too late now. Every time I try to sleep I start crying. I met my girlfriend and we had fun until I broke down on her. Two drinks does it every time. My defenses go way down and out comes emotion, all of it.

I haven't seen her in such a long time. She talked for quite awhile about her husband. He's a registered sex offender (long story) and learned that he hasn't told her the truth about what really happened (I figured this but she had to find out herself). She's blocking those thoughts, rationalized it all away. I stayed quiet about that but listened to her.

I forget how it started but she asked how I am doing and said what I always do "everything's good" and she started asking specific questions and stopped at one point after another one of my general responses and said that it is obvious to her I haven't slept, look worn down and she's not buying it.

Thats when it all fell apart. I was shocked at how much I told her tonight. Her eyes never left mine as I poured out every detail of my recent life. She didn't say much at first she actually asked me on a few subjects if I wanted her opinion before she gave it...A few times I said no just listen, no comments. Then we went outside the bar and sat on the pavement (I needed a smoke break) turns out she did too.

I was so tired I just wanted to fall asleep on the pavement but now its 2:26 am and I'm wide awake. My mind won't shut off. I know I told her too much about my personal life.

Her last comment was to call her no matter what time of the day or night, I said okay sure...knowing full well I won't do that. I told T the same thing recently, I am unable to call during crisis times, like tonight. I almost did call him earlier in the day but someone came in my office.

I'm scared to go to Monday's session and its Friday morning. I just have one question right this moment. How was it so easy for T to emotionally abandon me last session. Especially after me telling him earlier in the week about how bad the weekend was. Yes, DBT was my idea but his approach to the session was his idea.

I'm disappointed because I was interested in DBT...there really was no other way to deliver that information? None???

there is always time to laugh...

Daily Affirmations for the Unstable
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in
many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality
at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.

January 8, 2009

lost

Today has not been much better since last night. I was up almost all night. I feel sick and sad now. Still trying to figure out what happened last night and why but those are useless thoughts.

I left my DBT stuff at home I kind of want to look at it now. All I can remember is "distress tolerance"....well did you all know the best way to combat distress is to be thrown into it head first? I didn't. I am trying to see a different side to how he acted last night. Maybe a family issue? not feeling well?

I can't explain really how extreme my feelings were last night. when I'm at that level 'freak out' its like I turn inside out. Like being shocked for an hour straight...frozen....oh forget it I can't think of the right word...but I have had that feeling before and I did over the summer. Somehow I ended up in another part of town 60 miles from home.

I had gone through a toll booth on that night and didn't have a toll tag because it was a rental car. I got a ticket in the mail about a month later..and my husband asked why I was in this area that is 60 miles from our house late at night. It blew my mind that I could drive like that, have no memory of it and not get into an accident. All four of my accidents this past year and a half...I was wide awake!

Something bad happened that night and I remember leaving this person's house, driving out of the gate and that is the last I remember. I remember driving last night, I just didn't realize I missed several exits...the brain is a very strange organ.

Enough of this...a friend of mine emailed earlier about getting together and after my lapband seminar tonight, we are going out to a place we used to frequent when we worked together...the good ole days. I miss hearing her rant and rave all day.

I haven't seen this friend in several months. I haven't wanted to see anyone but she convinced me it is beautiful outside today...and it is. If I wasn't going to be in town though, I'd make up a story like I have many times lately.

January 7, 2009

hot and cold...literally **trigger**

I had my session tonight and just now got home. I am so crushed. I was so upset when I left I got on the freeway and completely missed an exit to another freeway and ended up back in the area I work in. In the complete opposite way from where I live. I had one of my worst zone out moments and the only reason I snapped out of it was because I had to pee...badly.

I will type this out and see if I can make sense of it all. We talked during a session I had earlier this week about going over DBT stuff. I had found the a website called dbt self help and am interested in it. I told him how bad my weekend was I struggle with thoughts of dying, not just suicide, but dying. It doesn't happen often but when it does it is intense.

T did have a presentation and some documents for me on DBT, I joked about asking the "8 ball" if we were going to have a good session and the message was "as I see it yes"...T didn't seem to know it was my normal joking style the coldness began.

He went over a lot of information but he was so cold towards me. He acted as if he didn't even know me for some reason. Talk about being emotionally distant, he went beyond that tonight.

About half way through, I was just so uncomfortable and could feel tears building. I was trying to focus on what he was saying but I couldn't because of how he was towards me. He has gone over plenty of CBT or other topics before but never in the way he did tonight. He didn't even smile once. He is normally so warm and funny.

I didn't think we would spend the whole session this topic either. I had some things to talk about like the EKG I am going to have and how nervous I am. My heart is skipping and I am having some pains in my shoulder and across my chest. I feel worse now.

After almost three years together he knows me better than I know myself, he knows how I would take him. I just sat there at the end my heart felt like it was going to pop out of me. That wasn't the time to talk about the EKG. I just wanted to leave before I broke down and embarrassed myself more.

I don't know what to do now. He just crushed me that is the only word that fits. I wonder if hes mad that I still have suicidal feelings or is taking it personally. I don't know why he would I've been this way since I was very young. He is helping me and maybe I just haven't told him that enough...My head is spinning

Or is this how the DBT approach is? Someone please tell me there is a reason he was a stranger tonight? I am left wondering what I've done wrong.

I've thought before that he didn't care about me and there was no real evidence of that until tonight. How could he be so cold when he knows what I've been going through?

What do I do now is all I can sit here and think...between my health issues, work pressures, extreme stress with my new staff and now deep sadness... my heart is all over the place.

I also needed to give him my new psychiatrists number and my scheduled appointment time. He said he would talk to him for me. That's out now. I can't type anymore I just can't.

January 2, 2009

emotional chaos

I am stuck in a chaotic maze!! I had to go off of Lamictal rather quickly because of that bad rash and it has been so hard on me. I have been researching various medicines but honestly this is what I have a p-doc for. She never talks about a diagnosis with me, nothing...nada. She doesn't let me talk really so there has never been a comfort zone to tell her anything my T knows about me.

At least my T discussed Bipolar II with me so I have something to go on but I doubt that conversation has taken place between my p-doc and T since she won't work with anyone but herself.

I've been on so many types of medicines I feel like someone's lab rat. Seriously do these doctors take any of this stuff themselves? Here is what I've experienced:

Prozac - I've relied on this drug for many years just to find out it was making me worse.
Lexapro - Caused anxiety
Adderall & XR version - Too many ups and downs drove me crazy.
Vyvanse - Much better and don't notice I am taking it. This is a good one so make a note!
Effexor - This is an evil drug at least for me it was. Nightmares, vertigo, nausea etc.
Wellbutrin - Caused major anxiety and panic.
Seroquel - Weight gain otherwise, I felt calm on this one.
Abilify - See Wellbutrin above same symptoms.
Lamictal - Rash
Gabapentin - Weight gain
Topamax - No weight gain which was awesome but I couldn't put words together and was in a fog all day long.

Of course, many of these medicines were taken on top of each other so it is hard to tell if some of these may have worked...I am going to find another p-doc...I have had it! Someone with social skills would be helpful damn it.