November 30, 2008

Whatever.

The title for today is whatever. What a long strange trip its been (Grateful Dead) seems to fit nicely.

Many lessons learned and the big one is don't count on anyone but yourself. People are not trustworthy, they don't care about anyone but themselves even though they "claim" to love you. They won't be there for you when they promise they will.

Whatever. That is all I can manage to say this morning.

November 26, 2008

Replaying Discussions with T

I can't believe I am going to type this. I need to hear my T say that I am wrong 80-90% of the time when I think something bad is going to happen.

Right now, this would be my therapy time. I am freaking out and getting paranoid about this reunion on Saturday night. For those of you in therapy, do you often recall conversations with your T? Replay some of the discussions you have and latch on to certain words they say?

This is what I am doing right now. Normally, I get mad (not for long though) when he says my perceptions are off...not tonight. I need him to be right about this. He usually is right.

I am going to try and hold on to those words and hopefully all will be okay. He won't show up, its just a scare tactic and everything is going to be fine, just fine. T is right about something else. I've never been so scared of anyone ever. Not even my parents when they were mad and out of control.

I've told my dad, "you don't scare me". why can't I say that now with 100% certainty?

The Performer - your personality type is esfp.

Yep, seems like me!

Your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. You live in the world of people possibilities. You love people and new experiences. You enjoy the center of attention. You like drama. You have very strong inter-personal skills, and may find yourself in the role of the peacemaker frequently. You are spontaneous and optomistic. You love to have fun. You may become over indulgent on self gratification if not kept in check. You like to entertain and make people happy. Life is a party. However, if you are crossed, you may make a very strong and stubborn judgement against the person who crossed you. Under stress you get overwhelmed with negative thoughts and possibilities. You are practical although hating routine and structure.You have an appreciation for aesthetic beauty and sense for space and function. You are a great team player. You usually like to feel bonded with people and appreciate nature and animals.

Trust

What enables someone to trust another? I think I trust some people in my life now but I wonder because it just takes one "incident" perceived or actual, and I think no way, I'm not trusting ever again.

My trust has been violated hundreds of times since my earliest memory. My answer long ago was to isolate myself, keep myself in an "altered state", have acquaintances, not friends and trust myself only. It worked for a long time, or so I thought.

I wonder now how many times I was wrong about someone in the past. Someone I may have refused friendship to because I was convinced he or she was not safe. I have it backwards. People who are not safe, I seem to trust and those who try to "prove" to me I can trust them, I find ways not to trust him or her.

See this is why my blog title is therapy BUZZ. This is what goes on in my head...too much!

2 1/2 more days until my reunion. I'm scared of what could happen. There is some evidence that I may be right about someone being there that I absolutely 100% cannot trust. I've created the scenario on my head and I have no idea if it will happen.

Most likely, nothing will happen. This is what I've learned in therapy. I talked to my husband a bit about my fears. He understood some of what I was saying. That was good. Of course, he did say "but its been so many years since this person was a problem"...

I can see his point but then I remember just five years ago running into this person and his wife and daughter at a restaurant. My stomach dropped and I told my then fiance who was there. Another couple was with us and the guy noticed him glaring at me. So, I just said he was an angry ex-boyfriend. Not far from the truth...actually he was a monster but I didn't want to go there.

It felt like forever waiting for our table. I knew it then, nothing has changed. People like him can't change. My husband remembers seeing his reaction and thinking how weird he seemed.

I remember his wife and daughter and how quiet they were, how reserved. That's what he likes... quiet, reserved and obedient. He didn't like outgoing, friendly, flirty, laughing and joking around...being wacky...it was the opposite of him. He tried to break that part of me.

He wasn't successful. That is the part of me that I can share with my T and he laughs and seems to appreciate that I can be wild and wacky at times. He doesn't try to squash that part of me, make me feel bad about it. Not at all. Its nice to be accepted like that.

The one picture in my mind from that day that haunts me was the look of his daughter. A sad look, she never made eye contact with anyone. Her hair was long, straight and her clothes very basic and not flattering. Again, that is what he wants. Same with his wife ther was no make-up, basic clothes and long straight hair. Don't dare cut it or make it look flattering to their faces. God forbid!

That could've been me sitting there looking the way they did...how sad for both of them.

I am so glad I got away even if it took someone from my past to bring me out of it. I'll be grateful to this person forever. He rescued me, just came back after years of not seeing him. He truly was the knight in shining armor. The one many girls hope they will meet but never do.

We didn't end up together but have been in touch for a few years and that is all I need from him. He gave me something more important...my life back.

November 25, 2008

Lots of Background Noise

In my head. Not a good place to be for anyone, especially me. Always wanting what I can't have and what I have I don't always want?!! Why is it that what we can't have is such an intense painful feeling? The pull towards the unknown, it is very enticing and almost seductive.

Oh well, I need to sleep, haven't done that in a few days. I just need some sleep and maybe this noise will go away. Will it?

I'm okay now...I think

I feel better today about the "comment". Typing on this blog really helps. I go back and read what I wrote again and think - huh? What am I doing to myself?

I still don't truly understand yet but I can't allow my thoughts to go back to "he wants to hurt me", "he's mad at me", "he's awful!"...

No, he's been there for almost three years and he is the only one to survive that long! If he didn't care, why would he put himself through all of this? Logical questions.

So my other voice is finally kicking in...I hope she stays this time. I've been in emotional hell.

My Borderline Mother- at it again

I haven't posted about her yet. Today seems like a good day. She placed three urgent calls to my cell while we were flying. I got them when we landed. I've been here before. Every time I go away to see my in-laws, my dad or anyone or have any added stress going on...the dark cloud calls me.

Her health deteriorates. Now its her colon could explode at any moment killing her within seconds. I may have to fly to Florida as I am her designee for her living will.

It isn't that I want anything to happen to her, but this all started when I was very small. She is the most manipulative person in my life.

Growing up she raged at me every day. She hated me, told me I would be nothing. Threatened to scratch my face up so no man would look at me again. the list goes on and on. She was always "sick"...we had to walk around on eggshells because if we woke her up...that was it. More rage.

She in therapy now, is it helping? I'm not so sure. She has had suicide attempts, is a former cutter (just found this out) I thought her scars were from her abusive step mother and now we find out about the cutting. She manipulates my brother, has three or four men on a string. She lies about everything.

Part of me feels for her and the rest...well...doesn't. It is also my 20 year high school reunion and I'll be seeing my dad. So at the end of her text was "I'd hate to ruin your reunion and your visit with dad"...

Yeah right. that is precisely what she wants to do. She ruined my 10 year reunion. She was in the same building that night at a different event. I asked her to please stay away and do not embarrass me. She did just that. got drunk at her event, crashed mine and started dancing with my friends...

Anybody want a mom??? You can have her!

My poor brother and his girlfriend are flying to see mom on the day I arrive in Pa. this Friday. The bad news is I needed him to go with me at my reunion or at least drive me and my friend. He won't be there now. We'll make do.

The worse news is he will be with my mom until Dec 5th...god love my brother I tell ya. His girlfriend will be texting me a million times I can feel the vibration of my cell now.

The Art of Jesse: Toxicity: The art of Jesse#links#links

The Art of Jesse: Toxicity: The art of Jesse#links#links

November 24, 2008

the "face" of torment

Has anyone ever felt like one comment could bring you to the bottom? How do you deal?
This is today's journal. A note to self so to speak. Its so hard to be totally open with anyone right? How do I get past one comment that wasn't said harshly but said. Here is what I'd like to say or scream...loudly

How could you cause me so much pain? How could you invalidate what I went through? Why would you do that to me? You say you want me to feel safe and loved by you. Every time I get close to that, something happens.

I don't know what torment looks like, I only know what it feels like. I want to call you right now but I can't. I could end up feeling worse if that is possible. I'm trying to think that you couldn't have possibly meant what I think you meant by your comment. Maybe you were trying to be positive but I just don't see how that is true. You wanted me to think about something and all I can think is that you wanted to hurt me for some reason.

Maybe you are frustrated with me because I changed the subject about where my anger is in all of this. I know that you are not the person who caused my pain from the past but sometimes you say things that make it worse.

I am trying to do what you said, assume your highest motive and know that you would never intentionally hurt me. But how given that comment? How? Someone tell me how to do that? Assume the highest motive after a comment like that.

What do you want from me? Don't you realize that I do want to let you in completely. I am trying. You know more about me than I'm comfortable with, much more.

My heart is broken and I feel all alone again. One comment, just one and I'm broken and would do anything to forget I heard you say that. How will I make it through each day until next Monday?


I had my cell phone in my hand outside in the cold but I couldn't dial. I'm scared to show more vulnerability right now. I'm trying to see another side to this and I can't find a reason why you would say I don't look tormented in my senior photo.

What would show torment? scratches on my face, a miserable look? what????

Logic tells me this wasn't your intent for me to feel this badly...but in my head there is another voice. That voice that tells me I have it right, don't trust you, or anyone and run for the hills. I've been here before with many people, I should be able to handle this, it is familiar. But not from you, I can't handle it.

Damn it, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I was there, I suffered it all and I feel it every day. My whole life and those around me have been affected. This is why I never told anyone, I never pursued the vicious court system. I can't even handle one comment.

November 23, 2008

I hate flying

tomorrow we fly to chicago. ever feel like you haven't said all you need to say to those you love? I lost a friend on 9/11, he never got to finish his story.

then there is my friend who killed himself. a long time ago, I feel responsible. he asked me, if you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it? I told him, and he used it and he was gone. Just like that. Just gone. He had a smile to die for.

I've been living with that for many years. I was hurting too much back then to see that he was reaching out. I wasn't reaching back...I was selfish back then, all tied up in an obsessive relationship. So was Rob, that is what binded us together. It cost him his life being my friend.I'm sorry Rob. So very sorry. I miss you baby.

The Pink Floyd "Hey you" song is for him. Ironically, I know someone else who says "hey you"...it is very strange and reminds me too much of Robbie. I hope this person doesn't end up the way he did.

So What!!!!

Pink says it all now doesn't she?

So what damn it!

mania, worry or going off the deep end?

I've been up all night damn it. Even coloring this intricate mandala and taking my anxiety meds didn't knock me out. A drink would have but I try not to drink and take these pills.

So here I am up...worrying about everything. My husband and I had a fight on Friday night. Our son apparently acted up at the haircut place. He starting hitting my husband (we're talking a toddler not a teenager)

Anyway, they came home I didn't know any of this yet. Just heard my son crying loudly. It startled me I thought he got hurt.

Long story short my husband was going to put him straight to bed, no dinner or anything. Now, I'm fine putting him to bed if he is acting like that. But no dinner? I wigged out...I just stared at my husband in shock. I said you are not going to feed our 3 year old? are you crazy?? what about his epilepsy medicine? he had forgotten that. Then he said he can survive without dinner. I flipped out more. Take strong medicine on an empty stomach…no way in hell.

Anyway, I put my foot down and said no, he's getting his medicine and dinner and then brush his teeth and off to bed with no movie. My husband's answer was “Oh here we go, mommy to the rescue”. You are god damn right mommy to the rescue. Once our son was fed and in bed, I really let him have it. I have trust issues at times with how my husband deals with our son.

This isn't prison and in fact, in prison they get food. The thought of my child laying in bed hungry turns my stomach.

My husband does feel guilty now and agrees he was over the top. My question to him was what is going on when I am not here? My son does not hit me and act out like that.

I will not keep my son in a bad situation period. This has really been the most awful week and birthday. More than anything, I want to sleep but can't...so I'm typing here.

We just don't agree on discipline and to top it off my husband triggers the hell out of me. I've been scared since Friday. He says this is my issues screaming out at him

Fine, no problem, just feed my son before he goes to bed for acting out. That is all I ask...

November 22, 2008

He Doesn't Believe Me

Mile 191, thanks for your comment. I realize something today. My T doesn't believe me. I haven't been able to really show him deeper feelings. That is why he asked where my anger is and why he made that comment.

He doesn't see or feel any pain from me. It comes out at home at night when the only safe place is my walk-in closet. I can cry in there, sit there with the door shut and rock myself and calm down. At night, everything comes out and a martini helps too.

I'm wasting my therapy time, his time...what else is he to do? the work is mine and mine alone. He's said and done so much else for me that deserves to rise above a comment. He wouldn't be that mean, he was telling me something important in his comment.

He's been there consistently for almost 3 years. I'm not the most rewarding client for any T. I'm wound tightly. There is a lock inside of me and I can't find the key.

I had this dream last night. I was standing on the edge of a cliff. T was there looking at me. I screamed that I can show him everything with one step forward. I am afraid of heights, I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night.

What does this dream mean? Why would I jump to get my pain out? one step forward, what else does it mean? I need to dream analysis...

Today is my birthday. I'm in bed...its beautiful out. I've taken my anxiety medicine and I'm going to sleep. I can't think anymore today.

I'm hurting inside badly, especially today. Besides everything else going on, the same thing happens every year on my birthday. The men in my life can't say two words on this day. The men who "love" me and they can't do it. CVS sent me a postcard though, that is something.

The people who remembered? The girls at work who really don't like me. They make life miserable. Gave me two balloons and a gift card, it was very sweet. This girl Linda too that basically stalked me. She sent me a text message.

Is it any wonder why I gravitate to the wrong people? My husband, father, brother, some others I can't mention. My ex-boyfriend, he can't say two simple words? I'm not looking for gifts and cards...just two words. My dad did call, he never said anything though.

I sound like a spoiled brat, but don't most people just want to be considered on their birthday?
How about have a nice holiday? Why do I love anyone? I always acknowledge them, they mean a lot to me, I love them completely.

Some might say well forget them on their birthday. I can't do that. I know how it feels, it hurts.

I need to find a way to release this inner pain. Stop talking about it as if it didn't make a difference. My ex made all the difference in my life with scars and unbearable pain.

Maybe T sees that sex isn't a problem for me. In fact, quite the opposite. Intimacy? Impossible. That I can't do yet. Will I ever be able to? Don't most girls cringe at the thought of sex after going through what I did?

Well there are some things I can't do without alcohol...I feel guilt, shame and humiliation but is it mine to carry around? Isn't it all his? He did that to me, it wasn't me asking for it. I was way too young to understand. Too naive.

That is all for today. I feel sick and am going to sleep. thanks Mile 191 for your kindness.

November 20, 2008

Remember Me

I found this poem on-line, re-wrote some of it and read at my uncle's funeral.

When I first found it, I cried. It made me think of my real "mother". She was my aunt and my saviour. She wasn't my biological aunt because my mom was adopted. She gave me everything a biological mother should give to her child. She held me, loved me, protected me, and is the only person that walked this earth that gave all she had to give to me.

I was too young to understand what she would come to mean to me later. Alzheimer's stole her from me when I was 10 yrs old. I never got to take care of her, hold her and protect her. Both my uncle and my aunt were from a different generation. There is a permanent hole inside of me that will never heal.

I know my cousins feel the same way about my uncle. His last words when he saw a picture of his grandchildren were "how beautiful and precious they are, how lucky I have been to be their grandfather"...he died 10 minutes later. So this poem is for both of them. How lucky I have been to be their niece.

Remember Me

To the living, I am gone.
To the sorrowful, I will never return.
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to my family, know I am at peace.
I cannot speak, but I can listen.
I cannot be seen, but I can be felt.
So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea- Remember Me.
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity-Remember Me.
Remember me in your heart,
Your thoughts, and your memories.
Of the times we loved,
the times we cried,
the times we struggled,
and the times we laughed.
For if you always think of me, I will never have gone

November 19, 2008

Where is the anger?

I tried to have an 'easy' session tonight. Tried. After all, I am leaving on a trip, dealing with god knows what with the reunion, pressure from work, and my birthday is in two days. Can I have some small moment of feeling comfortable, safe and a little happy? Apparently not.

I started the session talking about Mr. Sadistic but T had to go and ask where my anger is. My reply was "I don't know, inside somewhere"... I felt the way I always do on this topic. Sick. I didn't want to feel this way right now.

I have such a hard time going over this, I did what I could this week. I can talk easily about anything else, but not this. It is humiliating to talk about it. I could give every disgusting detail but what will that solve? Nothing. I've given the highlights, the summary, I don't cry over it, or get angry so what???

So, I cut T off and went in another direction. I had brought a few year books and wanted to go over something happy and feel happy when I left. At some point, I get to my senior picture and he says "I don't see any torment in your picture". There it was . The comment he was just waiting to slip in before the end tonight.

What exactly does torment look like? So I gave a stupid answer, what else can be done with such a statement? "I hid it I guess"...

Something similar happened before in session months ago. It prevents me from going further with it. Just forget it, it wasn't all that bad, everything is fine now right and I'm not tormented. I'm moving on from this topic for good.

Isn't this part of why most of us blog or talk on message boards with other people like us? who understand? who get it? who don't make these types of comments? If they did, we can just logout.

I told him long ago, if you want to know what he was like, what I dealt with... watch the movie "Karla", you'll never be the same again.

Maybe I just can't do what I am supposed to do emotionally with this. So we left it like that. He couldn't even manage to say have a nice holiday or anything but see ya next time...maybe he will, maybe he won't.

Where is the anger? Directed at him now...

I feel like quitting.

He loves to create "fear"

I spent too many painful years with this sadistic evil "individual". A friend ran into him recently and they talked about a reunion we will be attending. I called her last night and asked more questions. Apparently, he approached her to talk, she hadn't seen him first and approached him. She wouldn't have known not to talk to him, no one knew the truth.

How brazen of him, he knows my friends, family and anyone I love are off limits, no contact! That was the only request I had at the end and I had to go through a lot to get that promise. I had to keep his secrets. I held up my end of it, he didn't. No surprise here.

There were hidden messages in his conversation with her. I know those messages, learned to listen to every word he would choose and the manner in which he said them.

So he knows about the reunion, and he would his cousin graduated with me. Oh, and by the way, he tells her that he lives right nearby we will be.

He asked her "where" I am now, and not "how" I am, this tells me what is in his head. But he never really did care about how I was just where I was, with who, why I didn't ask him first, what in the hell was I thinking not getting his permission...

I talked to my therapist about this recent event (and as much of the past as I can stomach), he asked me what I want to say to him. I didn't have an answer, never thought about it.

Here is what I came up with last night.

You probably won't be at the location of our reunion, you just want me to "think" you might be. I'll just arrange for my brother to take us, stay at the reunion with us (already cleared that with the reunion organizer). My brother is not a little boy you can push around anymore, he can't be manipulated into telling you where I am anymore. He's quite the opposite now actually, come by and see for yourself, and you'll be the one who feels fear, not me.

It angers me and scares me that you were talking so easily to my best friend and so close physically. You know that too. She doesn't know the real "you", the monster behind the mask. I kept your secrets in exchange for their safety.

Now I have no choice but to tell her and her husband about you, thank you for that. Not telling her puts her at risk and I won't allow you a means to communicate with me either.

I guess you are the one who broke the promise now, what should the consequences be for you?

November 16, 2008

So what IS my diagnosis p-doc?

I had my p-doc appointment on Friday. I asked a simple question since 100mg of Lamictal is working (and no more Prozac!).

"After all the medicines we've tried, or I've tried, it seems like Lamictal, Vyvanse and Ativan are it. Do you think that my symptoms fall on the bipolar spectrum?". The answer?

"Well, we like to put things into little categories (I heard this same answer a year ago) and it's really one brain so it all kind of does the same thing (medicines) and they hit multiple symptoms...

I kind of laughed inside because she really is a sweet woman, definitely needs new material, but very sweet. This seemed to me an innocent question. Not really for diagnosis purposes but for my personal knowledge...

I have heard officially or unofficially: depression, ADD, cyclothymia, OCD (mainly from p-doc), a garden variety of personality "traits", Bipolar II, PTSD and if there are more I can't remember.

There was a time when I couldn't hear any of the above outside of depression/ADD. But looking at the long list above what is worse? One or two big conditions or 7+ conditions?

Does it matter really? The medicines are working now.

From other blogs I read, I am not alone in this. I am curious about it though. If you go to a family doctor they will say "you have diabetes, or heart disease"...

In my case, I don't think it is because she doesn't know, she doesn't want to tell me...I guess??

Personality "traits"

When looking inward at myself I try to not have blind spots and see who I am towards other people in my family, work or just in general। Often I want to see a better person than I have been in the past. I worry too much about what they think about me. I care about people's feelings but I do tend to obsess over how I'm feeling first.

Part of my confusion is when someone suggests that there is this part of me that I don't think is there, could it be that he or she sees this part in themselves and is handing the label to me? or is this a blindspot I am missing? This came about last night, a big discussion on this topic and I came out of it mad and at the same time, wondering if this could be right.

I know often I think someone is for example acting like a self absorbed Narcissist (dad). I don't think I am wrong about that as he is the most self-absorbed person I know and at the exclusion of his kids and others.

So, I looked up the definition to see if I see myself in there anywhere (see first definition). Maybe I do except the word infatuation and I'm not sure ruthless is the right word either.

Narcissist : person having a behavior which involves infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition
Then there is this definition:
Narcissism : behavior which involve exclusive self-absorption. A degree of narcissism is considered normal, where an individual has a healthy self-regard and realistic aspirations. It is considered pathological behavior when the person tends to harbor an exaggerated sense of his own self-importance and uniqueness. Also called self-love.

On the second definition, I don't see much correlation to me...self-hate is more like it. There are reasons in my head for why I feel this way about myself. Is it me or are these two definitions very different??

Perhaps I had too many grape martinis last night...who knows!

November 10, 2008

Feeling Lost...

What is it with the feeling lost, confused and depressed? I wonder how many others find they struggle with the same thing even during therapy.

Does it ever end? Is there an answer to that question?

One Sentence Changes Everything...

On Monday of this week, I let T read my journal. It was a huge huge step for me. I won't go into all of the details but my thoughts were very intimate about him.

I was too embarrassed to read it to him. i know that I would've edited it along the way if I read it. He did say I should have read it so I could have worked through any feelings of shame.
He handled it great one session. I felt good about it but still a bit embarrassed. He didn't seem at all put off, scared or anything and told me he didn't think I was pathological. It wasn't anything that weird.


He said we are in an approach-avoid conflict at some point. I forgot the whole context of that but last night, he seemed withdrawn a bit. I asked him what he thought about all he read now that he had a few days to think it over. I then said I bet you are used to this from patients. He said patients don't disclose as deeply as I do. He did say that he senses that I trust him but there was something different in the tone. Or at least from my view anyway.

That one sentence is totally messing with my mind. It was at the end of the session of course. I feel like I did something wrong and shouldn't have let him read the journal. He said on Monday when I asked him if he knew the depth of my feelings and was waiting for me to realize it myself and he said "some of it yes, other parts no"...
Why did I let him read the darn journal!
__________________


Welcome to the Therapy Buzz

My main goal with starting this blog is to have provide a place for anyone interested in therapy or who is in therapy, for sharing stories, providing comfort, advice, additional resources on the process, or just laugh about therapy blunders.

Of course, this is all subject to change depending on what is on the blog as time goes on!
I've had quite a few blunders or things I wish I didn't say, and well, what is therapy without weird things happening during the journey? Not much fun in my book!

I've been on other websites and have enjoyed all of the above and more with people embarking on this wild ride...I believe that humor can cure most things so expect that from me on here.Humor is somewhat one of my many defenses employed quite often in the therapy room, but I just like to see the humor in it all at the same time.

The therapeutic "relationship" has both dazed and amazed me. I know many others have felt the same way at one point in the process. For example, transference? Who knew much about that before they started their sessions? And erotic transference? Good lord, what in the world is happening to me and what does a therapist mean when they say it isn't about him or her? Who else is in the room? Ha!

As for topics, I'm no expert, except in my own journey. Although, I have learned quite a bit from the many books, websites, articles I have read, and of course what I learn week after week from my very own captivating therapist.

In short, topics that I can sound somewhat intelligent about such as various personality traits and how they affect what goes on in and out of the therapy room, some core issues for me like abandonment/rejection, idealizing/devauling people in my life, the ups and downs of transference, and of course, the dreaded word my therapist will throw in once in awhile just to drive me even nuttier, "boundaries" meaning between therapist and client.

Then there are the different things I do to relax and clear my mind such as coloring beautiful mandalas and obsessively carrying around and writing in my journal. It beats sending emails and making calls to my therapist to ask what he meant by this or that...

This blog is a work-in-progress, until I get my act together, so keep checking back for updates!

To My Critics!

Don't sweat the small stuff my neighbor used to say, I should've listened...this poem was his mantra

In Memory of"Tash"

When I am in a somber mood,I worry, work, and think.
When I am in a drunken mood,I gamble, play, and drink.
When my moods are overand my time has come to pass,
I hope they bury me upside down

So the world... may kiss my @$%!

Connectedness

This is a concept I don't know much about. It came up in therapy tonight. Is one person responsible for a connection in a two person relationship? or are both people? How is being connected a one way street?

I understand part of this, if I am withdrawn in therapy then I guess how could he be connected to me? There isn't anything to connect to...right or could he perhaps try and get me out of being withdrawn...? Off to figure this out!

It's me I guess

Tonight's session wasn't easy. I want to connect every time but it doesn't happen. I guess maybe it is me that isn't connecting. T says that now that I am coming 2/week I don't have a much to talk about. I was commenting on being boring lately, not sure how we got to me not having much to talk about...

I took that to mean he doesn't want me to come but once a week. He says no that he is just giving me feedback on something I said. How do I not feel silly now continuing with this schedule?

He feels picked on... I feel lonely... is it me, him or life? I brought up some stuff tonight, I had a plan but somehow it's me feeling guilty now for even trying to talk it out. Isn't this always the case in my relationships...it's me I guess.