December 31, 2009

Spiraling

I found an on-line art tool. I made a new profile picture and call it spiraling.
That is how I feel today. Just spiraling...

Reality Sucks

Isn't that the truth? I know this for sure. I need to somehow focus on more positive thoughts and actions. I'm 40 after all and the mother of a four year old. He needs an adult parent not a child.

There is a child part of me that holds on to the past and it isn't a great past either. Makes one wonder why I hold on to it. Unfinished business? I see shattered pieces of my life that need to be put back together. Some if it has thanks to T. There are still pieces laying around just waiting for me to put them back together.

If I were any good at art, I could create a canvas of shattered glass. I don't even know if canvas and glass go together. I would use blue, black and red. I wonder what that means. Those are the colors that come to mind without thinking.

I'm going to see if I can find something on line that looks like what I am picturing. Maybe that will help.

December 30, 2009

Insight

I have some insight into my calls with Jimmy yesterday. He ended up calling me back after all and what he said next changed everything.

After talking once again about the baby that will never be, he said that there was a reunion party in January he thought I should crash.

It is a reunion with the residents of his old neighborhood. One of those residents is the girl he cheated on me with. I immediately became anxious then angry. I asked why he thought I should crash it and he said "it would be funny wouldn't it?".

Hell no!! Why in the world would I want to see her again. I went through hell because of her and him. She is the one person I never want to see again. The drama back then that unfolded was horrid for me.

My T said the other day that he hasn't grown up. He is still stuck in the past. The fact that he would want this drama to unfold yet again tells me T is right. Also, if he truly cares why would he 1) ask me to watch a film that would hurt me and 2) now want me and the girl he cheated with in the same room.

Wow. I see this now and I'm beyond hurt and mad at myself. He really is still in the past and it's a past that I don't want to remember anymore. I told him no that I wouldn't want to crash that party. We were both quiet at this point. Even though we've been in touch the last few years it is always the past that we talk about.

He is trying to recreate that past and I don't want any part of it. I have grown past this but he hasn't. I told him I needed to go and didn't say anything more.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to stay in touch but not if this is always going to be our topic. We do talk about our kids, families etc. but it always comes back to this.

Insight is both painful and eye widening. I feel bad for him because he is still stuck there and I don't know what he hopes to get from all of this. If I want to move past it then it all needs to stay where it belongs...in the past.

December 29, 2009

and he calls!

Just about ten minutes ago, Jimmy calls. I almost didn't answer the damn phone but that pull in me just couldn't resist.

The first thing out of his mouth? Did you watch the movie sunshine? I already had some questions ready. My T gave me a few. I asked him "what did you want me to get out of the movie?". His answer? "oh, I don't know...I just watched it and thought of you and how the ending of the movie really hit me". He went on to say "how could we make the decision that we did?". "what gave us that right?".

I about died. He wishes that he was more forceful and had listened to his inner voice he said. I wish the same but I asked him "what can we do about that now?". I told him the movie hurt me. He seemed to gloss over that point. Just kept reiterating that the decision we made is the biggest regret of his life. That and hurting me after that in our relationship.

I asked him if he felt at all rejected by me because I went through with it. He emphatically said no, he never felt like that. He always felt it was both our decision and if he had wanted the baby and I still went ahead then he would have felt rejected.

Wow. So much to process. We talked about some of the hurt afterwards. I asked him if he was getting even with me by his cheating later on in the relationship. He said no but that was his way of pulling back on me. isn't that the same damn thing?? I wish I had said that but I didn't.

He wasn't emotionally into the conversation. Not like the day he told me to watch the movie. He seemed detached. I know him, he obsesses and then becomes detached.

I don't know where this leaves us now. I did say we needed to close the chapter on the discussion. He became more distant. What does he want from me? I can't change any of it. If I could have, I would in a flash.

Then the cell went dead. I tried calling back but to no avail. He does this sometimes. The cell just goes dead and I'm left with more pain when he doesn't call back. It usually happens when we are talking about something big. He'll call in a few days and complain about his cell phone. But that is not it. He just wants to leave me hanging...just like always.

I will never heal.

abandonment/rejection

On top of bipolar symptoms I also have this issue. Seems like wounds that never heal. I'm not sure where it all stems from but it's here nonetheless.

I am drawn to unavailable men for example. My life long love seems to be tied to it. I can't let go. I should let go but can't. We're both married but have agreed to be friends always and forever. It's harder than I thought however. We both have another wound that will never heal. It has to do with a child that will never be. He can't let go and I am having a hard time hearing that from him.

He asked me to watch a movie called Bella. I made the mistake of watching it on christmas day. It's a movie centered around a girl making the choice to have a child or not. In the end, she chooses to have the child and this other guy raises her for awhile until the mom comes back at the end of the movie.

I'm torn. On one hand I am so mad at him for asking me to watch this movie. On the other hand, I'm sitting here wondering what it all means. It makes me want to run further into him and never let go. We both regret the decision but why can't he let go of it? It killed me to watch that movie.

Back to my abandonment issue. My relational pattern. Looking for something, almost desperately to fill a deep void. I could not let go of him. I still can't. The thought makes me absolutely desperate to hold on. Looking for any sign that he wants me to hold on. It's clouding my judgment.

I'm always looking for someone to connect with on that deep level. My husband filled the void when we first dated and the first couple years. Then, oddly, he no longer filled it. I'm not sure why though.

I wait for others to reject me. This comes up in therapy quite often. I don't really talk about it much anymore. It's too difficult. If I perceive any rejection, I just try to distract myself from the feeling. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.

Sometimes when I do perceive and feel abandonment, it makes me want to run and never look back. I did that with my former boyfriend and it took ten years, then I looked him up again. I did this in the first few months of my therapy sessions. That means something looking back on it.

I don't remember the exact session or what was going on, I just remember that I needed to make contact with Jimmy again. So I did and here we are now, still all up in it.

I will say this, I am mentally exhausted from feeling this way. I'll end up dying from this void is what I think. then in my mind, it's over. I don't have to feel it anymore. I don't think this ever really resolves.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has resolved it. How did you do it? or if not, how do you go on?

December 25, 2009

merry christmas!

The morning opened with my son waking us up first to help him to the potty and second to his presents...he was so cute.

Most of the presents that "santa" got him are puzzles and games that he can play with us. I'm excited about playing games with him. He's at that age now.

I'll be cooking tonight. Baked italian chicken, pasta and my italian gravy.

I hope you all have a good day, thanks for listening to me and I'll be here for you as well. Hugs~

December 24, 2009

unwanted thoughts

How does one make unwanted thoughts go away? I tend to just have the same thoughts over and over and over again. I've kept as busy as I can today. We were supposed to go to dinner tonight but verizon and fedex ruined that for us (long story).

I've been spiraling for a while now and the depression has set in. I am trying like hell to focus on better things but its so hard. I've been grappling with a major decision for a bit now and can't seem to make the decision or shake it off.

The whole day hasn't been a total loss. My son and I were together and have had some fun watching christmas movies and getting ready for santa. He's left out the cookies, milk and even has a napkin ready for santa.

Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, things will clear up. I haven't slept the last few nights and that is never good for me or anyone around me.

December 23, 2009

Do some therapists regret taking on certain patients?

That is how I feel about mine sometimes. Like maybe he regets taking me on. We had a session last night and he mentioned that he was talking to someone about what it would mean for his patients should he retire. He stated that it would be fine but there is this one patient...me who wouldn't be fine.

He sees so many patients that it took me back a bit. I am that "one patient". It reminds me of my mother telling me how she regretted having me. She would say this in anger during the teenage years. It's always stuck with me.

I keep wondering what this means. I am the one patient who is what? A burden? a regret? The one who won't go away? I told him I can go away at any point...just say the word. He said he didn't mean that but then why say it?

He always says assume his highest motive. Nothing is said by accident in therapy. There is always a reason behind the words. So what do I do with this? It makes me want to run and not look back. I'm sad, hurt, and confused. It's the statement I never wanted to hear and I've heard it.

I don't believe he's being mean or anything but there is a meaning to what he said. I don't want to spend my christmas focused on this but I am so far. That makes me mad too. He isn't spending his holiday focused on this...he gets to make the comment and forget about it. I get to think about it.

Oh well, it was bound to happen at some point. That I would be that "one patient".

December 16, 2009

Bundle of nerves...

What helps is some tylenol with codiene and thank god my mom had a bottle to give me. It's day two of my cycle and with all the stress I've been under it certainly takes the pain away and the edge off.

I wish it was in liquid form because it tastes awful going down. But hey, I'm not complaining. My body is falling apart literally. I got the name of a chiropractor from a girl at work. I'm going to see him. Apparently, he helps many of the people I work with so he is familiar with the stress we all go through on a daily basis.

I had my session tonight and I was all over the place as usual. Very much like my work day is...all over the place. One thing that I am thinking about is "perfection". It's an issue for me.

I cannot tolerate making mistakes. It's just not what is acceptable to me. My staff makes them and it annoys the shit out of me but I've improved in that area. I realize they will make them. Me though...not acceptable.

I will work 70 hour weeks if I have to...if it means no mistakes. T doesn't think I can keep this up. He's right that I shouldn't be able to keep this up but somehow I am. My body is reacting severely though. I didn't go into much of that tonight. It wasn't necessary but I am researching a few things to see how I can deal with some of the symptoms.

Anyway, I bought a few Kathryn Casey novels and I am reading a book called A Descent Into Hell a true crime novel...a twisted texas murder. That'll calm me down...always does!

Chow!

December 10, 2009

I'm back on track...

with my therapy and T. Again, my issues have turned me around. I thought I was through most of this but not completely.

I hate that the one person who is there for me, and has deeply cared, is the one that I still suspect of telling me it's time to go.

I'll get over this someday, I am closer than I've been in a long time. I don't know where this came from actually.

Yesterday, I had a breakdown at work over the stress of work. I was crying and shaking and my assistant saw me like that. I couldn't control it though so what could I do? This job is going to kill me eventually.

I just want to be comatose for awhile...

December 7, 2009

ending therapy

I'll start by saying this is the WORST day I've had in a long time. Everything is just falling apart right now. A bad haircut, miserable day at work, difficulties with my son and the list goes on...

So I get to my session tonight and T brings up how he thought of me today and how "committed" I am to therapy. And how it must be a long day for me twice a week. Blah, blah and blah...I can read between the lines. Just last week we talked about this and he said there was no rush and it's my decision and now this week...this comment. He's finding new and creative ways to nudge me I guess.

First, I didn't need to hear this today and second that is the last time I'll hear this. Honestly, I don't have the kind of job I used to and can't deal with the extra mental trauma. I have enough of that going on right now.

I haven't met all of my goals but nothing is 100%...so I'll go back to weekly and then go down from there. What is it a phrase in that Led Zeppelin song..."it's time to ramble on?"

If i don't do this now it'll never happen I guess. Problem is I don't want to just get pissed off and never look back. That is how I usually handle things but if the past is any indication of the future...that is what will happen.

I have felt myself pulling away from him anyway for some reason...might as well make it happen. This is the weirdest relationship I've ever been in. Today might not be the best day to evaluate all of this but I want to write this out and read it tomorrow.

The bottom line is that I refuse to feel anymore abandonment...let someone else feel it for a change. I've got enough problems...I get to decide whether or not I feel this abandonment or rejection or whatever it is that I am feeling. Anger comes to mind at the moment.

My thought tonight is if you haven't started therapy yet...think it through before you do. Once you are in it, rely on someone, trust them etc. they are in control of you.

I didn't need this tonight and but it's a sign...now let's see if I can fall asleep tonight.

December 1, 2009

mania destroys happiness

and what is happiness anyway? I'm told it comes from "within". What exactly does that mean? and how do we achieve it? If we haven't by the time we are 40 years old, will we ever achieve it?

my moods are so in the way of any happiness. I had a major episode on Sunday night which occurred during a cleaning session of the bathroom. I went nuts and I'm not really sure why. I shouldn't have been cleaning anyway with my back the way it is. I could not rest though, I was on the high I get from time to time.

we had a great vacation but a really hard ride home. I was so out of it. My head was pounding still on sunday night but I went on a cleaning frenzy at 9:00pm.

I ended up exploding on my husband and said very bad things to him. He made the connection that over the years, when cleaning I have these episodes towards him.

He blames the cleaning but I think maybe its a manic episode. I could not control my mood at all. I threatened to burn the house down, divorce him and everything in between. This was one of my worst episodes.

I should have talked about this in therapy the other night but was so drained from it that I avoided the topic. I need to go over this tomorrow. My medicines definitely put some distance between the episodes but eventually it happens anyway.

I need to learn what triggers this crap so I can try to prevent them. The next day on Monday I was drained but felt better. I did my usual apology to my husband. This is all confusing for him and agonizing for me.

Now I can feel the downward spiral coming...thinking about how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake up.

November 27, 2009

major headache

I'm still on vacation in Florida. We leave to return home tomorrow and I have been in bed all day until now with a major headache. It won't go away...I'm ready to cry.

I did forget one of my pills last night (trileptal) but that can't be it. Maybe i don't want to go home. We have an 18 hour drive ahead of us...starting early tomorrow.

My son is having a blast down here, we all have had a good time. I hate to see it end.

Happy thanksgiving everyone

November 19, 2009

Putting out fires

All I do is put out fires at work. From minute to minute I am running somewhere. Maybe it is two meetings in one day that I found out about at the last minute. Or, a phone call that has me running out to a campus for a week long unplanned project.

We already have a plan for the whole year and it must be met. I am trying to hire someone and that process is unbelievable.

Today was my last day at work before my week long vacation and the two meetings I mentioned above really cut into what I needed to wrap up. My stress level is off the charts. I get home and a VP sent me an email asking me to re-do a document by tomorrow. I can't even access the damn file to update it. I now have to have my assistant call me tomorrow on our long car ride and tell her what to type for me.

I am a visual person. I need to see what I am writing this is awful. The document is for a Board agenda and its very important. I met my deadline and all was well until this one person looked at it. So, I can't relax now. this is just insane.

I am so overloaded that I thought I saw my exboyfriend one day on the side of the road. I turned and he was gone. My eyes are foggy, my back pain is worse and my face aches...and my body all over.

I am literally breaking down little by little...I can't sleep at night even with my seroquel...i don't want to increase the dose but I might have to.

I want to scream but can't I have no more energy for even that...

November 15, 2009

mommy guilt...

I have tons of mommy guilt. Guilt that I need to work, guilt over my promotion that takes me away from my son on weekends, guilt that I am studying for my last certification, guilt that I was not able to do this before he was born, guilt that I am often too tired to play the way he wants me to...

He's only four once and someday he will be off with his friends. I want to enjoy these years with him. Once this last part of my certification is passed, that is one less distractor from him.

I tell myself that I am doing all of this for him too. Making more money helps with his college someday, seeing a mom who is an achiever rather than the mom I had growing up...but really at the end of the day...he just wants mommy.

It's so hard to balance work, personal etc. I feel like there is never enough time in the day for anything.

My to do list is growing at work and I feel like I am sinking there. I wish I could play with my son all day and just enjoy him but that doesn't happen.

He needs me and I feel like I am not there "enough". How will this affect him later I wonder?

October 27, 2009

What is real?

I don't know what is real anymore. Are friendships between men and women real? Lasting? What makes a friendship last forever? Are they supposed to last forever?

How do I know the other person feels the same way? Should I care?

My T says relationships have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Well, I guess that is it then. They all end.

Why care about someone if it is going to end? I care deeply when I do care. Maybe too deeply. I give everything I have. I'm usually left all alone in the end...they have their wives, their lives, and can take or leave me.

I keep on giving though and trying despite the hurt. I keep hoping one day, I'll have that friendship and he won't leave.

Or will he?

October 26, 2009

After we are gone...

How often would someone think of us? A few times a day, week, month or year?

I think of my aunt helen and grandparents quite often. I tell stories about them to family and friends so they "live" on. I don't want them to be forgotten, forever.

I wonder though is this the norm? I care more than the average person I think about those who have passed on in my life.

Are we ever really reunited with our loved ones? Or is it just a dream that we have? Is there life after death? Do we know that we are dead from this life?

What do we really know about death? after all we are still living... I guess this is where faith and religion come in. I am catholic and I know what I've been taught.

Is it real though? How do we know for sure? The only way to really know is to die. Right? Wrong? Maybe?

I can feel myself slipping into depression again. It starts with thoughts like these and then...I tumble farther.

These are real questions that I have though and need them answered. But they won't ever be answered until that day that I will know for sure.

October 24, 2009

Revenge

I have had an unbelievable few weeks lately. I got to fire my problem child but all sorts of other things have popped up since then. Its unreal to me how catty some women can be.

For example, just today my former boss "T" was driving in front of me as I left work. I went in for a few hours. She actually ran three red lights to get away from me. I laughed...that's right girl...run far and fast. Afraid? I hope so. You should be afterall you are trashing me to everyone you speak to.

Also today I was in former problem child's email and found that one of her friends, who used to work in our dept, found one of my pictures on line asking if I was her boss. Is she kidding me? Searching the net for my picture?

Looks like someone else needs to be scared straight. I'm telling ya, these girls are nuts...and I'm the one in therapy? Well its a good thing I am because they would all be smashed to pieces if I weren't in therapy dealing with their low class ass.

I can't help but sit here and plot revenge...the best revenge was getting rid of my problem child but apparently there are more people to set straight.

And...I will...trust me.

October 15, 2009

the reign of terror is over!

Finally my problem child employee is g.o.n.e.! Even at the last second she maintained her attitude of "I haven't done anything wrong, I am being picked on".

This is a grown woman we are talking about. She finally made a fatal mistake...falsified documents. Can't get away with that with me!

Anyway, it's been a stressful couple of days and it ended with a major stress headache but I'm feeling better now.

And, I get to hire someone too according to HR...so I'm going for it.

So on that end things are going much better but I have some things on my mind. Mostly about my weight and what I need to do there but also this feeling of disgust towards myself over the way I look and how others see me.

But for now, I'll enjoy my moment of freedom!!

October 10, 2009

my husband

I don't like him much these days. I don't like the way he is with our son at times. Tonight is a prime example. He wanted to cut some of our son's hair in the back because it was uneven.

Our son freaks uncontrollably when anyone comes near his head. All he saw was a pair of scissors in my husbands hands coming at him. It scared him. He really cried and freaked out.

My husband started yelling at him and my son cried harder. Again I ran up the stairs and my husband accused me of charging in because he's a bad father...hey I didn't say it he did...

I talked my son eventually into letting me cut his hair and it worked out. I tried to talk to my husband about how he comes off to our son but he refuses to see my point. He's perfect after all...does nothing wrong...is never wrong...must be nice...to never be wrong.

He was wrong. He comes off terribly at times and refuses to acknowledge it. Not treating my son right makes me not like him at all....

October 7, 2009

our true selves

So who do you show your true self to? Does anyone really know us? It seems for me, some close to me know various sides of me.

No one really knows "me" though. My T is pretty close to knowing all of me. But even there I hold back a little bit. Some parts are just well ugly...

I did let something out tonight about how I reacted toward this mother last weekend who raged at her daughter during a birthday party. This "mother" and I use the term loosely, was abusive verbally towards her daughter. I felt bad for this child. She sat staring...zoning out...shaking after she almost fell from a rock climbing incident and it was hard to watch.

But karma as it is...the mother ended up taking a tumble over this soda cooler that was in her way...guess she didn't see it behind her. It might have had some help in getting there but who knows right?

Abuse of children should never be tolerated. It never will be if I see it. Never. That is one side of me that can be uglier than anything. It isn't the first time this side has come out and it won't be the last time either. No regrets at all.

October 6, 2009

Pulling away from life

I feel like isolating myself again. I do not feel good at all. I'm not sick perse, I just don't feel well inside or out. I've been pulling away from life lately.

Something is definitely wrong but I can't pin point it. I told T I just might run away some day. I wasn't kidding. I have too much stress on me at work, I'm not being an involved mom or wife.

I can't keep up with anything at work or home. So what good am I doing? None. I'm always playing catch up and never actually getting caught up.

I want out. Of everything. Why can't I just be happy? Feel blessed? Enjoy my life and my son? Why? I have no idea.

Since I've been on these medicines, I've not been happy. Not once. Getting off of them is so damn hard. I feel stuck in so many ways.

Do any of us really feel well on this stuff? Really? I want to know if you do...it will give me hope.

October 2, 2009

Is bipolar genetic?

I know there is no "test" for bipolar like there is a test for diabetes.

I wonder about my dad's father. He passed a long time ago. He was an alcoholic but would disappear some times for days. He would go through what my dad called "spurts" of working 24/7 and then crashing.

He owned a masonry business. He also played minor league baseball and was a hell of a pitcher. He'd go from being somewhat quiet to intense rages. Even though my dad never acknowledges this anymore, my grandfather was extremely abusive towards his kids, most of all my dad.

My dad used to have to bail him out of jail after my grandfather was thrown in for yet another bar fight he got into. There wasn't a man alive back then that would go against my grandfather. He was brutual and in today's day, he probably would've been in prison for a long long time.

I feel intense sadness for my grandfather because he even though he was by all accounts a bad man, he suffered too. I believe he suffered from bipolar, probably type 1 not the type 2 I seem to have.

I guess it doesn't really matter but I just wonder a lot about him. He was successful, talented, and hard working. On the other hand, he was quick to anger and fight and had affairs. He medicated himself with alcohol. He never enjoyed his six kids and wife.

He didnt' see that all that he needed was right in front of him. That is sad to me.

September 30, 2009

Sadness

I feel sad today and have all day. All I could think about was what is missing in my life. Friends. All the fun and friends I used to have near me.

I usually made friends at work and there was a good size group. We always had a blast. Drinks, laughs, and fun. All I have now are memories of what used to be.

I'm 39, almost 40 and this is it? Now I don't mean that I don't love my son. I adore him and I like my husband again (giggle). But life is just different now and I'm not taking it well. My family is all in different states same with my husband's family.

It's just work, home, and back to work again with errands and chores in between.

I make friends easy enough and some of our neighbors are friends but not the close friendships I like to have.

There is just a hole in my heart for many reasons. I feel like crying for hours. Not sure it would do any good though.

I used to be someone different. I don't recognize myself anymore. I look different and I am different now. I don't like any of what I see in myself.

September 29, 2009

I hate life

I am so angry tonight. I hate my body, hate my job and well hate my life. I hate being reliant on these medicines too.

They have turned my body into something worse than what I was born with. I will never ever like my body. I hated it as a teenager and well I was very thin back then. Now? I despise it. I'm at a loss about what to do. I can't work out with my foot the way it is.

Some days I eat okay but most I don't. I'm a binge eater on top of that. I want so badly to skip all meals but I can't even skip one. I'm getting nowhere with my food issues. I've tried writing it down, tried eating less calories, tried all the pills...what now?

I have never looked this bad...never. I'm desperate and when I feel desperate I do desperate things...there is no use talking to doctors about my weight. What can they do really? Nothing.

I'm stuck in this horrid body and I can't get out. I'll never lose weight while taking this shit.

Speaking of which, I called to make an appt with a new p-doc today. I have an appointment a month from now. I'll be out of one of my medicines by then.

I want to quit all this shit and get away from relying on p-docs and pills. I never needed this my whole life...why now???

I would rather be dead than in this body...get it?

September 28, 2009

Focus please...

I could not focus tonight while in session. I must have brought up 5 topics. I feel like I'm slipping downward...and I'm terrified to go through that depressive cycle I was in a few months ago.

I can feel it though so how do I stop it now? I bring up 5 topics I guess...let me type them out so I don't forget:

1. Talked about my son and his health issues
2. Talked about my former p-doc
3. Talked about my mom, dad and mom's health
4. Talked about work and the many issues surrounding that
5. Talked about my son and him growing up

Suprisingly to me, and I think my T, when we talked near the end of the session I got chest pains. It was a discussion about sexuality I guess. Somehow we got to talking about masterbation and how a parent should normalize that for a child. I was saying that my son won't be doing those things (half joking I know he will) and then...

I felt hot, then the chest pains started...now I have a headache. It hit me on the way home. I don't feel good at all.

I guess we hit a nerve tonight.

September 27, 2009

The cycle

I like being alone probably more than most people do. So what I say. Some like being in groups all the time, some just a few friends and family. Me, I like to be alone when not with my son.

The problem lately is I feel myself becoming somewhat like my mother. She laid around all the time and didn't spend time with us. Actually, it was a good thing looking back because she was nasty and hated me anyway.

I lay around a lot but am never nasty to my son. When he needs me I jump. Even when he doesn't seem to need me, I'm there. Getting on his last nerve I suppose. Always giving him hugs and kisses. Well he's 4 so why not? Some day he will be too cool for mom so I'm eating it up now.

I don't want the cycle to continue. Sometimes I see shades of my past creeping into my parenting. When I see it I get scared and think if I really believe that I will be like my mother was to me, I'll make sure it never happens no matter what I have to do to ensure that. Even if it means leaving this life, I'll do it.

I can say with absolute certainty that this is what I am passionate about most. My son will have a different life than I had. Again no matter what...the cycle will not continue.

48 Hours Mystery...wow!

I am watching this 48 Hours Mystery show about a daughter that either participated or just watched her mother be murdered at the hands of her boyfriend.

Many of us have dabbled in drugs, been children of divorce, loved the wrong boyfriend/girlfriend, been abandoned by those who say they love us, been bullied in school, been labeled an outcast...but we do not murder anyone.

I'll never understand how kids can murder one or both of their parents. As a parent myself, I never want to imagine our son doing this to us.

All I can say is "wow"...just "wow"...

September 24, 2009

Well it's finally over

Two days without Seroquel and one day without Trileptal. It was very crazy because this p-doc would not call CVS back to get the replacement prescriptions.

I literally had to go to his office unannounced today and sit in front of him to get him to do it. He's is beyond terrible. He had the same packed office filled with patients and he was meeting with a drug rep when I got there. The nerve!! Keeping all the patients waiting while he smoozes with the drug rep.

Some other things happened too but I'm too tired to type it out. Just know that he is garbage and I am done with him.

I will call a new person tomorrow...at least I have my medicines back and even two refills on all of them except Vyvanse. They can't refill that one.

So before bed, I'll get caught up on my meds...it was so hard to get out of bed today but I managed somehow.

My husband and I made up. He felt bad and so did I for how I treated him. I told my T that it's like a different person comes out of me and takes over when I am that mad.

That's the only way I can explain it. It's not something I can control in the moment. I'm not sure why...although in front of my son I was able to pull it together...

Okay, going to check on you all now...enough about me.

September 22, 2009

More broken trust...

My husband did the ultimate to me this time. Remember my last post where I filled 90 day prescriptions and plan to find a new p-doc?

Guess what? I don't have 90 day prescriptions anymore. My husband threw away the entire bag yesterday out with the trash truck. So, I don't have any of my medicines.
That would be Trileptal, Seroquel, Vyvanse...nothing.

Just like that...nothing. It's all gone. Now I have to call the p-doc I now hate and ask him to call in another batch of 90 day prescriptions and this time, none of it will be covered by insurance.

90 days of Vyvanse and Seroquel alone will run us $1,600 because they are brand.

I said the most ugliest things to my husband tonight. How stupid he is, how careless. How dare he touch my stuff and decide to throw it away without checking. Bastard. I hate him. I threw my wedding rings somewhere in the bedroom. I asked him why he couldn't have thrown out my rings rather than my medicine. I can be the most cruel person when I get like this.

His excuse? It must've gotten caught up in another bag he was throwing away. Wow. I am dealing with a complete idiot. There is a funny twist. He is so damn cheap down to the last penny. Good for him. this will cost a fortune now. I'll laugh too as I hand him the bill.

This isn't the first insensitive thing my husband has done to me. I threw him out of our bedroom again. I hope he never comes back. That is how damn mad I am right now.

How could he do this? He sees it as a simple mistake. I see it as a deal breaker. he has put me in a terrible position. I do not ever want to see this p-doc again. Now I have to call him.

I bet this doctor won't even call in 90 day prescriptions for me which will mean that I have to see him again. I never want to do that. Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am losing it...truly losing it. I can't count on anybody anymore. Where is the common sense?

This is something I cannot forgive. How is this taking care of me...his wife? It isn't.

I told him to stay away from me until further notice. I can't even look at him. Shocked? Don't be...I become a completely different person when pushed and he pushed me.

He's regretting that now.

September 20, 2009

Trust is broken...

between my p-doc and me. Wow is all I can say. I saw him on Thursday and don't ever plan on going back. He was so inappropriate and crossed the line with me. I'll never see him again.

I've been messed up since Thursday thanks to him. I don't want to type out what happened right now. I'll just say that I've given up on psychiatry and plan to wean off all of my medicines. He did give me 90 day prescriptions so I can take my time with it.

The appointment ended with me saying "that's it, gotta go"... and off I went. I'll never look back.

Anyway, more stress at home too. My husband has come up with a house cleaning plan. I want to hire someone to clean but now the story is that he doesn't want anyone looking around in his stuff. Wrong! He doesn't want to spend the money.

My foot is still not healed. He said he'll clean until I'm healed then we can split rooms each weekend. He doesn't get it. I am not going to be Director at my job, mommy at home and house cleaner too.

The house cleaning can be done by someone other than me. It was fine to clean and I loved it before we had our son. Now what extra time I have needs to go to him not cleaning the damn house.

I swear I'm ready to move into an apartment again...he just doesn't get it. I ended up vaccuming downstairs and hurt my foot a little bit more. Vaccuming needs to be done weekly...he doesn't get that either.

So, I'm limping again. I just love the support I get at home...blah.

September 11, 2009

I'm having an orbital thought...

I keep thinking about my abandonment post and linking it with my last therapy session. Something else is happening though.

When I think about that time when I was 17 and waiting until 3:30 to call Jimmy from under the phone booth, I can actually see myself. I see what I was wearing, remembered putting makeup on my neck, can hear Melissa's voice telling me that he wanted me to call...

I've been in pain too since this memory came back. My neck and back have been hurting me. Especially my lower back. I have to get up slowly...I feel like an old woman. This all started when this memory came back. It's a bad memory with exception to Jimmy coming back.

What is going on with me? It's like an out of body experience. This goes beyond thoughts...I see myself but as I looked back then, not how I look now. This is messing with my head a little bit.

It's the first time I can remember actually seeing myself in my thoughts. It's like a live dream or something. I am not drinking anything, smoking anything other than the ocassional cigarette or two. I'm taking my meds without fail...sleeping regularly...

This all started because two sessions ago I brought up reducing sessions, as T puts it, it triggered abandonment feelings, and it must have, because the next thing I know, I have this memory that won't go away...what does this all mean?

I must be thinking too much but I can't get this thought to go away...I can't help but feel there is a reason why this memory is sticking around. I just want to reach in myself and tell my younger self (so to speak) that it's okay to let this thought go now...does any of this make any sense at all?

I'm losing it...giggle.

September 9, 2009

Thought provoking session...

So tonight I told T about the content of one of my previous posts. We talked briefly about my love for my former boyfriend Jimmy. From my point of view, its everlasting. I mean it started when we were 14 and the feelings are still there and we turn 40 this year.

anyway, he said that not all of my feelings are about Jimmy that they are about me too. My capacity to love is what he referred to. I haven't figured this out yet...usually takes me a few days to process most of what we talk about.

I do know that my feelings from Jimmy have bordered on the obsessive. More so when we were younger. I see some of why that probably occurred.

I'm just not sure yet how my feelings for him, I guess all these years, have been about me too...I'll take any help I can get figuring this out :)

September 8, 2009

Comfortably Numb...

This is my message for today.


Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

September 7, 2009

bored of being bored

I am feeling intense boredom if that makes sense. Probably because I have laid around for the last three days. My foot is still trying to heal and that isn't going well.

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I hate my job. Except for my son, I hate my life. Is this any way to live? Hell no.

Can boredom kill a person? It certainly feels as if it can and some days, I wish it would.

Little lessons

My son is learning to ride his bike without training wheels. It's hard to watch him struggle, be scared and fall to the ground. I keep telling him to get back up, kiss his boo-boo and we try again.

Little does my son know that this is what life is like. We are thrown out into the world without training wheels. We fall, get back up, and if we are lucky, someone is there to kiss our boo-boos too. If we are lucky...

Anyway, I guess I could try and learn something from my son. He gets back on the bike and tries over and over...I see him watching his friend just waiting for the moment that he "gets it" and can ride along side his friend. It's very cute to watch.

Often, when I fall, I just want to stay on the ground anymore. I mean in life not on a bike. I never used to be this way though. I was like my son and would get up and try again.

My dad says I had no fear at that age...I guess things change as we get older?

September 4, 2009

Abandonment

It's a word I learned only during my therapy process. I had to learn the word the hard way, by feeling it. Even three and a half years later, it is still here rearing it's ugly head every now and then.

My T and I have been through quite a bit because of my abandonment issues. What triggered it could be anything from him going on vacation to him seeming emotionally distant towards me in session. I absolutely hate that I even have this issue. But it's here and although it isn't as open of a wound as it once was, it is still here.

When this button gets triggered in me, I go through such pain and it turns into anger which if I get angry enough, I just bolt from the person or persons. Believe it or not, my bolting is easier to deal with, in the short term.

Then what happens is much worse. That person never leaves my mind. He is stuck there forever. It's still happening with this former boyfriend of mine that I am still in touch with. I eventually ran from him and for ten years straight, every morning, noon and night, there he was in my mind.

Some of that has changed since we started talking again. We've both healed some but the pull is still there. I thought about last night's session, T and I talking about me reducing sessions around the first of the year and then next thing I knew, Jimmy entered my head.

I remembered how we began at 14 yrs of age and then how we got back together senior year of high school. I remembered what my life was like in between those years. Years of abuse by another boyfriend that all came to a screeching halt once I heard that Jimmy wanted me to call him. I remember the day so vividly.

I was putting makeup on my neck in the bathroom at school. Covering up some bruising that my current boyfriend did to me. This girl Melissa came up behind me and she startled me. I kind of yelled at her and am so glad she didn't run from me.

She said do you remember Jim H? I remembering this numbing feeling coming over me and said yes, I do. She then said he asked me to give you his number, he's wanted to call you for a long time. She said he would be home by 3:30 any day of the week that I called.

I went to class but couldn't concentrate at all. I watched the clock obsessively. Once 3:00 hit, I ran so fast to the nearest phone booth in school. I sat near the phone just waiting for 3:30 to come.

I dialed, he answered and I said Jimmy is that you? He said yes, it's me sunshine. I was at that time, and still am, the only person who calls him Jimmy, he knew it was me.

I burst into tears and asked him what took him so long. He didn't know then what my tears were about. the years of abuse after he moved away when we dated at 14.

He told me that day, that he was never going away again. We're one person, soul mates. It took me some time to break away from Michael. That is a very long story that I can't stomach right now. Maybe a future post.

Once Jimmy and I finalized our relationship, we had two good years and then some pretty serious problems.

In short, Jimmy and I both suffer from abandonment issues. We just can't let go. One pulls away, the other wants back in. It's a cycle and one that I did run from over ten years ago.

We're not having an affair, in fact, I have seen him back home a few times. We both know we can't go there with each other. It's the point of no return. In that way, we've grown up.

So I had an emotional morning today and cried all the way to work.

Abandonment...it's an ugly feeling and word.

September 1, 2009

Tired of being tired

I just can't wake up in the morning. I sleep okay at night but this Seroquel just keeps me sleeping.

Every morning I wake up late...stopping the medication doesn't seem to be an option. What to do? I've tried to go off this medicine before but the withdrawal was too much.

Oh well...there is other stuff going on with me right now but I'm not sure I can type it out. Something has been really eating at me for awhile and I need to talk about it but can't. I feel like I'm in a private hell. I can journal about it but then worry about it some day being seen by someone.

In fact, I want to throw all my journals away. The last thing I want to do is die someday and have these journals read by anyone other than me.

I'm having weird thoughts today...weird thoughts.

August 29, 2009

Pleasure and pain...

Well we took our son to the carnival near our neighborhood last night. We had a fun time. He was adorable with his neighbor buddies (all of them around 4 years old) going on all of the kiddie rides. That was the pleasure and now my foot really hurts more than it did.

Lucky for me my friend had some left over vicodin tablets. They are helping. The podiatrist had made this foot pad thing for me and I have been wearing it faithfully but last night was a lot of walking around in shoes that are just not comfortable.

My right leg swelled up too. Not a good sign. All this and I almost got into a fight last night too. It's a long story but it was this woman bitching that our kids had cut in front of her (in the kiddie ride line). We didn't even know if she had paid or not because the ticket taker originally denied her child's armband saying she needed to go back to the ticket booth. She had loose tickets though so she stayed.

How petty some people can be. It doesn't take much for me though to go off... She pointed to my son and his little friends and said "bet you people aren't used to manners"...WHAT THE F???? I went off on her, my neighbor held me back and some other people got involved and told her off too. I won't type here what I said because it's well...pretty bad.

Finally we said to the ticket taker to please let this "princess" go ahead of us so she can get on the kiddie ride before all the kids...she gladly went and still kept chirping at us. I'm telling ya it wasn't going to be pretty but then I saw my son and how cute he was on the ride and just dropped it. It was so hard to drop it though.

I wanted to drop her. Drop her on her head...My husband and his friend were only gone for a few rides and then this happened. Oh well.

T and I have talked lately about my anger and how I can go from zero to 60 fast. Something is going to happen one of these times. My anger escalates just a little bit more each time a situation occurs.

I'm not sure what is making me angrier these days but something is. Its been a few weeks and I just feel edgy and on the brink of something. I'm not sure how else to explain it.

This last time, I didn't do anything. Neither did my son and his friends. I'm not looking for it but when the situation presents, I go off.

Ever feel like you want to move to a remote location like Montana or something and just want to leave this life behind? I do all the time lately.

August 24, 2009

Why am I obsessed about....

watching law and order, forensic files, 48 hour mystery, cold case files, the crime and investigation network, snapped, city confidential, Dateline...any show about murder and mystery!!

Am I alone here? My husband thinks I'm either weird or planning his demise...ha! I'm most likely just weird. I can't help what peaks my interest. After all, I do have about six years of fraud investigation experience so part of it is just my nature.

I've always been a curious person. What makes people tick? What makes people do the crazy things I see in these shows?

Part of my fascination with watching this stuff is it gets my mind off of my problems. I get to "think" about something else for awhile...it's my escape.

I love to escape from the realities of this life. I just wish the escape could be permanent.

August 21, 2009

It's always something

Well I now why I have been limping for a few weeks. I thought maybe I had a bunion or something on my foot but found out I have a stress fracture of the sesamoid bone.

Who knew there was such a bone, I didn't. The doctor made me a make shift cast sort of that I can take off while showering. I am trying to figure out what kind of shoe I will be able to wear while I were this pad. I just don't know what will fit!

I should have seen this doctor sooner. He said that if this bone fractures more severely it could result in surgery. A fracture of this type of bone doesn't heal...ever.

So here I am laying in bed...probably all weekend. I have to ice it 20 minutes 3/4 times per day. That part doesn't appeal to me but neither does surgery.

Of course it has to be my right foot too. the one we all need to drive...oh well like I said it's always something...

August 20, 2009

My p-doc day...sort of

I like him I really do but guess what he did to me today?

I went for my 11:30 appointment and guess what? He wasn't there! He apparently never intended to be there but the office let me make an appointment. I even called this morning to confirm my time and then said "yep you are 11:30" so I went.

Now, last time I was there, it was the usual two hour wait and he took someone in ahead of me. I somewhat blasted him but then he told me how worried about me he was and I quickly melted. I'm easy to please...

Anyway, it worked out today I got him on his cell phone and asked if he could call in my prescriptions so I didn't go through immediate withdrawal.

I literally was down to just a few pills of trileptal and one of seroquel. He agreed, was nice and then said this "if anyone else is in the office, can you tell them I won't be there today?"

WTF?? I didn't say that but wow. He's lucky I like him. He is a sweet man so all is forgiven. He said he told the office to re-schedule everyone but apparently they didn't.

He was in california seeing his son off to college...if he hadn't called in my prescriptions...not sure what I would've done.

August 19, 2009

The switch in my head...

went off tonight while in session with T. It's a good thing the session was nearing the end when it happened. I was boiling over and it was only going to get worse.

I noticed somethiing tonight. Today was rainy and muggy, prime for headaches for me. I went in to session with a headache and not in a good mood. When a few factors hit me at the same time, that is when the switch goes off. This time, it was about some girl at work but in the past it has been about other stuff.

So what is the "switch" well I like to say it is when the other me comes out. The one who was out quite a bit when I was a teenager. The one my high school principal said would be in jail some day.

I'm not sure I blame him for that comment anymore, after all, he got to see the other me first hand. The fights in school with the other girls, the look of death I would give to him or others in authority who I felt abused by. I cleared off the top of his desk with one swoop of my hand...okay it wasn't that big of a desk!

For a time, certain girls would turn around and walk away when they saw me coming.

I remember once when I was working at this one place, this woman had said some stuff behind my back and I found out and confronted her. She said I gave her the look of death and scared her. I smiled. Seems out of place doesn't it? A smile when someone says they fear me?

It's not that I don't fear anything or anyone, of course, I have. Certain men in my life have certainly scared me. I know fear, so why don't I feel anything towards some who fear me? Well, let me say that if it was someone I cared about, I would feel awful that he or she feared me. I guess I am referring to strangers or those I am not close to. But they are still human aren't they? Sure...but I feel nothing.

I am on the brink of some deeper meaning to all of this...I just can't figure out tonight with my headache...maybe when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be myself again.

I wonder what T is thinking about this session...he probably isn't shocked...perhaps he knew all this would come out eventually. I know now trust has been established between him and I. Or I wouldn't have felt comfortable to voice some of the feelings i did tonight.

My head hurts too much...good night!

August 18, 2009

Weight Gain and Psychiatric Drugs

Well, I feel stable but I'm fat so how is this helping me? Body image is a huge issue for me. When I started therapy I was fat, then lost a good amount of weight and now ever since the mood stablizer/anti psychotic class of drugs, here I am fat and really hating my body even more than I did before. I never thought it was possible to hate my body even more but it is.

So what are we to do? Feel mentally unstable but be thinner? This just isn't fair at all. It's a cruel joke and I'm not laughing.

I started exercising and then my right foot started hurting so I can't now. I don't think it would help anyway. This weight gain is here to stay thanks to these drugs.

has anyone successfully lost weight while taking these drugs? I'd love to hear from you before I jump from the nearest building...I'm only half kidding about that too.

What does the psychiatric community suggest here? I'd love to know!

August 15, 2009

Being Grateful

Why can't I just be grateful for what I have? I read my last post and all I see is anger, regret and not the person I really am down inside.

My husband was still wrong, he never sees it, but so what? I can't change him, just myself. My son is the most important person in my life. I want so much to give him a good life. I don't want him in therapy some day working through baggage like I do. I don't want him on powerful prescription drugs that he can't get off of.

I need a damn rehab to get off of these drugs. I didn't need them my whole life. Why now? I know part of my mood swings are because of these drugs. I take them regularly now and have for a while but still, I don't feel normal on them.

I want more for my son than this life that I have. I'm not really living life. I go to work for my son, I wake up every day for my son. None of it is for me. I couldn't care less about my life. Isn't that sad?

I know it is sad. Life is meant to be lived and lived as good as we can. But I find it very difficult to do that. Between my hatred for my job and my marriage in the state it is in half the time, why would life be worth living for me? I can't change either of those situations at the moment.

Well, I can change jobs in fact I am keeping my eye out. But I'm not sure I'd find one right now at the salary I get now.

So can I find a way to just be grateful for all that I have? Including my job and marriage? I'll try to focus on being grateful this week and see how I feel.

August 13, 2009

I am so damn angry

At my husband. I can't get through to him. He constantly pushes my buttons. No matter how many times I tell him we cannot argue in front of our son, he does it anyway. Well what he does is pushes my buttons so I yell at him. Tonight my son told me to "shush up"...

My husband didn't say one damn word either. I had to tell our son not to talk to me that way. But what he sees is me freak out after daddy dearest pushes my buttons. I have had it.

It all started when my husband assumed I would take our son to swim practice on friday. I don't have my truck back yet from the shop and I have a few appointments tomorrow. He didn't ask me he told me that he thought I would take him.

He knows how much this pisses me off when he assumes anything. I have a full day tomorrow and no idea when my truck will be ready. I am on vacation this week and am supposed to be enjoying it but it has been disastrous.

Nothing has gone right this week. I am now dealing with pain in my right hip and leg from a fall last night. I still have things to do tomorrow and my husband tries to add to it.

Why be married? Why be in a relationship at all? the more I get to know people the more I want to isolate myself. If I could run away I would.

Nothing is helping me anymore. I spend my life now being drugged just to function, I hate my job, and hate my life. I don't know how I got here but I want out.

It's time to make some drastic decisions.

August 11, 2009

I'm on vacation finally!

Today was an interesting day sort of. Started out doing absolutely nothing and ended it with a hot stone massage! I've had better but it was nice to finally have one again.

I'm learning that sitting around with time on my hands can work against me a little bit. My mind starts to wander and this is where I can get into trouble sometimes...

Anyway, not much on the agenda for tomorrow except my session. I need to get my truck worked on in the morning and maybe I'll find something fun to do later on.

So the question of the week is "is it best not to be home with plenty of time to think"? Am I the only one with this question in mind? I tend to obsess about what I've done wrong at work or how parts of my marriage are not satisfying...

Maybe working all the time isn't such a bad thing...then I can forget everything I don't want to face.

August 7, 2009

Boiling over...

I am ready to scream!! I've had the worst week. A conference that made me feel like an outcast, an argument with my problem child employee, a 2 1/2 hour meeting today, I need to give a presentation tomorrow at 8am for work and a huge meeting on Monday that I am not ready for.

I can feel my anxiety just boiling over. It's always something damn it. Then I come home and find that my son has a huge bump on his head. He fell at school apparently another kid pushed him. On his head! He has epilepsy and I am sensitive about his head. As any mother would be anyway.

To top it off my boss has not approved my vacation for next week. What? Does he think I am made of steel or something? I haven't taken a couple days off in almost a year. Other than a few sick days.

I'm ready to boil over truly...how much can one person take? Well, at least my medicine combination has leveled out. I don't feel so medicated anymore on the Seroquel.

I started looking for a new job the other day...I found a few things but now I need the time to actually pursue them. I need to find a way to go on vacation next week. Good lord whose boss does not approve a vacation that I have plenty of time to take????

August 1, 2009

Latest pictures of my mother

My mom has stage 4 cancer and she sent some pictures today of her. I just saw them and wow, I wasn't expecting the dramatic change in her appearance. She sent some pictures before and I didn't look at them but this time I did.

Her best friend Edna came to visit her for a week in Florida. So I wanted to see Edna and mom was next to her in the picture. I guess I just didn't want to see her reality. I tend to back off from any harsh reality and have been doing this when it comes to my mom.

We have a weird relationship. It isn't close but it isn't non-existent either. There is a long history between she and I and most of it isn't pretty. She's different now in a lot of ways but I haven't been able to just let it go and try and be close. Judging from the pictures, time is getting near for her I think.

I am taking some vacation time but it is to do nothing, get some sleep and get some things done that I haven't been able to get done.

We are planning to see my mom in Florida for thanksgiving...all three of us plan to go but the airfare is astronomical. It could be her last holiday though so we'll go.

I can't type much more, I burned my hand earlier today and I need more ice...it is always something. More later

July 26, 2009

Back injury...

Who knew picking up my four year old would strain a muscle in my back? Apparently, I am naive...this happened a few hours before our flight back from chicago today.

Talk about pain! I have to try and sleep propped up won't this be fun tonight. These bengay pain patches seem to work a little bit along with Aleve. What I really need is another day off but no dice. I must be back to work this week to get this monster project over with.

I burst into tears after this happened today. It's always something. My husband and I had just committed to losing weight together which means working out and eating right and now this happens. I can try and eat right but honestly working out is all that will truly work for me. Now that is out for who knows how long.

I have never felt this kind of pain and I know part of it is because I am overweight. My body feels like is breaking down and I know this is part of what happened. I've picked up my son quite a bit and never had a problem. Being overweight causes so many problems. I'm out of breath. I can't even clean the house the way I'm used to cleaning it. My body aches all over half way through.

Anyway, my husband thinks my back was vulnerable because of all the dancing we did at his parents 40th wedding anniversay saturday night. He's probably right. I couldn't dance the way I used to that is for sure. I could feel my weight just bringing me down all night long. The video looks god awful of me. I refuse to watch it. I don't want any pictures of me printed either. then today, I pick up my son and wham...I could feel the strain as it happened and I went down to the ground.

I'd ask why this stuff always happens to me but why bother...it won't change anything. So once again, my emotional state is on it's way downtown...I should be used to it by now.

July 22, 2009

No T for ten days :(

He's on vacation for ten days...I know...he deserves a vacation :) It still won't be easy I have been going twice a week for quite a while. Of course, with healthcare reform looming, I betcha that won't be happening anymore. I hope I don't regret my vote for Obama!

Anyway, at my last session earlier this week, T was pushing me a little bit. A somewhat common ocurrence when he is about to take off for a week or so. Not sure if he realizes that but I know it.

We were talking about my relating to this new higher up at work. She said some things that made me pause and I was trying to explain it to T. He pointed out that I have some insecurities (no really?) and therefore, read more into her discussion with me than she probably intended.

I am the master of feeling those hidden indirect messages but she probably wasn't doing that with me. He's right there...I'm not sure why I was afraid to hear much from him this week after all that is what I am going there for...I guess I just get nervous because some of his vacations have not been good for me. We go too deep and I go off the deep end for over a week.

So, I was trying to control the session...me a control freak? never! I heard him though and I'm thinking it through. He doesn't validate my believing in these hidden messages...maybe because they aren't really there? His message to me was assume her highest motive.

I can do that with him after three years of therapy...how do I do this with new people in my life??? That is the million dollar question. I tend to make people keep proving themselves to me over and over again...not good eh?

July 21, 2009

Still sick and stressed...

I have been dragging myself out of bed, to work, to doctor appointments and I'm leaving Thursday and still sick! I feel so run down it's crazy.

My son and husband and there and have been since Saturday. I miss them especially my baby!! I talk to him several times a day and he sounds so happy which is good. I wish I was experiencing his day with him. He went on a train to downtown today and to the Sears Tower to sit on the glass balcony.

He was so excited to tell me about it and he sang me a song too. I miss my baby that is for sure. I had the worst day at work today and almost lost it but I had another doctor appt so I had to gather myself up and get there.

I'm so afraid of failure at work that every time something comes up that makes me the least bit uncomfortable...I want to quit. Making me realize over and over that working is just not for me or at least in a high level position...

I try to get out of this negative cycle by recalling past conversations about all of this with my T or my husband etc. It helps a bit but something has changed in me.

I used to be gunho about studying for this one certification I have left and reading up on industry news etc. I can't even look at any of it anymore without feeling sick. Isn't that weird?

I'm not into it anymore this job has killed my ambition. It's all the pressure to succeed, to make it through one more day. Pressure and bipolar??? That seems like a good topic to banter around with...

Will I ever be normal enough to handle pressure???

July 17, 2009

Sick...

I've been sick since Wednesday night. My throat is on fire and I still have work to do. I took this morning off but have back to back meetings this afternoon. I hate that I can't just take a day and rest.

My family leaves tomorrow for Chicago and I join them later in the week. It will be lonely without them. I hate especially when my son is gone. He's my angel and I worry about him being away from me. Like if I'm not there something bad will happen to him.

Flying these days seems like a terrible option with all the crashes etc. I hate flying anymore and hate that they are flying without me. I wish I could go now too but this damn project I'm working on takes precedent.

All I want to do is sleep today as sick as I feel....wish I could.

July 12, 2009

obsession

has anyone seen this tv show? I saw a few episodes. Its about patients with OCD and they work with exposure therapists to overcome their compulsions. Patients are put in situations where they have to face their anxiety and not do whatever their compulsion is.

On a smaller scale I feel like I did this today. I was starting to slip into depression again, I could feel it. My husband said he and our son we're going to the YMCA we just joined a month ago.

I wanted so badly to stay in bed where I was and just sleep. I was watching this show and thought I should just get up and join them and see if I felt better. I did feel better. I was moody at first but once we got to the Y and went into the pool, I did feel better. I used to swim all the time when I was younger. My parents had us join the local pool and we spent summers swimming and had a great time.

Going to the Y brings back some of those memories. It was nice to throw our son back and forth in the pool listening to him say "do it again" or "lets do the turtle" and he'd hop on our backs and swim back and forth. Once I got home I showered then went over to my neighbor's house she just had a baby girl. I spent about an hour there before I brought her son back to our house to play with our son. They are close friends...

None of this would have happened if I hadn't gotten out of bed. Every day is still a struggle but I am trying harder to force myself to not just lay around. I hope I can continue to pull myself together when I need to.

Of course, thinking about going back to work tomorrow I can feel some anxiety building up. I hate this job especially after Friday and an incident that happened but I will get up tomorrow and go back.

Once this project is done that I am working on I need to put my resume together but I'll think about that later when I can do something about it.

I'm taking on day at a time...it's all I can do right now.

July 8, 2009

Laughing fit...

Today was so crazy all I could do was laugh. I go through periods of what I call laughing fits. I get so overwhelmed and either contemplate suicide or go into these laughing spells. I can't stop and I must look silly.

I had three bad meetings today and one of them made me miss my session with T. This manager was yelling at me and my auditor over some audit findings and the lady was truly crazy. I felt bad because she shakes I don't know if it is parkinson's or what but she had this shrilly scream and it was unbelievable how she tried to blame us for everything wrong with her world.

Anyway, I was so undone that I couldn't stop laughing with my employee over how this woman was coming down on us (it was unfounded totally) and I couldn't stop. the more my auditor laughed at me the worse I got. My stomach was hurting!

I'm all extremes I swear with laughing, crying, wanting to die etc. Last night I was so angry and couldn't fall asleep, I woke up in a really bad mood and the day just got out of hand and then the laughing spell...

While laughing my makeup totally filled my eyes and my eyes were burning, I had to grab my makeup remover and practically dump it into both eyes...my auditor and I just laughed the whole time...crazy.

I wish I could say that well at least I was laughing but this type of laughing doesn't seem normal to me. I really had to work hard not to break out laughing in this meeting late today...I almost couldn't control myself and for sure this woman would have kicked us out.

Maybe I'm over analyzing who knows. At least I didn't want to jump from the nearest bridge.

July 5, 2009

Something's up

I've been sitting here today thinking something bad is going to happen. I don't know if it is to me, about me or someone close to me.

All day off and on I have felt this darkness. I'm not depressed much today, it's a different feeling. I don't know if it means anything, I hope not.

I've been jumpy when the phone rings, too much noise, easily startled...on edge but not panicky like before. I'm not sure what is up.

My mom isn't well...could be her or it could be nothing. I'm hoping it is nothing.

July 2, 2009

For MJ

I'm watching your 30th anniversary special. I had watched it back when it came on for the first time. I'm not sure why this had to happen but here we are without you and your music. There will never be another you.

I'm having a delayed reaction to all of this. It takes time for me to process tragic events and for me, I consider your passing tragic. The same thing happened on 9/11, it took me a few days and then when the shock wore off the deep sadness struck me as I lost a friend that day. I'm having similar feelings now.

I know you're in a better place and someday we'll meet unless I'm turned away at the gate...

June 30, 2009

Relief at last!

Finally, some light at the end of the tunnel. could my depression finally be lifting? I hope so!

T had a great idea last night to taper back on the Vyvanse so I took 30mg twice today rather than 70mg at once. I also didn't drink coffee I had green tea and honestly I feel a ton better today.

I'll probably go back a little further on the Vyvanse but slowly. Apparently stimulant medications cause problems for bipolars. My p-doc mentioned it early on but prescribed 100mg in total daily. I myself got rid of the afternoon dose and that is when I started to realize Vyvanse might be part of the problem.

I'm confused a little bit because for the past three years ADD has been part of my diagnosis but T says although I have some symptoms of ADD, I'm more bipolar.

I guess they are on the same spectrum and it's hard to tell. Medications can certainly bring this to light. I just wish it would've been sooner but at least I know now.

Coffee has played a major role by piling on more stimulation on top of the Vyvanse. So, I'm switching to tea from now on. I definitely feel like I'm on an upswing but need to be careful not to be overconfident...I'm trying to sense the hypomania phase since I get into trouble when that starts.

The Trileptal is working at 750mg daily and 50mg of Seroquel. The weight gain is hard to deal with but maybe now I have the energy to start my exercise program. I've been eating better so I am slowly making some changes.

I hope the depression is behind me for a long time, god that was awful how long that went on. I can see it in my blog entries.

Also last night I asked my Aunt H, who passed when I was a child, to help me and look over me. She has helped me in the past when I really needed her so maybe she is part of the reason I'm on an upswing too.

Who cares what the reason is I just want it to LAST!

June 27, 2009

isolation

other than a baby shower I had to attend today and dinner with my husband and son, I've been in this bed. I'll be here tomorrow too. I can barely move.

I stopped taking Seroquel for now and even vyvanse. Just taking trileptal and my sleeping pills. Honestly, I don't want to wake up tomorrow. It just means there is a Monday and back to that hell hole of a job.

Is there a way out of this mess? My head, body and soul are gone, there is a just a shell left now. I told my husband I don't think I can go back to work. Lets just sell the damn house, get used cars and live simple.

He didn't like that conversation and said he didn't go to college to live in an apartment. I'm just bringing him down at this point. He should have married someone else.

Happy six year wedding anniversary to us...I just want to isolate myself from the world. I'm letting everyone down and I can't get back up. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I've never been as bad off as I am right now. I'm about to let my son down too if I can't go back to work. I have no energy to even look for a new job. Nothing. Barely enough energy to type here.

That's all I have today. Back to bed. Hope you all are doing better than me.

June 24, 2009

Tomorrow is the day from hell...

I have court in the morning and a mandatory meeting later in the day. My boss approved my day off and then scheduled this damn meeting.

I have been dreading it for two weeks. Two mandatory activities that might just collide if the tide isn't on my side. The tide is rarely on my side these days.

Neither of the activities are changeable. If I have to leave court before I get my chance at deferred adjudication (traffic ticket) then my record is ruined and I'm not sure if I can really leave court once I start it.

At least I took a shower tonight so I don't have to get ready much in the morning. I absolutely hate being overbooked. The stress is incredible. Life is too fast for me anymore I don't have the energy to get out of bed let alone do what I have to do tomorrow.

It's always something anymore. Traffic tickets, accidents, work shit, obligations like baby showers etc. Can't I just sit home alone and do nothing? This is how melt downs start with me.

I had a good session with T tonight. He makes me laugh and I needed that tonight. Of course he also got me to somehow commit to one hour on the treadmill three times a week. I was complaining about my weight and how I used to be hot. So, we have a plan for me to get on the treadmill. Of course, smoking like I do is a problem. Maybe this is what I need to finally quit. I know smoking is really zapping my energy along with my weight.

I'm just not taking care of myself and I haven't for a long time. I lost my way somewhere along the line. Question is can I start over and stick to it? That remains to be seen...

If and this is a big if, my day tomorrow doesn't kill me, I'll get on the treadmill...

June 21, 2009

fake it til you make it

I've heard this phrase a lot. Does saying this to ourselves really help? I've been faking it for years and often don't feel any closer to "making it".

I don't want to be a downer for those this works for. It just seems that this idea that all of us can be helped by thinking positive thoughts puts more pressure on those of us who can't.

In my case, can't doesn't mean won't. I would truly love it if I could just think positive and the pain would go away.

I was just reading a couple articles about this concept and I'm more depressed because I can't live up to some of what I read. I hope that many people can be helped by changing thought patterns when they really need it. It just doesn't work for me. I have tried many times. I have found that music helps or taking a drive but the thoughts continue to cycle no matter what I'm doing.

It just has to run its course for me. Also what helps me is watching lifetime movies that are depressing like today on father's day almost every movie has been depressing and about murder or mayham it's actually lifting my mood.

I'm weird I know. You would think that the opposite would happen it would sink me further. My husband is shaking his head at me right now. He says he's depressed watching this depressing movie but I'm feeling better...whatever works I guess :)

Music therapy...

I am finally listening to my own music on this blog. I put it there for anyone who might like it. I also put it on my blog to inspire me, or bring me out of intense depression.

I haven't been taking advantage of it until today. I'm not sure why but at least I am finally listening to it now.

I especially like Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow...there is just something about this song. From the beat to the words, I can relate to it.

But then there are the silly songs from the 80's and prior to the 80's that are still enjoyable to me. Footloose, freebird...etc

Maybe I am coming out of my depression finally. Perhaps the new higher dose is working some. I feel somewhat normal today!

June 20, 2009

zoning out...

I've lost a lot of time today just sitting around zoning out. Is this a common bipolar type thing to do?? I don't see it listed in any of the common symptoms.

My son asked me what I was looking at...he's four and is noticing more than I'd like him to notice. His words are what startled me out of it. I don't know how long I was sitting there like that and I don't remember what I was doing before it happened. What if he had gotten hurt? Luckily he was playing on the floor in my room when he asked me what I was looking at.

My husband needed to get out today and tonight so he isn't here. I don't want to watch my son alone until I understand more about what is happening to me. I've been napping on and off and it's hard for me to move out of a position that I'm in.

I'm breaking apart literally...

June 19, 2009

A year ago...

I was better off a year ago. I wasn't as depressed, I wasn't as fat, my hair looked better, my job was better (we didn't have a boss pretty cool), I wasn't having major medicine issues like now, I could smile, laugh, joke around like my normal self.

Now I see myself and I hate what I see. I need to quit smoking next. I don't drink, not that I had a problem with it. Smoking is probably zapping a lot of energy. I haven't kept up with doctor appointments except T and p-doc. I haven't managed to take any of the vitamins I am supposed to take or keep up with the blood work.

I make doctor appts then either forget them or cancel last minute. I just go to what I really need. Although, I need the others too but they aren't related to mental health.

I've had several car accidents, just finished defensive driving and spent my lunch hour today mailing everything off. Certified mail. What do you bet somehow that gets screwed up. I go to court this week for another ticket.

Our car insurance has doubled but I'm not shopping anymore. I don't have the desire or energy. I used to care about makeup and hair...not anymore.

I am definitely worse off this year than last. Where did it all go wrong? the job for starters...meds? marriage? I have no desire for sex of any kind or even affection.

I just want to be left alone. How long can I live this way? I need to work this weekend my husband says not to. It's hot as hell where we live, it's smothering.

I didn't take the afternoon dose of vyvanse and I don't feel as panicky. I wish I would have figured this out before I spent an additional $150 on a 90 day supply.

I know how I want to feel but it's just out of reach right now. Out of reach.

When will my mood change?

I want out of this depressive cycle that I am in. How long can it continue really? How long can I continue in this way? It feels like it will never end. How does one become happy in spite of what goes wrong in our lives?

This is crazy...maybe the problem is I haven't had a martini in months...might be something to that eh? I was happier when I drank seriously.

They say not to drink and take the drugs that we do...but what if we do? Ha! It might be the cure we're all looking for.

June 18, 2009

More med changes

Okay the latest cocktail. Increased Trileptal to 750mg, 50mg of Seroquel short acting and my normal 100mg of Vyvanse. I think the extra 30mg of Vyvanse might be part of my problem. I noticed today that I was feeling okay until after taking the afternoon dose.

I need the concentration though so not sure what to do there. P-doc said to quit my job for the second time in a row. Not a bad idea necessarily. I just don't see that working right now.

I'm stuck, stuck, stuck. Story of my life in many ways.

June 17, 2009

Downward spiral

I saw T tonight and was definitely not at my best. He seemed frazzled at the end but can't say I blame him. When I'm feeling hopeless and useless it's hard to hide it. Usually I can mask it a little bit so I'm at least open to possibilities. Not tonight. I couldn't even manage a half smile.

Part of me screams to just pull myself together and another part, a more domineering part, just brings me down deeper.

I feel close to a breakdown very close. My husband says to take the weekend off and not think about work. I guess I could try that but my brain won't shut off. I have no quality of life right now...none.

All I have is pressure, deadlines, more pressure and a huge learning curve that seems insurmountable. I'm a downer on everyone and don't see a way out. The only way out is to make this all work somehow at my job.

I've only been in this new position since spring and I'm ready to throw in the towel. I won't even go into the medicine issues...again.

Everthing seems hopeless and dark...with no way out except work it out. That doesn't seem possible from where I'm sitting.

I can multi-task but can't seem to utilize any effective time management process. I want to please everyone at work so I take on more than I can handle. I'm trying to change that but now one person is mad at me. And actually most of my job is just plain old unmanageable.

My boss scheduled a mandatory meeting on a day I was supposed to be off. T blamed me for not being assertive. Politically, I know there was no being assertive with my boss. I know his MO by now.

He didn't ask me if I was available for this meeting so the decision was made. Period. End of story.

I can't quit because of the money...T mentioned disability but that will make me feel worse. So I can hope for a terminal illness right? That seems to be the only option left. That an the obvious...

June 13, 2009

How much better am I really?

After years of medicine and medicine changes? Honestly, I think back to before all this medicine and I was able to work, deal with life and survived some pretty horrible times. Med free.

Now, I am overweight, unsocial, miserable, overwhelmed, over-medicated and just plain desperate at times just to get out of bed in the morning. The thought of trying to change meds again scares me.

Might as well just deal with the cocktail I have now but for how long? It's been a few weeks and I'm not better. Not by a long shot. I almost give up.

I saw pictures of myself from just a year and a half ago and I looked more vibrant than I do now. My husband says I'm worsening and he's right. I can barely do anything but sit around the house. I used to clean constantly and can't even pick up a mop anymore.

Could be the job, could be my marriage too with our problems but I believe the meds are doing more harm than good at this point.

I'd almost rather live with the highs and lows of my moods than sitting here like a zombie hating life. So far with all my problems, I've managed to stay out of a hospital. I'm not sure I'll be saying that in the future. I just have a bad feeling about where I am headed.

I still have SI feelings all the time. It never ends...a cycle of darkness.

June 10, 2009

lost and confused

I wish I had some good news for my blog. I look at my last several posts and its the same thing over and over. It is so hard for me to navigate life these days. At every turn there is another challenge to try and overcome. When does it end? Ever? Never?

I drug myself up just to sleep anymore. It is a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm in a terrible never ending cycle. If I wasn't in therapy twice a week I'd be much much worse if that is possible. I wish I could channel T's positive outlook on life. He's happy, content and together. I'd love to be like that some day.

My entire adult life so far has been miserable. Some of my doing, some of it bad luck and the rest done to me by others. I got some troubling news today that might affect my job so now I'm trying to figure out if I leave on my own, on my own terms and wait for the anvil to drop on my head.

I just don't know how much time I have to make this decision. It's always something with me. Not even a calm before the storm, just a storm all the time.

T talked today about suffering and how we let it take us over and not enjoy life. But how? I need to think about that some more.

June 5, 2009

worst day yet

Not much to say today only that it is the worst day I've had since changing medicine. Everything sucks, life sucks and I want out. I'm hoping my seroquel knocks me out and if it doesn't, I'll take another one. I want this day OVER

June 1, 2009

I have a plan...

I'm going to play hookie on Friday. I need a day to myself to write letters, buy some cards and get in touch with those close to me and tell them how important they are. I've isolated myself for so long and much is unsaid between me, my friends and family.

Why not spend a whole day making up for it? I have this friend picture frame to mail to my friend W back home. Its been sitting in my room for months. I have seen cards at the store for other friends, I want to get them. They are musical cards and I like to match them to the personalities of my friends and family.

My son the most important person in my life. I wish he could understand me on a different level. He's only four years old. Our conversations are about his artwork at school, his neighbor buddy and his latest favorite food. I have so much I want to tell him. I thought of doing a video for him to capture this moment in time. Some day he can watch it and laugh at what mommie put together for him. We have a camera I just need to get up the courage to put something together.

So there it is, the date is set...Friday it is and it will be a good relaxing day.

May 28, 2009

Med cycle continues

Thank you everyone for your kind words and words of wisdom. I was reading here even though I didn't type back. I couldn't manage to do much but read and logoff.

I am a little more hopeful today. At least p-doc understood that Abilify is driving me insane so that was good. I was afraid he wouldn't for some reason.

Now I'm on 600mg of Trileptal, 50mg of Seroquel XR, and 100mg of Vyvanse (split between two doses daily). Seroquel definitely worked last time I was on it but the weight gain wasn't good. He said the XR version is a little better. Trileptal shouldn't have any panic or weight gain side effects.

With Seroquel I shouldn't need the Ativan anymore which is good. I am hopeful about Trileptal we talked for quite awhile about it. My husband takes Tegretol and this is the "brother" to Tegretol but is the improved version he said.

At first I was nervous he didn't have other options because he said antidepressants are out with me having bipolar. He doesn't want to go there and I can understand that. I've tried so many other medicines and had bad side effects and he finally settled on Trileptal. I like that he takes his time to think before he just suggests a medicine like my last p-doc would do. There was not a plan with her and she didn't talk much about the medicines and would just use me as a lab rat basically.

I should've left her sooner but we live and learn don't we? Anyway, I really hope this works because I've been beyond depressed with SI. I made a huge step today I actually told p-doc about the SI and I usually don't let on about that but I was that bad off so I told him.

My T is the only person I trust with SI discussions. He doesn't overreact and is not afraid of talking about it with me.

Anyway, I just hope the panic attacks are long long gone. I'll know tomorrow or in a few days I guess.

May 24, 2009

shattered mirror

That is what I feel like anymore. A shattered mirror. Everything I thought I was is gone now. I'm not a good wife, mother, sister, friend, boss, person or even patient.

Each crack in the mirror represents everything I am not. The cracks are widening and I am powerless to stop it. My depression is deeper than it has ever been. It feels like there is no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing but darkness.

Last night, I took a few Ativan to calm down and I feel like doing it again. I can't keep relying on medicine though. I'm up, down and sideways on this shit...all of it.

I know where I'm headed and I'm almost okay to be there. Every day I get closer and closer to being okay with it. I was holding my son last night and crying a little bit. Part of me wants to see him grow up, the real me. The other part says not a chance...you'll never make it.

I'm not taking care of myself, having car accidents, overeating, overstressing, smoking, panicking...at least I am not drinking. Have no desire to drink, I just want to lay here and wither away.

Is he better off with me, or without me? Now that is a loaded question.

I say without me...I can only hide my despair for so long from him. He's going on five this year...he will start to know something in mommy is fk'd up. Other moms aren't like mine is he'll say...just like I said about my mom.

I can't handle anything anymore. Nothing. I have to get off of this Abilify...I really think it is the culprit. It's only 5mg though...I don't know what to do anymore about anything.

I'm beyond anyone's help...what more can be done at this point? Try another damn medicine? what for?? It won't help, nothing has.

May 23, 2009

one mistress and no master!

I watched the movie Elizabeth last night and this phrase caught my attention. I can't wait to watch the golden age, I rented that one also. These were at the suggestion of my T.

He always has good movie recommendations and seems to know which ones will mean something to me. This is what I need to say at work..."there shall be one mistress and no masters!"...

Yeah if only it worked as easy as it does in the movie. These movies are getting my mind off work and my mom's failing health. She's in chemo and may not make it through she says. Hospice is involved in her care which isn't a good sign but then again she lives alone in another state.

Some strong emotions are starting to boil in me about her but I'm controlling them. I started to cry a little today but pulled myself together. I said out loud to myself, I don't like this woman anyway...what's my problem.

I guess bottom line she's my mother. I don't want to feel the wave of emotion that I fear I am about to. I'll do anything to stop it. That's how I am...it works for me. I'm too busy and stressed out to cry anyway.

I'd love to quit my job most hours of the day and other hours...I'm okay.

Something is seriously wrong with me. My level of panic and anxiety is outrageous. Bipolar II is the diagnosis but is there something else? Who panics the way I do about just everything????

I want to be normal...whatever that is...and handle a work day like a real director and not a silouette of one...is that possible damn it?

How are the rest of my blog friends doing? I'll go check out your pages right now!

May 16, 2009

What else is there to do?

About my weight issue. I just have no idea anymore. Time for exercise is null not with this job. Abilify makes me nutty and hungry. Well, actually taking 5mg consistently has helped my mood but the puffiness around my middle area just makes me absolutely miserable.

My neighbors are bugging me to get pregnant. They are all pregnant and having their second child and I laughed and said "can you see I am pregnant"...joking of course but that is how puffy I am. I could pass for a few months pregnant now.

My T would say do something about it or accept it. I don't know what I can do about it right now and I'll never accept it. So I have to find a way to do something about it.

Surgery sounds good about right now. Just take it all off!

May 12, 2009

aaaaahhhhh!

I want to scream! But I don't...I smile at work all day long and somehow pull off that I can handle myself and my work. With T last night, we talked about how I feel like a failure in my new job.

I know almost everyone has some form of work stress but add my mental health issues and well, how do I get out of bed every morning...the jury is still out on that.

This one project I am working on keeps escalating in email at work...more and more people copied on complaints back and forth about this huge issue I unearthed. I learn more and more with each email that I can't conclude on the damn report!!

I want to reply all and scream "stop the madness"...seriously...there is not enough alcohol in the world for this job. On that note, I think I'll go and enjoy some of that downstairs...ha! Anyone wanna join me?

May 10, 2009

Abilify...

I don'tknow what to do now. Even 2-5 mg of Abilify makes me feel like jumping out of my damn skin. I'm depressed and have SI and have been through so many medicines. I give up. What now?

Today my left hand started twitching too. I don't see p-doc until the 28th and here I am again left with no working medicine other than Vyvanse and Ativan. A friend in my group said to try Lithium. I'll have to do some research I don't know anything about Lithium. He said its the old "standby" but isn't sexy like the new drugs are so it doesn't get pushed like Abilify and others.

I'll suggest it to p-doc and see what he says...have to wait until the 28th though if I can. Work is a bitch right now and so is everything else in my life...aaaah!

May 7, 2009

Stress and body aches

Stress is a killer and I can feel it taking my body over. I have problems with my right leg. For a long time, I didn't have any pain and swelling and its back again.

It can only be the stress I'm under. Just touching my leg hurts. I have had two blood clots in this leg and I'm only 39. I'm back to elevating it and haven't done this in at least a year.

I'm working a lot of hours and trying to juggle so many projects. I literally don't sit down for long. Maybe that is it too. Where is the rest? Not in this new job. I know there is a settling in period. A brand new manager with all my mental health issues, a family etc.

I don't know how to handle "new" stress. Change is terrifying for me it always has been. I'm also feeling the lack of therapy this week. My T has been out and I definitely feel it...all over inside and out.

That's it for now...

May 2, 2009

where is the real me?

I haven't been able to blog about my last session with T and I wasn't sure why. I usually can but I was in such a deep depression and close to a breakdown I think I just wanted to forget it for the first few days.

He said a lot of things that didn't sink in right away. Now that I've calmed a little bit I can think. He asked where the real me was because lately I have just been this empty shell (my words).

I'm letting everything get to me and he said I was turning anger on myself. He's right. He also said when I said I was close to a breakdown that I just want to go off to the spa somewhere. I thought it was funny at the moment but actually I shouldn't have laughed that isn't how I really felt.

I'm not referring to his comment but how close I was to just checking myself in somewhere. Is it running and hiding? Perhaps but it was an honest feeling and why I brushed it off with laughter in front of him I don't know.

I guess there is a still a part of me that will not have a break down in front of him or anyone that I know anyway. There is definitely a wall I put up. It all stems from my dad. Not to blame him but christ, it's like he inserted a stone wall inside of me that comes up just at the moment it shouldn't. The moment I should let someone like T in...I shut him right out.

Could've been the spa comment, I think I wanted to laugh so I did. He has this way of making me laugh and it brings me around but is that what I should be doing...laughing when I feel like breaking down? Maybe I'm over analyzing. What is supposed to do say oh yeah everything is just as bad as I say it is so I really will go over the edge? No...

He said other things I didn't want to hear at the moment but he's right. I do feel like I'll fail in this new job, I am afraid of a lot of things and I do want to run and hide.

I am definitely one to isolate. I remember a whole year in my twenties that I shut out everyone and worked three jobs and lived alone. I didn't even date for that whole year I was 21. The very year everyone is out partying and I isolated myself.

I did see my at the time best friend/drug friend at times but that was it. In some ways, it was the best year of my life and in other ways I know there is something wrong with how long I was able to isolate like that. Even thought I had a full time job and two part time jobs, I didn't talk to anyone really, just small talk. I'm not sure what caused me to do that I guess it was a build up of problems at the time.

This new job is certainly forcing me to face all sorts of fears. I hate it. I had many year in my career with no fear so I'm not sure why this is happening now.