December 31, 2008
I need to do a much better job of protecting myself emotionally and I have a difficult decision to make in the coming months. It's been tearing at my heart for the past few months and I need to do something about how I'm feeling and protect myself from this person. It will be hard but I've done it before and survived...
Anyway, happy new year blog friends and to my son...love you papi :)
Click on the title link it is a must read. Here is the first paragraph that made me stop and read on...
If our various child parts are not fully integrated into our adult self, we're likely at times to feel like a child inside an adult's body. We won't be able to feel truly grown up because our basic sense of self hasn't sufficiently evolved into the actual adult we've become. Our chronological age, our body, our mind may all say "adult" . . . but our psyche nonetheless continues to say "child."
December 30, 2008
So, forget this class of medicine now. She also said that going from 100mg to zero is going to throw my emotional state out of whack and well, it did especially last night. I am still feeling shaky emotionally but that should subside soon she said. I didn't mention that my cherry vodka helps too...giggle.
Okay, so I feel better about that but miserable that I'll be alone on new year's eve....miserable. I am finding that as many times as I've said I'd rather be alone, that is so not true. I can't tolerate being alone that is what I learned. It is so quiet around here and I'm left with the "thoughts" in my head. Yeah, it hasn't been fun but I might be able to attribute some of this craziness to going off of lamictal so abruptly.
Now, I am trying to take T's advice about my exam. I need to find someone to study with who can help me with this remaining part. Funny how I talked to p-doc about the rash and now that is settled so I am thinking about my exam again??
Successful people do things that unsuccessful people do not ~ this was last night's quote. I may be paraphrasing but I'll try and hold on to this today. For now, I'm taking a nap...
December 29, 2008
We did talk about my exam and other work stresses it wasn't all lost. But add more guilt from blaming T for the mix-up. I did contact him and tell him I messed it up.
I feel so out of control more so than yesterday. My head hurts still in one spot and when I left his office this rash that I have had on my legs since right before my husband and son left has spread to my arms, chest and face. I'm ready to head the hospital at this point. I just put on a ton of Eucerin cream and I'm waiting for it to take. I stopped taking the Lamictal a few days ago, and don't know if it is still from the Lamictal or stress inside that I can't release.
What now? I see him Wednesday but honestly, this is a topic for two days not one. In the meantime, I will call my p-doc tomorrow. I should have done that today but the rash didn't seem as bad as it is now. I have a feeling I'll be at the hospital tomorrow trying to figure this all out. I hate going there but its either that or I tear my skin off to stop the itching and gain a whole new problem.
My p-doc will emphatically deny that Lamictal is to blame and I'm in no mood to hear that and can't believe thuis is really all stress. Would it come out like this? If so, just more evidence of how I'm feeling...out of control.
December 28, 2008
I've already failed the test two times. I am not a test-taker and never will be. I can't sit here and read this book. I don't learn this way and this is not a reflection on what I know or don't know. If i fail a third time, I'm done and not pursuing this certification any further. It isn't meant to be. I can do my job without this last certification, I've been doing it. This is why I HATED school. I've learned more on the job and in life than I'll ever learn reading a fucking text book.
Its a good thing no one is home right now. All they would see is raging, crying and me taking out my frustrations on myself and objects around me.
I woke up on the wrong side of life today. I hate the way I look. I need to lose a good 35 lbs and can't stand to look at myself anymore. I've never been this heavy, always said I'd die first.
All the women in my family are under a size 10 but not me. I ended up taking after my mom's side of the family as she always points out that my frame is just like her one sister. She is over 200 lbs. She wears it well though and is a beautiful woman. I can't stand to be seen by anyone looking this way. I don't want to leave the house until I've lost all 35 lbs. Every last one!!!
I'm losing it, just losing it...
December 27, 2008
It's Saturday night. No one is around. Everyone is enjoying the holiday break with their loved ones and I'm sitting here watching true crime stories. I tape them; forensic files, Crime 360, cold case files, investigative reports etc. it's enough to make me CRAZY and quite frankly, it's depressing. why am I so into these stories? My mother is to blame! From a young age, she had me reading true crime novels. Stories a young girl should NOT read about rape, murder and chaos. Now as an adult, I wonder about that. I would never let my son or god forbid daughter read that stuff.
I can remember reading a Dean Koontz novel around 16 years of age I should not have read. I wonder why she was so free with me like that? I could ask her but then we'd be on the phone for hours and I don't need it with her tonight.
I should've gone out somewhere. I've gone out alone before, why not now? It's so quiet in this house, it's driving me insane.
Alone on New Years eve...wow. In the prime of my life!! Just me, my cat and Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve... it reminds me of when my former boyfriend left me at his house with his friend's girlfriend when they went out partying all night long with other girls. It was turning 1990. It was the worst night of my life. I didn't have my car so I was trapped at his mom's house with this girl that was nuts... we had a great time though getting high and fantasizing about beating the crap out of both my boyfriend and his friend when they returned.
I did just that too! We still talk today and he says he deserved it and I happily agreed :)
I talked to my husband earlier, after a few of my cherry vodka drinks. I asked him if we could go to a swinger's club some time. He laughed, I said oh c'mon lets just go and see whats up. He didn't say no...see I just can't be alone with my thoughts...I go off the deep end...
December 23, 2008
Whenever T hits on something for me I think about reducing sessions. I've never told him that but I know it. I'm fine talking about what problems others in my life cause for me, but can't seem to face my own truth.
There is no shortage of people in my life blaming me for everything. But, I know I need to face some things about myself that won't be easy. Mainly, what sort of mom and wife I should be versus what I am.
I can't type all of that out but believe me, I am way less than perfect.
I can always tell when my stress level has gone overboard. I usually get an itchy rash somewhere, well its on my legs this time. Its weird because this sort of thing comes and goes. I haven't had one in a long time, I thought maybe I wouldn't anymore.
My legs are so broken out and no matter how much cream I put on them, it isn't helping. This is what avoidance does for me. when will I learn? I'm not sure...
December 22, 2008
I've been spoiled with twice a week sessions for a few months now. This can't go on forever though, I just don't have as much to talk about. T said this about a month ago and my abandonment button went off. Even thinking about reducing pushes that button. I think T would agree with me. He won't say it though because every time he does I spiral...I need to fix that though don't I?
But, what better place to fix that than with my T next session. I already scheduled January out and I could change it or leave it be to work through this. It will be something I need to work through. It can't be that hard to go back to weekly right?? Sure.
This is one of those times I wish I was sitting on the other side of the room. It must be easier over there. After all, we need our T's but it isn't 100% reciprocal. I've read some articles about this and this is a common discussion in therapy. I hate that I have abandonment issues, this isn't fun it hurts badly.
It's just going back to weekly not a big deal...someone tell me that! I remember early on in therapy, there was this one session that about ten minutes after I got there, I said I was doing good and tried to get up and leave. I remember him saying "where are you going" and I said something like I thought we were done. Then I talked about how often do patients see him. He said some weekly, monthly, quarterly etc.
I stayed the whole session and on the way home I had a freak attack. My next appointment was three weeks out and I broke down in tears. I couldn't understand it and was so confused. Why was I getting so upset? I didn't know what was going on with me.
I have a better idea now. He saw it way before I did. I'm lucky that I have him and that he knew what to do. I certainly didn't. Somehow, he reached me and not many people have. I have had about four special mentors in my life. He is at the top of the list.
The others are my aunt who passed a long time ago, Dennis (former boss), and Joan a friend who was brutally murdered and I miss her terrible. There was something in each of them that touched me deeply. I am lucky to have one let alone four people like this in my life.
There is a silent bond, I can't explain it other than to say that they "get" me. An understanding that many do not have. My parents still don't, teachers wrote me off, some bosses (and one recently) screwed me over and my husband is still learning.
There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for any of them. I wanted so badly to help Joan but I was too late. She's gone. I tried to intervene on her behalf when her studio was broken into. I was too late. Its hard to deal with even today. My Aunt, I never got to take care of her like she did for me.
The most painful part of this process is that one day it will end. I don't see that happening for quite awhile though, it's hard enough to go back to weekly... :(
Loss is something I avoid at all costs. That isn't reality though is it? I haven't lost T, I just need to keep remembering that. It's just going back to weekly...again, I'd rather be on the other side of the room. Part of me wants to not even discuss it. Just do it at the end of January. We will both silently know I am just moving to the original schedule...no need for discussion right?
I don't need this button pushed now, especially since my husband and son are leaving after Christmas...
December 21, 2008
I am very sensitive to seeing others bleed or like this child's nose...ick. My husband laughed at me and we talked about it tonight and I started gagging while talking about it...he laughed again "whats wrong with you?" Okay, so I laughed too but what IS wrong with me??
Here are some others: escalators (fear), heights (fear), crowds (get majorly irritated and angry), bugs of all kinds (fear). Now, T and I have talked about the escalators and crowds and what we can do for those I guess whever we get to it. I'm in no hurry to be put in the middle of a huge crowd with T looking on...I would be embarrassed if I lost it on someone after they bumped into me for the 100th time.
Bodily fluids and bugs...not sure anything can be done about those. I am sitting here trying to think of when this all started. My mom says escalators and crowds around 2 1/2 years of age. She didn't know about the bodily fluids until I told her and she said bugs she also has a phobia because her step mother used to put them in her bath at night and they were live bugs.
I remember my mom telling me that story when I was a child and thinking how the hell can someone do that to another child? Live bugs in their bath? Sometimes I do feel something for what my mom went through and tonight is one of those times.
She said as for the crowds it was a JC Penneys sale (her memory is ridiculously detailed when she wants it to be) and I was in my stroller. She said this huge crowd of people (probably slighted overstated) was rushing the front door and I screamed so badly she couldn't calm me down. I gripped her neck and wouldn't let go. She had to leave the mall.
I don't remember any of that of course but it makes sense. I'm not sure why I am not afraid of crowds I just get unreasonably angry and irritated. So does my dad...crowds is huge for him too. I remember going to the taste of chicago one time (and I mean only one time). Everyone was carrying around these turkey legs that had I think barbque sauce on them. I swear I thought every person was going to bump into me with them.
I ended up so frustrated and angry that I had to leave the event. all I could see were turkey legs everywhere and strollers. I started sweating, panicking and just left. Again, my husband laughs about the turkey legs...it is kind of funny I guess but not when I am going through it.
What does all of this have in common? Loss of control perhaps? Do these phobias every really go away though? What is really behind them?
It would be nice to enjoy crowds I suppose and my husband would love it if we didn't have to do elevators all the time and avoid the nice and convenient escalators. Oh well, a topic for another day.
So I just read some articles on it...I copied in one of the paragraphs. Is anyone doing this? I'd like to know how it is working. I've never been able to regulate my moods...ever. I am becoming more aware of them and can feel them approaching but they still come and I still go through the peaks and valleys.
I'm also more aware of what happened before the mood sometimes. Most of this awareness has come from therapy and some from things I've read on-line. I can go from content to miserable to angry in a matter of minutes. As my husband points out, one minute I seem content but then one thing happens and I explode. It could be something he said or actually often times it is frustration from whatever I am doing at the moment. Like today, I was cleaning the bathroom and our bedroom. It hadn't been done in awhile. I couldn't stand it anymore.
Our bathroom looks awesome now but my back is hurting badly. This always happens when I clean bathrooms and I have no idea why but after that and vacuuming I can barely move.
Anyway, when I started vacuuming other rooms, there was shit all over the place and I couldn't manuever the vaccum. I just started getting frustrated then throwing things out of my way and then when my husband came home from the store, I flipped on him for how dirty this house is. That turned into an argument about why we can't get someone to come and clean the place once in awhile. We used to have that when I was pregnant but he bitched so much, I canceled it. I just can't do all of this. I struggle with working, spending time with my son, studying, relaxing, running errands.... blah, blah, blah.
Cooking and cleaning take a backseat. I realized today that I just feel like a failure because I am not doing all of these things. I took it out on my husband because I blame him for never cleaning anything and not letting me have someone come to the house. He always takes away other solutions, I have to be the one to do it or as he says "I don't care if you aren't running around cleaning"...well I do. I've never lived this way and I hate it. So, I need to do more of it.
I ended up taking a long nap with my son and the mood passed. How does mindfulness help with what happened today?
Here is the paragraph:
When we become aware of our pain and old wounds, it is not uncommon for insecurities and/or feelings of grief, fear and guilt to arise. This is when a trained psychotherapist can help by providing us with support, validation and acknowledgment. We learn new ways to cope and develop a keen awareness of alternate perspectives and new ways to respond to feelings. Although mindfulness skills are born out of a spiritual realm, it is now popular in psychotherapy practices because it works!
Clients who regularly practice mindfulness skills are better able to regulate their emotional states, prevent relapses, and can tolerate stress and solve problems more easily. For the women who want to turn back the clock, I offer these words of wisdom from Carl Rogers, "The curious paradox is that when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can change."
December 19, 2008
It would make everything I have gone through in my past worth it, 100%. And some funny quotes said to me over the years by my dad, other family members...etc.
December 18, 2008
I haven't been the most pleasant lately not since the theft of my purse. At the end of the session, I remember now he asked if he was seeing me before Christmas...I was too tired to understand at the moment and I still am but I think when I said yes and even on Christmas Eve he said "that's a shame"...I could be imagining this but I don't think so.
I don't know why that would be a shame. My husband and I are finishing Christmas shopping during the day and then I go to my appt. Now I am wondering if he wants me not to come or maybe he's burned out. Both my sessions this week couldn't have been easy on him, I've been negative and paranoid...
I tried to talk about some funnier subjects last night but he kept changing the subject. What I was talking about meant something to me, remembering happier times, but I could tell he wanted to talk about other stuff like my job etc.
I am sitting here thinking that if I don't go back to weekly on my own, he'll probably bring it up soon. That I don't want. It sends me into an abandonment nightmare. I don't think he wants to get rid of me but I do think he might be burned out on me. I just sense something. I could be wrong about this but why would it be a shame to see him during my normal time? Should I cancel it? I feel like I am pushing myself on him. I don't always feel this way but I do today.
I shutdown on him near the end of the session. He doesn't understand my fears with what happened not on my level anyway. Of course, he isn't going to join me in my paranoia. He's just so sure that nothing is going to result from this theft. All that personal information taken, house keys, truck key etc. Not just him either, my husband, and my dad...see the pattern here?
My dad hasn't even asked how I'm doing with all of this. He hurried me off the phone the other night. I wear people out plain and simple.
I asked the 8 ball on (my blog) if my T was worn out and wants me to reduce sessions it said "it is decidedly so"...the 8 ball never lies! I'm weird I know. My friends laugh at me with the 8 ball thing. I've relied on the 8 ball since I was a kid. It hasn't been wrong yet...so I guess we'll see soon enough if it is right about this.
I know, I am acting like a 12 year old but sometimes I feel like one...I need to sleep for days, wish I could.
December 17, 2008
I got a promotion but can't seem to enjoy it. My marriage is up and down, we have no family here and my husband and son are seeing family the day after Christmas until Jan 2nd. I need to study...so they are giving me time to do that. this is the first christmas my son is old enough to enjoy. He'll have a good time and I'm happy about that. I miss him already he was cute tonight asking me to kiss his boo-boo (that I couldn't see) but I enjoy doing it anyway. he said a boy in his pre-school hit his hand. It took me three tries to find out that he stole the little boy's seat at the yellow table. and the truth shall set him free! I enjoy these stories my son is a riot.
But I get to spend New Year's Eve with the two Three Olive vodka bottles I bought. One is grape and the other is cherry flavored. Just me , my cat Jackie and Dick Clark's American Bandstand.
Great. I often want to be alone but I don't think I should be this time. This is the point where I distract myself with something unhealthy...trying not to do that. I can feel myself sliding emotionally into the "darkness". I'm sure the theft over the weekend is part of it but its something more than I can't explain.
I really need some sleep...it isn't going to happen tonight.
December 16, 2008
My son was sedated for his MRI and the way he fought to stay awake really scared me. He jerked around a little bit and it just gave me a chill. I burst into tears...He should've been laying down when they sedated him and the %$!@#$ nurse didn't know how to do an IV and had to use both of his arms. He was traumatized and so was momma.
Anyway, I just don't get it...we see this Casey Anthony stuff over and over anymore.
This brings to mind an Aerosmith song "Livin' on the Edge" first paragraph:
I don't know what it is
Something's wrong with our eyes
We're seeing things in a different way
And God knows it ain't His
It sure ain't no surprise...
December 12, 2008
December 12, 2008
You don't need people in your life who disappoint you over and over again, so have a talk today with that person who is always all talk and no action. Let them know that you are none too pleased with them. You have given them one more chance a million times, and they haven't changed. They need to know that you aren't afraid to cut them loose from your life. This is not a threat or ultimatum, it's an honest way to communicate your expectations.
I haven't slept for more than two-three hours all week...my mind doesn't shut off. Then I have other times I can't get out of bed and can sleep. Peaks and valleys...always.
I need a new brain and a new body...any ideas?
December 9, 2008
I hate the dreary weather today;
I'm tired of being tired;
I feel sick; and want to go home;
I'm bored in this training class;
Just want to color these mandalas;
Don't want to go to Thursday's work meeting.
My son and all that he is;
My husband who apologized last night;
My T session last night, very insightful;
The sun will come out tomorrow;
My blog friends!!!!!!!
December 4, 2008
What we take to be true is what we believe.
What we believe is based upon our perceptions.
What we perceive depends upon what we look for.
What we look for depends upon what we think.
What we think depends upon what we perceive.
What we perceive determines what we believe.
What we believe determines what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is our reality.
--from The Dancing Wu Li Masters, Gary Zukav
Mostly all variations of purple, pink and blues. I am going to try black/white too. Very vintage.
As for the music tracks on my profile, they are so diverse but each one represents a different time in my life. A certain person, event, family experiences, and most of all, how I was feeling about me at a particular moment.
Pink Floyd - basically when my friends and I sat around smoking pot...nice eh? Then there is Eric Clapton's song, the title says it all there so I'll leave that alone.
Heart - I often feel like some of these songs I could've written.
Billy Squier - there is a former boyfriend linked to these two songs...hee hee. In fact, he's linked to many of the songs on my profile...we met when we were 14 years old and "dated" briefly. Then got back together at 18 for two years and then many years of off and on and off and on...
Pink - this girl seems to sing from my soul. Even weirder is she went to the same high school as my former boyfriend mentioned above. Very cosmic...
Gun's & Roses - Patience is a big one for me. I don't have any patience really but meaningful to me nonetheless.
Cinderella - One of them I played for a friend last night to try and explain how I thought I might lose him over a recent ripple in our friendship. Of course, minus the references to "baby"...giggle.
AC/DC - Well, why not? I hung out at a biker bar for a few years and thats what they played. I have never met a more down to earth crew as they were...truly. There are too many myths and generalizations about bikers.
I remember walking in to the bar by myself one night, I was 21. I just sat at the bar and said "what's up?" to a group sitting near me. I stuck out for sure but they were impressed that I even entered through the door. I said hey why not?
Katy Perry - I love the Hold/Cold song...it is a lot like Pink's Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely...that's me one or the other!
Kung Fu Fighting - Who doesn't resonate with this song just a little bit? Reminds me of high school days when my best friend and I roamed the halls and got into some scuffles...
Anyway, I'd love to hear your stories...post them!
December 2, 2008
I went off an a good friend last night about something he said. This isn't the first time either. He responded in a way he never has before. I pushed him that far. I couldn't respond in the way I felt inside. I just kept thinking this was the final straw and froze.
Here are the parts of the quote that resonate with me.
have you ever seen someone trying to make a point with their kids, spouse, parents, employee, employer, friend, or even a stranger, only to see the person to whom they are talking pull back or fight back? My friend commented last night that he was just "pushing back" because I mishandled a conversation with him and hurt his feelings. Actually, I didn't just hurt his feelings, I squashed them.
have you noticed that what most people do in this situation is to bear down and try to make the point more forcefully? This, of course, only serves to intensify the fight-or-flight reaction of the other, and a cycle of conflict begins to emerge where one person is bearing down while the other either defends their position, or worse, goes on the attack themselves. Yes, although I wouldn't say my friend "attacked" me. Let's just say I needed to hear his side of things the way it was delivered to me.
The context of this story was about being influential, not injuring when making a point. I prefer to apply it to what happened last night.
It doesn't take much for me to think the worst of something a friend or family member says or doesn't say to me. Just read my posts and you can determine that. It might be one word, a certain tone, something non-verbal or well just plain stupid.
The question now is how do I repair this? Saying I'm sorry isn't enough. I've said it before many times. I want so badly to re-do our conversation and not have thought he was intentionally hurting me. I couldn't handle hearing how hurt he was last night because I caused it. The pain was not just in the words he said but also the obvious pain I could see in his eyes.
There are too voices in me. One of them is right and the other terribly wrong.
December 1, 2008
This happened almost five years ago and since I've been living in various states, I never heard about it. I guess we just assume that old friends will always be around, that life is long and nothing can happen to them. We have this picture in our heads of them living forever.
She married the wrong man. He helped her down a path to death. She left behind three children. She will be missed by many but especially her children and me.
Let that be a lesson to me the next time I think I am too busy to reach out to those I love.
I miss you Tina. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.